Star Trek: Celestial: Season 2
by Swordtail
Summary: Yep, probably the worst Star Trek parody in the history of Star Trek parodies is back! Please read Season 1 if you haven't done so already, or you won't understand any of it, verses not understanding most of it. Season 2 complete. R&R if so inclined.
1. Celestial 21

This is just a note about Season 2 of Star Trek: Celestial:

This is a continuation of Star Trek: Celestial: Season 1 which is also here on Fanfiction. Search for it, it's around. It consisted of 20 poorly done episodes, all a parody of the Star Trek genre in general, with various (hopefully) comical references to various Trek series and maybe some non-Trek stuff...I honestly can't remember most of what I've written.

I had every original intention of ending the series after Season 1 was complete because I wasn't getting a large enough audience on this...

However, some stuff happened, and long story short, I got bored. So here I am still writing...woot.

If you've already read all or at least most of season 1(Come on, I have to have SOME fans out there...please?), then without further adieu I give you:

Star Trek: Celestial: Season 2

Oh and one more thing: It's come to my attention that there is already a series on fanfiction called Star Trek: Celestial. I apologize to the author of this series and to any fans who have accidentally stumbeled upon my version. I created this series long before I knew fanfiction even existed and didn't think to check to see if the name was already in use. I've condensed the entire series to only 2 stories though, so hopefully that will help people determine which is which. Any similarities between the two series are completely coincidental because to be honest I haven't even read the other...oh well.

* * *

Star Trek: Celestial: SEASON II - Alright, I know I said I wouldn't do anymore, but here I am with another episode. This one took over a month to complete and recent events have made me wonder if I'll ever get another one done. Don't expect anymore, but who knows.

Star Trek: Celestial #21 - Interspatial War Games

By Swordtail...because I have nothing better to do...

Started April 13, 2006

Finished May 20, 2006

Computer - Last time, on Star Trek: Celestial:

---

Righteous - Yay! The war's over!

---

Spot - You're all fired!

---

Genocide - Jail?

Righteous - Bajor?

NoName #1 - Muffins?

---

Species 8472 - Humanity sucks. Go die, if it's not to much trouble, that is.

Starbase - BOOM!

Ships - BOOM!

Celestial - ZOOM!

Bioships - PWEOOM!

Earth - Ah oh...

Computer - And now the conclusion...

The 8 bioships's super planet killing weapon zooms toward Earth. Down on the planet, everyone looks up in fear as a massive biopulse beam zaps toward them. There's panic in the streets, government collapses, goats learn Latin, the world gets ready to check out of this life, when, all of a sudden, a weird POP! fills space near Earth, and the USS Celestial appears out of nowhere...right in front of the biopulse beam. Onboard...

Captain Competant - Report!

NoName #1 - Muffins?

The biopulse beam hits the ship, yet for some reason it reflects off. It arcs back along it's previous path, reflecting off Captain Picard's shiny head, back off the Monolith, again off the frozen beer ball, and plows into the central bioship, destroying it so violently the scene had to be cut from the PG-13 release of the episode. When the "CENSORED DUE TO EXTREME UGLINESS" sign disappears, all eight bioships are now nothing more than a cloud of goo. Camera goes to the bridge of the Celestial.

Competant - What happened?

Ensign Center - I don't know.

NoName #2 - Somehow, using all that technobabble in the previous episode caused a feedback along the writer's ability to come up with a plausible excuse for saving Earth. The bioships never stood a chance!

NoName #3 - Sir, we're being hailed.

Competant - On screen.

A patched up Fleet Admiral Spot appears on the screen.

Spot - Meow purr.

Competant - I beg your pardon, ma'am?

Spot - Meow purr hiss!

Spot punches the camera and the subtitles finally appear.

Spot - Meow purr (congratulations on saving Earth. Think you can do it again?)

Competant - Probably not, but we'll die before we allow Earth to be destroyed.

A Bolian NoName at the back of the bridge pipes up.

NoName #4 - F that! I'm out of here!

He runs for the turbolife. Once inside...

NoName #4 - Shuttlebay, and step on it!

The door closes.

Competant - So as I was saying, just point us in the direction of any bioships and we'll gladly pull some brilliant plan out of our asses.

Spot - Meow (Excellent. Just keep around here for a while. Spot out.)

The viewscreen goes blank.

NoName #1 - Sooo...Muffins?

Opening credits. Yes, I have a new one in mind, but if anyone wants me to make it they're going to have to give me a far more powerful computer! This thing has 802 MHz and it's using all 2 of them.

Scene 2 - Admiral Spot's office. Ensign Greaser and Ensign Tener come in, followed by Righteous and Lieutenant-Commander Senseless.

Spot - What do you morons want now? I thought I'd seen the last of you!

Senseless - We came in case Starfleet needed our knowledge about Species 8472. Righteous was one of the few who entered fluidic space after all.

Spot - When I need Righteous's knowledge, I'll put a phaser to my head personally. Now get out. I'm waiting on the Saratoga. She's been in a battle with the Sra'xa'diin and we haven't heard from her in an hour, not since her subspace communicator gave up the ghost. So I'll say again: Get out of my office!

The three officers and one civilian leave the room. Outside:

Greaser - Now what?

Righteous - Don't worry, I'll think of something.

Tener - I feel better already...

Righteous - Thank you, Ensign.

Senseless - Haven't changed, I see...

Scene 3 - Ensign Bios is walking down a corridor in the small mushroom like thing halfway down the Spacedock. She meets up with Ensign's Center and Blavik who are also heading in the same direction.

Bios - Hi guys. Long time, no see.

Center - How many stupid cliche's are we going to have in this episode?

Bios - Well we've just started so...I don't know. Did you two get the same message as I did? The cryptic one that was written backwards and said "report to docking bay 8?"

Blavik - Yes. Most illogical, but we have nothing else to do.

As the come into a Y-intersection, Senseless, Tener, and Greaser also meet with them.

Center - Let me guess: Docking bay 8?

Senseless - Yep. Any idea what this is about?

Greaser - I don't know, but weren't these lower docking bays supposed to be great big greenhouses?

Blavik - During the Dominion War they were converted to bays to hold small ships such as the Defiant class and fighters. They were never switched back. No one wanted to plant those Denobleon man-eating roses again.

They all walk up to a large blast door which opens, revealing Righteous.

Righteous - Good, you're all here.

Then Baque comes running around another corner.

Baque - What the? I was told this was supposed to be an ad firm I was seeing, not you bozos.

Senseless - What's going on, Lee?

Righteous - I thought of a plan.

Baque - Oh boy, here we go...you're just lucky my transport doesn't leave for another two hours.

Righteous - I've come to the conclusion that since we're the last people to have positive relations with species 8472, we should be the ones to fix everything up right. Now, I know Admiral Spot said to butt out of this one, but she's really busy and we probably shouldn't bother her with the obvious Prophet-driven plans.

Greaser - Which are..?

Righteous pulls out a large PADD and turns it on, displaying a schematic of the Bajoran wormhole with some weird vortex breaking off from it.

Righteous - We're going to use the Celestial Temple to enter fluidic space.

Bios - That doesn't even make sense! A wormhole travels through subspace. Fluidic space is something entirely different!

Righteous - Perhaps, but the entryway's are pretty much the same.

Bios - No they're not!

Righteous - Look, Ensign, the Prophets told me we could use the Celestial Temple to enter the realm of species 8472 and I'm not about to ignore them.

Baque - You wouldn't happen to have been on drugs when this all was said to you, would you have?

Righteous - Only medicinal ones.

Senseless - I'd be all for your plan sir, but how in the fire caves name are we supposed to even _get_ to Bajor, much less into and out of fluidic space in one piece?

Righteous - I thought you'd never ask...

He presses a button on the nearby wall and a massive blast door retracts from behind what is now seen to be a window. Inside, are several ships, mostly broken. One however, which is also mostly broken, is the USS Halfass, the Sabre Class ship that the crew used shortly after the first Celestial was destroyed. The crew's jaws drop when they suddenly comprehend what Righteous wants to do.

Baque - Oh, you have _got _to be kidding us!

Blavik - Most illogical.

Senseless - Surely you can't be serious!

Righteous - I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.

Greaser - That thing has been locked up in here for months! It'll never fly out the doors, much less to Bajor.

Bios - Worst...plan...ever!

Righteous - Earth was nearly destroyed today and no one can find any way to stop our attackers. It's our moral duty to protect the Federation, and that means coming up with a plan. If you don't like mine, do any of you have a better one? Huh? Because if you do, I'd really like to hear it.

The rest of the crew stand around looking at their feet and shrugging.

Righteous - That's what I thought. Now, we have no time to waste. Computer, initiate program Prophets beta 6.

At that command, the eight people are beamed to the Halfass.

Scene 4 - Admiral Spot's office. She is typing away at a computer terminal when a NoName runs in.

NoName #5 - Ma'am! Someone is stealing the USS Halfass!

Spot - What? Computer, change camera, docking bay 8!

The view on her monitor now shows the USS Halfass flying through the forced open space doors of the lower docking bays.

Spot - Hail them!

NoName #5 - We already tried. No response!

Spot - Damn it! Spot to USS Celestial.

Captain Competant - Celestial here. Yes ma'am?

Spot - Someone's stealing the USS Halfass from the lower docking bays! Go get that ship back!

Competant - Ma'am?

Spot - Yeah, I know it's not worth the deuterium, but we need to save face with the rest of the Federation. Just do it, OK?

Scene 5 - Bridge of the Halfass. All staff are at their stations. Tener is manning tactical and Blavik is standing around with nothing to do.

Tener - Sir, we've got company. The USS Celestial has been dispatched to stop us.

Baque - Well this plan lasted long. Time to go home.

Greaser - Wait...the Celestial's fast and we can't outrun her, or outgun her, but I think we can out manoeuver her. Toc, try to get us between their warp nacelles.

Baque - You mean right in line with their rear torpedo launchers!

Greaser - Don't worry, they won't fire.

Baque - I hope you're right.

Camera goes out into space as the Halfass flies up to the Celestial and manages to park between it's warp nacelles.

Baque - Now what? They're starting to turn.

Ship rocks.

Center - They've got us in a tractor beam!

Competant - USS Halfass, lower your shields and prepare to be boarded.

Greaser - Bios, use an anti-polaron beam and target the secondary plasma exhaust.

Bios - Beam online.

Camera goes out into space and watches as the Celestial's tractor beam, engines, and every window light go offline.

Center - It worked, their warp core and impulse engines are down. Good work.

Senseless - Now, set a course for San Francisco, maximum impulse.

The Halfass flies away from the derelict Celestial. Camera goes to Admiral Spot's office, where she is talking with Captain Competant, whose face is being illuminated only by a wrist light.

Competant - Anti-polaron's got into our warp core. It disrupted antimatter flow and the core shut down. It will take at least three hours to get the anti-polarons out of the core. What I'd like to know is how whoever on that ship knew that the secondary plasma exhaust could be penetrated by anti-polaron beams.

Spot - I think I know...one word: RIGHTEOUS! DAMN YOU RIGHTEOUS!

Scene 6 - A maximum security prison in San Francisco. Genocide and his Andorian cell mate are playing poker with some mice.

Andorian - I fold.

Genocide - Me too.

Mouse #1 - Squeak! (YES!)

_**KA-BOOM!1114711**_

In a huge explosion that blows them all back against the forcefield, the whole side of the building is vaporized, exposing about 20 floors to the outside world. The USS Halfass floats down to the cell Genocide is in. Out standing on the saucer at the very edge are Tener and Blavik.

Tener - Come on sir!

The ship nudges up close to the edge of the cell and Genocide climbs aboard.

Andorian - Don't leave me here!

Genocide - Can you do anything useful?

Andorian - I can kill people in their sleep.

Genocide - Sorry, one homicidal maniac per ship is enough.

The convict and the two officers enter a hatch and the Halfass flies away. Camera goes to Genocide, Tener, and Blavik who are just entering the bridge. Genocide look around at everyone else.

Genocide - What the? Why is everyone here?

Righteous - We needed you so we decided it was quicker to break you out of jail than try to get you parole.

Genocide - Why do you need me? I thought you were just coming to break me out.

Righteous - We're going on a dangerous mission and we need our best tactical officer at the gunnery chair or whatever you humans call it these days.

Genocide - In this rust bucket? Where are we going? To McDonald's to pick up some happy meals?

Righteous - Nope. We're going to enter fluidic space and reason with species 8472 or die trying. We needed a ship.

Genocide - SO YOU STOLE THE _HALFASS!_! IT'S A PIECE OF SHT!

Righteous - Exactly! Who's going to miss it!

Genocide storms over to the tactical console. His mood brightens when he sees the ship's armaments.

Genocide - Cool. They left in those Romulan weapons modifications I installed.

Scene 7 - Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix are reading a letter Righteous left for them to find, explaining what they intend to do.

Nelix - So they stole the _Halfass_? Idiots. There was a perfectly good empty ship just sitting here waiting to be retrofitted.

He gestures out the window where a dark and abandoned Sovereign class starship can be seen.

Spot - Well I suppose they can't make things worse by trying.

Pause...

Nelix - I'll get the whole fleet after them immediately.

Spot - Good idea.

Meanwhile, the USS Halfass is going as fast as it darn well can go trying to get to Bajor.

Bios - You know, it's occurred to me that since the wormhole has nothing to do with fluidic space, I don't see why we just don't do that weird deflector thingy Voyager did, right here and now.

Center - Ensign, it's not polite to question the Captain's plans.

Baque - Polite, no. Smart, yes.

Righteous - I'm sure the Prophets will protect us. I think they owe us a favour anyway.

Baque - Approaching Bajor.

Senseless - Take us into the wormhole.

Camera watches as the Halfass enters the mouth of the wormhole. It closes. Five seconds later, it opens again and spits out the Sabre class ship. Ben Sisko's voice can be heard booming through the system.

Sisko - ...AND **_STAY_** OUT!

Camera goes to the Halfass's bridge.

Righteous - OK, we'll use the deflector thingy.

We interrupt this pathetic episode with a word from our sponsors:

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I apologize for all that, and now return you to your regularly scheduled worthless crap.

Scene 7 + 1 - Camera is in fluidic space. All is calm. _OR IS IT!_ In fact, this time it isn't. Out of nowhere, a quantum singularity opens and the USS Halfass come barrelling into the nebula-like area. Several beings can be heard to say "there goes the neighbourhood..." and other cliche's. Camera goes to the bridge of the Halfass.

Righteous - Report!

Genocide - Ha! You're not a captain anymore, so I don't have to follow your orders.

Senseless - Report!

Genocide - Ha! I'm not even in Starfleet anymore so I don't have to listen to you either!

Senseless - I guess you're right. Ensign Tener, take tactical please.

Genocide - FINE! Our weapons are operational, shields are holding, structural integrity is at 93 and those bioships coming toward us are in a pissy mood so don't expect my report to hold up much weight in a minute or so.

Bios - Pfft...Something tells me we're going to regret not bringing the doctor with us...

Scene 9 - Camera zooms in on a small space station in the middle of nowhere. Then the camera goes inside, where a very bored Dr. Vaughn Puker is sitting around staring at a bunch of screens that say absolutely nothing.

Puker - And just to stress the obvious, I AM BORED! BORED BORED BORED!

Beep, beep, beep! Beep, beep, beep!

Computer - Federation starship USS Litterbox approaching.

Puker - Huh?

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!

Before he can do anything, he is beamed to the nearby Litterbox, which then promptly warps away. Camera goes to Admiral Spot's ready room, where Puker materializes. Admiral Nelix, Captain Competant, and Captain Farfetched are also present.

Spot - Ah, doctor, how nice of you to join us.

Puker - I didn't really have much of a choice. What's going on?

Nelix - Your former colleagues just couldn't leave well enough alone. They stole the USS Halfass and entered fluidic space with it.

Puker - Good for them. Why?

Spot - I don't know, I think they think they can negotiate with the Sra'xa'diin in order to end hostilities or something.

Puker - Hostilities?

Nelix - You don't know?

Puker - Well, I _was_ on a stupid station in the middle of nowhere surrounded by an ionized cloud of interference looking at star patterns for traces of organic substances in their coronas...

Spot - Species 8472, also known as the Sra'xa'diin by the online community, decided to attack us. They nearly destroyed the Earth but the Celestial stopped it in time. Then Righteous showed up, recruited the rest of your old crew, stole the Halfass, broke Genocide out of jail, and opened a fluidic rift near DS9.

Puker - Why DS9?

Nelix - Well knowing Righteous...I have no fing clue.

Puker - So why do you need me?

Spot - You were in fluidic space and you're a doctor. We're putting two and two together and guessing you have some detailed scans of that "Bob" fellow you mentioned in your reports.

Puker (laughing) - Yeah! Funny! The Borg thought that too!

Spot - I'm serious.

Puker - Oh...crap...

Spot - Captain Farfetched has agreed to take you back to Earth while the Litterbox meets up with the Celestial to take on a small 8472 taskforce en route for Betazed. Now everyone get out.

Scene 10 - Fluidic space. Five standard bioships fly toward the Halfass, followed by a very large bioship (If you have no idea what a Behemoth looks like, look it up. It comes from Star Trek Armada II). On the bridge...

Righteous - Maybe we should pretend we're lost. They might leave us alone.

Senseless (dryly) - Perfect idea! What's the worst that can happen!

Genocide - They're charging weapons.

Center - Wait! We're being hailed!

Greaser - I thought they didn't use subspace communications, or any technology for that matter.

Senseless - Well let's find out. Open a channel.

Beep! A member of species 8472 appears onscreen.

Alien - Friends! So good to see you again! You might remember me from such episodes as "Inspections for Dummies" and...yeah, how ya been?

Senseless - Bob, I presume?

Bob - Yep. Long time, no see. Hey, thanks again for saving me from the Borg, and that uptight cat too.

Senseless - Well we've been better I'm afraid to say, but not getting blown to smithereens is a welcome reprieve to this otherwise crappy day.

Bob - Yeah, about that...long story short, we're being invaded too. But we can't talk here, someone might intercept the communication.

Righteous - I thought you people didn't use technology.

Bob - Yeah, but my ship was retrofitted with a subspace communications system we found lying around.

Senseless - If you're the only one with such a device, how can anyone listen in?

Bob - What is it with bipeds and pointing out plot holes? Sheesh. Prepare for transport. Bob out.

Beep!

Bios - What did he mean by that?

Then, out in space, that giant ship moves behind the Halfass and swallows the ship between it's three weapons prongs. Some kind of tractor beam thingy engages and the six bioships move off in some random direction.

Scene 11 - Briefing room of the USS Saratoga (woot! CBS doesn't have to build a new set for once!). Captain Farfetched, Commander Shelby, Lieutenant-Commander Garsh, Lieutenant Scratcher, Dr. Puker, and NoName #5 are present.

Farfetched - I'm about to go against every shred of common sense I have and go help those jackasses we call the former crew of the Celestial.

Shelby - You're kidding, right?

Scratcher - QUOTING STARFLEET REGULATIONS, SIR! "NO OFFICER SHALL AID IN AN ILLEGAL MISSION FOR WHATEVER REASON," SIR!

Garsh - Sir, it's just Righteous! Come on!

Farfetched - Men, you're absolutely right. But you're also absolutely wrong. More goes on in Starfleet than just exploring, defending the Federation, and getting poor ratings. There's a kind of bond you have with other captains. It's not something I expect you jackasses to understand but–

Shelby - You owe Lee money, don't you?

Farfetched - Yes, yes I do. So you see, I must repay that debt in any way I can.

Shelby - You don't have enough latinum to pay him back, do you?

Farfetched - Exactly. Helm girl, set a course for Bajor, maximum warp.

NoName #5 - Aye, sir.

Farfetched - Good. Now, I expect Admiral Spot will flip when we try this, so Garsh, I need those weapons back online ASAP. Scratcher, make it look like our communications systems are broken so we don't have to deal with anyone.

Scratcher - CONSIDER IT DONE, SIR!

Farfetched - Dismissed!

Everyone gets up and starts toward the door.

Farfetched - Am I the only one getting some serious deja vu during this episode? I swear I've seen much of these events in some movies somewhere...

Scene 12 - USS Celestial, briefing room. Out the window the Litterbox can be seen. Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix are talking with Captain Competant.

Competant - Another transfer?

Nelix - Yep. To the USS Random.

Competant - Who is taking over the Celestial?

Spot - No one. She's being scrapped.

Competant - Why, ma'am?

Spot - Well, let's look at the facts: This pile of junk has been in operation for about 8 months and has been through more scraps than most ships will get into in their entire lifetime. The maintenance costs are staggering and we're getting nothing out of it anymore. With this amount of metal we could built two Intrepid class ships and get much more exploration out of them. As soon as this little problem with the Sra'xa'diin is over, this ship is being sent to the Telsa Prime shipyards for immediate disassembly. Do you have a problem with that, Captain?

Competant - No, it sounds fair enough, ma'am.

Spot - Is there anything else you need before I head off back to–

NoName #6 - Litterbox to Admiral Spot.

Spot - Spot here, what do you want?

NoName #6 - Maybe nothing ma'am, but...

Spot - Well?

NoName #6 - I'm getting a report that the USS Saratoga asked to leave spacedock without authorization and when they were denied by Ops they blew the space doors off the side of the station and plowed right on through the emergency forcefields. Last anyone heard of them they went to warp 9 in the direction of Bajor.

Nelix - You call that _nothing_! This is getting out of hand.

Spot - Wah? Gah! DAMN IT! Are there any ships in range and able to intercept them?

NoName #6 - No ma'am, the only ship in the area is the Enterprise but they're under attack by some sort of gas-inducing side dish.

Spot - What about the USS Borg Buster?

NoName #6 - Currently stuck in episode 7. Some kind of temporal...thing.

Spot - Well I've had it up to here with these mutinous ships! Captain Competant, take the Celestial to Bajor at best speed and destroy the Saratoga's warp nacelles before they get there. Then go find the Halfass and destroy it. Follow it into fluidic space if necessary but find a way to stop it.

Competant - Um...

Nelix - Is there a problem, Captain?

Competant - Sir, article 47 beta clearly states that destroying a Federation starship is an act of treason and is punishable by being sent to a luxary resort somewhere in the heart of France for about 4 months–

Admiral Nelix takes his kitty phaser and points it at Captain Competant.

Nelix - I think we can safely assume this bozo won't be able to help us anymore.

Spot - Agreed. What should we do with him.

Competant - You aren't Nelix or Spot...

Spot - Well, technically we are, but not entirely.

Nelix - We're inhabiting their bodies so we can carry out our dirty work.

Competant - What?

Spot - For someone with a brain the size of a grapefruit you aren't very smart. We're symbionts, dimwit. We inhabit a host's body because we lack a proper one of our own.

Competant - You mean you're those Trill slugs?

Spot - No.

Competnat - Goa'uld?

Spot - No.

Competant - Schizophrenia?

Spot - NO! DAMN IT! THINK OF TNG! THE WEIRD CRAWLY THINGS WITH THE CONE THINGS STICKING OUT OF PEOPLE'S NECKS!

Competant - GASP! THAT WAS ONE OF THE WORST TNG EPISODES EVER!

Competant quickly taps his combadge.

Competant - All hands, code Orange! I repeat code–

BZZZZZZZZT! Nelix fires his phaser and vaporizes Captain Competant.

Spot - I think it's time we left. Computer, activate the autodestruct system, authorization Spot pie muffins one one kittie. Silent countdown, set for thirty minutes.

Computer - Destruct sequence activated. The ship will blow up in thirty minutes. There will be no further audio warnings, but you can easily see the status of the warp core buildup from almost any monitor.

Spot - Spot to Litterbox, two to beam back.

Spot and Nelix are beamed away from the doomed Celestial, which is now manned by NoNames, who wouldn't do anything about the destruct sequence even if they found it in time.

Scene 13 - Somewhere in fluidic space, Bob, the gangster wannabe Sra'xa'diin has just finished telling the crew of the Halfass what the late Captain Competant was told. Camera is in the Halfass's briefing room.

Senseless - So let me get this straight: Somehow those extra-galactic parasites found a way into fluidic space, implanted themselves into a few of you, and those just _happened_ to be some of your most influential people?

Bob - Yep.

Baque - And to think, this episode started off so well...

Righteous - Um.

Bob - Yes?

Righteous - Oh nothing. I just wanted to say "um."

Blavik - Perhaps the parasites can be removed.

Bob - Nah. They've already caused damage to our genetic integrity. Those infected will have to be destroyed. Ships too.

Bios - Well is there any way to stop your people from destroying us?

Bob stands still and few seconds later a small jar of green goo is beamed in from somewhere.

Bob - This is what we've devised to destroy the parasites. It can be distributed in a gaseous form throughout your ships. Death to the parasites will be almost instantaneous, and the host should survive.

Center - Wow...

Bob - Just a little thanks for saving me from Admiral Nelix, and those Borg too.

Righteous - How do we know it works?

Baque - How do you know it doesn't?

Genocide - Point: We've got nothing to lose. If we instigate a Federation wide Code Orange we can get the authorization to distribute this on every ship. Can this be replicated?

Bob - Sure. No problem. Getting all your ships to take it might be an issue. We simply released it and it will permeate all the way throughout fluidic space but getting your ships to replicate it when there might be insurgents onboard could be tricky.

Meanwhile, Baque has opened the jar and is smelling the contents. He takes a small taste.

Baque - What the..? This is just some Molsen Canadian with green glow-in-the-dark food colouring added!

Bob - Well, we're on a budget, OK?

Bios - This poses a problem. Canadian beer can't be replicated easily. It's volatile and tends to be consumed by the crew faster than it's replicated.

Bob - But it can be replicated, can't it?

Senseless - Yes, but not without the parasites knowing about it.

Center - Why don't we try some American beer?

Bob - Too weak.

Baque - Maybe he's onto something though. We have about fifty megalitres of American beer in the Halfass's cargo hold. If we were to add the right ingredients, it could make a very crappy form of Canadian beer.

Bios pulls out a PADD and starts doing some calculations.

Bios - ...Carry the 12, divide by pi, and log 15...do you have any idea how much alcohol we'd need to add?

Righteous - How much?

Genocide - Well for starters we'd have to add some.

Blavik - The replicators on the ship would never be able to make the necessary amount.

Righteous - Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't alcholol made by crushing certain types of rocks together?

Senseless - You're wrong sir. It's made by certain organic processes...

He looks at Bob, then at two other Sra'xa'diin in the room, then out the window at a bioship, then back at the cannister, then at Righteous who has distracted everyone by slipping on the carpet and falling flat on his ass, then at Bob again.

Senseless - Say, if your ships were given large amounts of sugar or carbs as an impulse fuel, what would the exhaust consist of?

Bob - Hmmmm...

Scene 14 - The USS Saratoga is poking around the Bajoran system looking for that fluidic rift the Halfass went into.

Puker - Any luck?

Shelby - None. We found the remnants of a quantum singularity but we can't find a way to open it up.

Scratcher - SIR! LONG RANGE SENSORS HAVE DETECTED THE USS LITTERBOX ON AN INTERCEPT COURSE WITH US. ETA: 1 MINUTE!

Garsh - Someone's in a hurry.

NoName #(I'm too lazy to go back and check) aka Helm Girl - Sir, something's happening to the wormhole.

Farfetched - On screen.

The viewscreen changes to watch the wormhole, which opens and lets out a few hundred bioships. Most head off and jump to warp, but several head straight for the Saratoga.

(Bios (somewhere) - Well I'll be...Righteous was right.)

Garsh - They're charging weapons!

Farfetched - Shields to maximum! Evasive manoeuvres!

Boom, small lurch, no sparks.

Farfetched - Report.

Scratcher - A CONCENTRATED BIOPULSE BEAM BROKE THROUGH OUR SHIELDS AND CUT A TINY HOLE IN THE SIDE OF THE HULL, SIR! A LARGE VOLUME OF AN UNKNOWN LIQUID WAS THEN TRANSFERRED THROUGH THE HOLE, SIR!. FORCEFIELDS WILL NOT ENGAGE, SIR! NO RESPONSE FROM THAT DECK, SIR!

Farfetched - Doctor, get down there and find out what's going on.

So, several minutes later, Dr. Puker walks into a corridor which is soaked in some kind of Canadian beer. Puker goes up to a drunken no-name. Another no-name is stuck in the hole, sealing it.

Puker - What the hell happened to him?

NoName #7 - Look, I swear to hull breach I didn't know there was a God here. Sue me, alright?

NoName #7 falls over and later dies from alcohol poisoning. Puker finds a small piece of paper, picks it up and reads it.

Puker - Hm...Puker to Captain Farfetched.

Farfetched - Farfetched here.

Puker - It's happy hour time...

Scene 15 - The USS Litterbox is hit by a bio-pulse beam in several places. It drops out of warp and starts erratically wandering around the solar system. The USS Halfass comes up and beams aboard an away team to the Bridge, where a drunken Admiral Spot, Admiral Nelix, Captain Spot Jr. and a bunch of extra's are puking their guts up all over the walls, floor, viewscreen, and ceiling.

Tener - ALRIGHT NOBODY MOVE!

Everyone who is drunk simply passes out.

Genocide - I don't think that will be a problem.

Blavik (the last person I'm sending over) - I shall replicate some coffee and a bucket or ice water.

Genocide - No time. Give me your phaser.

He sets it on the lowest setting and shoots Admiral Spot.

Spot - HISSS! GOD DO I HAVE A HANGOVER! Wait a minute...what the hell is this?

She paws a small dead creature that was laying next to her mouth.

Spot - Damn cockroaches, get into everything. What's going on? The last thing I remember I was blown across the room by a large explosion in the Spacedock.

Genocide - It's a long story. You don't remember anything after that?

Spot - Well, bits and pieces...Ah oh...I think I activated the self destruct sequence on the Celestial.

Genocide - Away team to Halfass, contact the Celestial immediately.

Camera goes to the bridge of the Halfass.

Senseless - How come?

Genocide (over comm) - It was set to self destruct!

Righteous - AH! MY SHIP! HELMBOY, MAXIMUM WARP!

The Halfass jumps to warp 7 or something. Camera goes to the Litterbox.

Genocide - Hello? Hello? Those cheap bastards warped away on us!

Scene 16 - The Halfass drops out of warp and sees the USS Celestial in front of them, safe and sound.

Center - I'm not detecting a buildup in the warp core. They must have found it and deactivated it.

Baque - They're no-names! Hello!

Bios - Is now a good time to tell you that I think I might have broken the self-destruct?

Senseless - Not at all. Open a channel, Mr. Center.

Beep! The viewscreen changes to show the bridge of the Celestial. About eight nonames are sitting on the floor playing poker. A paper airplane flies past the camera followed by a bouncing Binky the Mistreated Targ and some phaser blasts.

Righteous - Great. Now I don't even _want_ the ship back.

Scene 17 - The observation lounge on the Celestial. Present company are Righteous, Senseless, Genocide, Greaser, Puker, Tener, Baque, Bios, Blavik, Center, Spot, Nelix, Farfetched, Shelby, Garsh, Scratcher, Bob, Spot Jr., Admiral Ross, Admiral Janeway, Admiral Necheyev, and a dozen no-names for good measure. Fleet Admiral Spot is up on top of the podium in the front of the room giving a speech.

Spot - ...And had the crew of the Halfass not disobeyed orders, stolen a ship, disabled a maximum security prison, fired on a Federation starship, and entered fluidic space, we may never have known that the parasites were screwing us all over and could still be at war with Species 8472. So, I hesitantly restore all those involved, including Doctor Puker, to their previous ranks and positions on this ship, which seems to be in need of a new captain anyway. Lieutenant Commander Genocide can spend the remaining 50 years of his prison term under the command of Captain Righteous, which may be a little heavy for a society that doesn't have the death penalty, but I don't care. The Sra'xa'diin have been forgiven for destroying thousands of our people and trying to obliterate Earth and will be given all information we have on the parasites. The USS Celestial will not be dismantled as planned and will be sent back out into space on a new mission: One of exploration rather than defence.

As Spot finishes her speech, the camera watches the crew of the Celestial go back to the bridge and take their stations or just stand around looking important.

Spot - ...Which is to explore strange, new, and otherwise dangerous worlds...

Senseless - Ensign Center, contact station ops and clear us for departure.

Center - Station ops says we're a go for departure.

Spot - ...To seek out new and hostile life, and bizarre and impossible civilizations...

Righteous - Mr. Baque, take us out.

Camera watches as the Celestial backs out of the Earth Spacedock.

Spot - ...And to fight for only what, in the long run, is **_WATCH OUT FOR THAT FREIGHTER!--_**

_**!CRASH!**_

Spot - **_DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!_**

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	2. Celestial 22

Star Trek: Celestial #22: The Boredom of Things

By Swordtail

Started May 21, 2006

Finished July 1, 2006 (Canada Day!)

(Ok to explain the title before someone points out it has nothing to do with the story, I was very bored when I came up with the idea for this episode...so sue me, alright? Just joking, I don't have enough money to be sued.)

Scene 1 - Camera is in some science lab. Bios, Greaser, and Senseless are present.

Bios - It's not like finding a needle in a haystack at all. There's a difference. In this case, we're looking for a specific piece of hay in a haystack the size of Mount Olympus. This would take millennia if we were to just use the lateral sensor array. Now if we were to tie in all the sensors–

Senseless - Out of the question. Tying up all the sensors to look for anti-quarks or whatever would leave us flying blind. Find another way to search for them.

Bios - With all due respect Commander, this project Starfleet has us working on is pointless.

Greaser - Who knows, maybe something far more interesting will just pop up.

Bios - Yeah, right, like some kind of super duper thing will just came plummeting through the wall over there.

As she causally points to the wall, it explodes, the lights go out, the ship lurches violently, the alert klaxons go off, and Senseless smacks his forehead.

Senseless - How many TIMES have I TOLD you people NEVER TO SAY STUFF LIKE THAT!

Opening credits...Well, you get the idea. Am I the only parody author that includes these lines?

Scene 2 - Righteous is walking with Senseless and Genocide down a busted up corridor.

Senseless - ...And the next thing I knew the wall exploded.

Genocide - From what Toc tells me, the ship was flying along just fine at warp 6 when out of nowhere the main deflector overloaded and the ship dropped out of warp as a precaution.

Righteous - Overloaded?

Senseless - I told Greaser to take a looksey at it.

The enter the science lab. A five foot in diameter hole is on both sides of the room. Righteous looks through the hole, which can be seen to extend the entire length of the ship forward of the room, and about fifty metres aft. NoNames can be seen walking by the holes through the many bulkheads.

Righteous - Was anyone hurt?

Genocide - No...unfortunately.

They leave the room. Lieutenant Commander Greaser runs up to them.

Greaser - Sir, I've determined what caused the deflector to overload: Feedback from hitting something. Whatever we hit that caused this hole was too massive to be deflected and it blew out the entire deflector matrix.

Genocide - Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that thing supposed to move the ship aside if it detects anything larger than a small house in the path of the ship?

Greaser - I took a look at the sensor logs. Whatever we hit was quite small, but somehow managed to blow the main deflector and flew through the outer hull, not to mention about a hundred bulkheads.

The four officers enter a room which the impaling object stopped in. Thirty NoNames, led by Lieutenant Bios and Lieutenant Tener, are mulling around. Bios and Tener walk up to their four colleagues.

Bios - We found it sir.

She drops a golden, ring shaped object into Righteous's palm.

Righteous - Ooh, pretty. What is it?

Bios - I don't know, but that thing should have been destroyed on impact.

Righteous - Kind of heavy for a gold ring, don't you think?

Tener - Our tricorders can't scan it. They says it's not even here.

Senseless - For something that isn't here it sure did a lot of damage. Lieutenant-Commander, how long until warp drive is back online again.

Greaser - Now, if all you need is warp 5. Full repairs will take at least three hours.

Senseless - Then in the meantime, I suggest we all try to figure out what this thing is.

Scene 3 - Science lab...well, one of them that isn't destroyed. Righteous and Senseless enter and walk over to where Bios and Greaser are studying the ring.

Senseless - Have you found out what its made of?

Bios - Who cares, check this out!

She puts the ring on her finger and instantly turns invisible.

Bios (Still invisible) - Now try to find me with a tricorder.

Greaser hands him an already configured tricorder.

Senseless - All I can detect is a void in the air, but nothing there.

Bios slips the ring off and hands it to Righteous.

Greaser - It seems to interact with a person's natural electromagnetic field, altering it's frequency to become invisible to the entire EM spectrum, as well as every subspace band we've tried.

Bios - You know what this means, right?

Righteous - ...Ring goes on.

He turns invisible.

Righteous - ...Ring comes off.

He reappears.

Senseless (distracted by the Captain) - Um, what?

Bios - This ring can generate a _perfect_ cloak! I've already determined it can be used in conjunction with our standard deflector dish, with _no additional power requirements!_

Greaser - We could use our shields, weapons, everything while still being completely invisible to the outside universe!

Senseless - Then if this ring has been put into mass production by whomever made it...

Bios - Exactly.

They all stand still shaking their heads in disbelief, well, all except Righteous, who is playing with the ring.

Righteous - Ring goes on, ring comes off, ring goes on, ring comes off, ring goes on, ring comes off, ring goes on, ring comes off, ring goes on, ring comes...ah oh.

Scene 4 - Some room somewhere on the ship. Genocide and Tener are looking at some crazy contraption Genocide has rigged up, involving the ring, a phaser rifle on a stand, and a two metre thick block of tritanium attached to a far wall.

Genocide - So I figured, if it can amplify EM fields, why not phaser blasts?

Tener - Are you sure shooting a particle beam through the middle of that thing is such a good idea?

Genocide - Don't worry, the phaser's on the lowest setting and there's no way this amount of energy could even make a dent in that much tritanium. Now, here's your safety glasses, a consent form to sign, and a PADD to write your will on.

Tener - I'll pass on the last two.

Genocide - Then here we go.

They both step back and Genocide pushes a button on a PADD. The phaser rifle activates, and then all hell breaks loose. The red alert lights go off. Camera goes outside the ship just in time to see a orange beam blow a hole in the side of the Celestial and fly off into space. Camera goes back to a corridor just outside the room the blast came from. Genocide and Tener both look through the hole which makes its way through about fifty bulkheads and thirty nonames who were unlucky enough to walk into the beam.

Genocide - I think we ought to tell the commander about this one.

Camera spins aside and the scene changes to the briefing room. Everyone is present. The ring is in the middle of the table.

Righteous - Well there's no doubt about the origin of this thing. Prophets made it. I'm sure of it.

Senseless - This is way over our heads. We need to take this back to Earth to the Federation Council and let them deal with it.

Genocide - I'm in agreement for once. I did the calculations and figured that if I had tied this thing up to the ship's main guns, we could have destroyed an entire star.

Puker - I haven't had time to study the physiological effects of this device but I doubt they will be good.

Center - Are they ever?

Blavik - There was that time with the icecream...

Senseless - Then its settled. Mr. Baque, set a course for Earth, warp 8. Dismissed.

Everyone gets up and all reach toward the ring at the same time.

Senseless - Um, we'll just leave this thing here where it can't hurt anything.

They all nod in agreement and leave the room, but Righteous doubles back and grabs the ring, looks around to make sure no one's looking.

Righteous - Ring goes on, ring comes off, ring goes on, ring comes off, ring goes on, ring comes off, ring goes on, ring comes off, ring goes on, ring comes off...

Scene 5 - Somewhere in the galaxy, a dark planet spins through space, it's original stellar orbit long forgotten. Five moons circle its skies, which glow brightly from the light of a nearby nebula. Out of a massive fissure in one of these moons, a hundred thousand small vessels emerge and begin to circle the planet, which suddenly comes alive with volcanic activity, bathing the surface in an eery orange glow. From the cloud of ships comes five larger objects, sleek and fast, which zoom out to a safe distance from the planetary system, and then jump into transwarp.

Scene 6 - Earth. Camera pans away from the Federation's capital as the Celestial drops out of warp and enters orbit. Scene changes to show the Federation Council Chamber. All the member species' representatives are already assembled, as are ambassadors from numerous other empires throughout the Alpha and Beta quadrants. Sitting along one wall are the Celestial's crew, minus Captain Righteous and Commander Senseless. Camera goes to Fleet Admiral Spot who jumps onto the podium and addresses the Council.

Spot - (stereotypical high-pitched microphone noise).

The talking dies down.

Spot - I hate dragging out pointless scenes so I'll get to the point. On stardate 434821.5, at approximately 0800 hours, Federation Standard time, the USS Celestial, NCC - 80164 was hit with an object which penetrated the ship's deflector field and punched through the hull, eventually lodging itself within the ship. The object was intact despite the energy which would have been released normally. The crew have been unable to determine the composition of the object, but have determined that it is able to drastically alter electromagnetic and subspace fields, which Captain Righteous will now demonstrate.

Spot motions to Righteous, who picks up the ring.

Righteous - Ring goes on...

He disappears and the council lets out a gasp and other dumb noises.

Righteous - Ring comes off.

Spot - Tests have also determined that the object can supercharge phaser beams, render an entire ship perfectly cloaked, super charge shields, and increase warp power. This object, which we have dubbed the "Ring of Power" for lack of a better movie–

Diehard LOTR Fan - HEY!

Spot - --is therefore very dangerous to keep around. Before we attempt to destroy it, we must ascertain whether others like this exist, and if so, does the race that produces them pose a threat to us. To answer this, I will turn the floor over to Romulan ambassador Splack.

Spot jumps off the podium and walks away, in a kind of jog-like fashion only cats and dogs can manage to do without actually running. A Romulan in a gray suit stands before the podium.

Righteous (whispering, to Senseless) - I hope he doesn't _ruin_ the floor; I hear it takes a long time to clean.

Senseless looks at Righteous with a dumbfounded expression for a second as Ambassador Splack begins to speak.

Splack - Millennia ago, when Romulas was founded and Remus subjugated to our rule after their king lost the planet to us in a poker game, we learned of a ancient Reman text which told of a powerful entity, the last of a warlike race. This entity had reigned over the galaxy long before the Iconions or their empire came to be. During his reign, he decided his power was too spread out over the universe, so he concentrated it all into a single large star. His power caused the star to implode, yet instead of creating a neutron star like it was supposed to, it created a black hole, and also forged a golden ring, which contained all his power. Then some stuff happened, some things got said that shouldn't have been said, and all hell broke loose as a large, intergalactic war broke out and devastated the Milky Way and the surrounding small galaxies.

Righteous (to Senseless) - I like the part where the Remans had an ancient text.

Splack - It was only through sheer willpower and a cleaver plot twist that the races of the day were able to stop the entity, whose power was impervious to even the Q, so it is written. He was destroyed, but the ring could not be. It was cast, by the Q, into a random part of the universe, which was supposed to be lacking in intelligent life–

Righteous - Ah, I was wondering how it got that close to Earth...

Senseless (under his breath) - Actually it was closer to Bajor...

Righteous - Huh?

Senseless - Actually out by Ursa Major, sir.

Splack - --and let to float through space for all eternity.

Spot (from another podium) - Very pointless. Now let's all vote to blow it up.

Tellerite Representative - Well, I think I've heard enough to know I don't want to screw with this thing. I'll just assume it's unanimous.

He pulls out a phaser, sets it on full power and fires it at the ring, which Righteous had finally put back on the table in the centre of the room. The beam hits the outside of the ring, but is somehow focussed into the middle and sent flying upward, breaking through the roof. Camera follows it into space as it just barely misses the sun, then proceeds to destroy an asteroid a small ship was orbiting (A tellerite freighter, actually...). Camera goes back to the Council chamber where a few people are looking up through the hole in the roof (Keep in mind, this is at least 8 or 9 minutes later: No scientific impossibilities in this paragraph!)

Terrerite Representative - Anyone have a plan B?

Federation President - I suppose that a more powerful beam will simply result in a bigger discharge from the ring. How can it be destroyed then?

Splack - Reman legend says that it can only be destroyed by casting it into the place it was forged from: The small quantum singularity near the home world of the entity.

Genocide has heard enough and pipes up.

Genocide - AH COME ON! Is it just me or does this sound just a bit too corny to be any good? I say we bury it somewhere and all go home!

President - I must agree. There is no solid proof that the Reman texts are accurate. In fact, I didn't know Remans knew how to read or write so I'm not putting much faith in them. Now, before someone points out I'm not the same Federation President as was last seen, I say we change the subject before something anticlimactical happens.

Shortly after he finishes ranting, five semi-large ships appear in the middle of space near Earth and begin destroying everything in sight. The battle can be seen from the council chamber's new skylight.

President - Uh...All in favour of an indefinite recess say oi.

Everyone except a few stupid caucus members - OI!

Everyone gets up and starts running around screaming. Righteous snatches up the ring and taps his combadge.

Righteous - Celestial, beam us all up. Energize!

Scene 7 - Bridge of the Celestial, where the senior staff enter and take their stations.

Senseless - Raise shields and arm weapons. Target the nearest attacker and prepare to fire. Mr. Center, open a channel to them.

Center - Actually sir we're being hailed by Ambassador Splack and the President.

Righteous - Main screen turn on.

President - Celestial! Do you have the ring?

Righteous - Yep, it's down in engineering behind a forcefield or something. Why?

Splack - Don't bother fighting the attackers, they're weak and pathetic anyway. However, they possess a transporter than can go through shields...must have stolen it from Voyager. Anyway, they are here for the ring. I recognize the engine configuration from the Reman texts. They are under the command of that entity we were discussing earlier. Apparently he wasn't destroyed.

Genocide - You're point, please?

President - Get out of here. We're sending you coordinates for a rendevous with a Romulan armada. They will escort you to Remus to study the texts yourself, or to the edge of our space, whichever the government which is in power that day decides. You must not allow the ring to fall into the hands of this entity or we're all royally fed. Use it if necessary, but don't allow it to be captured.

Senseless - Understood sir. Celestial out.

Beep!

Senseless - Helm, set a course for the coordinates.

Genocide - All five of the ships are moving toward us.

Baque - Course plotted.

Righteous - Engage at warp 9!

Camera watches as the Celestial goes to warp, then goes back to the bridge.

Center - We're being followed. They're gaining on us.

Senseless - Go to maximum warp. Divert all power to the engines.

Baque - It's not enough.

Bios - I would suggest tying that ring into the warp core. It should accelerate us to a safe speed.

Greaser - It could also tear us to pieces!

Senseless - We don't have a choice. If those ships catch us, Admiral Spot and the President will tear us to pieces faster. Greaser, do it.

Greaser - Fine. Lieutenant-Commander Greaser to engineering. Tie the ring into the secondary warp coil.

NoName #1 - Yes ma'am. We're on it.

Righteous - I don't like the sound of a ship tearing apart. Drop back to warp 1 power levels as soon as the ring is online.

Baque - Alright dropping to warp 1 power levels and bringing secondary warp coil online...now!

Everyone is thrown back as the ship lurches forward. Several NoNames end up somehow flying through the air.

Baque - We're at warp 9.99999994!

Center - Those ships are still gaining on us! They must have transwarp drives!

Bios - Structural integrity is falling! 97!

Senseless - Increase to warp 7 power levels!

Baque - Here goes...

Camera watches as the Celestial, which is already at warp, makes anther warp flash and the stars (not the space dust, the stars) start streaking past). Camera goes back to a shaking and exploding bridge.

Baque - THE CORNINESS LEVEL IS OFF THE SCALE, SIR!

Center - NO SIGN OF OUR PURSUERS!

Righteous - SHUT OFF THE DAMN ENGINES!

The engines cut and the Celestial drops out of...whatever it was in...damn, that _was_ pretty corny wasn't it...

Senseless - Now, if we've left our own galaxy again, I'm going to go insane...

Center - Actually sir we're right in front of a large group of Romulan warbirds.

Baque - I'm moving us behind them.

Center - Long range sensors are picking up the enemy ships closing fast. ETA: 5 seconds.

Senseless - Inform the warbirds to open fire as soon as they can.

Greaser - They're _Romulans_, they do that anyway!

Sure enough, as the five ships drop out of...whatever...the warbirds open up with a barrage of disruptor beams and a few plasma torpedoes. The five ships are quickly destroyed.

Genocide - Worst...episode...ever...

Center - Incoming transmission from the Romulan flagship.

Generic Good Acting Bad Guy - This is Commander Generic of the warbird Rivendale. We've been requested by our government and the Tal Shiar to escort you to the edge of our space.

Righteous - Won't that take, like, a few months?

Commander Generic - Not if we use this convenient wormhole that goes from one side of Romulan territory to the other.

On cue, a redish looking wormhole opens off the Celestial's port bow. The Rivendale and the Celestial move into it.

Scene 8 - Celestial's briefing room. Commander Generic and the Celestial's senior staff are present.

Genocide - I still think this is the worse episode ever. That's saying a lot considering we've had episodes like Celestial 4, 8, 20 and a few in between.

Commander Generic - Is the ring safely locked away on your ship where no one can get to it?

Senseless - Yes and if you think for one second we're going to hand it over to the Romulan Senate you've got another thing coming.

Generic - Having such a device within our Empire would destabilize it. The government would have unlimited control over the people, and the entire empire would fall into civil war. Although it would allow us to rein supreme over the entire known universe, we'd all end up dead in the long run.

Blavik - Logical.

Puker - I'd like to know why the Q haven't become involved yet. Didn't they have something to do with the ring getting where it got?

Tener - Maybe they don't know about it yet.

Camera goes to the Q Continuum where all the Q are sitting in a large theatre eating popcorn and watching these events unfold on a big screen.

Q Which Everybody Knows - Worst...movie...ever...

Camera goes back to the briefing room.

Commander Generic - We must leave you at the edge of our space. Beyond that is space belonging to some random goofy forehead species which you've never heard of before.

Senseless - How long until we find the system we're heading for?

Generic - I don't know. It is many thousands of lightyears outside of Romulan space. We do not know the exact coordinates, but we do know the route that passes through there. It used to be an ancient trade run which passed from system to system. It shouldn't take you more than a few months.

Genocide - A few _months?_

Generic - Stuff doesn't happen quickly, you understand.

Genocide - _A few months!_

Righteous - Just think of it like an extended shore leave, but with work...and stress...and a large possibility of death at the end.

Genocide - _A FEW FING MONTHS!_

Senseless - Genocide, calm down.

Genocide - I _AM_ CALM!

Genocide sits in his chair gripping the table to the point where he buckles and snaps off the piece of plastic on the edge as well as some of the wood.

Generic - Well, according to my token Tal Shiar stealth watch which only decloakes on the hour that I got in a box of Romulo's, we should be just about to hit the border so I bid you good day. Now remember, we'll try to destroy you on the way back once you get rid of the ring, but you'll probably find a way through like you always do.

Righteous - Wish us luck.

Genocide - Take me with you...

Generic - Commander Generic to the Rivendale, beam me back.

Commander Generic dematerializes in a funky green transporter beam previously seen in Star Trek: Nemesis.

Righteous - Can't we just use that ring thingy to make us go really fast and get to where we're going in a few days or something?

Senseless - His estimate was given with that plan in mind.

Genocide - I am NOT sitting on this stupid ship for a two or three months waiting until we get to a stupid planet with a black hole nearby. Sorry if that offends anyone, but I'm leaving.

Blavik - Where will you go to? We're thousands of lightyears from Federation space in unknown territory and you'd have to traverse the entire Romulan Star Empire to get home.

Genocide - STOP RUINING MY HOPES AND DREAMS!

Genocide gets up and storms out of the room.

Righteous - I think this will not be easy too. After all, we're moving through uncharted territory toward an evil we know nothing about. Starfleet always gives us the difficult assignments.

Scene 9 - Bridge of the Saratoga. Captain Farfetched is looking at the viewscreen which is showing a few thousand small ships moving toward the planet Andor (Don't ask me how you can tell it's Andor, just accept it.).

Farfetched - The Celestial gets all the easy assignments.

Camera then goes to the bridge of the USS Litterbox, where Admiral Spot is also looking at the same image, but there are a few hundred Federation and Klingon starships parked facing the incoming fleet.

Spot - Admiral's log, stardate...line!

Swordtail - What? Damn it do I really have to go on that A Call To Duty site and also figure out what the last stardate was? Do I?

Spot - Yes. Some of the readers may actually be going there too and converting it back to normal time, so get it right.

Swordtail - Fine, fine...just a fracking second...stardate 435822.6. Happy now?

Spot - Yes. Admiral's log, stardate 435822.6. The forces of this entity which the Romulans know very little about have amassed a large fleet and are pushing into Federation space. It would appear the Breen have sided with them...sort of...and are helping them build more ships. So now that I've said all that, all ships, fire at will!

CBS or UPN or whatever company owns Trek these days kills about 4 minutes with a drawn out space battle. To give you a hint at what's going on, the Federation ships have far superior weapons, which can destroy dozens of the enemy ships in a single shot, but the enemy ships are far faster, jumpier, and outnumber the Feds about twenty to one. When it's done, the camera goes to a busted up Litterbox where Admiral Spot has ripped the stuffing out of her chair in frustration. Oh yeah, and the Feds won...somehow.

Spot - I read that damn book series and I watched the three movies so I know how events are supposed to unfold in this episode: Where the hell were the fing Romulans in that battle?

Scene 10 - "Three days later" flashes across the screen. Scene is on the bridge. Baque is leaning back in his chair, feet up on the console, chewing gum, and playing with a paddle ball thing.

Baque - Who says I can't multitask?

He says as he adjusts the ship's course with a sharp kick from his heal into the controls. Camera goes to a very bored Lieutenant Bios, who is building a remote control for the turbolift doors using a replicator, a console, and a tricorder...all of which were important where they were.

Bios - You laugh now, but I will get the last laugh when I can close the lift doors and KEEP them closed at will...muh ha ha ha!

Camera goes to Genocide, who is shooting at flies with his phaser set on kill. I don't think I need to mention the number of NoNames he hits instead. Righteous is simply asleep in his chair, an empty hypospray of that stuff dentists use to freeze your mouth is lying next to him. Unbeknownst to everyone, Admiral Nelix has stowed away on the ship and finally comes to the bridge. He jumps onto Righteous's lap. Righteous wakes up and looks at Nelix, then at the camera, which is off to one side.

Righteous - I taut I taw a putty tat!

He looks back at Nelix, then at the camera.

Rigtheous - I did! I did taw a putty tat!

Nelix - Oh give it a rest. I've passed about two hundred crewmen already who have acknowledged I'm here and said nothing to you bozo's. I'm here to make sure you don't screw this really important mission all to hell.

Senseless - With all due respect, sir, we destroyed hell while acting under your orders.

Nelix - Satan is a resourceful...demon. I'm sure that ringworld you mentioned has been rebuilt already...although, there DOES seem to be a large number of politicians and lawyers having accidents and living to tell about them recently. Now to get back on topic here, how long until we reach the Mordor system?

Genocide - What...the...f...

Senseless - About a month and a half.

Nelix - Too slow. We need to go faster. I've been in contact with the Romulans and apparently the entity's forces attacked Andor. The Federation and the Klingon Empire were able to fend them off, but another attack could be just around the corner.

Genocide - So, are you Golom or Gandalf?

Nelix - What the hell! What kind of stupid question is that!

Genocide - Am I the _only_ person who read those damn books and is finding this whole adventure a wee bit too predictable?

Righteous - OK ten, if yoo know vat's about to tappen, tell us?

Genocide - Well, about now should be the time when a massive army passes us and we almost get seen.

Long pause...

Baque - We're approaching a stellar inversion nebula. We'll have to drop to impulse to pass through. It would add another ten weeks to go around.

Senseless - Acknowledged. Drop to impulse. Take us in.

Genocide - I wouldn't go through there if I were you.

Nelix - He's probably right...never thought I'd hear myself say that...If this is the only way in, it stands to reason it's the only way out and it might be guarded.

Righteous - Blllt! Yeah right!

Center - Captain, I'm picking up something on long range sensors, and it's heading this way fast...wait, make that a lot of something's.

Senseless - Helm, hide us somewhere!

Bios - There's a dark matter asteroid twenty thousand kilometres to port. We could hide behind it and it should mask our warp signature.

Righteous - Do it 'ten.

Nelix - Damn it I knew we should have picked a better ship to go this far.

Center - The enemy fleet is passing us and is going to warp as they leave the nebula.

Senseless - On screen.

The viewscreen changes to show the side of a black rock as a couple hundred thousand small and medium sized ships fly past and jump to warp.

Nelix - Well! I think we can safely say we're not going in _that _way. Helmboy, plot a course that parallels the passageway but keeps us within the nebula.

Baque - Is it now Starfleet protocol to call me that?

Nelix - Plot the course and I'll tell you.

Baque - Course plotted and laid in. Well?

Nelix - I forget. I'll be in my quarters, complaining about things and writing reports so you won't see me for the rest of the week. AND DON'T WELD THE DOOR SHUT THIS TIME!

Genocide - Sheesh. Talk about holding a grudge.

Scene 11 - Starfleet Headquarters, Earth. Admiral Spot is sitting on her desk, a few dozen PADD's lay scattered around her work space.

Spot - ...stupid...

A nameless commander comes in.

NoName #2 - Ma'am, Deep Space 4 reports confirmation on that report of from the long range telescope at Denobula. The full force of the entity's fleet is on it's way here.

Spot - I suspected as much. Bring all ships home immediately. Contact the Klingons and the Romulans and anyone else you can bribe with cookies. Put every Starfleet force in the Sol system on Red Alert and run continuous battle drills until the enemy arrives. How long until the Litterbox is ready?

NoName #2 - An hour, maybe hour and a half. Ma'am, we don't stand a chance against this many ships.

Spot - Maybe not, but let's go down with a fight.

NoName #2 - I was thinking more of running away and starting a new Earth somewhere else.

Spot - Someday you'll be an Admiral and then you can make those kind of decisions, but until then–

NoName #2 - Ma'am, think about what you just said.

Spot - The part about you making those kind of decisions?

NoName #2 - No, the part about me being an Admiral someday.

Spot - Ha ha, good point. I'll put you on fighter duty when the enemy attacks.

NoName #2 - Well, I made it to commander, I should be happy.

He leaves the room and Admiral Spot sits back down and continues reading redundant reports.

Scene 12 - The Q Continuum. The Q are watching the events unfold (still) and are getting tired of waiting for the interesting scenes to happen.

Q - BORING! Let's vote to fast forward to the part where the good stuff happens.

Q - All in favour?

Q's - OI!

Q - All against?

Q's - ...

Q - OK, Q, hit the fast forward button.

Camera jumps to the bridge of the Celestial. All senior staff are present. The ship is still passing through the nebula.

Righteous - Hey, wouldn't it be cool if we suddenly got to the Mordor system by some unknown force?

FLASH! Everything goes white. Camera goes to space near the rogue planet (which, it turns out, is about a few billion kilometres from a small black hole and therefore not rogue at all), where the USS Celestial suddenly appears out of nowhere in a big flash of light. Camera goes to the bridge.

Senseless - I'm sure we could waste hours trying to figure out how _that_ happened, so let's just blame it on a little Deus Ex Machina.

Righteous - Hey, I was right–

Baque - Will wonders never cease..?

Righteous - --That _was_ cool!

Bios - Ah, Commander? We've got incoming...

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - Raising shields! Arming weapons!

Center - Multiple enemy contacts, all around us!

Righteous - Prophets, don't fail us now...

Senseless - Toc, set a course for that black hole off in the distance. Genocide, fire at will!

Genocide takes a look at his console, which shows more targets than can be shown all at once.

Genocide - This trip might just be worthwhile!

Scene 13 - Above Earth. Thousands of Federation and Klingon and Romulan ships line up all nice and neatly. On the other side of the system, hundreds of thousands of small, black, bug-like ships also line up, but not so neatly (Ever noticed how the Orcs in LOTR could never march in step?). Camera goes to a dramatic shot of Fleet Admiral Spot who looks pissed. Camera then goes to the bridge of the largest enemy ship, where a figure dressed in black armour also looks pissed. Camera then goes back to Spot.

Spot - All ships, full impulse!

Camera watches as the Allied ships floor it in the direction of the enemy ships, which speed up to meet then. As they close in on one another, the camera watches as the gap narrows. When it looks like there's only about a few metres before they collide (Don't ask me why they haven't opened fire yet...), a small space ship with a huge front window floats into view. This window goes 360 degrees around the ship, largest at the front. Inside is an average looking guy holding a Snickers bar. All the ships come to a dead stop. The Snickers guy presses a button on a console and opens a general hail.

Snickers Guy - Ok, just a thought, but, is this really about who gets control of the galaxy, or is everyone on edge because they're hungry?

Camera goes to various allied races' ships, where people such as Admiral Spot, Chancellor Martok, Captain Farfetched, and Romulan Commander Spronk all just sort of shrug and nod. Camera goes back to the Snickers guy who points toward a large space station orbiting Mars which is apparently a Snickers dispenser. As the scene fades out, both sides can be seen moving their ships toward it and lowering their shields.

Scene 14 - The exploding bridge of the Celestial.

Bios - LAUNCH CANNISTER READY, SIR!

Genocide - SHIELDS AT 36! AFT TORPEDO LAUNCHERS OFFLINE!

Center - MORE SHIPS ARE BEING LAUNCHED FROM THE PLANET'S SURFACE!

Senseless - TIME UNTIL WE REACH THE BLACK HOLE?

Baque - ONE MINUTE!

Righteous - I DON'T WANT TO DIE THIS FAR FROM BAJOR!

More explosions rock the bridge.

Bios - The ring is in the ejection cannister!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Bios - And transporters are offline! I can't get the ejection cannister into the torpedo tube!

Senseless - Genocide, come on!

Senseless and Genocide leave the bridge. Tener takes tactical as the turbolift doors close.

Righteous - Keep shooting! We're looking bad, here!

Camera goes to the turbolift where Senseless and Genocide exit and run down a corridor into Main Engineering.

Greaser - It's here!

As the room explodes around them, they pick up the cylindrical metal container which is flickering between visibility and invisibility.

Senseless - OUT OF THE WAY!

He yells as the two run down a corridor filled with screaming NoNames. They enter the turbolift again.

Senseless - Deck 12!

The lift goes up three decks and the two run out of it again. The camera follows until they reach a T intersection and take a right. The camera stays looking at the T and a few seconds later Genocide and Senseless and the container run past, going down the left corridor this time.

Senseless - When I find out who designed this ship...

Camera goes back to the bridge.

Tener - SHIELDS ARE DOWN!

The exploding suddenly stops.

Baque - We're within range of the black hole. Any closer and we'll risk structural failure.

Center's console starts beeping.

Center - TRANSPORTER ACTIVITY! THEY'RE BEAMING ONTO THE SHIP!

Righteous - Intruder alert! All hands, protect...wait, what are we protecting again?

Baque - The ring, you twit!

Righteous - RIGHT! All hands, prevent the enemy from capturing the ring at all costs.

Tener - I'd better go, then.

Camera goes to Torpedo Tube Access 1, if the sign above the door is any indication. Inside, Senseless, Genocide, and a few NoNames are loading the ejection cannister into a torpedo.

Genocide - There, done.

Senseless - Prepare for a manual launch.

Phaser blasts can be heard outside the door.

NoName #3 - Make it fast, sir! I only have a few more seconds to live!

Senseless grasps the fire control in his hands and gets ready to pull.

Senseless - Everyone get back!

The door explodes inward, killing NoName #3 as Senseless pulls the level down. The torpedo fires out of the ship and heads straight into the black hole, it's temporal compensators preventing it from slowing down due to relativity and screwing everyone over. Camera watches as the torpedo casing shears off, then the cannister. Camera goes to the planet, where the volcanic activity suddenly magnifies and lava starts shooting out into space, hitting the moons orbiting the dying world. Camera goes back to watch as the ring begins to shine, showing some dumb annoying letters etched into it. Camera goes to see the armour-clad warriors who had broken into the torpedo tube room writhing in pain. Camera goes to watch the planet as it begins to spew more and more lava into space, destroying thousands of the orbiting ships and causing many more to simply explode for no reason. Camera watches as the ring finally hits the event horizon, and implodes, creating a shockwave which collapses the black hole into a...well, particle fountain, I guess...makes a mess anyway...yeah. Camera goes to the planet, just in time to see it explode in a ball of fire, destroying the orbiting moons, the ships, and sending out a flash of light which can be seen from the Celestial. Camera goes to the Celestial's bridge. Senseless and Genocide enter from the turbolift.

Senseless - Did it work?

Bios - I'm reading that the black hole was destroyed, as was the planet, and every enemy ship seems to have detonated as well. This had to be the corniest ending we've ever had to an episode and I'm just glad it's over.

Baque - I suppose now wouldn't be a good time to point out that without the ring it will take decades to get home...

Genocide - ...Damn it!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	3. Celestial 23

Star Trek: Celestial #23: Rising Fuel Prices

By Swordtail

Started July 9, 2006

Finished August 22, 2006

Scene 1 - Camera is on the Celestial as it flies through space at warp.

Righteous - Captain's log, stardate 435846.1. We're _still_ stranded in the Beta Quadrant, and I'd _still_ like to know why we didn't think of this when we took the ring out this far from Federation space. My underlings tell me that fixing all the holes those weird unnamed ships punched into our hull has seriously depleted our deuterium and dylithium reserves. Apparently, we have to go into "grey mode," whatever _that_ is.

Camera goes to the bridge. All bridge staff are present and looking at Captain Righteous.

Baque - You know, your "underlings" are right here while you record your logs!

Senseless - Sir, grey mode means we have to shut down all non-essential systems, and group all the crew together and shut down entire decks. Ensign, proceed with power-down.

Center - Aye, sir.

Camera watches as lights in some corridors, life support on some decks, power to some consoles, a few replicators, a cappuccino machine, three sonic showers, and the main viewer on the bridge go offline.

Center - Should I also shut down power to Triage Facilities 1 and 2?

Bios - Sure, it's not like we ever use them in place of sickbay.

Camera goes outside the ship and watches as most of the window lights and exterior lights turn off. Camera goes back to the bridge.

Senseless - How much longer do we have until total deuterium loss?

Center - If the fuel guage is working right, about thirty days, give or take a few hours.

Righteous - If it's working right? Who last serviced it and when?

Bios - Oh I took a look at it a few days ago.

Camera goes into space and watches as the blue and red lights on the nacelles flicker and then go out, followed by all remaining window lights. Camera goes to a very dark and disabled bridge.

Bios - Oopsie...

Opening–Ah f it.

Scene 2 - Briefing room. The only light is from what's streaming in from the stars, which means it's pretty much pitch black. All senior staff are present.

Righteous - Let's skip to the question we all want to know: Who forgot to check whether we paid the utility bill?

Greaser - There was no reason to question the gauge...until now. Thanks a lot, Lieutenant Bios.

Bios - I said I was sorry...

Genocide - What the hell were you doing screwing with it anyway?

Bios - It was slightly off so I figured I'd fix it.

Greaser - Well we're totally out of deuterium. All tanks are dry and we don't even have enough to start up the fusion reactors. All systems are offline.

Puker - What about those red emergency lights?

Greaser - I had to tie their power sources into the grav plating and life support, along with the shuttles and almost every other source of power we have left available to us.

Senseless - Could we use the shuttles to go look for more deuterium?

Greaser - Sure, if you don't mind holding your breath until they come back.

Senseless - Damn it. OK, here's what's going to happen: I want every available member of this crew searching the entire ship with tricorders for every atom of deuterium we have left. Look for heavy water in the toilets, any American beer that's lying around, scrape it off the pipes and tanks. I want enough to activate the subspace transponder so we can send a distress signal. Hopefully people in this part of the galaxy are friendly and willing to share.

Tener - Doesn't this part of space border on the Romulan Empire?

Blavik - It does.

Tener - Then the only way they haven't been conquered yet is if they are as ruthless as the Romulans or worse.

Senseless - Well that's just great. How long until the shuttles' power supplies run out and life support fails?

Greaser - About eight hours.

Righteous - And how long after that will we not be able to breath.

Greaser - About twenty minutes, give or take.

Genocide (sarcastically) - As I recall this isn't the first time we've lost all power and had to send out a distress signal. Think the USS Saratoga will show up this time?

Righteous - Well the Prophets do work in mysterious ways...

Puker - Now I hate to end this pointless dialogue, but we're wasting valuable time. Let's start looking for that deuterium or whatever it's called these days.

Righteous - The doctor's right. Dismissed people.

Everyone gets up and fumbles around stumbling into things as they try to find the door, which, of course, won't open anyway.

Scene 3 - Some dirty rusted ship in the middle of nowhere. From the looks of it its about fifty years old or so. The ship is manned by a bunch of goofy forehead aliens. You know the thing in the Super Mario games where there are three rows of parts of stars, mushrooms, and flowers flying by and you have to match them up? Well, these aliens look like UPN or CBS or whatever used the same method of matching up various cosmetic things, but didn't get it quite right and just took what they got.

Pirate #1 (oops, gave that away, didn't I?) - Captain!

Pirate Captain - What is it.

Pirate #1 - I'm detecting a faint distress signal.

Pirate Captain - Source?

Pirate #1 - A large ship of unknown origin. There is no power on it, sir.

Pirate Captain - Set a course, raise shields and arm weapons.

Camera goes into space and watches the broken down vessel jump to warp...somehow.

Scene 4 - The pirate ship drops out of warp and moves toward the dark Celestial. On it's bridge...

Pirate #2 - Um, that's a bigggggggg ship. Are you sure we can take it?

Pirate #1 - There are over 700 lifesigns. We'd never be able to steal that ship, if it were running at peak efficiency.

Pirate Captain - Hail them.

Pirate #1 - Opening a channel...no response. Their communications system seems to be down.

Pirate Captain - Then how did they send their previous distress signal?

Pirate #1 - Wait! We're being hailed! Audio only.

Pirate Captain - Let's hear it.

Beep!

Senseless - This is Commander Jack Senseless of the Federation starship Celestial. Can you help our sorry asses?

Pirate Captain - I am Captain Pinkbeard of the warship Skullcrusher. Perhaps we can help. What is the problem?

Senseless - Well it's a funny story, actually. You see, we were on a mission to destroy a dangerous object, and it was able to get us out here very fast, but now we have to return home, which is over ten thousand lightyears away, under our own power and we've run out of deuterium because one of our crewmen accidentally damaged the gauge and it says we have a quarter of a tank but we're completely out. Can you spare enough to get to the nearest deuterium refinery?

Captain Pinkbeard - Uh, let me just, um, consult my chief engineer. Stand by Celestial.

Camera goes to the astrometrics lab of the Celestial. Righteous, Bios, Senseless, Greaser, and Center are present.

Greaser - I don't trust them.

Bios - I have to agree. They sound a little...eccentric.

Righteous - It's a good thing for them that we have no choice.

Center - Or shields and weapons.

Greaser - Or a competent security force.

Righteous - I refuse to stand here and let you insult my ship and crew!

Righteous storms to the back of the room, forces open the doors, and pounds down the corridor. A few seconds later he comes back carrying a chair. He enters the room, drops the chair, sits in if, crosses his arms, and looks annoyed.

Righteous - There.

Scene 5 - Bridge. Baque, Genocide, Blavik and Puker are standing around in the dark.

Baque - So three Vulcans walk into a bar and–

Genocide - Are you trying to get us killed?

Baque - Just shut up a minute. Three Vulcans walk into a bar and order some bloodwine. The bartender gives them a funny look but proceeds with the order. While he is rummaging around looking for the bottle, the Vulcans get up and start singing and dancing around the room. When they come back to the bar, the bartender has a dumbfounded expression on his face. One of the vulcans asks him what the matter is. The bartender responds, "I can honestly say we've never gotten anyone quite like you three in here before." Another vulcan responds, "At the prices you're charging, I'm not surprised."

The sound of two drum beats and someone hitting the cymbals can be heard in the background.

Genocide - It took you almost a year to tell _that_!

Blavik - Fascinating. I seem to "get it." The high prices were the punchline of the joke, not the illogical behaviour of the three vulcans.

Puker meanwhile is rolling on the floor laughing his ass off.

Puker - AH HA HA! THAT'S FING HILARIOUS!

Baque - At least someone admires the classics made new.

Suddenly, the lights come on, pulse for a second, then go out again.

Baque - What the?

Genocide - Engineering must have found a power source.

Blavik - Most unlikely. It is more probable that the ship the Commander was talking about a few minutes ago has boarded us and is attempting to refuel the ship.

Camera goes to the astrometrics lab.

Righteous - Well, it's a start anyway. Good work Lieutenant-Commander.

Greaser - I didn't do anything.

Center - Maybe our new friends..?

The channel opens again and Captain Pinkbeard appears on the screen.

Pinkbeard - After a careful search of your ship and after consulting your main computer after a two second power-up, we've decided to toe you to the nearest deuterium refinery...but you're not invited.

Righteous - Well that's not very nice of you.

Pinkbeard - We're pirates, get used to it.

Bios looks at the console.

Bios - Um, they're moving closer and I'm detecting transporter activity throughout the ship.

Righteous - Commander! Do something!

Senseless - Greaser! Reroute power from life support to transporter inhibitors!

Greaser - Don't we need life support!

Senseless - Not if we get beamed into space!

Greaser hits some buttons on the console.

Greaser - Done. We have one hour of air left though. It'll keep us in but not them out!

Just as she finishes, an angry looking boarding party bursts in through the doors and begins firing at them.

Senseless - Computer lock out all command functions authorization Senseless omega one G!

Computer (faintly, since it's only coming from one console) - Command lockout engaged.

Senseless - Well then, nothing left to do except get stunned.

One of the pirates fires a wide beam weapon at the group of officers.

PZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

Scene 6 - Lieutenant Tener, once again being ignored, is crawling around in some jefferies tubes.

Tener - Ok James, remember Starfleet training: When you're the only one left on the ship, always remember that it's all up to you or else everyone is going to die. Secondly, stay calm at all costs...I never should have memorized that passage.

He reaches an EPS terminal thingy and opens it.

Tener - Let's see...these gel packs control...damn. I can't remember what these control. Oh well better pull them out anyway.

He removes the two blue bio-neural gel packs and sets them aside.

Tener - Hmm..Nothing.

Meanwhile, deck 18 is being flooded with carbon dioxide from the rest of the ship. Camera goes to the pirates on that deck, who are now coughing up lungs and cursing the faulty Starfleet equipment. Camera goes back to Lieutenant Tener.

Tener - Alright, now think, I should know this: Where is the nearest weapons locker?

Tener - Right, I've got nothing. Trusty hand phaser it is then.

Tener takes out his phaser, sets it to heavy stun, re-holsters it, and begins to climb up a ladder.

Scene 7 - Bridge. A bunch of balding, middle aged thugs with hygiene problems are guarding Senseless as he is being beat to shit by Captain Pinkbeard.

Pinkbeard - I'M ONLY GOING TO TELL YOU THIS ONCE MORE! DISENGAGE THE COMMAND LOCKOUT, IMMEDIATELY!

Senseless - I've said this once, and I'll say it again: Go f yourself!

Pinkbeard - Alright have it your way...

Senseless - Yep, I guess you'll just have to go f yourself now.

Pinkbeard - Nameless crewman, go get the tapes...

NoName Pirate #3 - Right here, sir.

Pinkbeard puts the isolinear chip into the computer console next to Senseless and the screen shows a "loading" image.

Pinkbeard - We were able to search your library computer and found various ways to torture the mind of humans. This one is the worst we've found. Computer, play. MAXIMUM VOLUME!

On the main viewer, the American Idol logo flies past, followed by the words: "Audition archives"

Senseless - My god...

A clip of some punk-assed teen girl with piercings in more places than you want to know is singing VERY badly in front of a bunch of random no-name judges.

Girl - NEAR! FAR! WHERE EVER YOU ARE...!

Senseless - **_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_**

Pinkbeard - Our medical guys says that this type of sound is fatal to the human brain! Have fun watching and listening to all **1000 HOURS OF IT!** Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Senseless - OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO PLEASE STOP! COMPUTER ACTIVATE THE SELF DESTRUCT SYSTEM.

Computer - Unable to comply. Primary computer core has been disconnected from main processor. Get used to it.

Senseless - AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Scene 8 - Camera goes to Lieutenant-Commander Genocide's quarters. He is currently throwing paper airplanes into the air and shooting them down with a phaser. Suddenly, the communicator on the wall beeps. Genocide goes over and activates it.

Genocide - Yes?

Tener - Sir! Is that you?

Genocide - Um...yes?

Tener - Cool. It still works.

Genocide - I thought the pirates disabled the communications system.

Tener - I've tapped into the EPS system and am transmitting the message that way.

Genocide - Where did you learn a thing like that?

Tener - Enterprise episode #27. Now, are you armed?

Genocide - Is that a serious question?

Tener - I suppose not. Can you get out of your quarters?

Genocide - Yeah I've tried that already. They posted twenty armed guards around my door.

Tener - OK well I'm still up and about. I'm going to try to contact the rest of the senior staff.

Genocide - So who are you going to get to crawl through the ventilation ducts?

Tener - What?

Genocide - I saw that episode too.

Tener - Damn it this has nothing to do with that episode! That entire series sucked!

Genocide - So does this on and I want you to know that it's not going to be me that's crawling through those ducts!

Tener - Whatever. I'm going to try to get to Greaser's quarters. She can then easily talk me through rewiring the entire ship to talk to anyone I want.

Scene 9 - Camera is in Lieutenant-Commander Greaser's quarters as she is talking into her wall communicator thingy that the ships still have incase anyone forgets their combadge or something dumb like that.

Greaser - Ok first you have to unload the dohicky and reroute power from the watchamacallit. Then, shunt all the hot killy stuff into the main go thing and bypass the whoseamatron.

Tener - You're one of those people who can do stuff themselves but can't teach others to do the same things, aren't you?

Greaser - Does it show? I was always interested in teaching at the Academy when I retire...oh well. I should be dead by then anyway.

Tener - How bout I just wipe the control circuitry that protects the plasma grid in this section, reroute warp plasma from the backup tanks into the main core, and then bypass the energy filters?

Greaser - Actually that's what I was trying to tell you. Go for it.

Tener - Well on the bright side the pirates refuelled the ship for us.

Greaser - True...

Tener - There I think I did it. I'm opening a channel to the rest of the senior staff.

Beeps!

Center - Hello?

Genocide - What? How did _you_ hack this channel?

Baque - What? What's going on?

Righteous - Prophets!

Bios - I thought I broke that communicator!

Blavik - Most illogical.

Puker - Hey guys!

Tener - Before you all start talking at once, I'm using the EPS grid to communicate with you all.

Righteuos - Didn't I see this on a TV show once?

Tener - Well try to keep your lunch down. We have to retake the ship.

Genocide - I'm all for it but how?

Tener - We know this ship better than they do. All we have to do is outwit them. Then, with a fully fuelled Opaka class starship at our disposal, they'll have no choice but to back off.

Genocide - Um...have you looked out a window any time recently?

Tener - Not for an hour or two, why?

Puker - Well out my window are about fifty different ships and a big trading station of some kind. Our pirate friends are moored right next to us. I'm guessing we've been towed to some kind of pirate hang-out or something.

Center - Why would they keep us alive then?

Righteous - To sell us into slavery of course...Prophets damned Cardassian totalitarians!

Greaser - Right...

Bios - Where is the commander?

Baque - Good question.

Blavik - Perhaps the consoles on the battlebridge can be of some assistance?

Tener - Good thinking. They probably haven't found it yet. It's pretty well hidden from the rest of the ship.

Greaser - What about the site to site transporters? Can you get them working?

Tener - Woah, woah, one thing at a time. First I have to get to the battle bridge without being seen or shot at.

Genocide - Take the jefferies tubes down to deck 11, then go on foot from there. It's only about 100 metres. Who knows? You might find some crewpeoples who are willing to act as human shields.

Tener - Ok. You guys talk amongst yourselves. I'll contact you once I reach the battlebridge.

Scene 10 - Later, Tener and three noname red, blue, and yellow shirts are running around corridors carrying phaser rifles for stealth...so it's not working all that well.

Tener - Twenty five metres.

NoName #1 - So far so good.

Tener - Wait! Two hostiles approaching from the right.

NoName #2 - Where–?

Pzzzzzzzzt!

The two pirates open fire and NoName #2 is killed instantly. Tener and the other two no-names take off running.

Tener - Ten metres to the battle bridge! If you two can hold them off, I'll go in and start up the ship!

NoName #1 - Um..OK! Well make sure no-one gets through that door!

Tener and his group finally reach the door. While the two no-names lay down cover fire, Tener fiddles with the lock and manages to open the door. He runs inside and yells to the computer.

Tener - Computer, disengage command lockout for the battlebridge. Authorization Tener delta two two one theta!

Computer - Command lockout disengaged. Access to ship systems being routed through auxiliary computer processor. Full power available to all systems.

Tener - Excellent.

Camera goes outside the battle bridge where the two nonames are running out of ammo fast.

NoName #3 - We can't hold the much longer!

NoName #1 - Sht! My phaser is jammed or something!

He looks down the barrel as he messes with it. Of course, it goes off in his face, blowing his head off and fusing the door behind him.

NoName #3 - Crap.

NoName #3 does the only logical thing remaining to him and sets his phaser to overload. As soon as he finishes, the pirates manage to hit him. As the pirates approach the door, the humming of NoName #3's phaser rifle gets more high pitched and the camera goes inside the battle bridge. Tener jumps as a loud BOOM fills the room and the door gets bulged inward.

Tener - Computer, lock onto all non-starfleet personal and transport them onto the nearby station.

Computer - Transport in progress.

Camera watches as pirates throughout the ship are transported away. Camera goes to the main bridge and watches as the pirate on the left of Senseless is beamed away. Senseless acts fast and grabs the weapon from the pirate on his right. He fires at Captain Pinkbeard as he and the other remaining pirates on the ship are transported away. Senseless then sets the weapon on maximum and aims it at the main viewer's speakers.

PZZZZZZT! The terribly annoying music finally stops as some kid with a severe acne problem is trying to sing "I feel like chicken tonight." Camera goes back to the battle bridge.

Tener - Computer, unlock all quarters. Transport the senior staff to the main bridge.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!

The entire senior staff materializes on the main bridge. Puker and Blavik go over to tend to Senseless's ear wounds as the rest take their stations.

Greaser (leaving) - Why didn't you beam me to Engineering? Now I have to walk there!

Righteous - Good work Lieutenant. Now, let's go home.

Genocide - Why don't we blow this joint first?

Righteous - Isn't that the same?

Genocide - No, blowing this joint means we blow it out of the sky. Permission to arm weapons and raise shields?

Senseless - Maybe. Lieutenant-Commander Greaser, what is our fuel supply like?

Greaser - Since I personally fixed the gauge, we are at 3/4 of a tank. Plenty for a few months at least.

Senseless - Then by all means...Charge phasers, load torpedoes, raise shields, turn on the warp core. All hands, battlestations.

Camera goes to the outside of the ship, which suddenly comes alive with flashy lights and glowing nacelles. Camera goes to the station's command centre. Some nameless thugs are sitting around doing nothing when Captain Pinkbeard and a few of his pirate friends burst in and start yelling at the station commander.

Pinkbeard - LOCK ALL WEAPONS ON THAT DAMN SHIP! BLOW IT OUT OF THE SKY! NO ONE CROSSES CAPTAIN PINKBEARD AND GETS AWAY WITH IT! FIRE!

Station Commander - Sheesh take a chill pill or something. That ship is dead in the water and it's crew are locked away in quarters. Besides, we're expecting it to bring the largest price ever seen in this part of the galaxy. No way we're shooting at it.

Out the window the Celestial starts to move off. The station commander turns around in time to see that his prize ship is leaving.

Station Commander - Son of a bih! Trading Ops to all ships: The person who destroys that rust bucket will get 10 of what we thought we'd make on it! Attack!

Pinkbeard - I better still get payment for bringing it in.

Station Commander - Only if you destroy it before it leaves the nebula. If that ship alerts the authorities to our location, we'll all be arrested and/or forced to share a cell with a carnivorous potted plant.

Camera watches as a few hundred odd ships plus one heavily armed illegal black market trading station open fire on the USS Celestial. On the Celestial's bridge...

Boom, ship rocks, sparks!

Senselses - My God they don't want us to leave do they!

Righteous - I think we should surrender! I'm not sure dying out here will ensure my spirt gets to the Celestial Temple!

Baque - Then lucky for us we don't listen to you.

Genocide - These ships are making me angry. And when Genocide gets angry, my trigger finger gets twitchy. And when my trigger finger gets twitchy...people DIE!

He hits practically every button on his console at once and the Celestial fires all it's phasers simultaneously and launches every loaded torpedo in a single salvo. Every shot somehow hits a target, destroying, disabling, or just plain pissing off said item.

Genocide - THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

Center - Congratulations you just blew a bunch of plasma conduits on deck 5.

Genocide looks toward Righteous.

Genocide - Excuse me captain.

Righteous - Yeah?

Genocide - Was I transferred to the Engineering department and not told?

Righteous - Not that I recall...

Genocide looks back at Center.

Genocide - Then I don't care!

He hits every button again and once again the Celestial fires all it's weapons at the same time.

Bios - Long range sensors have picked up another thirty large ships approaching at high warp.

Senseless - How long until we clear the nebula.

Baque - We're at the edge right now.

Senseless - Then set a course for Earth, warp 9.

Genocide - No wait I'm having too much fun!

Camera watches as the Celestial grudgingly goes to warp.

Righteous - Somehow I doubt we've seen the last of those pirate peoples.

Center - Especially considering they're right on our tail and gaining on us.

Genocide - They don't give up do they? Good!

Camera watches as the Celestial fires it's aft torpedo launchers directly at the pursuing ships. Several drop out of warp after being hit.

Center - Commander Genocide I don't think the tactical systems can take this kind of abuse much longer.

Genocide - Neither can the ship if those pirates catch us. You have a better idea?

Baque - They're still gaining on us.

Bios - Um, incoming...

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Center - Direct hit to our primary plasma grid. Main power is fluctuating!

Genocide - Oh sit what does this big flashing red light in the middle of my console mean?

BOOM! The tactical console explodes, sending Genocide flying back against the wall and knocking him unconscious.

Senseless - Medical team to the bridge!

Center - We've lost all weapons! Shields are failing!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks!

Camera goes to Engineering. Greaser and her team are running around frantically trying to keep the ship in one piece.

Greaser - Damn it! Where is that auxiliary power?

NoName #5 - You're living off it!

Greaser - Crewman! Watch the intermix ratio! Make sure the antimatter injectors don't–

FOOOOOooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmm... The warp core goes offline.

MmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFF Warp core comes back online.

Greaser - Well son of a—

BOOM! Ship lurches violently, consoles explode!

Greaser - Crap!

Camera goes back to the bridge.

Baque - Warp drive is fluctuating! It'll go offline if we take much more of this!

Blavik (at the back tending to Genocide with some medics) - Then I believe the logical thing to do would be to place our heads between our legs and kiss our proverbial asses goodbye.

Boom! Ship rocks, sparks.

Greaser - Engineering to bridge, we're looking at structural collapse if we don't stop flying in weird formations!

Senseless - How much longer until we reach Romulan space?

Baque - A little over two minutes, but I don't think we'll make it.

Righteous - Now would be a good time to engage the ship's cloaking device!

Bios - WE DON'T _HAVE_ A CLOAKING DEVICE!

Righteous - Why the fire caves not!

Bios - Because we stupidly signed a treaty with the Romulans that effectively screwed us over for all eternity!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Righteous - That's it! I've had it! Drop out of warp!

Baque looks at Senseless.

Righteous - Damn it Lieutenant I'm the captain here! DO AS I SAY!

Baque - OK dropping out of warp.

Camera watches as the Celestial drops out of warp and the other ships fly right by.

Righteous - Now. How close are those ships to the Romulan border?

Center (understanding) - They just crossed into it.

Camera watches the pirates drop out of warp and come about. However, before they can go back to warp, a fleet of Romulan warbirds decloak and open fire. The pirates are quickly decimated...except one: The Skullcrusher. Camera goes back to the Celestial's bridge.

Righteous - Us: 1. Pirates: 1. I do believe a bowl of porridge is in store for everyone concerned. Hail the Romulans.

Center - Wait! Captain Pinkbeard is hailing us!

Senseless - Onscreen.

Beep!

Pinkbeard - (silence)

Senseless - Oh crap I forgot. Um...patch the audio through the console speakers.

Pinkbeard - --this round but I'll be back soon! No one crosses Captain Pinkbeard and lives to brag about it! Adieu, till next time!

Beep!

Righteous - Now, hail the Romulans! I want to brag about this!

Center - Um, the Romulans are heading straight for us.

Righteous - Excellent, they're probably going to tow us back to Earth.

BOOM! Ship lurches violently, consoles spark.

Righteous - WHAT THE HELL!

Senseless - Call me cynical but I have a feeling we've no longer welcome in Romulan territory. They probably didn't like us bringing company with us.

Bios - And with only 5,000 lightyears to go too...so sad.

Senseless - Evasive manoeuvres. Options, people.

Genocide (just awakening) - I saw we ram one and pour a few tricobalt torpedoes into their hull.

Bios - That still won't get us home.

Tener - I'm going to interject here just to let everyone know I'm still around: I do remember we once used something called quantum slipstream?

Bios - Oh no, not again! We almost destroyed ourselves last time, and that was only a short jump of a few thousand lightyears, with a fully repaired ship. We've never survive!

Senseless - Unfortunately without help that Romulan fleet will destroy us much faster. Bios, Center, make the necessary modifications to the Deflector. Bridge to Engineering, we're going to attempt quantum slipstream. Divert power from the warp core into the main and secondary deflector arrays. Prepare to hold the ship together with duct tape if you have to.

Camera goes to Engineering.

Greaser - Did he miss my rant about structural collapse? Did he? God damn it!

Camera goes back to the bridge.

Bios - We're as ready as we'll ever be.

Senseless - Then by all means, Lieutenant Baque?

Baque - Here goes everything...Slipstream in 4...3...2...1...

The crew are thrown back in their seats as the ship is sucked into that weird bluish energy vortex slipstream thing.

Scene 11 - Camera is in the Spacedock, near Earth. Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix are standing around talking by a window in Spot's office.

Spot - The Lexington took a beating from that ion storm, yes. But! They also gathered valuable data regarding the internal structure of ion storms. It could be used to protect ships in the future.

Nelix - The Saratoga could have done that and would have taken fewer casualties. Now I have to contact a hundred families and tell them why their relatives are dead...sheesh why did the Federation pass that bill anyway?

Pause as they look out the window.

Spot - No word from the Celestial?

Nelix - No and good riddance.

Spot - I have to agree with you. Without them around damaging themselves, we've managed to keep enough supplies on hand to build two Galaxy Class starships in their absence.

Nelix - Hopefully they'll be lazy like they usually are and not get into any battles that will damage their pathetic ship.

Scene 12 - Celestial's bridge. Everything is exploding around them.

Center - Structural integrity is offline!

Bios - One minute till normal space!

Baque - SHIT! We're losing the port nacelle!

Senseless - On screen!

The main viewer changes just in time to watch the port warp nacelle break at the pylon and fall away from the ship. It impacts with the side of the slipstream and explodes in an contrived ball of fire.

Center - Hull breaches on decks 7 through 12! We're venting plasma, air, and that liquid detergent we use to clean carpets and blood-stained uniforms!

Bios - 30 seconds!

Boom! A beam falls from the ceiling in front of the command chairs.

Righteous - PROPHETS! DAMN THAT WAS CLOSE! ANY CLOSER AND THAT BEAM COULD HAVE–

Bam! A piece of ceiling tile falls and hits Righteous in the head..

Righteous - Ok I'll shut up now.

Baque - We've just lost the port impulse engine! We're starting to drift!

Bios - Ten seconds!

Camera watches as the Celestial grazes the side of the slipstream and rips off a huge chunk of it's primary hull.

Scene 13 - Spacedock. Spot and Nelix are still at a window looking out into space. Suddenly, they see a small blueish vortex begin to form.

Spot - What the hell is that?

Nelix - Whatever it is it isn't too far away. I'd guess only about 5 or 10 kilometres.

Then, expectantly, the USS Celestial comes flying out of the slipstream, debris streaming from the gaping hole in the port side, plasma streaming from the broken port nacelle pylon. Of course, the ship is heading straight for the Spacedock.

Spot - OH SHT!

Camera goes to the Celestial's bridge.

Senseless - TOC!

Baque - EMERGENCY REVERSE!

Bios - We don't have enough power!

Righteous - ALL HANDS BRACE FOR IMPACT!

Camera goes back to Spot and Nelix.

Spot - RUN!

The camera goes in front of the two cats as they run as fast as they possibly can away from the window. A few seconds later, the Celestial slams into the spacedocks's shields...It slows down, but not enough.

_**CRASH!**_

Spot - HISSSSSSSSSSSS!

The two cats run as fast as their four furry legs will take them as the 700 metre long starship comes crashing through the corridor behind them. Sparks fly, explosions ripple through the section, no-names go flying through the air, and the Opaka Class ship comes to a dead stop about 50 metres inside the station.

Spot - THAT was close!

The two felines go back to the front of the Celestial. A hatch pops open and Lieutenant Tener and Ensign Blavik come out.

Nelix - You're coming home missing parts of your ship _again!_ Do we have to make a holographic ship for you?

Tener - Ma'am, before you say what I'm sure you're going to say, I should inform you that we successfully destroyed the ring.

Spot - ... (angry demented look on her face)

Tener - But...

Blavik - We also managed to anger the Romulans some how...

Righteous pops his head out of the hatch.

Righteous - Hi ma'am and sir. Did you miss us?

Spot lunges at Righteous with her claw extended.

Spot - I'LL KILL YOU RIGHTEOUS! THAT WAS _MY_ OFFICE YOU JUST DESTROYED! GOD DAMN IT!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	4. Celestial 24

Star Trek: Celestial # 24: Sore Leave

By Swordtail

Started September 17, 2006

Finished October 30, 2006

Scene 1 - Camera is on the spacedock, which is covered in scaffolding around one section which appears damaged. Off to the left is the USS Celestial, which is fully surrounded by scaffolding to the point where it looks like someone moved a shipyard over next to it...oh wait, they did...OK it's the San Francisco shipyard that the Enterprise uses then. Yeah, just read the last episode and you'll understand.

Righteous - Captain's log, stardate 435868.9. Admiral Spot kinda got pissed when we rammed the Celestial into her office, so she's kicked us all off the ship until it gets repaired. I've given everyone a shore leave because I guess what's what people do in this sort of situation. As for myself, I've decided to pursue a hobby of mine here on Earth: Messing around with things beyond my comprehension.

Camera goes to a jungle somewhere in South America.. Righteous and his guide and a donkey are trumping through the rain forest breaking things with machetes as they go.

Righteous - ...But he never saw it coming. I just pointed off in a direction and said, "Look! A distraction!" and Genocide fired the torpedo, and the rest as they say is history.

Pedro the Guide - Yes, yes, very interesting senior...

Righteous - But of course that paled in comparison to the time we managed to destroy the radioactive mutant zombie no-names from a planet near Cardassia. Did I tell you about that?

Pedro - Only a thousand times.

Righteous - Oh. OK. Did you hear about the time we managed to destroy a Borg Tactical cube all by ourselves?

Pedro - Si, senior...

Righteous - Hey, don't talk in Spanish...It's not my fault I forgot my universal translator at home.

Pedro - ¡Usted moron usted es apenas afortunado la única guía en el planeta que habla Bajoran estaba alrededor de cuando usted tropezó en Brazilia!

Righteous - Exactly! I've _always_ been saying the oceans would be much deeper if they just got rid of those sponges down there.

Pedro - (mutter)...Where is it you said you were going again?

Righteous - The Temple of Chizra.

Pedro - Uh...isn't that a level in Unreal?

Righteous - Yes, well most fiction has a basis in truth doesn't it?

Pedro - Whatever...I'll just keep leading you this way until I've made enough money to get the hell out of here...

Scene 2 - Meanwhile, on the Spacedock, Genocide, Tener, and Bios are having a few drinks in the cafeteria.

Genocide - I'm bored.

Tener - Me too.

Bios - Me 1-1.

Pause...

Bios - That was binary for 3, by the way.

Genocide - Sad when that lame joke is the highlight of our day...

Tener - Isn't there somewhere we can go on vacation?

Genocide - Well there's still a few unexplored planets kicking around the Federation.

Tener - Why would there be unexplored planets within Federation space?

Bios - To give the captains of low-warp ships something to do every now and then.

Genocide - I say we pick one, grab a runabout and go do something fun with this time we have on our hands.

Tener - What happened the last time you guys decided to do something like that?

Genocide - I don't remember, it was never written down.

Bios - I think there's a runabout rental station somewhere on level 73.

Genocide - Our destination?

Bios - How about Urdume II?

Genocide - Good a place as any. Let's go.

Scene 3 - Also around the same time, Greaser, Baque, and Center are sitting in a bar somewhere on the same station...also being bored to death.

Baque - I'm bored.

Greaser - So I read.

Center - We could play 3D chess.

Baque - Ah shut up. That game's for wussies.

Center - Then how come almost every great strategian in history was noted to have played chess at one point or another?

Baque - What part of shut up...

Greaser - Too bad there aren't any killer parties going on around here. You'd think there would be, especially on a semi-civilian space station.

A no-name runs into the bar looking very excited.

NoName #1 - PARTY ON THE SARATOGA TONIGHT!!! FARFETCHED AND SHELBY ARE AWAY!!!! DOUBLE YOU OH TO THE OOT, BIOTCHES!

Cheers go up everywhere.

Baque - Now, I believe we have something to do tonight, right?

Greaser - Do I bring the Romulan ale this time or do you?

Scene 4 - Commander Senseless is sitting in his office on the Celestial filling out reports as no-names are milling around fixing stuff..

NoName #2 - God damn it, how does this ship even survive a two degree turn at one quarter impulse? It's a miracle it can withstand the forces exerted by it's own artificial gravity!

Senseless (without looking up) - It gets the job done.

NoName #2 - Barely, if what I've read in the reports is accurate.

Senseless looks up at him and lays down the PADD he was tapping on.

Senseless - Do you have a point?

NoName #2 - Actually I do, sir.

Senseless - Well let's hear it.

NoName #2 - When was the last time your chief engineer checked for fractures in the ship's hull? Hmmm?

Senseless - She does it all the time. I've seen the reports, the _micro_-fractures are still well within safety parameters.

NoName #2 - And what about the deforming of the ship's structural ribbing and endo-skeleton?

Senseless - It's a warship, it can take it.

NoName #2 - I have a list of over a hundred different faults in the Celestial's systems and mechanics. Now, all of them are within safety parameters, but if you add them all up...

Senseless - I'll get back to my first question, which is do you have a point?

NoName #2 - Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to deem this ship non-spaceworthy and condemn it to be decommissioned.

He pulls out a big yellow sticker that says "CONDEMNED" on it and slaps it on the wall.

Senseless - Ah, crap. Did you have to stick that in _my_ office?

NoName #2 - This is Captain Righteous' office.

Senseless - Oh right. Well he never does any work in it so I kinda forget it's his.

Opening...why do I bother?

Scene 5 - A luxury suite onboard a luxury starship moving through luxury space to some luxury planet where a Medical conference about poverty in the Federation is behind held. Doctor Puker and Ensign Blavik are sitting at a table eating cheesies and watching television. Other, less important people can be seen milling around in the background.

Puker - So let me get this straight...You're only 31?

Blavik - Don't sound so surprised, it's in my file.

Puker - I can't be expected to read the profiles of everyone on my medical staff!

Blavik - Of course not. So, back on topic, you now know why I can't piolet a shuttlecraft.

Puker - Why?

Blavik - For the reason that at some point in history someone decided that when applying age laws to Vulcans who lived twice as long as humans they would just multiply every age limit by 2. Hence, I cannot apply for my piolets license until I turn 32.

Puker - Let me get this straight...You can preform open heart surgery on people, but you're not allowed to fly a shuttle? What the hell is wrong with the Federation?

Blavik - It's illogical?

Puker - Oh well.

He picks up the remote and begins to flick through the 20,540,904 channels available to watch on the relatively new hyperspace satellite networks (Which basically means that every show that was ever produced is being shown probably twice at the same time, every hour, every day).

Puker - Remind me how I got drafted into going to this conference again?

Blavik - You agreed to give a short lecture on the zombies and how you believed that poverty led to them being easily infected by the retrovirus.

Puker - Right...ooh they get the cardiology channel!

Click!

Blavik - Stop! Isn't this that show about that guy who showed up once on our ship?

TV - Logic Man, Logic Man!

Does whatever a Vulcan can!

Wears a corny logical disguise!

Fights illogic, before your eyes!

Look out, here comes the logic man!

Is he smart? Listen up

He's got standard green Vulcan blood

The IDIC's mightier that the sword

Logic is, it's own reward!

Look out, here comes the Logic Man!

In the deadness of space!

Through the currents of time!

He will move place to place!

Who cares if this rhymes?

The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few

And that's the philosophy he'll stick too

Nothing will stop him from his mission,

Except an illegal gas emission.

Look out, here comes the Logic Man!

Here comes the logic man!

Here comes the logic maaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!

CLICK!!!! Puker turns the TV off.

Puker - I've had enough of that guy. Ooh so he has tapped into some kind of psychokinetic powers that have lain dormant in Vulcans for millennium, yippie doo. These days, you do anything that people take notice of at all and it lands you a reality television show!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks! The alert klaxons go off and the ship starts rocking back and forth throwing everyone around like rag-dolls. Puker and Blavik stay sitting and continue eating their junk food. A stumbling no-name bumps into them.

NoName #3 - HOW CAN YOU STAY SEATED AT A TIME LIKE THIS!?! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!

Puker - Where we come from this is a daily occurrence. You get used to it.

Camera goes out into space and watches as a Klingon bird of pray attacks the defenceless civilian transport. Suddenly, it stops firing and comes along side the crippled ship. Camera goes to the lounge where Puker and Blavik are still eating cheesies.

Bzzzzzzt! A bunch of Klingon warriors beam aboard and start slicing and dicing everything in sight. Puker and Blavik remain eating cheesies.

Puker - Well...I must admit this isn't as boring as I thought it would be.

Blavik - Likewise.

Klingon #1 - PATAK!

Puker - Hey! Watch your language!

Klingon #1 - You have spirit! You will make fine slaves!

The klingon grabs Puker and Blavik by the hair and yells into his communicator.

Klingon #1 - Mook ta en tuk tah!

Puker - You have no idea what you just said, do you?

Klingon #1 - Nah, it's just our transporter password for today.

Bzzzzzt! The trio are beamed away and the Klingon ship resumes firing at the transport.

Scene 6 - Back in Brazil, Righteous and his guide have stumbled across the ruins of an old temple...perhaps ruins is too strong a word...

Pedro - Here we are. Can we go now?

Righteous stares down at the single brick in the middle of the jungle which is apparently the sole remaining piece of an ancient temple.

Righteous - Excellent, we've found it. Just as the Prophets said we would.

Pedro - Right...can we go now?

Righteous - No we have to find a way in.

Pedro - Oh course, how silly of me.

Righteous - Exactly. Now, you start digging and I'll pray for guidance.

The guide pulls out a shovel and mumbles to himself as he starts digging into the dirt near the brick.

Scene 7 - A runabout zooms through space. Onboard, Tener, Genocide, and Bios are still bored.

Bios - Computer, let's play a game. I'll break something, and you reroute power or something like that in order to keep us all alive.

Computer - I have a better game: I vent the atmosphere, and you see how long you can live.

Tener - Sheesh whoever decided computers needed to have more personality sure wasn't jerking around.

Beep beep beep, beep beep bepp, beep beep beep!

Genocide - Ooh we're approaching the planet.

Bios - I'm taking us out of warp.

Tener - Kind of a given, don't you think?

Bios - Yeah I know but the damn Starfleet manual says we have to do that for the logs or something.

Genocide (setting up a beam-down plan for the ship to follow) - See, that's one thing I've never understood. Those logs are only so if the runabout or shuttle or whatever explodes they can use the cockpit voice recorder to figure out what went wrong. But generally when ships explode they blow up real good and nothing survives, not even the black boxes, so why do we bother?

Bios - ...It also tells the audience what we're doing because A) in a textual medium they can't see what we're doing and B) even if it wasn't textual no one can read these damn consoles anyway.

Genocide - Right. Ok, I'm picking up strange suspicious energy reading on a small continent in the equatorial region. Sounds like a good place to go exploring.

Bios - Yay. You guys ready?

As Bios holsters her hand phaser and tricorder, she turns around and sees Tener with a phaser compression rifle and Genocide with a micro-torpedo launcher.

Genocide - What?

Bios - I'd normally say something about wanting to make a peaceful first contact, but I do watch TV. Let's go.

They step onto the transporter and are beamed away.

Scene 8 - Saratoga's Ten Forward. A Klingon DJ is jumping around by his equipment to the tune of some electronica/gothic/opera mix that is sending any Vulcan or Ferengi or any other species with good hearing into cardiac arrest. Baque, Greaser, and Center enter wearing civilian clothes. The room is packed full or nameless extras all attempting to dance. The lights are off and holographic strobe lights, disco balls, and other such party items are strung around the room, giving seizures to anyone prone to them. The three Celestial officers walk up to the bar.

Bartender - Wadda'l it be?

Baque - Martini, shaken, not stirred. (Turning to others) Saw that in a movie once.

Bartender - Here you go. You?

Center - Uh, I'll just have a soda...(looks at others) Shaken, not stirred.

Bartender - You don't shake a soda, moron.

Center - Fine, I'll take my custom elsewhere! I bet JC Denton never had this kind of trouble...

Center leaves the bar and goes off to find some people who will tolerate him due to drunkenness.

Bartender - You?

Greaser - Hydrochloric acid, Point five molarity, and some Sodium Hydroxide to wash it down.

Bartender - Oh, sorry, we're all out of that kind of thing and the replicators are on the fritz. Something else?

Greaser - Well, ok then. Give me the strongest stuff you have.

The bartender looks around to make sure no one is watching him then pulls out a bottle of Romulan Ale and a bottle of Klingon Blood Wine. He mixes them half and half in a glass and hands it to Greaser.

Greaser - Excellent.

She downs it all in one drink.

Greaser - Very good. I'll have ten more.

Baque - Uh, aren't you forgetting that taking in that much alcohol is humanoidaly impossible?

Greaser - You once again forget what profession I'm in...

Scene 9 - Puker and Blavik wake up in a standard issue Klingon prison cell. Puker gets up and goes to the forcefield. He spies two guards outside and yells at them.

Puker - Hey! I need to speak to whomever is running this ship!

The two guards look down the corridor as footstep sounds approach. An important looking and butt-ugly Klingon comes to stand in front of the forcefield.

Puker - Well I hope you're all happy.

Klingon Captain - I don't understand.

Blavik - By destroying that ship and taking us prisoner, you've committed an act of war against the United Federation of Planets, which, by the way, is far better off than the Klingon Empire is at the moment.

Klingon Captain - Oh...Uh...here's the thing: We're actually from the year 2250 and we were thrown into the future and we hate you imperialistic Federation scumbags and will do whatever it takes to destroy you all.

Puker - OK, I hate to nitpick, but for one, this is a B'rel class Bird of Prey which didn't come into service until around the 2280's, and two, the Klingon's at that time didn't have forehead ridges.

Klingon Captain - Well...so was your mother!

Puker - I enjoy being alive as much as the next member of Righteous' crew, but why didn't you kill us?

Klingon Captain - Simple. We need your expertise.

Puker (muttering) - Well there's a first...

Klingon Captain (dropping forcefield) - Come with me.

The Klingon leads the two medics to the ship's infirmary. On a bed is a Klingon warrior with a paper cut.

Klingon Patient - I had a boo-boo.

Puker - Dermal regenerator.

As Puker treats the sniffling warrior's minor paper cut, Blavik looks around the room and spies various consoles with virus schematics on them.

Blavik - Ooh SARS! Hey doc, remember that time we were on a planet and were running around for like, forever looking for this cure to a virus which turned out to be SARS?

Puker - No, I don't, and neither do you. It never happened? OK? _It never happened!_

Klingon Captain - So I see you can use a dermal regenerator. Now, can you create a biological weapon capable of destroying the inhabitants of an entire solar system regardless of their species while leaving Klingons untouched?

Puker - Oh yeah I do it all the time.

Klingon Captain - Excellent! Soon I will have a weapon of unlimited power!

Puker - You're not related to the Duras Sisters, are you?

Klingon Captain - Second cousins, twice removed. Why do you ask?

Puker - Just a thought.

Klingon Captain - Now get to work.

Puker - And if I don't want to?

Klingon Captain - Then I shall rip out your heart and make _her_ eat it!

Blavik - Some threat.

Klingon Captain - WITH YOUR HANDS!!!!

Blavik - GASP! You know Vulcans refuse to touch food with their hands on the grounds of religion and hearsay and stuff like that, all of which is completely logical and time tested!

Klingon Captain - Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha! GET TO WORK!! Guard whom we haven't seen yet, watch them. I'll be on the bridge counting stars.

The Klingon leaves and Puker and Blavik shrug and get to work making stuff.

Scene 10 - Genocide, Tener, and Bios have also been captured and locked in a cell.

Genocide - Wow. That sure was fast. The only way they could have gotten us quicker was if they'd rerouted the transporter beam to put us directly into the cell instead of just outside it.

Melodramatic Voice - **SILENCE! OR I WILL KILL YOU ALL!**

Genocide - Sheesh don't get pushy...

Melodramatic Voice - **YOU ARE HERE FOR MY AMUSEMENT!**

Bios - That's funny I thought we existed solely for amusement...

Tener - What?

Bios - Oh, I was just philosophising about the meaning of our lives...

Voice - **I SAID BE QUIET! MY GOD YOU PEOPLE DO NOTHING BUT TALK, YOU KNOW THAT?**

Genocide - Yeah, Commander Senseless says that too sometimes.

Voice - **I HAVE BEEN HERE FOR MANY THOUSANDS OF YEARS AND THE CABLE RECEPTION OUT HERE SIMPLY _SUCKS!_ THEREFORE, I HAVE CAPTURED YOU TO AMUSE ME...**

Tener - Wait for it...I know this, it's the same every time...

Voice - **IN A FIGHT TO THE DEATH WITH MY MINIONS OF EVIL!**

Genocide - ALRIGHT! FIGHT TO THE DEATH! YEAH!

Tener - Heh, heh, heh, I so called that one

Bios - Is now a good time to point out I failed basic combat training?

Voice - **LET THE TOURNAMENT BEGIN!**

Bzzzzzzzzzt! The trio are beamed away and materialize in a large arena of some sort. Each gets a weapon. Bios is given a sledgehammer, Tener is given a mace on a chain, and Genocide is given a butter knife.

Genocide - Oh they're going to regret giving me this...

BZAT! Three dumb looking but obviously evil aliens are transported to the other side of the arena. Each has a sword. Genocide, however, is not impressed.

Genocide - Ah come on! At least make this _sort_ _of _hard! Give them phasers or something like that!

Voice - **SILENCE! YOUR INCESSANT TALKING IS ANNOYING ME!**

Tener - Do you have a name of do we just keep calling you Melodramatic Voice?

Voice - **TO KNOW MY NAME IS TO KNOW DEATH!**

Bios - Your name is the same name Death uses? You know we went to Hell once and I really wasn't that impressed. However, with a few tweaks, we could make it a little more comfortable...

Voice - **BEGIN!**

Genocide and Tener approach their opponents, weapons swinging or moving wildly. Bios, however, simply drops her sledgehammer and starts running away from her opponent, around and around the arena. Genocide looks to be having the time of his life. He easily disarms his opponent, and by disarm I mean that literally he cut the guy's arms off with his butter knife.

Genocide - I've seen loaves of bread that were harder to cut than these guys! Mr. Voice, you insult me!

Tener ends up using a more Starfleet approach by quickly removing his opponent's weapon and pinning him to the ground. Bios, by some stroke of luck, is in better shape than her opponent, who quickly finds himself out of breath and then collapses. Genocide, having more common sense, kills Tener's pinned opponent before something bad happens.

Voice - **IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO TRAIN THOSE GUYS! SO BE IT! NOW YOU WILL BE RUNNING FOR YOUR LIVES AS YOU ARE HUNTED BY THE MOST FEARSOME OF ALL CREATURES!**

BZAT! The four teletubbies are transported into the arena. A door opens on the side that the Celestial crew members are on.

Genocide - RUN AWAY!!!

The three take off running as fast as their legs will carry them off into the jungle of the strange planet.

Tener - Don't (huff) look into (huff) their stomaches (huff) or you'll be forced to watch (huff) videos of little annoying brats (huff) again and again! (huff)!

Genocide turns around and sees the four monsters running after them, arms outstretched.

Teletubbies - HUGGGGGGG!!!

Genocide - FK!

He throws his butter knife at the four teletubbies and puts it through Lala's throat.

Genocide - ONE DOWN THREE TO GO!

The jungle starts becoming thicker and they start having trouble making it through the underbrush.

Bios - My people are not designed for this kind of thing! GAH!

She trips on a root and goes face first into a tree. Genocide and Tener pick her up and they keep moving, but they lose precious seconds and the teletubbies get even closer. Tener throws his mace on a chain back at them and it wraps around Po's neck, suffocating him slowly and painfully.

Genocide - Just...a...little...further...and we'll be home free!!!

Bios trips on another root and hits her head on a rock, knocking herself out.

Tener - Ah DAMN IT!

Genocide - Do I be a hero, or do I be smart? DAMN IT! I'm probably going to regret this someday!

He stops running and picks up a large stick. He runs back to where the remaining two teletubbies are gathered around Bios and starts beating the stuffing out of them.

Tinky Winky - AH-OH! GAK!

Genocide - DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE MOTHER FERS!

After he is done, there is nothing left of the two teletubbies but a lot of blood and some purple and green fur. Then Bios wakes up, sees the carnage around her, screams and jumps to her feet.

Bios - I take it everything is under control, sir?

Genocide - I believe so. Hey, where's James?

Tener - Up here.

They look up and see Tener has climbed a tree.

Tener - Hey, I don't get paid enough for this sht!

Voice - **I THANK YOU FOR GETTING RID OF THOSE THINGS! I SHALL NOW LET YOU LIVE...BUT YOU'RE STILL STAYING HERE! BACK TO YOUR CELL NOW!**

Bzzzzzzzzt! The officers are beamed away...sort of. They materialize a metre from where they were.

Voice - **DARN IT, STUPID THINK WAS STILL UNDER WARRANTY! HANG ON A FEW MINUTES...DON'T GO ANYWHERE! YOU HERE ME!?!**

Bios, Genocide, and Tener shoot a quick look at each other and then continue running in the same direction they were going.

Scene 11 - Commander Senseless storms into Admiral Spot's office.

Senseless - I want to know why my ship has been condemned when it works perfectly fine! Can't they just weld shut those micro-fractures and stuff? I mean, the ship's not even a year old and its being dismantled while ships over 20 years old are still in service! WHAT KIND OF FEDERATION IS THIS!?!

Admiral Spot - Commander, it's the middle of May. That means it's well into spring in the northern hemisphere on Earth. There are a thousand unsuspecting baby robins and other such cat snacks out there I could be hunting down and killing but I'm stuck in here filling in reports. I want your ship to remain in service as much as you do, because its far more paperwork to dismantle it right now! But there's nothing I can do!

Senseless - Can't you just order the repair crew to fix the ship rather than decommission it?

Spot - Well...I hadn't thought of that...thank you Commander, consider it done.

Spot presses a button on her laptop computer.

Spot - Admiral Spot to repair crew, I hereby order you to weld shut the micro-fractures and whatnot and fix the Celestial.

NoName #2 - Yes ma'am.

Spot - Excellent. Now if you'll excuse me, I have important things to take care of. Computer, transport me to somewhere in Alberta or Saskatchewan, wherever has the greatest population of birds right now.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!

Scene 12 - After digging for hours, Righteous and his annoyed guide have somehow find a buried temple. The walls are made of gold and gems adorn everything. Righteous is having a field day.

Righteous - I told you I told you I was right you were wrong I told you I told you!

Pedro - Si senior, and I am glad to be wrong! YIPPEE!!

Pedro runs around picking up pieces of gold and silver and stuff like that and shoving it into his pockets.

Righteous - Uh...what are you doing?

Pedro - Yes I know the mighty Federation doesn't use currency but come on! Gold is just cool!

Righteous - True, true. However, I've lost interest so let's go home.

Pedro - What!!?

Righteous - I just wanted to find a temple. We found one, I said "I told you so" and you got some souvenirs. Let's go home.

Righteous starts climbing out of the hole. Pedro pulls out a weapon and aims it at him.

Pedro - Not so fast! I've have to put up with your incompetence for long enough! You're going to help me cart as much of this stuff out as we can, then you're going to tell the Federation Archeological Council (it's canon, I actually looked it up) that _I_ was the one who found this location so I can get fame and glory! Now move!

Righteous - Hey, don't point that at me! I was the one who found this place. You can have and do whatever you want with it, it's your planet. But leave me out of it. I just like messing with stuff beyond my comprehension.

Pedro - What?

Righteous - Hey, I may be a simpleton, but at least I know it...most of the time. Bye!

Pedro - STOP CLIMBING!

Righteous - Ask the Prophets if I care!

Pedro, finally pissed off, fires his weapon. Instead of hitting Righteous in a full beam, it refracts in the air, spreading out and harmlessly hits everything in the room. Due to some ancient and completely pointless alien artifact that the human civilization who had built the temple stereotypically worshipped because they thought it was supernatural in origin, the beam energizes some kind of subspace transporter system and Righteous and Pedro are beamed away in a flash of blue light.

Scene 13 - On the planet Genocide, Tener, and Bios are currently stranded on, the trio are still making their way further and further away from the house of horrors. Suddenly, they stumble on the ruins of an ancient temple.

Genocide - This looks promising. Excellent place to recover and plan our retaliation strike from.

Bios's pants start beeping.

Tener - What the hell?

Bios - Oh, my tricorder. I almost forgot I put it in my pocket!

Tener - OK but that doesn't surprise me. Why is it beeping like that?

Bios - I had it configured to scan for power signatures.

Genocide - Then why didn't it go off while we were in that building back there. I saw plenty of power signatures?

Bios - Uh...dampening field maybe? Makes sense doesn't it?

Tener - I smell an attempt by the author to make up for implanting a plot device and not bothering to go back and work it in properly, but you're right it actually does make sense this time. So what's it say?

Bios - A standard cold fusion based power generator...wait a minute...I'm picking up what appears to be a pattern buffer! I think it's a transporter of some kind! We're saved! Hang on, power is flowing into the pattern buffers...I think the transporter is about to be acti–

BZZZZZZZZZZT! Out of a blue flash Righteous and Pedro materialize. Righteous, having been in mid climb before being dematerialized, falls to the ground. Pedro looks around a second, then falls flat on his face, dead as a doornail.

Righteous - Oh hi guys!

Genocide - We're doomed.

Tener - Huh? How did this guy die?

Genocide - He was a No-Name civilian, go figure.

Righteous - He had just fired a weapon prior to our being sent here and the computer that ran the thing probably figured he was hostile and killed him. Hey, where is here anyway?

Bios - I honestly don't remember anymore.

Tener - Urdume II.

Bios - Right. That one.

Righteous - Never heard of it.

Genocide - Well you're not missing much. Basically this all powerful energy being locked onto our transporter beam as we were beaming down and took us captive, forced us to fight his evil henchmen of doom, then sicked the telletubbies on us, and is probably still chasing us with something.

Righteous - All powerful energy being? Who the fire caves came up with that?

Genocide - Gene Roddenbery in about ten different episodes of The Original Series.

Righteous - So...Um...How do we get home?

Tener - Well there's a transporter leading directly to Earth here isn't there?

Bios - Yeah. Everyone crowd around I think I've figured out how to activate it.

The four get in a group in the middle of the ruins as Bios hits some buttons on her tricorder.

Genocide - This resolution sucks.

Tener - Undoubtably.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!!!

Scene 14 - In the Klingon laboratory, Puker and Blavik are leaning against a console with their arms behind their backs. Puker has managed to get a hypodermic needle filled with a sedative or something worse out of sight of the guard and Blavik has done the same with a scalpel (laugh, do you? Have you_ seen_ Klingon scalpels?) The Klingon Captain walks in. Puker and Blavik tense up.

Klingon Captain - Report!

Puker - Screw you. It can't be done. Every simulation we run shows the virus mutating to also affect Klingons. Simply too many species share too much genetic material with Klingons. Find someone else to harass.

Klingon Captain - You can not complete the bio-weapon?

Puker - Yeah, that's right.

Klingon Captain - Oh. Well it was worth a try. Alright we're passing Starbase 403 in a few minutes, you'll be beamed aboard.

Puker - Uh...you're just letting us go? After we saw you destroy an innocent civilian transport and know of you plans to create a bio-weapon?

Klingon Captain - Yeah but don't worry, we will kill ourselves before it makes it through the courts.

The Klingon Captain and the guard leave.

Blavik - _That _was anticlimactic!

Scene 15 - The USS Saratoga's Ten Forward. The party is still going on and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight. Some rap is playing on the speakers and no one seems to be dancing to it (because you can't...). All of a sudden, the doors open and Captain Farfetched, Commander Shelby, Commander Senseless, and Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix walk in. Everyone stops what they're doing. Farfetched yells

Farfetched - SHUT THAT CRAP OFF!!!

The music stops.

Farfetched - That's better. Computer, switch to a non-rap track and play.

A far superior non-rap song begins playing and the high ranking officers walk over to the bar. Everyone in the room shrugs and just goes back to enjoying themselves.

Farfetched - I always tell them they can have parties as long as I don't know about it. Well, after THAT conference, I intend to get so hammered I won't know about it!

Shelby - Amen to that, sir.

Senseless - I can't believe you let your crew do this, on your ship?

Greaser and a very shocked looking Baque walk over.

Senseless - Well I'm not surprised to see you two here.

Baque - Commander...Admirals...Captain...Commander...

Senseless turns to Greaser - Is he drunk?

Baque (Pointing at Greaser) - She...she...she...

Nelix - Spit it out Lieutenant!

Baque - She...drank...47...of the strongest alcoholic beverages I've ever heard of and she's still standing!

Spot - Lieutenant-Commander what do you have to say for yourself?

Greaser (demurely) - I'm an engineer.

Nelix - And that just explains everything doesn't it? Bartender! Spike the milk!

Spot - And use something strong this time!

Senseless - Well I've got some work to get back to...

Nelix - Sit down Commander!

Baque - Yeah, chug a lug, Jack!

Commander - No I'm supposed to be on duty I'd better not–

Spot - SENSELESS! YOU WERE ASKED TO CHUG A LUG, AND A LUG YOU SHALL CHUG!

Senseless - Yes ma'am!

Senseless chugs a beer as the camera pans over to the door. It opens and Righteous, Genocide, Tener, and Bios walk in.

Tener - How come we never have parties like this on our ship?

Genocide - Because the ship can't take the bass without having a hull breach form...

Bios - Hey everyone else is here.

Righteous - Except for those medical people...um...right, Vaughan and Blavik.

The four go over to join the rest of the non-no-names crowded around the bar.

Righteous - Hey guys! Oh wait, where's Center?

Greaser - Face down in a pool of vomit, I guess...

Righteous - So best not to worry about it then. OK. How is everybody?

All - YAY!

Righteous - Yay! Let's get some more drinks going here. Pour me some Kava juice!

Bios - Heard from Puker or Blavik yet anyone?

Nelix - Oh yeah I almost forgot. They called a few minutes before I came here. Something about Klingons and bio-weapons, but my best guess it they're both crazy. They're on their way here and will be here tomorrow sometime.

Genocide - Then I'll say it: All's well that ends well. All things considered, we didn't have too bad of a shore leave, and I even got some exercise out of it. No loss at all, which is a first I believe!

Spot - So where's that runabout your borrowed?

Genocide - GOD DAMN IT!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	5. Celestial 25

Star Trek: Celestial #25: The Sky Is Falling, You Idiots

By Swordtail

Started November 2, 2006

Finished December 5, 2006 (while I should be studying for exams...)

Wow I can't believe I've been writing this junk for almost three years now...and to think the original few were actually written out on looseleaf...oh the fun.

Scene 1 - As has been done for 40 years in almost every episode of Star Trek, the episode starts with a shot of the ship in space, this time moving at apparently high warp.

Righteous (voiceover) - Captain's log, stardate 435884.9. First of all, I'd like to inform the audience that the stardates are NOT the same as those used in the other series of Star Trek. Those actually made no sense and keep changing all the time. These stardates are set up with each earth year being approximately 1000 stardates with stardate 0 being on July 2 1946 at 12 noon. Don't ask me why. Anyway, back to the episode. The USS Celestial is enroute to a planet in the Iota Dysalon system, which holds a primitive civilization which up until recently didn't even possess electricity. Anyway, a Starfleet observational buoy located in orbit of the planet's sun detected a high frequency something or other and apparently we were the only ship in the area that wasn't doing anything important so here we are. That's all I can remember. End log.

Camera goes to the Celestial's briefing room. All the senior staff are present.

Senseless - How many times did Admiral Nelix explain it to you, sir?

Righteous - Four. Why?

Senseless - Bios, Center, take it from here.

Lieuteuant Bios and Ensign Center get out of their chairs and go to stand in front of the large display monitor in the front of the room.

Bios - A few hours ago, the monitoring buoy orbiting Iota Dysalon detected a short wave high frequency electromagnetic signal coming from the location of the fifth planet in that system.

Center - The buoy was of course set up to receive such signals in the hopes that it may detect when the society on that planet had achieved industrialization. This signal came long before we expected it to.

Bios - The buoy relayed it via subspace to Starbase 85, which decoded it.

Center - It's a distress call. Someone on the planet is making a general call for help.

Senseless - I thought these people didn't know about alien life?

Bios - They don't. The message, being transmitted by some guy, goes as follows:

She taps a button on the monitor. A crackly voice starts talking.

Voice - Please. I am Doctor Vraian of the Suphoria Institute of Astronomy. If anyone out there can hear me, please, you must help us. Our world is in grave danger! I don't know if you can hear me, or even if you can understand our language, or even if you will receive this message in time, or if the Flyers will win the Stanley Cup this year, but if you do get this, please, help us!

Beep!

Baque - That was corny.

Righteous - Well seems like a plea for help to me.

Genocide - What about that Prime Directive thing we have? Doesn't it say we can't interfere with this planet's natural development?

Senseless - It does. And it may be that we can do nothing. However, these people somehow achieved radio technology without our knowledge and that could indicate and outside influence. We have to investigate.

Greaser - Alright...but I have a feeling we'll regret this...again.

Tener - So how long until we get there?

Baque - A few minutes.

Righteous - Then what are we standing around here for? Everyone to your stations!

Puker - Don't we get to say anything here?

Righteous - Nope. You two get back to sickbay.

Everyone leaves the room and goes either to the bridge and takes their stations or to the turbolift.

Baque - We're approaching the planet.

Senseless - Slow to impulse.

The ship drops out of warp and immediately lurches violently to the left.

Righteous - Prophets damn it!

Senseless - Report!

Baque - Engines aren't responding!

Senseless - Bridge to engineering, what's happening?

Greaser - I don't know, everything shows the impulse engines are working fine!

The blue-green planet comes up on the viewscreen and starts getting bigger really fast.

Senseless - Get us out of here, warp speed!

Baque - I can't! We're caught in some kind of gravity well! The sensors can't make heads or tails of it!

Bios - It looks like we're being pulled in two different directions at once. The antigravity thrusters can't keep up!

Baque - We're going down, guys!

Senseless - Genocide, shields to maximum!

Genocide - Won't help it we hit the ground at this speed!

Baque - I'm putting every ounce of power we have into the impulse engines, but I can't stop our decent!

Center - We're at 300,000 metres and dropping like a rock!

Baque - F! I hate this ship! How many fing times have we ended up heading for a planet with exponential increments of acceleration?

Senseless - Try to make us a soft landing!

Bios - There's a large lake nearby. We might be able to land there!

Baque - Better than this mountain we're heading for. Adjusting course.

Camera watches as the Celestial, engines red hot, barely misses a mountain and plows through the air towards a large lake.

Senseless - All hands, brace for impact.

Camera goes and watches as the Celestial skims across the water and slowly comes to a stop, floats for a minute, then starts to sink, they stops sinking and rolls on one side. Camera goes back to the bridge. Everyone picks themselves up off the floor.

Baque - Mission control, the Eagle has landed.

Genocide - Felt more like a crash to me...

Senseless - Damage report?

Center - Minimal damage to the shields, however the engines have overheated and need some repairs. Looks like we're stuck here for a while.

Righteous - At least we're alive...

Senseless - For now. Someone see if you can get the landing struts down and get us level. How submerged are we?

Bios - Everything beneath deck 13 is underwater.

Baque - Which basically means we're completely visible to anyone who happens to be around for thirty kilometres.

Righteous - What the heck caused us to crash?

Genocide - Toc's poor piloting job.

Baque - Watch it, buddy. I've deactivated the inertial dampeners for less...

Senseless - We'll worry about that later. Right now we need to find a way to get out of here. Center, you, Baque and Greaser get to work on fixing the engines. Bios, Captain, please join me in astrometrics.

Opening credits...yadda, yadda, la la la that's enough of that.

Scene 2 - Astrometrics lab. Yes, the hardly ever seen astrometrics lab. Righteous, Senseless, and Bios stand around the main console.

Bios - Here's the solar system. Anyone see anything strange?

Righteous - What's that white dot in grid C5?

Bios - A stuck pixel, sir. Anything else?

Senseless - That moon looks to be in an awfully strange location. What's it's orbit?

Bios hits some buttons and a big red line appears showing the orbit of the planet's moon, which is highly oblique and takes it out very far away and brings it very close to the planet at the nearest point.

Senseless - Now that is strange...calculate the gravitational influence of that moon on the place we came out of warp at?

Bios hits some buttons, looks at the results, and turns to the others.

Bios - I think we found our culprit. If my calculations are correct, we should be able to leave safely in a few hours.

Righteous - How often are you calculations correct?

Bios - Uh...That's not the point.

Senseless - Do you detect anything nearby that might impose danger to the planet?

Bios - Nothing.

Senseless - Bugger.

Tener - Tener to Commander Senseless...

Senseless - Senseless here. Go ahead.

Tener - I think you'd better get up to the airlock on deck 13. We're got a visitor...

Righteous - Oh no! And the carpets haven't been cleaned in days! We can't be seen like this! Tener, tell them to come back tomorrow!

Senseless (shaking his head) - Tell them we'll be right there!

Scene 3 - Senseless and Righteous walk down a corridor to the airlock on deck 13. Tener and some security guards are standing around an old guy with a backpack. He is obviously a native of the planet with a dumb looking forehead, which by now is the standard, I guess...

Righteous - Hi! I'm Captain Righteous Lee of the Federation starship Celestial. How can we help you?

Vraian - I am Doctor Vraian. I take it you received my message?

Senseless - Yeah sort of...Um, this is probably a really dumb question but how did you find us, and who else knows we're here?

Vraian - I was tracking the moon when your ship crossed my telescope. Moments later, I heard a loud crash and figured you'd landed, so I packed up my things and came here. I must admit I never imagined a vessel this large could be equipped for landing on a planet...

Senseless - It's a long story...best not to dwell on it.

Tener - Wait, telescope? You people have a telescope?

Vraian - Yes, at my observatory some distance from here.

Righteous - Observatory, eh? And just what, prey tell, do you observe there?

Senseless and Tener look at their moronic captain.

Senseless - Stars, sir. Stars.

Rigtheous - Ah, of course.

Senseless - I'm Commander Jack Senseless. If you have anything even semi-technical I suggest you address me with it.

Vraian - OK. Now, I assume you've fixed the problem and are just dropping by to say hello?

Senseless - What problem?

Vraian - The problem that means certain doom for our planet if left unchecked.

Senseless - Uh...we just got here. Tell us of this problem and we'll see what we can do.

Vraian pulls some sheets of paper out of his backpack and lays them out on the floor.

Vraian - These are schematics of the orbit our moon makes around our world.

Righteous - Yeah most moons don't do that as far as I know.

Vraian - Well, as you can probably imagine, the shear closeness of the moon at its closest approach moves the centre of gravity of our world a great deal.

Righteous - Sounds like fun.

Vraian - It is! Tonnes of fun! We have a big celebration and stuff.

Senseless - So what's the problem? Tides?

Vraian - No, they're manageable. The worst part is that the moon actually skims our outer atmosphere. It's been doing this for billions of years and the friction, albeit small, has been slowing the moon down. Basically it's been getting closer and closer.

Senseless - I don't like where you're going with this.

Vraian - My calculations indicate that sometime soon the moon will actually lose it's orbit and crash into our world, completely destroying us!

Righteous - Ah oh. How long do we have?

Vraian - Well I haven't been able to pinpoint the exact date of impact but–

Bios - COMMANDER!

Bios comes running down the corridor, a PADD in her hand.

Bios - Commander! We are so screwed it's not even funny!

Senseless - Hmmm, I'd say we have our answer. Briefing room everyone!

Senseless, Righteous, Bios, and Vraian leave. Tener and his security force start off behind them.

Tener - I have a feeling this is going to be one of those more serious episodes where nothing interesting happens.

NoName #1 - Maybe not, sir. Who knows? Maybe we'll get some comic relief or something.

Tener - Yeah, right, like comic relief just falls out of the sky on a whim...

Meanwhile, in orbit, the gravitational forces of the moon and the planet are reaping havoc on the point where the Celestial came out of warp. A temporal portal opens for half a second and Binky the Mistreated Targ pops out, floats for a second, then proceeds to fall over 300 kilometres to the planet's surface.

Binky - WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Splash!

He lands in a large lake not too far from the Celestial. Binky struggles out of the water only to find himself surrounded by a bunch of primitive looking natives with spheres.

Native #1 - Anyone hungry?

The natives all raise their spheres and approach Binky.

Binky - Urg...WHEEEEEEE!

Scene 4 - Briefing room. All senior staff and that Vraian guy are present.

Bios - OK long story short the moon will fall out of orbit and kill everyone on the planet during this pass and will do so within 16 hours. We've got that long to either get out of here or find a way to put it in a more stable orbit.

Genocide - I vote for blowing it up.

Baque - I vote for leaving.

Vraian - I vote for the stable orbit option.

Greaser - Quiet you, you're not even supposed to be here.

Senseless - Well he is and he's asking for our help which basically means the Prime Directive doesn't apply. How can we put it back in a stable orbit?

Genocide - Using a very large explosion!

Bios - Uh, actually that's correct.

Genocide - F YEAH!!!!

Bios - If we set up an array of explosions at the right spots and detonate them at the right time, we should be able to put the moon into an orbit that would keep it up there for at least another 3 billion years.

Righteous - But what about after that?

Bios - After that this entire system will have been vaporised by the supernova from a nearby red giant star so it really doesn't matter.

Righteous - Well then. How much explosives do we need?

Bios - Uh...way more than we have. Assuming we used every quantum, photon and tricobalt torpedo we have, it wouldn't make much more than a few minutes worth of more orbit time.

Genocide - Well can't hurt to try can it?

Bios - Let 's not waste our weapons if we don't have to.

Genocide - Touché...

Senseless - Is there any chance another ship can reach us in time?

Bios looks at Senseless like he has two heads.

Senseless - Right, this is Star Trek: Of course not.

Genocide - Well the option is clear. We just get the natives to give us every gram of explosive they have and we hope it's enough.

Vraian - Yeah...about that...

Genocide - Wait, wait, don't tell me: You're too primitive to have weapons.

Vraian - Well no, I mean, we used to have nuclear warheads that could pack quite a punch, but our society decided that weapons of mass destruction were unethical so we got rid of them all a few decades ago. Nowadays, we only use weapons for hunting, fishing, and making blockbuster Hollywood movies.

Puker - Just a hunch, but how long have you people known about this whole moon-crashing-into-planet thing?

Vraian - Since the dawn of time.

Genocide - And you did nothing about it...why?

Vraian - Well some groups claimed that we should keep some nukes around for just these kinds of emergencies but the majority decided that the risk of a large chunk of rock crashing into our world and destroying everything was too slim to warrant thinking about.

Genocide - So by getting rid of weapons that could _possibly_ be used to kill millions of people, you've doomed billions?

Center - Now wait a minute, Commander. I can see the logic in where they're coming from. Why bother preventing the destruction of one's society by celestial objects if you're just going to blow yourself up?

Genocide - Yes but think about it! The Cold War on earth? How many of those nukes were _actually_ used to kill people? Hmmm? How many?

Puker - Not counting the radiation from the tests...?

Center - Yes but that's only because both sides had them! Mutually assured destruction!

Genocide - Well now it's Stupidly Assured Annihilation! Sounds smart to me!

Blavik - Are you saying these people should have distributed all their WMD's among every nation? Some may not have been able to grasp the concept of a nuclear winter.

Tener - No just give them to the more advanced societies.

Greaser - Now _that's_ fair to everyone isn't it?

Genocide - What's the only thing that keeps the Romulans and the Klingons from killing each other?

Baque - Pfft, nothing?

Genocide - No it's the fact that both know they would utterly destroy each other resulting in no victors. But, if neither had lots of ships, the Dominion would have conquered us years ago.

Righteous - Maybe with the right spiritual guidance a society can coexist with big bombs.

Baque - Yeah, and end up like Bajor which reached a level of contentment millennia ago and then ended up being conquered by the Cardassians who _hadn't_ reached a level of contentment?

Righteous - Hey we turned out alright!

Genocide - So now what do we do? Give this society our weapon technology and hope they can build enough in the next 16 hours?

Center - No that's not a good idea. We need to do this ourselves.

Genocide - F you!

Righteous - Prophetize them!

Baque - HA! Over my dead body!

Senseless - EVERYONE SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

Everyone stops what they're doing and looks at Senseless.

Senseless - We can debate the moral and ethical implications of what this society did later. Right now we have to figure out a way to save this planet. Now, think people! Think!

Righteous - I think–

Senseless - Shut up sir.

Righteous - OK.

Baque - What if we landed on the moon and used our engines to push on it?

Greaser - Too big, wouldn't do any good.

Bios - Maybe a finely tuned deflector beam could lower the mass of the moon enough that we could use Baque's idea.

Greaser - Once again, too big.

Genocide - How about tossing everything we have at it, shoot it with phasers, then throw our warp core at it?

Senseless - There's no guarantee that the warp core's single explosion would do it. Might just blow a big creator in the side of the moon.

Puker - Evacuate the planet as best we can?

Blavik - That would leave billions behind.

Senseless - Damn. Anyone else have any ideas? No matter how farfetched?

Righteous - Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!

Senseless - Fine, what is it sir?

Righteous - Why don't we use the warp field makey thingies and the deflector dish and make a big wormhole in front of the moon and suck it off to some other place?

Everyone in the room stares at Righteous with their mouths hanging open.

Baque - I don't believe it...

Senseless - Uh, Bios, is this possible?

Bios - It would require an enormous amount of power and it would only be open for maybe a few seconds, but yeah I think it might work.

Vraian - Care to let me in on the plan?

Senseless - No, I'd rather not. Puker and Blavik, wipe his memory, pump him full of alcholol, and then beam him somewhere far from here. Greaser, work with Bios and Center to get this weird wormhole thing going and get us back into space.

Vraian - Memory wipe?!?

Senseless - Standard Starfleet policy. Dismissed!

Scene 5 - Binky the Mistreated Targ runs for his life from a bunch of angry hunters. Spears and arrows and bullets and a rubber chicken fly past him as he dodges through trees and across fields. Finally he reaches a small wall. He hops over it and finds himself in a large city, full of people and automobiles. He turns around and sees the hunters fast approaching. Deciding he has nothing to lose, he jumps down into the busy streets and begins running through the traffic. A taxi-like car almost hits him.

Taxi Driver - HEY! J-Walking's illegal for a reason, pal!

Binky - WHEE!!!

Binky continues running. As he crosses an intersection, he hears a loud honk and looks to his left just in time to see a large truck coming at him at about 50 kph. Binky ducks and the truck barely passes over him. After the truck is gone he looks up at it and gets hit square in the back of the head by another taxi. Binky flies forward and hits a streetlight, which falls down on top of him, popping open a manhole cover along the way. Spying a way out of the commotion, Binky hops down the hole only to land in the middle of a subway track. Binky looks down the tracks of the dark tunnel and sees lights heading towards him.

Binky - Urg...

Train - HOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

Binky - WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Binky takes off as fast as his mistreated legs will take him as the train barrels down on him. Just as it is about to squash him, he rounds a corner and is able to hop onto the platform, just missing the train which slows to a stop. Binky takes a breather as the doors open and a few hundred of the planet's natives come rushing out and trample him nearly to death.

Scene 6 - Blavik and Puker stand at the windows in the mess hall, looking out over the hull as the Celestial slowly rises into the sky. Senseless walks up drinking some coffee.

Senseless - You two seem awfully solemn. Normally you're both peachy. What's up?

Puker - I have a bad feeling about what we're about to do.

Senseless - The whole wormhole thing?

Blavik - It was Righteous's idea.

Senseless - True, but our idiotic captain has a knack for pulling good ideas out of his ass sometimes. I guess it's why HQ keeps him around.

Puker - Like that time he decided to split the ship in two in order to please both the Breen and Starfleet Command?

Blavik - Or the time he decided to land on the Golden Gate Bridge with a multimillion metric tonne starship?

Puker - Or the time he decided to go to warp with a ship sticking out of deck 20?

Blavik - Or the time he tried to run for Kai and ended up pissing Greaser off so much she destroyed the ship?

Puker - Or that time he tried to make the ship's phasers reflect off a big mirror and ended up destroying an entire nebula?

Blavik - Or the time he actually took us into an alternate dimension so he could go to hell and please Admiral Nelix?

Puker - Or the time he–

Senseless - Alright, alright, I get the picture. No good can come from this, but what option do we have?

Puker - Give these people warp technology and hope for the best?

Senseless - Um...no. Now, you two get back to sickbay because I have a feeling we'll have casualties...again.

A few minutes later, Senseless steps onto the bridge just as Righteous walks out of his ready room.

Righteous - I told Admiral Spot about our plan! She was so thrilled she was speechless! Hey, what does it mean when a cat's fur stands up and they start whipping their tail around?

Baque - Meh, probably some bad kitty litter again.

Bios - OK we're as ready as we'll ever be.

Senseless - Engineering, you ready down there?

Greaser (over comm) - No.

Senseless - Excellent. Lieutenant, put us in front of that moon.

Bios - I've tied the main computer into the deflector dish and it should create an unstable wormhole. The other end will probably be somewhere at the edge of this system. I sure hope these people don't need their moon...

Genocide - They can have a planet or a moon, their choice. And we don't have time to put it to a vote.

The moon approaches on the viewscreen, it's edge clearly being heated by atmospheric friction.

Center - The moon is losing orbit. Impact in 15 minutes.

Bios - Engaging main deflector.

Camera goes into space where the Celestial's main deflector fires a pointless blue beam at the moon, which opens a large wormhole right in front of it. Camera goes to the bridge where everyone is watching the scene unfold.

Righteous - This is probably the best idea I've ever had.

Beep, beep, beep! Beep, beep, beep!

Bios - Son of a! The wormhole is losing stability far quicker than I expected!

Greaser - Greaser to bridge, we're getting feedback down here along the deflector beam thing!

Senseless - This does not bode well...

FLASH! The wormhole suddenly collapses with only half the moon inside, resulting in a lot of magma and rock spewing about, right at the Celestial.

Senseless - LIEUTENANT!

Camera watches as the ship lurches around and takes off at full impulse just as an asteroid the size of Nova Scotia barrels through its previous location. Camera goes back to the bridge. Everyone is sitting still thinking of the implications of what just happened.

Righteous - That was still the best plan I ever came up with.

Baque - Amen to that...jerk.

Bios - On a lighter note, although we did rain destruction down on their planet and probably screwed their entire moon-dependant ecosystem, we did manage to buy them a few years of orbit by somehow pushing the remains of the moon into a higher orbit but don't ask me how.

Senseless - So they're out of danger?

Bios - For now, but all we've done is bought them some time. The moon will still fall out of orbit eventually.

Righteous - Well, I say we get out of here. Before the USS Litterbox shows up and we have to explain this to Admiral Spot.

On cue, the viewscreen shows the image of a USS Litterbox dropping out of orbit.

Righteous - Well, I didn't see _that_ coming!

The viewscreen fills with Admiral Spot's angry cat head. She looks around the bridge at the crew, then over at some random monitor on the Literbox's bridge, then back at the Celestial bridge.

Spot - Oh Righteous, my dear friend, perhaps you could tell me why there is only half a moon in orbit and a large stream of debris raining down on this helpless planet?

Righteous - Uh, it's all Bios' fault!

Righteous gets up and runs off the bridge.

Spot - See, normally I'd be screaming my head off at you guys, but my vet told me if I keep it up I'm going to have a heart attack so I'll just stay calm.

Senseless - Thank you ma'am. Sorry about screwing this planet over.

Spot - Oh don't worry about it. Now, DRAG YOUR LAZY ASSES TO WHEREVER THAT OTHER HALF OF THE MOON WENT AND PUT THE DAMN THING BACK TOGETHER!!!

Spot ends the transmission by hitting the comm off switch so hard the subspace transceivers on both the Litterbox and the Celestial explode, killing countless unimportant and hardly seen no-names. Camera goes to the Celestial's bridge.

Senseless - Helm, set a course for wherever that moon chunk went!

Righteous walks back onto the bridge and takes his seat.

Righteous - You know, if the moon were made of cheese, you could say we "cut the cheese!" Get it? Cut cheese, kinda like you do when you cut store-bought or replicated cheese? Ha ha ha!

Senseless - Yes sir, we get it.

Righteous - Ah, I crack myself up...

Camera watches as the Celestial zooms away from the planet at full impulse.

Scene 7 - On the planet's surface, Binky the Mistreated Targ is dragging himself out of the subway station onto the street. Everywhere, cars are stopped and people are looking up and screaming, watching the sight of their several billion year old Ganymede-sized moon which is now only half the size. What's more, billions of metric tonnes of lunar ore are spewing from the quickly hardening core of the moon into the planet's atmosphere. As the rocks start glowing from air friction, everyone starts screaming and running (Note to self: Insert Armageddon footage here to save money). Binky, being mistreated and overall unlucky, happens to be in the city which is about to be hit the worst.

Binky - Whee (Translation: I need a new agent).

Binky starts running as the shower of meteors rains destruction upon the city, killing thousands as the huge rocks plow through skyscrapers and plunges through roads. A gravel sized stone whizzes past Binky's tail, just far enough not to tear it off, but close enough for the heat to light it on fire.

Binky - WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

He quickly ducks under a taxi, and lets out a sigh. He then remembers the curse of taxi's in films such as Armageddon, Deep Impact, The Core, The Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla, and practically every other high-box-office-earnings Hollywood movie ever produced involving a city being attacked by something.

Binky - Whee (Translation: I am so fing stupid...)

He runs out just in time as a huge Buick-sized rock vaporizes the taxi and hundreds like it. Through shear luck, Binky manages to avoid being hit by anything else and after a few minutes, the meteor shower stops. Camera pans around to look at the devastated city, skyscrapers knocked down, roads and highways torn up, people dead, etc. You get the picture.

Binky - Whee...sigh...

BOOM! Every remaining taxi just explodes for no reason.

Scene 8 - The camera is on the front of the Celestial, which is being slowly covered by a huge shadow. Camera goes to the bridge, where everyone is crowded around the helm station looking at the viewscreen.

Center - Um...

Puker - Errg

Blavik - Fascinating...

Baque - Grrrreeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaatttttt...

Genocide - Alrighty then.

Bios - Ah damn it.

Camera spins around and looks the viewscreen, which is showing the sun up close and personal, partially being covered by a darkly blackened half moon.

Senseless - Uh, crew, coordinate with the Litterbox on the moving operation. Do what you have to do. I'm going to my quarters.

Righteous - Why?

Senseless - I have a migraine.

Puker - It might be a tumour.

Senseless - IT'S NOT A TUMOUR!

He hits the "slam door for dramatic effect" button on his way into the turbolift.

Scene 9 - Camera watches as the Celestial and the Litterbox somehow move the charred half of the planet's moon into the gravitational field of the non-charred half, where they pull themselves together. The moon, which is now oval shaped because of all the internal mass lost, is black on one side and gray on the other with an obvious line where they were split apart. Camera goes to the Celestial's bridge where everyone is present.

Baque - Well we tried. Time to go home.

Genocide - I say we use the phasers to char the other half so the whole thing is one colour.

Tener - I'm cool with that.

Righteous - See, had we prayed to the Prophets to grant upon us a stable wormhole this wouldn't have happened. I told you guys we should have prayed more, but NOOOOOOOO prayer is stuipd, you said!

Center - I was for it, sir!

Bios - Oh stop sucking up you're not going to get promoted.

Center - ...Oh we'll see about that...someday...I'm younger than most of you...

Puker - We're just lucky we didn't end up doing something that would REALLY screw up these people's natural development.

Blavik - Indeed.

Spot's head appears on the viewscreen.

Spot - OK I'm through drafting up a formal complaint to send to the department in charge of the Prime Directive. I've asked them to remove that part where we have to help if we get asked to. Now, is everyone ready to go?

Righteous - Yes ma'am. Ready as ever.

Spot - I'm still trying my best to stay calm so you guys get off with a warning this time, but if this happens again, it's to the gallows for the whole lot of you. Kapeesh?

Righteous - Aye, aye, ma'am!!!

Spot - Litterbox out.

Righteous - She's in an awfully nice mood today, don't you guys think?

Senseless - Whatever sir. Helm, set a course for–

Righteous - In fact, I think now would be a good time to ask her for that favour I was meaning to ask her for. Ensign Center, reopen a channel.

Spot appears on the screen again.

Spot - Now what the hell do you want?

Righteous - Ma'am, would it be OK if I repainted the ship and declared it a starship of the Bajoran Militia and pledged to destroy any that get in our way?

Spot - Commander Senseless, where does he get these ideas from anyway?

Senseless - I've got a team working on that day and night ma'am.

Spot - Well keep at it. And Lee? NO!

BEEP! Center's console sparks as Spot hits the close channel button on her armrest.

Pause.

Righteous - So, is that a no then?

Senseless - Toc, just get us out of here. Please...before I kill someone.

Genocide - Kill someone anyway. It's fun. Hey, you there!

He yells toward a no-name at the back of the bridge, who screams and tries to run away, but is struck down by a flying phaser power pack.

Genocide - Heh heh heh, the 'ol flying phaser power pack...gets 'em every time...

Camera watches as the Celestial warps away.

Scene 10 - Binky is walking through the streets of the destroyed city. He passes a tv selling store which survived for plot-furthering purposes. A news show is being broadcasted.

Newswoman - Following the destructive meteor shower, government officials have said they will be constructing nuclear weapons for the dual purpose of preventing the moon from falling out of orbit and destroying any alien warships that attempt to kill us agin. Although it is unclear how the moon managed to get itself back together, and how one side changed colour, it is clear that our society has been changed drastically with repercussions that will sound throughout the quadrant...

Binky walks out of earshot, half hoping for a temporal portal to open and take him away from this planet. A guy selling hamburgers walks up to Binky.

Hamburger Guy - Say friend, you look like you don't belong here! Well, don't fear, neither do I. I'm an illegal immigrant from a different nation on this world and thus am forced to lie about my life and sell food on the streets made from quality roadkill I was forced to kill myself. However, I know a business opportunity when I see one. How's about you and I go into show business together? I'm thinking, stand up comedy! Whadaya say?

Binky stares at the man, blinking.

Hamburger Guy - Yeah, I know, I should be all mad because aliens just trashed half our planet, but money don't fall from the sky, ya know? Besides, I figure a guy like me and a...weird, hairy, thing like yourself could make millions on Thinway! Come on!!?! Eh?

Binky continues to look at the man, blinking.

Hamburger Guy - Hey, if that frog could do so well, why not us?

On cue a frog with a cane and a top hat dances by, singing.

Frog - Hello, my baby

Hello, my honey

Hello, my ragtime gal

Send me a kiss by wire

Baby, my hearts on fire!!!!

The frog leaves the scene.

Hamburger Guy - Unfortunately, every time someone tries to partner up with 'em he goes all pissed like and refuses to do anything. Now, about my offer?

Binky - (thinks)

Hamburger Guy - Ey?

Binky - Whee!

Hamburger Guy - That's the spirit! Come on, I know a guy, who knows a guy, who killed a guy, who knows a guy who can get us onto the stage.

Binky and the hamburger guy start to walk away as the camera stays at the food stand. Just as they're about to round a corner, a chunk of concrete the size of a double decker bus falls from a damaged building and lands on them both. Luckily for Binky, just as the rock was bout to crush him to the point of death, a temporal portal opened right beneath him and threw him into another story. The frog dances back into view.

Frog - If you refuse me

Honey, you'll lose me

Then you'll be left alone

Oh baby, telephone

And tell me I'm your own!!!!

Scene circles into black.

Blackness...

Hamburger Guy - Ah...God damn it...

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	6. Celestial 26

Star Trek: Celestial #26 - Because The Book Says So

By Swordtail

Someone tell me why this fanfiction site drops all the 's and 's out of my documents???!!! Damn it!

Started December 8, 2006.

Finished January 22, 2007.

(Oh just be glad I finished it...or don't)

Scene 1 - Camera pans by the Celestial as it orbits a planet, then goes to one of the transporter rooms. Senseless, Baque, Tener, and some nameless extra are standing on the transporter pad looking around, yawning, checking their watches, and twiddling their thumbs, obviously bored.

Senseless - My god he's never been _this_ late before!

Baque - Let's just _go already!!!_

NoName #1 - Sir we should really get going. I'm so excited I think I might faint if I wait any longer!!! Wow! My first away mission! And an important one! Finding out why a village exists while no villagers are being detected is an anthropologist's dream!

Baque whispers to Tener.

Baque - I give him less than an hour.

Tener - Put me down for 1 to 2.

Senseless - Alright we've waited enough. Crewman, energize.

The four dematerialize and the camera goes to the planet, just outside a medieval village of some sort with smoke coming from chimneys and birds flying around. The away team materializes and takes out their tricorders.

Baque - Still no sign of life forms.

Tener - Strange...not even those birds register.

Senseless - Holographic?

Tener - I don't think so...I'm picking up infrared radiation from them...and...uh, hold on, infrared in our vicinity just spiked. I think–

An arrow flies out and hits NoName #1 in the heart.

NoName #1 - AH!!! (dies)

Baque - Yes! I win!

Dozens of armed and angry villagers storm towards them.

Villager #1 - Identify yourselves!

Villager #2 - They do not wear the colours of our kin. They must be enemies! Kill them!

Villager #3 - YEAH!

Senseless - Uh...hold on a second we're just passing through we mean you no harm!

The villagers march toward them holding spears.

Baque - I win I win la la la la la la! Pay up James!

Tener mutters as he tosses a strip of latinum to Baque.

O–no, not even going to say it...

Scene 2 - Camera watches as Righteous runs down the corridor, straightening his uniform as he goes. He runs into Transporter Room 1 and finds it empty.

Righteous - Wow I guess I didn't oversleep after all!

NoName #2 - Actually sir they beamed down about two minutes ago.

Righteous - Oh. Righteous to away team!

Senseless - Sir, be–

Righteous - Real mature guys, this is going on your records! I'm three hours late so you disobey my orders and beam down without out me.

Senseless - SIR BEAM US–

Righteous - Cut the channel. Crewman, beam me down.

Camera goes to outside the village where Commander Senseless, Lieutenant Baque, and Lieutenant Tener have been tied to a post and a fire is being lit around them. The villagers are singing and doing victory dances. All of a sudden, Captain Righteous materializes out of thin air. The villagers stop what they're doing and look at him.

Righteous - Oh hi guys! I'm Lee! Who are you?

Villager #1 - ALL HAIL LEE!!!

All the villagers get down on their knees and bow down before Righteous, who looks more confused than normal. He glances at Senseless.

Righteous - Commander, what are they doing?

Villagers - HAIL!

Senseless - I think they're worshipping you, sir. Speaking of which, can you get us out of here please?

Righteous - Uh, hey guys, would you mind untying my underlings please?

Villager #2 - RELEASE THE HONOURED GUESTS AT ONCE!!!

Fifteen villagers run to the three officers and frantically untie them, then bow down in the direction of Righteous. Senseless walks over to the Captain.

Senseless - They killed our anthropologist, by the way.

Righteous - So no big loss?

Senseless - He was our only anthropologist. They are hard to come by these days. And now I have to preform a funeral. I hate those. For more than one reason.

Rigtheous - Still, no biggie.

He turns around in time to see four villagers carrying a chair coming toward him. They shove Senseless out of the way and pick Righteous up and place him on the chair. Then, singing in some strange language too pointless to translate, they carry Righteous off in the direction of the medieval village.

Righteous - Uh, Commander?

Senseless - Just go with it for now, sir, we'll get you out of there as soon as possible.

The mob moves out of sight. Senseless turns to Baque and Tener.

Senseless - Alright, looks like we've fed up this culture already so now we're going to have to switch to damage control mode. Tener, stay here and protect the Captain, and also try to figure out why they think he's a god.

Tener - Wouldn't that be because they saw him appear out of thin air?

Baque - Most medieval cultures believe such things are related to witchcraft. The fact that we weren't all immediately burned at the stake is a miracle to say the least.

Senseless - Baque and I will head back to the ship and try to figure out why we didn't detect these people from orbit.

Tener - Alright sir, have fun.

Tener takes off at a jog toward the village.

Senseless - Senseless to Celestial, two to beam up.

NoName #2 - Sir, I'm not detecting your biosigns. Where are you?

Senseless - Lock onto our combadges. Energize.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

Scene 3 - Celestial's bridge. Senseless and Baque enter as Bios and Center are staring at a console.

Senseless - Figured it out yet?

Bios - Huh?

Senseless - Have you figured out why we can't detect animal lifesigns on this planet?

Center - Oh, is that what we're supposed to be doing?

Bios - We were watching Wheel of Fortume.

Senseless - Well pause it if you can.

Bios hits some buttons, reads some screens, hits some more buttons, and turns to Senseless.

Bios - Meh it has something to do with radiant electromagnetic interference and stuff that the plants cancel out due to absorbing large amounts of magnesium and niobium through the soil or something. Bob, switch back to Wheel of Fortune.

Senseless - Can you modify the sensors to cut through the interference.

Center - Sorry sir, that plot device only works so often.

Senseless - Right. Senseless to Transporter Room 1, get a lock on the Captain and Lieutenant Tener and beam them back at once.

Camera goes to the transporter room. Tener and a combadge materialize on the platform. NoName #2 looks at the combadge.

NoName #2 - Oh bugger.

Tener - Tener to Commander Senseless, I think the Captain took his combadge off again.

Senseless (over comm) - Damn it we pin it to his uniform and he STILL manages to lose it! I swear, we should implant the damn thing under his skin or something where he won't be able to drop it without severing his arm in the process! Grab Genocide and Blavik and wait for me in the transporter room!

Scene 4 - Righteous is sitting in a fancy looking chair in a large building. Villager #1 walks in leading an ensemble of women.

Villager #1 - Here is an assortment of scantily clad virgins, oh great one.

Righteous - Hm...They clash with the curtains. Give them a years pay and send them home to learn to read and write or whatever it is you people do at home all day normally.

The girls look at each other, shrug, and leave the room. Villager #2 enters.

Villager #2 - The sculptor is here to craft your monument, my lord.

Righteous - Neat. I should pick out a pose...

Villager #3 enters the room.

Villager #3 - My lord, the sacrifice is ready for your observation.

Righteous - Sacrifice?

Righteous runs outside and sees some villagers hoisting another villager up over a pit of flaming spikes.

Villager #1 - Since we killed one of your underlings, we must sacrifice one of ours in return.

Righteous - This isn't necessary, the guy you killed was a nameless extra who nobody knew in the least.

Villager #2 - So's this guy.

Righteous - So no loss then. Ok, proceed if it will make you feel better.

They watch as the terrified villager is dropped into the pit and killed almost instantly. Almost. Just long enough to hurt a lot. Out of the blue, Senseless, Genocide, Tener, and Blavik enter the scene.

Righteous - Ensign, what's with the wig?

Blavik - The ears sir.

Righteous - Ah. And we don't care that these people look more like Rigellians than humans yet we have three among us and they don't care?

Blavik mutters something about not getting memos as she rips the wig off and throws it behind her.

Senseless - Captain, can we have a word?

Righteous - Certainly. Everyone go pray to the Prophets for a few minutes whilst I consult with my underlings.

The officers walk a few metres and stop.

Senseless - Sir, do I have to quote the Prime Directive to you?

Righteous - I told you last week and I'll tell you now, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS!!

Senseless - Starfleet policy forbids us to interfere with a planet's natural development. Now, since we've already contaminated them, the best option would be for you to stand up there and say "Farewell my friends" and then we all beam away, giving them closure. Oh, and Admiral Nelix agrees.

Righteous - Nice to see you too. Now, Lieutenant Commander Genocide, I believe I said you weren't allowed to visit planets after what happened the last time.

Genocide - Last time?

Righteous - Yeah didn't you blow something up or something and I said you couldn't go to planets anymore?

Genocide - ...What?! No! I'm just here because I haven't gotten any screen time in yet this episode!

Senseless - So sir, figured out why the villagers worship you yet instead of burning you for being a witch?

Righteous - Yeah has something to do with th Prophets of course.

Tener - Here we go again...

Righteous - See, the Prophets sent me as this planet's Emissary to them. I'm to lead them out of the darkness and into the light.

Tener - Thank you and good night.

Genocide - Right. Well, let's go.

Righteous - No I'm serious! I'm not making this up this time! I have what you guys call actual evidence!

Senseless - Ensign Blavik?.

Blavik scans Rightous with her tricorder.

Blavik - No intoxication or illegal drugs, well none more than usual, sir.

Righteous - Here, I'll show you.

Righteous leads the group back into the throne room place and picks up a big old book. He opens it and flips to a page.

Righteous - See it says right here in ancient Bajoran that the Emissary to the Prophets will descend from his heavenly chariot in a blaze of light to lead the people out of the darkness and show them the love of the Prophets so that they might be saved from evil.

The other three officers look at the page.

Genocide - Well I'll be damned. I can't read this but I defiantly recognize the writing as ancient Bajoran.

Blavik - How can you read this sir?

Righteous - Duh, Vedek school?

Senseless - Alright I guess we can't leave then. What does it say about other people coming down?

Righteous - Well it makes a pretty decent description of a zebra from Earth along with some mention of 746 followers of the Emissary who live aboard the Celestial chariot.

Tener - I don't believe this...

Righteous - Have a little faith, Lieutenant. Prophets! What's not to like?

Senseless - Can the villagers read this?

Righteous - Not anymore, they now speak a more modern dialect of Bajoran. I'm sure because they're the first species I've run into whose mouths move in time with the words I hear them saying. Cool, eh? I wonder why none of the other Star Trek series ever explored that plot hole?

Senseless - Blavik, discreetly scan some of the villagers and see if there's a relationship between them and the Bajorans we know of. They certainly don't look the same but there could be a genetic similarity. Get Doctor Puker down here to help you. Tener, get Bios down here and have her run this book through the computer, then see what you can learn about what this "Emissary" is supposed to do to "lead" these people. Genocide, do your best not to destroy anything while you're down here. I'm going back to the ship to contact Admiral Nelix and let him know what we've discovered. Everyone got that?

Righteous - What about me?

Senseless - Sit tight and don't do anything stupid.

Righteous - Um...

Senseless - Fine just sit tight then.

Scene 5 - Senseless is talking with Admiral Nelix in the ready room. Nelix is rubbing his forehead with his front paw, obviously suffering from a headache.

Nelix - So let me get this straight: Somehow these people, who live practically on the other side of the Federation from Bajor, have a book written in ancient Bajoran and speak Bajoran as well? And they think your idiot CO is some kind of god??

Senseless - That's the jist of it, sir.

Nelix - It's sht like this that makes me question getting up in the morning. I'm going to erase the logs of this conversation and go back to bed. Good day!

Beep!

Senseless turns around and is about to sit down when his combadge pipes up.

NoName #2 - Sir, Lieutenant Bios wishes to speak with you at once in Computer Lab 1.

Senseless - (sigh) Alright.

He starts toward the door.

Senseless - Once more into the headache zone we go...

Scene 6 - Bios and several nameless blueshirts meet Senseless as he enters a cold room filled with lots of monitors, all showing different screensavers. A guy with a headset is sitting behind a monitor showing a bunch of scrolling green lines. Another guy stands behind him.

Neo - How can you understand this code?

Tank - This? This is just a screensaver. But don't tell Morpheus. He thinks I actually do work around here.

Scene jumps to Bios and Senseless in mid conversation.

Bios - Long story short this text says the Captain has to preform some kind of miracle which will somehow save the inhabitants from destruction.

Senseless - Well the last time we tried to save a planet using the Captain's help it ended up with thousands being killed by meteors.

Bios - True, but that wasn't in some book was it. Righteous has probably figured this out by now and is no doubt up to his ears in his own ego with regards to it.

Camera jumps to the planet. Sure enough, Righteous is having a grand old time being worshipped like a god. He is currently partaking in a feast when Senseless, Bios, and Blavik show up.

Righteous - Hi guys! Have some of the strange pig like thing they've killed and cooked. It tastes just like you'd expect from a strange pig like thing.

Senseless - We already ate. We're here to tell you we think we've figured out what you're supposed to do to save these people from salvation like they think you will.

Righteous, mouth filled with food, looks at them.

Righteous - I have to do what now?

Bios - You have to save these people from the beings who wish to destroy them.

Righteous - Pah Wraiths?

Bios - No. Not exactly.

Righteous - What then?

Senseless - Oh, just THAT!

He points behind Righteous but the captain doesn't turn around until a dark shadow passes over him. He looks up to see an enormous dark oval shape covering the sun.

Righteous - Cool I didn't know this planet had a moon!

Blavik - It doesn't. That's a ship.

Righteous - Haha nice try but no ship is THAT big while not cube shaped. I'm smarter than you guys give me credit for.

Senseless - No it's a ship, and just because we're getting tired of the corniness, that ship has been spotted by the Federation before. It belongs to a small race of beings called the...well, we don't really know what they call themselves, but they've left the Federation alone in the past.

Righteous - YOU CALL THAT A SMALL RACE!?!

Bios - That's their only ship. They have nothing else except a few asteroid mining stations.

Righteous - Ah. So what's it doing here?

Senseless - Funny story, we think this is their space...

Righteous - Well they could have marked it better.

Bios - Yes, but it doesn't matter. That thing could pulverize the Celestial in less than a minute and there's no way we could even make a dent in them.

Righteous - How come we've never heard this race mentioned before?

Blavik - Do the Son'a ring a bell?

Righteous - No.

Blavik - Precisely.

Righteous - So what should I do?

Senseless - Just keep everyone calm. We'll think of some way to get them out of here. We're going back to the ship.

Righteous - Ok I can do that.

The others leave him alone at the table. All the villagers are beginning to freak out.

Righteous - OK, stay calm, stay calm...WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Righteous begins running around like a dog trying to chase it's tail while screaming.

Scene 7 - On the bridge, Greaser is talking with an alien on the viewscreen when Senseless, Genocide, and Center enter from the turbolift.

Greaser - Ah here's my commanding officer.

Senseless whispers to her.

Senseless - What did you tell him?

Greaser - Nothing. We've been having a staring contest for the past three minutes. I was winning until you came in.

Senseless - Ok (to viewscreen alien) I'm Commander Jack Senseless of the Federation starship Celestial. How can we be of service?

Generic Bad Guy #1 - Well we were just passing through and noticed that you seem to have taken an interest in our quaint planet which shows no signs of life whatsoever. We were just curious.

Generic Bad Guy #1 quickly looks to his left, then to his right with just his eyes while dark music plays in the background and lightening strikes somewhere on the alien bridge. Camera goes once to each of the blinking faces of the Celestial crew.

Greaser - Is this guy for real or is Admiral Nelix feeding us false sensor information again as a joke?

Generic Bad Guy #1 - Silence! We do not wish a war with the Federation at this time. You may go about your business but do not move any deeper into our space...or ELSE!

Lightening and thunder roll by as the viewscreen fizzles out.

Senseless - I think that went well. Who here thinks that went well?

A few freshman no-names raise their hands, see the senior staff isn't doing anything and then quietly go back to work.

Scene 8 - On the alien bridge.

Generic Bad Guy #1 - What the hell is that ship here for? They've been scanning this planet for almost 17 Earth hours now. What could be so interesting about a bunch of plants?

Generic Bad Guy #2 - And why haven't they transported anyone down to the surface yet?

Generic Bad Guy #3 (at a console) - And why did their total crew count suddenly increase by two shortly after we arrived?

Generic Bad Guy #1 - Really? Yes, that _is_ a good question.

Generic Bad Guy #1 does the whole evil finger pyramid thing as the scene fades to black.

­

Scene 9 - Righteous is trying his worst to calm the villagers while Blavik and Puker pass out morphine injections.

Righteous - Everything is going to be OK, there's no need to panic.

Villager #1 - IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!

Righteous - Well, maybe, but it could also just be the world having a bad day. The point is we don't know for sure so we just need to stay–

Priest - SILENCE!!! All of you! Listen to the Emissary!

Righteous - Hey why haven't I seen you before now?

Priest - It was not written in the sacred text for us to meet!

Puker - Neither were these morphine shots but everyone seems to like them.

Priest - Come, Emissary, it is not safe here.

Righteous - It looks perfectly safe to me.

The Priest pulls out a notepad, flips to some pages, looks at a nearby sundial, and then up at the sky.

Priest - 4, 3, 2, 1,...

FOOM! An enormous energy weapon is fired at the planet from the big oval shaped ship thing. It impacts several hundred kilometres away but the explosion's shockwave reaches as far as the village and knocks several trees over. A massive mushroom cloud begins to billow upward from the impact site. All the villagers start screaming even more and running for cover.

Righteous - OK so you were saying?

Priest - Follow me.

The four start running for the hills as several villagers follow.

Puker - Such a large planet and they choose to fire near where we are? Not a coincidence...I think they're tracking our combadges!

Blavik and Puker rip their combadges off and throw them at the ground, then pull out their phasers and yell at the villagers who are about to run over the spot.

Blavik - Get back!

The two vapourize their combadges and then continue running after Righteous.

Righteous - Hey where are your talky pin things?

Another energy weapon hits the ground, on the other side of the village from the first, but much closer. The shockwave knocks most of the trees over as well as some wooden houses.

Blavik - We think they've detected us by them. It's the only possible explanation for why they've chosen this location to fire upon.

Righteous - I'd better call the ship then and tell them to beam us up.

Puker - NO SIR! A signal that strong and they'll lock onto us and be able to take out this entire valley! Think of the children!!!

Righteous - Always the children. Fine. Here.

He tosses Puker his combadge, who promptly destroys it.

Priest - In here.

He ushers them all into a cave. Hundreds of villagers begin to follow.

Priest - My lord is there anything you can do at this point?

Righteous - Nah we'll just have to ride this one out until I can get in touch with my underlings. Which shouldn't be too long from now. I hope. Well, they ARE lazy but maybe stuff like mushroom clouds will speed them up.

Puker - Sir I've scanned this cave network. It should be deep enough underground that we'll be protected, unless there's a cave-in.

The last of the villagers runs into the cave.

Puker - Come on, we need to be deeper before they fire again. Third time's the charm, as I always say.

The remaining people at the mouth of the cave begin running deeper into the cave.

FOOM! Everyone turns around just in time to see a blinding light.

Priest - Take cover!

Righteous - I HATE THIS JOB!!!

The mouth of the cave is hit by an big shockwave and everything goes dark.

Scene 9 - Bridge of the Celestial. It's at red alert and everyone is at their stations, except Righteous, obviously. (Why do I even bother to mention that, then?)

Senseless - Anything?

Center - Still no response. I don't think they're listening.

Senseless - Open a channel. This is Commander Senseless of the Celestial. Cease your attack at once. We have people on the surface conducting scientific experiments. If you do not cease fire and stand down, we will consider it an act of aggression against us and will respond accordingly.

The screen changes to show Generic Bad Guy #1.

Generic Bad Guy #1 - Respond accordingly? What will you do? Throw rocks at us? You couldn't possibly harm our ship. Now, this is OUR planet and we have decided to strip mine the whole thing. But first we must wipe out all indigenous plant life which might slow us down. Good day!

The screen goes back to the view of the oval ship.

Senseless - FK! Commander Genocide, tactical analysis?

Genocide - They're armed to the teeth but most of their more powerful weapons are slow to fire and easy to avoid. They're smaller ones are not a huge threat to us but continued exposure to small weapons file from their hull will be deadly.

Senseless - I think that's the first time you've ever given me a straight answer when I asked for a tactical analysis. Good work.

Genocide - Well stuff like this interests me.

Senseless - Lieutenant Baque, think your piloting is good enough to avoid those big guns?

Baque - Yes. Admiral Nelix might say otherwise, but I'm cool.

Senseless - Good. All hands, battlestations. Mr. Baque, attack pattern Alpha. Mr. Genocide, target their weapons and fire at will. Bios, I don't give a rats ass if using the "modify sensors" plot device only goes so far, find a way through that interference and get our people out, NOW!

Bios - Aye, aye, sir!

Camera watches as the USS Celestial speeds toward the ship firing all it's phasers and torpedo launchers. It dodges left and right and up and down as those big yellow mushroom-cloud making weapons shoot at it. Camera goes to the bridge.

Center - On the bright side they've stopped firing at the planet now.

Camera watches as a yellow energy weapon just grazes the side of the ship. Camera goes to the bridge where the Master Systems Display console explodes, killing 4 no-names and showering the bridge with glass and flaming debris.

Baque - Yes, let's always look on the bright side of life, DAMN IT!

Scene 10 - In the cave, Righteous, Puker, Blavik, and the Priest wake up and shake the dust and rock off of them. Blavik pulls out her tricoder and scans the caved-in section.

Blavik - It will take hours to clear this away. On both sides. So, which way do we go, sir? Out or into the mountain?

Righteous, meanwhile, is more interested in a third pile of rock he's found. He pulls a stone away from it and finds a hole behind it.

Righteous - I say we go THIS way.

Puker - Sir that's probably a dead end. Let's go check on the other villagers.

Priest - No, let him go. It is written.

Puker - So is the weather but we all know how often THAT'S right.

Righteous starts clearing away the rock until he can crawl through.

Righteous - Hey guys there's a tunnel back here!

Blavik - I'm sure there's a logical explanation for why he is right almost as often as he is wrong.

Puker - One of the universe's many mysteries. Let's go.

They run down the tunnel and enter a large cavern with a big piece of machinery in it.

Priest - OK, THIS wasn't written.

Puker - What _is_ it!?

Blavik - Some kind of high energy discharge device, I would say by these readings. If my calculations are correct, it's generating enough electromagnetic interference to account for the inability to detect non-plant life on this planet.

Righteous - Cool. Now how does it work?

Blavik - I do not have enough information to tell you, sir.

Righteous - Of course.

Scene 11 - Camera is on the Celestial's burning bridge as it gets the crap kicked out of it by the other ship's conventional weaponry.

Genocide - Shields down to 21! Main phaser bank is offline!

Center - We have hull breaches on decks 8 through 12 and emergency force fields are not responding!

Baque - The port nacelle has been ruptured and we're venting plasma.

Greaser - We've got microfractures in the warp reaction chamber! If we don't shut the core down it'll breach!

Senseless - Damn it! Prepare to ram them!

Baque - Uh, uh, no way, I say we high tail it out of here and come back with a full task-force!

Genocide - I agree, sir, we can't even scratch them if we destroy ourselves.

Senseless - Alright, plot a course for the nearest starbase, maximum warp.

Bios - Wait! Something's happening!

Senseless - Something's always happening, Lieutenant. ENGAGE!

BOOM! The engineering console sparks as the ship shakes.

Greaser - Damn it! They took out our warp drive! Luckily I've had to fix it so many times I can now do it blindfolded, but it will take time.

Senseless - Get us out of their weapons range with impulse then!

Baque - Gladly.

Genocide - Spoilsport...I was having fun...

Scene 12 - Planet's surface, in the hidden cavern. Blavik, Puker, and the Priest are looking around for a control panel since there is none to be seen. Righteous simply looks at the weapon.

Righteous - I swear I've seen this before, but I can't put my finger on it.

Puker - Sir, a little help? Remember we're trying to save a planet?

Righteous - I know, I know, but it's been a long day, just give me a break.

As he puts his hand on a ledge to lean, the entire device lights up like the 1st of July (Yeah that's right, 1st! Not 4th!)

Righteous - I didn't do it!

He pulls his hand off and the device shuts down.

Blavik - Fascinating.

Blavik puts her hand on the device and nothing happens. Puker and the Priest try with the same result.

Righteous - Ah oh I hope I didn't break it...

Blavik - Captain, please try that again.

Righteous puts his hand on the device and it lights up again.

Puker - Now just, hold it right there!

The humming of the device gets louder and louder. Light begins pulsing up and down it's 5 story length.

Righteous - Uh, guys?

Priest - AH!

Puker - We'll just be, um, over here, sir, if you need us.

The three other people run back to the mouth of the tunnel.

Righteous - Guys! It's starting to get a little warm here!

All of a sudden, the device shoots a huge ploom of white lightening out of it's top, up through the top of the mountain, and into the sky. The camera follows it as it plows into space and heads straight for the alien ship at light speed. On the alien bridge...

Generic Bad Guy #3 - SIR!

Generic Bad Guy #1 - What is it?

KA-BOOM! The lightening hits the ship and blows a gaping hole through it, causing it to promptly explode in a huge ball of antimatter fire. Camera goes to Righteous who quickly pulls his hand away from the device. Camera then goes to the Bridge of the Celestial.

Senseless and the other bridge crew have shielded their eyes from the glare on the viewscreen.

Senseless - Report!

Bios - Hey, don't look at me!

Genocide - Did WE do that?

Baque - Somehow I doubt it.

Center - The ship has been completely destroyed.

Greaser - I'm sure we all should be feeling bad about the annihilation of almost an entire species, but it's not the first time it's happened so let's just live with it.

Bios - Hey, I can detect lifesigns on the planet's surface now! How cool is that?

Senseless - Baque, take us back to the planet.

Baque - Um, how about no? That weapon could still be active.

Genocide - Oh we can only hope! I'd like to get a look at that baby!

Senseless - Just put us back in orbit...

Genocide - Just imagine the destructive power! Oh I can almost taste the smoke and fire...

Scene 13 - Senseless, Genocide, Tener, and Bios beam down into the creator which used to be the village.

Senseless - Well this doesn't look good. I thought you said there were lifesigns here?

Bios - Yeah, a hundred metres that way.

They look toward the mountain's base and see several villagers moving rocks away from the entrance to the cave network.

Senseless - Ah.

The four officers go up to the cave and push their way in. A short way into the tunnel they come across Righteous.

Senseless - Sir, is everyone alright?

Righteous - Oh just peachy. We found this really big gun–

Genocide - WHERE!?!! JUST POINT AND I'LL FIND IT!

Righteous - It's back there. And the cool thing is only _I _can use it! Neat, right?

Genocide suddenly becomes much less enthusiastic.

Genocide - Well that just ruined it for me.

He walks out and goes to help the villagers move rocks with Tener. Blavik, Puker, and the Priest come out of the other tunnel and join the group.

Blavik - The weapon seems to build up charge very slowly, over a period of a few thousand years. The resulting magnetic field produced the interference we observed.

Puker - Our guess is that it's keyed to engage when Righteous's DNA comes in contact with it.

Senseless - Who would do that?

Righteous - The Prophets, of course!

Priest - We now know the love of the Prophets. We have survived so that we may spread their word to everyone!

Bios - What have we done...

Senseless - There's a village a few kilometres north of here your people can settle in. I'll assume you know of it. We have to leave now.

Righteous - But why!? We still don't know WHY the Prophets choose this backwater planet to install a huge weapon.

Senseless - And some questions are best left unanswered...Let's go home. Senseless to Celestial.

NoName #2 - Aye sir?

Senseless - Seven to beam up.

Scene 14 - In the Celestial Temple, Ben Sisko is watching the events unfold on the Prophet's big screen high definition television. He turns to the other Prophets.

Sisko - HA! I TOLD you he could save those people! You guys owe me an all expense paid trip to Risa! Score ONE for Starfleet!

One of the Prophets, represented by NoName #1, flips the channel.

NoName #1 Prophet - Here's what he did last week.

The television shows as the Celestial creates a wormhole which accidentally cuts a moon in two.

Sisko - DAMN IT! PROPHETS DAMN IT!

NoName #1 Prophet - Oh, we tried, we tried...

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	7. Celestial 27

Star Trek: Celestial #27 - Side-Effects Include Hallucinations

By Swordtail

Started January 28, 2007

Finished February 17, 2007

(In case you're wondering these dates are more for me than for anyone else. I like to keep track on how much time I waste each month.

Why did I stop ing out the curse words? Because in today's media-run society it's a complete waste of time! EVERYONE from the age of about 5 upwards knows what the words are and bleeping them out won't change anything. Don't like it? Don't read it!

Scene 1 - Admiral Nelix trots into Fleet Admiral Spot's office onboard the Earth Spacedock. He jumps up onto her desk where she is currently writing a report on a laptop computer.

Nelix - Ma'am, we've got a problem.

Spot - So your memo said. What is it?

Nelix - Do you remember reading a report about a small rouge Breen faction being led by some deranged military commander?

Spot - Yeah, what about it?

Nelix - Well apparently the combined forces of his entire fleet decided to pay Trill a visit. They intend to annihilate the entire planet.

Spot - What!?! We have to stop them! Divert all ships in the area to defend Trill.

Nelix - Uh, I did. The only ship within 30 lightyears was the USS Celestial.

Spot - It figures. Think they'll go?

Nelix - Well Lieutenant -Commander Genocide is ecstatic about shooting something, Commander Senseless is just following orders, Righteous thinks the Breen are in league with the Pah Wraiths, and Baque for some reason said he felt like flying in weird circles for a while. I think they had him on drugs.

Spot - Excellent. So they'll take care of it then?

Nelix - They're outnumbered 5 to one.

Spot - I'll tell every ship within 50 lightyears to get there at maximum warp.

Nelix - My thoughts exactly.

Scene 2 - Bridge of the Celestial. The entire thing is being blown to pieces and most of the bridge is on fire and covered with beams and debris. The ship is shaking as the bridge crew fights to keep themselves alive.

Genocide - Aft shield generator destroyed!

Center - Hull breaches on decks 7 through 20!

Greaser - Port nacelle has been destroyed!

Baque - We're losing impulse engines!

Senseless - Continue firing on their lead ship!

Bios - Sensors are failing!

Righteous - Dear Prophets, please accept our souls in a few minutes when we finally buy the farm!

Genocide - FUCK! Aft torpedo launchers are destroyed!

Center - Hull breach on deck 3, Messhall! They're targeting the bridge!

Senseless - Beam us to the battle bridge!

Camera watches as a Breen ship destroys the Celestial's bridge. Camera goes to the battle bridge where everyone materializes and takes their stations. It, too, is heavily damaged and on fire.

Baque - Again I ask, WHY are we here!

Greaser - At this point we don't have a choice! Warp drive is beyond repair! The warp core is fused!

Righteous - Is that a bad thing? I kind of stopped listening to the bad things since there are so many of them!!!

Senseless - Genocide! What's the status of that lead ship?

Genocide - I've took down their forward shields but the other ships are getting bolder.

Senseless - You're authorized to use tricobalt torpedoes now.

Genocide - This close to a planet? Isn't that against some stupid Starfleet regulation?

Senseless - No choice. Fire.

Camera watches as a Breen cruiser which got too close has a hole blown through it by a white glowing torpedo.

Genocide - YEAH! Take that you bastards!

Camera watches as the largest Breen ship hits the Celestial's port impulse engine.

Center - Oh crap!

Camera watches as that same impulse engines promptly explodes and takes most of the port saucer section with it. Camera goes back to the battle bridge. Consoles explode and throw no-names around the room. The viewscreen shorts out and then cracks.

Greaser - JESUS CHRIST! WE JUST LOST DECKS 4 THROUGH 9 TO OPEN SPACE!

Center - Casualty reports are coming in. 300 dead, 240 wounded, sickbay has been destroyed, Doctor Puker and Ensign Blavik are setting up a triage in cargo bay 1 and 2.

Greaser - We're about to lose main power!

Genocide - All shields are offline! All weapons are offline! We're screwed! Men, women, I salute you!

Genocide puts his hand up in a salute and starts humming "Last Post" when his console explodes and throws him unconscious against the back wall.

Righteous - I say if we go down we take those sinners with us. Ramming speed, helm boy!

Baque - Alright, but I say if we have to die, can you at LEAST stop calling me helm boy for ONE! LAST! TIME!

Righteous - No. Ram the lead ship, helm boy!

Senseless - All hands, abandon ship. I repeat, abandon ship!

Bios - Sir, most of the crew are dead or injured and the comm system is offline.

Senseless - Well then. Nice knowing you guys.

Baque - I'll reserve that judgement until later.

Camera watches as the USS Celestial, missing one nacelle with the other one half blown apart, and missing a good third of it's port forward section, and covered with holes and burn marks, turns and heads straight for the large Breen dreadnought which is still firing. Other Breen ships try to destroy the Celestial but it keeps on plowing. A few kilometres from impact, something all plot-like and unexpected happens. The USS Saratoga, USS Drunk, and a nameless Miranda class ship drop out of warp. Camera watches the battle bridge as the crew are beamed away. Camera goes out into space, seconds before the Celestial slams into the Breen lead ship and explodes, taking it's target with it. The smaller Breen cruisers and destroyers quickly disperse. Camera goes to the sickbay of the Saratoga where the senior staff were transported.

Senseless - Well. Who would have thunk it?

Righteous - Thank the Prophets! We're saved!

Puker - Excellent. I can now get stuff done. See, Blavik accidentally said "triage" when I meant "morgue."

Center - Who are we missing?

Senseless (pointing at people) - Bios, Genocide, Baque, Greaser, Puker, Blavik, Me, the Captain, you. Who else are we missing?

Tener walks in.

Tener - Gee thanks guys I really appreciate being woken up for that battle!

Righteous - HIM! Want some porridge?

Tener - What?

The sickbay doors open and Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix walk in.

Nelix - Well I'll be a tiger's uncle. They survived. Almost makes me happy.

Spot - Ignore him. You morons did good today. Better than I would have expected.

Senseless - What are you guys doing here?

Nelix - We're not. We're trying out some new long range holographic comm system. We're actually in a holosuite on the Spacedock.

Bios - Sounds like the author forgot how far Trill was from Earth but we'll buy it.

Nelix - I'm supposed to express my thanks from the Trill government to you guys. You really pulled through this time. Hell, if I didn't know better I'd say you all acted competent this time.

Righteous - Yay! So when will our ship get fixed.

Spot - Ah there's the Righteous we all know and hate...

Nelix - Captain your ship was destroyed in case you didn't realize.

Righteous - Bummer. So when do we get a new one?

Genocide - Uh uh, not if it's the USS Halfass again. I hated that ship, and I always will...unless Starfleet decides to arm it to the teeth.

Nelix - Don't worry we'll get you a ship that won't break every time you jump to warp. Now, you're all coming back to Earth for a full debriefing and probably some shore leave. Ah who am I kidding just get back here for a debriefing.

Spot and Nelix vanish from the room.

Righteous - Ooh I hope we get a pretty ship!

Baque - I hope we get a new captain...

Opening credits. Ah for God's sake why do I do this? It's just a waste of 3 or 4 lines of text! Sheesh. I can't even remember why I started doing this in the first place but I can't think of a good reason now. Oh well.

Scene 3 - Commander Senseless is sitting in a room under the glare of a dozen admirals all writing things down on PADD's. Spot and Nelix are among them simply because they're the only admirals who have names and the production staff were too cheap to hire more than a few talking extras.

Spot - Now, in your own opinion, could you have saved Trill AND the Celestial in an ideal situation?

Senseless - I don't see how. The Trill government are a bunch of morons and spent hours having a meeting to decide whether to launch their homeworld defence fleet, only to break for a 5 hour lunch just about the time we ran into the Breen. Of course, our ship is heavily underfunded or under-resourced or whatever the Federation is supposed to give to ships so I think we held out quite well under the fire of a Breen dreadnought and 2 cruisers and 2 destroyers.

Nameless Admiral #1 - Commander, in your professional opinion, is Captain Righteous Lee a complete and utter moron who is unfit for duty?

Senseless - Yes.

Nameless Admiral #2 - Well you're obviously biassed since you work with him all the time so we'll just leave him in command for the time being.

Senseless - Of course, sir.

Nelix - Alright I think we're done for now. Go wait in the lobby; they're serving cookies and juice.

Senseless gets up and leaves the room. Righteous enters and sits in Senseless's previous chair.

Spot - Captain Righteous Lee, you were in command of the USS Celestial NCC 80164 when it was destroyed, were you not?

Righteous - Sure, I guess so.

Nelix - And in your professional opinion, under ideal conditions, could your ship have been saved?

Righteous - Yeah, if the Prophets hadn't been busy saving the rest of the universe I'm sure they would have helped us out.

The admirals look at each other.

Nameless Admiral #1 - Captain, in your professional opinion, are you a complete and utter moron who is unfit for duty?

Righteous - Yep. Crazy, ain't it? So, now, the ship? When do I get it back?

The admirals look at each other again.

Spot - Sometimes I ask myself, why? Why did I give up a carefree life batting fake mice and scratching up the curtains for this...?

Righteous - Can I go now?

All the admirals - Yes, get out!

Nelix - There's cookies and juice in the lobby.

Righteous gets up and leaves the room.

Spot - Why...why!?

Scene 4 - Somewhere on Earth, the Celestial's senior staff minus Righteous are eating at a restaurant.

Tener - I swear you guys would have forgotten to beam me off the ship if it had been left up to you. I don't see how you can forget about your security chief that easily! Genocide, did you ever have this problem?

Genocide - I did less security work as chief than I do now. Type II phasers verses Type IX or XII or whatever. Which ones would YOU pick?

Puker - I'd still like to know why Trill didn't have a better defence force. I say next time we just LET the enemy through. Less paperwork.

Blavik - Half the crew was killed when that impulse engine blew. You'd think those things would be a little safer.

Center - Meh.

Baque - The one constant in this universe is bureaucracy. We'll get a freighter. A crappy freighter. One with a top speed of warp 2 and only lasers are armaments. You'll see...

Bios - I really couldn't care less at this point. If Starfleet sticks us on the Halfass again, I'm quitting.

Senseless - Don't worry I'm sure they'll at least fix it up first.

Righteous walks in.

Righteous - Ooh food. Sorry guys, no time to eat, we have a ship to man.

Baque - This outta be good. Waiter, cheque please.

So, later, the crew are aboard a shuttle heading up to the spacedock. As they pass through the doors, they all look out the window at a ship which lays before them.

Bios - What the recycling bin is THAT thing?

Tener - Looks like a Prometheus rip-off.

Rightoeus -That, my underlings, is our new ship. The USS Celestial - A. Ares Class. (Look it up)

Genocide - Starfleet granted our ship a_ LETTER?_??

Righteous - Well, I pushed for it, and Admiral Spot agreed on the bounds that it's the only one we get.

Puker - Ah it figures.

Senseless - Don't worry. That's what HQ said to Kirk too.

The shuttle moves around ths ship.

Genocide - This is stupid. Where's the ablative hull armour?

Greaser - Oh it's there, just less of it then on the old ship. What I want to know is why the warp nacelles are directly connected to the ship instead of being attached to pylons. And why are they on their sides?

Center - You guys complain too much. I'm just happy we got a nice ship.

Genocide - Bull shit. Mark my words we'll regret stepping onboard that ship.

The shuttle flies around back and parks in one of the two shuttlebays. They file out and are met by Admiral Nelix.

Nelix - Ah you found the place. I was beginning to think you'd somehow gotten lost.

Righteous - Here to give us a tour, sir?

Nelix - What am I, an ensign? Figure out shit on your own. All systems are operational and the rest of your new crew will be arriving shortly. Now, the turbolift is down that way so have fun.

Admiral Nelix walks over to a shuttle parked in the other bay, climbs aboard, and takes off through the forcefield.

Senseless - Shall we?

The crew walk down the corridor. Everywhere no-names are running around carrying duffle bags and pillows and chatting noisily.

NoName #1 - 800 crew! Wow the chances of any one of us being killed are now much slimmer! I love this ship--!

Bzzzzzzt! Baque lowers his phaser when the rest of the senior staff look at him.

Baque - Sorry, I just couldn't let it slide.

Genocide, meanwhile, is looking around at the brightly lit corridors and calm colour scheme of the paint job.

Genocide - I wanted a warship and they give us something that looks like the Enterprise - D was shoved inside it. I have a feeling I'll be bored here...

They find their way to the bridge, which looks a lot like the Prometheus' bridge from that Voyager episode. Everyone goes to their consoles; camera follows Genocide.

Genocide - Alright let's inspect the damage.

He looks down at his console and his eyes go wide as Galaxy-class saucers. He looks up again and a smile crosses his face.

Genocide - Dear diary...Jackpot!

Scene 5 - Meanwhile, confusingly enough, camera is watching Lieutenant Tener as he crawls through the wreckage of what is clearly the USS Celestial with no letter attached to its name. The lights are off, the red-alert lights are flickering, the carpet is burnt to a crisp, dead crewmen lie everywhere, ceiling tiles litter the floor, you name it, it's happening. Tener stops at a groaning no-name and checks his pulse.

Tener - Well ethically I shouldn't let you suffer.

He pulls out his phaser and kills the dying no-name.

Just then, several yellow and blue shirt no-names come walking around the corner and encounter Tener. One of them yells back at some others.

NoName #2 - WE'VE FOUND SOMEONE!

Tener - Who are you guys?

NoName #2 - We're a rescue team from the Saratoga. Are you injured?

Tener - Nothing a little scene change won't fix. What happened?

NoName #3 - From what we were told you were a half second away from crashing into a Breen dreadnought when they transported away your bridge crew and medical team and jumped to warp just in time. The other Breen ships continued firing until the Saratoga destroyed them, but not before your auxiliary power systems were knocked offline.

Tener - Am I THAT forgettable that not even the enemy remembers to kidnap me?

NoName #2 - What's your name again, sir?

Tener - Just for that, I won't warn you about the subtle power buildup in that plasma conduit over there which is about to blow.

NoName #2 - Huh?

Bam! The plasma conduit blows open and a shard of metal goes through the side of NoName #2's head.

Tener - Ah yes...that made me feel better.

NoName #3 - Sir we've got orders to take anyone we find back to the Saratoga. Your ship is beyond repair. But don't worry, that's also what they said the day it was launched from the shipyard and, well, here we are.

Tener - Alright let's go.

Tener and NoName #3 are transported onto the Saratoga. Commander Shelby meets them in the transporter room.

Shelby - Lieutenant Tener, welcome aboard the Saratoga. I'm only sorry it's not under better circumstances.

Tener - Don't be. I'll probably get a TONNE of shore leave for this! So, the Breen took everyone?

They go into the corridor and walk briskly toward the nearest turbolift.

Shelby - As far as we can tell, your entire senior staff, minus yourself.

Tener - Any idea where they went?

Shelby - Not really. They did a good job covering their warp trail and those other ships did a good job knocking out our sensors. We sent the USS Drunk and the USS Fukov after them, but neither is fast enough to catch up.

Shelby and Tener walk onto the bridge. Captain Farfetched stands up to greet them.

Farfetched - Well hello there, jackass.

Tener - Nice to see you too, sir.

Farfetched - Your incompetent crewmates were beamed aboard the Breen ship just seconds before it warped away. Any _good_ idea why it would want to capture them?

Tener - I don't even know how the Breen knew who to take, and why they forgot about me is kind of annoying to say the least.

Lieutenant Commander Garsh (tactical Andorian guy) - All systems are back online sir. We're ready to give chase on your order.

Farfetched - Make it such.

The Saratoga jumps to warp.

Tener - So what's you guy's theory on why the Breen kidnapped the crew of the Celestial?

Shelby - Probably to get command codes and weaknesses of ships from them.

Tener - And any ideas on just how did they know who to take?

Shelby - We're still working on that part. That's why we asked you!

Tener - Well I'm sure they're working on an escape plan even as we speak.

Scene 6 - In the apparently simulated briefing room on the apparently simulated Celestial - A, the crew are chatting about their new not-so-apparently simulated ship.

Genocide - I never want to leave here! Have you seen the armaments of this thing? Apparently it can fire the phasers in wide beam and use them to locate cloaked ships before plummeting them with narrow beams and torpedos!

Greaser - Dual warp cores! This thing has a cruising speed of warp 8!

Baque - She handles like a ship SHOULD!

Righteous - Prophets!

Puker - Three sickbays! FULL sickbays! With medical staff, the works!

Center - My console looks cool!

Senseless - I can't believe Admiral Spot gave us this ship!

Apparently Fake Tener - Well we DID save Trill.

Senseless - Yeah I guess you're right.

Blavik - This vessel is a prototype, so naturally we'd be the first to be used to test it out.

Bios - The operating system hasn't crashed on me once yet! I love it!

Righteous - Prophets!

Baque is spinning in this chair.

Baque - These chairs kick ass. Hey doesn't this all seem a little too convenient?

Everyone stops what they're doing.

Pause...

Everyone but Righteous - NAH!

Righteous - Thank the Prophets!

Scene 7 - Some time later, the Saratoga catches up with the Breen dreadnought.

Farfetched - Red alert, target their weapons.

Garsh - Weapons targeted.

Farfetched - Fire!

Camear watches as the Saratoga fires torpedoes at the dreadnought, which promptly drops out of warp. The Saratoga follows.

Lieutenant Scratcher - WE HAVE DAMAGED THEIR WARP ENGINES, SIR! THEY ARE COMING ABOUT AND TARGETING US, SIR!

Farfetched - Evasive manoeuvres! Take out their weapons! Now!

NoName Helm Girl - Anyone remember that we established in the piolet episode the Breen had developed a new energy dampener weapon that we didn't say anywhere we had produced a defence to?

Farfetched - I pay you to fly the ship, not to point out blatantly obvious plot holes, jackass!

NoName Helm Girl - Aye, aye,..(muttering) stupid son of a bitch..

Shelby - What was that, Ensign?

Helm Girl - Adjusting roll and pitch, ma'am.

Tener - So I guess it goes to show every crew has a hard time getting along.

Farfetched - You think? The life of Picard's and Kirk's and Sisko's and Janeway's "families" are so completely ridicules it's not funny.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Scratcher - SHIELDS DOWN TO 65, SIR!

Farfetched - Where are the USS Fukov and Drunk?

Camera goes to look at a Miranda Class and a Defiant Class ship floating in front of a large alien space station which obviously has a few dozen guns pointed at each ship. Camera goes to the bridge of the USS Drunk.

NoName #4 (looking at an upside down map) - Damn it I knew we should have turned left at that pulsar!

Scene 8 - On the "bridge" of the "USS Celestial - A" the crew (Righteous, Senseless, Genocide, Baque, Center, Tener, Bios, some nonames for filler) are sitting around doing nothing in particular when all of a sudden the ship starts to shake.

Senseless - What the hell?

Baque glances as his console.

Baque - I got nothing.

Something changes quickly and starts beeping.

Baque - Wait, wait, there's something wrong with the inertial dampeners.

Senseless - Bridge to engineering, what's up with the inertial dampeners?

Greaser - The whats? They're fine, why?

Senseless - Well the bridge was shaking, didn't you feel anything?

Greaser - I'm busy taking in how cool my engineering room is. I'll get back to you on the shaking bridge problem later.

Senseless - But– Damn it!

Righteous - Well only one thing to do now.

Genocide - Blow something up for the hell of it?

Righteous - Exactly. Target the spacedock's power core and fire.

Genocide's jaw drops.

Genocide - Wait...what?

Righteous - You heard me, lock all weapons on the Spacedock's power core and destroy it.

Genocide - Captain, that would destroy our ship as well!

Senseless - Are you out of your mind, sir? There's thousands of people on the spacedock!

Righteous - No there isn't. Destroy the spacedock, that's an order.

Senseless - Belay that order, Lieutenant!

Everyone on the bridge turns to look at the fight.

Senseless - Lieutenant Tener, I am relieving Captain Righteous of command. Please escort him to the brig.

Righteous - Genocide, kill Lieutenant Tener and then destroy the spacedock! Now!

Fake Tener approaches Righteous and draws his phaser. Genocide looks from Senseless to Righteous and back again, then draws his own phaser and sets it to kill.

Genocide - Sorry Commander.

He fires at Fake Tener, who vapourizes in a cloud of...whatever people vapour is made of.

Senseless - GENOCIDE!!!!!

Genocide hits some buttons on his console and the Celestial - A's weapons fire at the base of the empty space within the spacedock. Explosions ripple through it and everything is suddenly destroyed...except, inexplicably, the Celestial - A.

Righteous - Wow Lieutenant-Commander for a second I didn't think you'd listen to me. I'm touched.

Genocide - Don't be. I just wanted an excuse to use this baby's weapons. Why did you get me to kill Tener though?

Greaser, Puker, and Blavik enter the bridge.

Puker - What's going on? I just looked out a window and saw a really big explosion that should have killed us!

Greaser - Yeah and why did Engineering shake for no reason a minute ago?

Blavik - And where is Lieutenant Tener?

Everyone looks at Righteous.

Righteous - Well, it all started on the Saratoga. I figured something was up when Admiral Nelix and Admiral Spot were being nice to us. Then, when they gave us this cool ship, I again suspected something was up. When the room shook without an explanation, I knew the truth. We are NOT onboard the USS Celestial - A. This also isn't the Celestial Temple for those of you that were getting your hopes up. We are being held against our will somewhere, possibly by the Breen that we were attacking.

Everyone stares at him with their mouths hanging open.

Bios - But...why Tener?

Righteous - Simple. We were all beamed to the Saratoga's sickbay. Tener came in a few moments later, after we did a mock head count. Obviously, whoever captured us didn't even think there might be another one until we started talking. When they clued in, it was probably too late to go back and get the real Tener, so they just created a fake to fool us.

Center - So...Tener is...?

Rigtheous - Obviously alive, since this ship still exists, and the Celestial wasn't destroyed, or we wouldn't be here. The smaller Breen ships aren't equipped to capture us like this. The dreadnought must have somehow gotten out of the way in the nick of time.

Puker - Wait, the Righteous we know isn't that smart. How do we know _you're_ the real deal?

Righteous - Just ask the Prophets, they'll sort everything out for ya!

Everyone - It's Righteous.

Senseless - And you figured all that out on your own?

Righteous - Yeah, I guess so. Cool, eh?

Center - That's...

Voice - ...Amazing, to say the least.

Everyone turns around as the room fizzles out and is replaced by a strange holodeck. The crew's phasers disappear and they find themselves surrounded by armed Breen guards. They look toward the voice and see a fluffy cat pawing a remote of some sort.

Genocide - Wait aren't you...?

Chester - Yes, it is I, Chester, once ruler of the Orion Syndicate and your arch enemy, but then you had to screw everything up!

Bios - How does a cat escape from the Federation's Maximum Security Prison?

Baque - Ooh...

Bios - What?

Baque - Remember a few months ago when we broke Genocide out of that "Maximum Security Prison"?

Bios - Oh, right, we blew the whole wall off didn't we?

Chester - Yes you did, and thanks to you, I escaped. However, I'm not willing to forgive you for that, seeing as it was you who put me in there in the first place.

Senseless - Why did you kidnap us?

Chester - Why, to learn everything you know and then use it against Starfleet! Duh!

Righteous - Well your little plan failed because I'm smarter than you! Ha ha!

Chester - Who was it who remembered Mr. James Tener first? Who? The person who took him hostage ONCE or the people who live with him??

Righteous - Sure, rub it in...

Boom, ship rocks.

Genocide - Troubles?

Chester - Nothing to worry about. Now, since you rejected the easy way, we'll have to do this the hard way: Bring in the Romulan Mind Reader Thingies!

Two Breen leave the room and come back in with various trolleys covered in wires and electronic devices.

Chester - Unfortunately I couldn't get top of the line ones but these should do. I got them from Value Village. Now, whose first?

Righteous - Ooh pick me!

Chester - Yeah, right, like after what happened the last time you were hooked up to one of these things.

Baque - You were there?

Chester - I don't honestly remember. Now, how bout the Commander?

Senseless - Uh, um, LOOK! A DISTRACTION!

Chester - Haha that only works so many times before we clue–

Little does he know the Breen guards fell for it and are all currently facing the wrong way. Greaser runs up and grabs Chester by the scruff of the neck and puts her other hand around his throat. The Breen turn back around at the sound of hissing feline.

Breen - AHAJKDSHFHASJKJSEHKSERAWKH$WQWKH# KH#$!!!!

Greaser - Nobody move! On some planets they eat animals like this! I could make a fortune!

The Breen stop their advance.

Senseless - We want a shuttle, and we want it now!

The Breen just look at each other.

Greaser - All right, here goes–

BOOM! Ship rocks, sparks, the room shakes and everyone loses their footing and falls to the ground. Genocide, who was nearest a Breen soldier, grabs the guard's weapon and starts firing around the room.

Genoicde - Take this you bloodless bastards! This is for getting my hopes up and then crushing them!

The Breen no-names frantically fumble around trying to stay alive. Finally, the last one dies and Genocide shoots the door.

Genocide - Let's go!

Everyone grabs a disruptor rifle and follows him out into the corridor.

Chester - HISS! Put me down!

Greaser puts her weapon to his head.

Chester (quietly) - Not like that...

Greaser - Then SHUT UP!

The officers race through the exploding hallways. Breen soldiers fall before them simply because they suck at shooting and make Stormtroopers look like crack shots. Finally, they come to a small control room.

Senseless - Bios, get to work on figuring out who's attacking this ship. If they're friendly, we need to lower the shields so they can beam us out.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Bios - I'm detecting a Galaxy Class ship and a Prometheus Class ship in multi-vector assault mode. This ship doesn't have any escorts and frankly doesn't stand a chance.

Genocide - Can you lower the shields?

Bios - Hang on. I'm accessing the shield controls...

BANG! The console she was at sparks and explodes nearly catching her in the face.

Bios - Whoops. Wrong button.

All of a sudden Puker, Righteous, and Blavik are transported away in a Federation transporter beam. Chester takes advantage of the distraction and bites Greaser on the hand.

Greaser - OW!!! FRAK!

She drops the cat who quickly hops away. Greaser tries to shoot him but misses and is beamed away before she can line up another shot. Camera goes into space and watches as the Saratoga and some un-named Prometheus ship finish destroying the Breen dreadnought. Just before it explodes, a small ship exits a docking bay and jumps to warp...There's no point saying that obviously Chester was onboard.

Scene 9 - In the Saratoga's transporter room the Celestial's senior staff get down off the transporter pad and are met by Commander Shelby and Lieutenant Tener.

Tener - So...why did the enemy forget about me?

Righteous - Because I'm smarter than him apparently!

Tener - Oh...so how did they get you all in the first place then? Transporters are complex pieces of technology as I recall.

Senseless - Hello Commander, I'm afraid we have bad news.

Shelby - Worse than you were just held prisoner by the Breen and have probably given them valuable intelligence information regarding Starfleet systems so that they could build an even MORE annoying weapon to piss us off?

Senseless - ...Well, maybe. Chester the cat is at large again.

Righteous - A fluffy kitty cat! What harm could he _possibly_ do?

Everyone slowly turns to stare at Righteous.

Genocide - Sir, do you remember ANYTHING from Season One?

Righteous - If I say yes, will you drop the subject?

Greaser - That damn animal bit me!

Puker - I'd better take a look at that in case you've contracted rabies or something similar. Nurse, prep for brain surgery.

Greaser - What?

Puker - In case you've been infected with Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy. It attacks the brain.

Greaser - I'll take my chances if you don't mind.

Puker - Good. Less work for me.

Suddenly, Admiral Spot appears in the room in a fizzle of holographic goodness.

Spot - About time those morons on the Saratoga got you morons back. What's the deal?

Bios - I thought that long range holo-communicator thing was just an illusion made by our captors?

Spot - Yes, but it's very convenient in furthering the plot don't you think?

Senseless - Chester is working with the rogue Breen factions now.

Spot - ...Greeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaattttttt...I suppose this would have something to do with you breaking him out of prison?

Righteous - Accidentally, of course.

Spot - Right. Of course.

Righteous - So is our ship non-exploded?

Spot - That's a matter of opinion. However, you'll have to make do seeing as I'm in a really pissy mood and don't feel like letting you get it fixed by Starfleet. Good day! God, the paper work this Chester character brings with him...GAH!

Bzzzt! Spot disappears.

Senseless - Alright, well you heard the angry Admiral. Greaser, as soon as we get back to the ship I want you to start repairing it.

Greaser - God damn it, half my engineering team is DEAD!

Tener - Oh, actually it's more like three quarters. Sorry but you'll have to do four times the work in order to get everything up and running.

Greaser - Damn it! God damn it!!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	8. Celestial 28

Star Trek: Celestial #28 - Down Time

By Swordtail

Started February 18, 2007

Finished April 4, 2007

Before anyone says anything let me just say this: Too many names ended with the letters er to sound reasonable. And damn it if I want to try to rectify my crappy creativity with names I can! Hardly anyone ever reads these things anyway.

Scene 1 - Camera watches as the crippled USS Celestial, which is missing a nacelle and a good third of its saucer(ish) section, and covered in holes and burn marks, and with most of the lights out or flickering, and with only the impulse engines on the stardrive section powering it, slowly hobbles by. Camera goes to Main Engineering, where the senior staff are standing around a master systems display table console. Debris still litters the floor but most of it has been swept into piles. The warp core is nowhere to be seen (apparently ejected) and there are a severe lack of no-names milling around.

Righteous - Captains log, stardate 435950.7. Were still trying to repair our ship after that battle we went through a few days ago. It doesnt help that Admiral Spot refused to help us, and were missing over three quarters of our crew. Were holding the briefing in the engine room because the bridge was destroyed and we cant get to the main briefing room which was also destroyed.

Senseless - Sir, the main computer is offline so that log entry didnt even get recorded.

Righteous - Oh are we supposed to record these log entries?

Senseless - Argg...

Puker - Now, heres the question of the day: Lieutenant-Commander Garell, didnt your name used to be Greaser?

Garell - Yes.

Long pause, everyone is looking at her.

Garell - What?

Senseless - Arent you going to tell us why you changed your name?

Garell - No, why would I tell you?

Righteous - Prophets!

Garell - On the bright side, were almost ready to transfer the auxiliary warp core into the main warp cores place. Unfortunately, the remaining warp nacelle is heavily damaged and I cant give you anything more than warp 4.

Genocide - Thats amazing, considering you said the other day that warp drive was Aunrepairable because the core was fused. When were you going to mention this ship has an auxiliary warp core for just such emergencies?

Garell - Look, I took Montgomery Scotts Guide To Miracle Working at the Academy. One of the first things they taught us is to always exaggerate damage reports.

Righteous - But doesnt Ensign Center usually give me damage reports?

Center - I also took that course. And Lieutenant-Commander Garell bribed me a while ago to help her save face.

Senseless - Unfortunately well _need_ a miracle soon. Even if we could sustain warp 4 indefinitely it would still take almost 3 years to get to the nearest shipyard which is almost 300 lightyears away. I dont need to tell you thats a little impractical.

Garell - We dont have the resources or the manpower to build another nacelle. Even if we manage to fully repair the existing one, we cant go any faster than warp 4. Simple physics.

Righteous - How simple?

Garell - Well youve got your mass, which despite our damage we still have a lot of. Then youve got the off-axis field stabilizer which helps the ship stay on a straight course since the warp field isnt always in line with the centre of mass on the ship. When you put those two concepts together, you get that you need a certain field strength to go a certain speed. Now, if the starboard nacelle were lined up in the middle of the ship the off axis field stabilizer wouldnt need to work as hard to keep us going in a straight line and I could give you maybe warp 5 or 5.1 if were lucky. But, moving a nacelle is stupid and wouldnt work anyway since weve got nothing to move it with since our shuttlebay was destroyed and the captains yacht is melted to the hull. Any questions?

Righteous - I knew that.

Bios - So what do we do?

Baque - Go to Trill, ditch the ship, and then find our way back to our various planets of origin as civilians?

Puker - We _could_ do that..._or!_

Blavik - Doctor I believe we spoke about this earlier and came to the logical conclusion it is a very stupid idea.

Senseless - Stupid ideas or no ideas...Ill take stupid. Go ahead Doctor.

Puker - Anyone heard about this automated repair station which as I recall isnt too far from here?

Righteous - Automated?

Garell - Repair station?

Blavik - It was encountered by the USS Enterprise NX-01 in the twenty-second century. They used it after running into a Romulan minefield.

Tener - Ok theres two problems I see. First, I seem to remember it was destroyed. Secondly, I also seem to recall that were nowhere NEAR the Romulan border where Enterprise was exploring. To get to that station would take longer than to get to the nearest Starfleet shipyard.

Puker - Uh uh. The station moved itself over the centuries. Its now about 2 lightyears from our current location. We can get there in only a few days.

Genocide - So how is that a stupid idea?

Blavik - The last time the station was used it took prisoner one of Enterprises crew and used their brain power to augment its computer systems.

Bios - Actually, if I were to install bio-neural gel packs on the station, and teach it how to make its own, it wouldnt need someones brain to run better.

Senseless - You think you could negotiate for that deal?

Bios - I dont see why not.

Senseless - Well then, what are we waiting for? Lets go!

Garell - Wait if this works, does it mean me and my engineering crew will finally get a break?

Righteous - You bet.

Garell - Im so happy I could cry...

Opening credits. Now with 20 less trans fat!

Scene 2 - Space. The remains of the Celestial warp past.

Righteous - Captain low, supplementalB

Senseless - Sir, supplemental doesnt apply when its a week later!

Righteous - We have finally reached the repair station. Its a good thing too. My quarters were destroyed so I have to sleep on the battlebridge. I started to get the feeling the crew would be happier if I had been in my quarters.

NoName #1 - Youre the loudest snorer Ive ever heard, sir!

Camera geos to the battle bridge. Bios, Center, Baque, Senseless, Righteous, Genocide, and NoName #1 are at various stations.

Baque - Were approaching the station.

Senseless - Take us out of warp.

The ship drops out of warp with a thud.

Senseless - Put the station on screen.

A 25mm film projector turns on and starts projecting black and white grainy pictures at 5 frames per second onto the cracked and dark viewscreen. The station from ADead Stop can be seen, fully repaired as was implied by the end of an otherwise mediocre episode.

Senseless - Ook, how the hell are we supposed to fit in those repair bays?

Garell - I must say that thing did a remarkable job fixing itself. I dont suppose it holds a grudge?

Senseless - Lets hope not. But remember our story if it does: Captain Archer was not acting on our behalf.

Bios - Its scanning us.

On the screen, the station begins reconfiguring its left docking bay. The crew watches as it gets larger and larger, then splits open when it cant get any bigger and moves to arrange itself much like the Federation shipyards at Utopia Planetia or the San Francisco shipyards.

Center - Atmosphere now 30 percent oxygen, 70 percent nitrogen, temperature 295 degrees Kelvin. Gravity at 1 Earths.

Righteous - That means nothing to me.

Center - Sorry sir. Its the same as the ships gravity and stuff.

Righteous - Ah.

Senseless - Mr. Baque, move us into that docking port.

Baque - Aye, aye sir.

Camera watches as the Celestial positions itself within the repair bay. Camera then goes to Righteous, Senseless, Garell, and Bios who are walking down a brightly lit corridor on the station. Bios is carrying a bioneural gel pack. They enter the interface room. A holographic display of the Celestial is floating in mid air. A wall console starts beeping and talking.

Station - Please select a payment method to commence repairs.

Garell - Hmmm...three tonnes of duranium, one warp coil, 16 plasma injectors, or a sensor relay module.

Bios - Drat. Is there any way to offer another form of payment?

Station - Your inquiry was not recognized.

Bios - We want to pay by providing this station with bio-neural gel packs which will greatly improve the computational power of the stations processor.

Station - Stand by.

The officers look at each other.

Righteous - That went well.

Station - Please place a sample on the transport pad.

A short pad slides out from the bottom of the wall. Bios puts the gel pack on it, and it disappears in a transporter beam of some sort.

Station - Working...

Pause.

Station - A payment option has been added to your list of options. Please select a method of payment to begin repairs.

Garell - 14 bio-neural gel packs. I think we can spare it, especially if we reroute secondary systems through isolinear circuits.

Senseless - Ok pick it.

Garell touches the screen near the newest payment option and the screen changes to show a schedule.

Station - All personnel are required to vacate areas that are undergoing reconstruction.

Righteous - Ill take this schedule to Ensign Center.

Station - The recreation area is now available to all personnel.

Camera watches as robotic arms unlatch from the station and start repairing the Celestial. Camera goes to the battlebridge.

Genocide - Oh, cool!

Camera goes back to the station.

Senseless - Alright keep an eye on everything. According to this schedule itll take more than 36 hours to complete repairs. Im going to my quarters.

Senseless leaves.

Righteous - Well, no point wasting time. Tell everyone shore leave is in order.

Garell - With pleasure!

Scene 3 - The words ASeveral Hours Later fade in and the station has almost fully repaired the port warp nacelle and the starboard one is in mint condition. The saucer is still a gaping hole but with much less burnt metal on the edges. Also, the bridge is back in business. Camera goes to the bridge.

Senseless - I cant believe they even fixed the registry plaque to actually show the right registry number.

Righteous - I cant believe its not butter! Just taste this stuff theyre serving in the recreation centre on the station! Its delicious!

Blavik - Thats margarine, sir.

Righteous - No, no, my naive vulcan underling: Margins are those things in the sides of paper. This, this is something else entirely!

Blavik mutters something about dogs being smarter than Bajorans and wanders off to the back of the bridge. Garell enters the room, clad in civilian clothes with a martini in her hand and sunglasses on her face.

Garell - Well, holodecks are back online. Ive booked them for the next 30 hours though. Im just up here to laugh at you all who still have to do work. Ha ha haha!

Beep, beep, beep!

Center - Uh, guys?

Senseless - Whats causing the beeping this time?

Center - Im picking up a Cardassian Keldon class warship heading this way.

Righteous - ALL HANDS TO BATTLE-STATIONS!!!

The red alert lights go off and everyone starts frantically running around.

Genocide - Bad news: All weapons are still offline. The station hasnt begun repairing them yet.

Senseless - Ensign, when are they scheduled to be repaired?

Center - Last, according to this.

Senseless - LAST?!?

Center - Maybe the station learned after what happened last time.

Genocide - Bastards! Stupid Enterprise, ruining everything we hold dear in this galaxy...

Center - Although...according to these readings, theyre almost in as worse shape as we are. Their weapons are off line, shields are down, theyre warp drive is fluctuating. In a word, theyre no threat to us.

Baque - They must be coming to use the station as well.

Senseless - Hail them.

Center - Theyre responding. Putting it on screen.

A cardassian appears on the screen.

Cardassian - I am Gul Upchuck and I have need of this repair facility.

Righteous - May your corpse collect dust since not even the worms will want to touch you!

Gul Upchuck - Uh...

Senseless - Hes Bajoran. Just ignore him.

Upchuck - We ran into an ion storm which damaged our ship.

Genocide - Then how come youre so far from Cardassian space?

Upchuck - ...It was a very bad ion storm.

Senseless - Alright but no funny business. We saved your sorry asses from the Dominion so you guys owe us. Think about that if you ever get it into your head to attack us.

Upchuck - Understood. Nameless Cardassian Keldon-Class Warship out.

Scene 4 - Garell, Baque, and Tener are sitting at a table in the repair stations recreation area. A bunch of Cardassians are milling around interacting with the Celestial crew. Three cardassians come over to the officers table.

Cardassian #1 - Well, well, well. If it isnt a bunch of pathetic Starfleet officers. You couldnt even destroy a single Breen armada with your precious ship.

Tener - Why I oughta...

Garell - Calm down Lieutenant.

Cardassian #1 - Why, with your Captain Im surprised you even found a way out of the shipyard. He is the laughing stalk of the entire quadrant.

Baque - Ill drink to that!

Baque downs his beer as the Cardassians exchange confused looks.

Cardassian #1 - And then theres your ship. Its so worthless it should be hauling garbage!

Garell - Laddie, you wanna rephrase that slightly?

Cardassian #1 - My apologies. When I said the Celestial should be towing garbage, I really meant to say it should be towed away, AS garbage!

The Cardassians start laughing. Garell stands up and faces Cardassian #1.

Garell - Mister, Ive been saying that since day one...

Garell leaves the room. The Cardassians just look after her dumbfounded, then at Baque, then at Tener who is trying to move the piece of ice in his glass up the side with his straw, then at each other.

Cardassian - BAH!

The cardassians start to leave the room.

Baque - What better way to avoid unnecessary conflict than to agree with your antagonizers?

Tener - Here, here.

Cardassians (off in the distance) - Lets get out of here. The putrid smell of their crappy beer is making me sick...

Baque - Oh it is ON!!!

SMASH!

Scene 5 - Baque, Tener, and a bunch of no-names are sitting in Sickbay as Doctor Puker and Ensign Blavik tend to their injuries. Senseless and Righteous walk in.

Senseless - What happened!?!

Puker - Lets just say its a good thing the station fixed sickbay when it did.

Baque - There was an incident on the station with the Cardassians, sir.

Righteous - I KNEW they couldnt be trusted.

Senseless - Alright, in simple terms, what happened?

Tener - Well, they were insulting the Captain and the ship, which were fine with. But then they insulted our beer.

Senseless - So you got into a fight?

Baque - Damn straight. Come on, commander, what would you have done?

Senseless - Well, Ill let it pass this time because punishing you is pointless since you never learn your lessons.

NoName #2 - Oh yeah by the way commander, one of the cardassians I was beating the crap out ofB

NoName #3 - You mean getting the crap beat out of you byB

NoName #2 - He said something about them seizing or destroying our ship as soon as theyre weapons were back online.

Righteous - I KNEW they couldnt be trusted!

Senseless - Youve said that at least 30 times today sir. Senseless to Lieutenant-Commander Garell.

Garell - Wadda want, Commander? (Caribbean music playing in background).

Senseless - Where are you?

Garell - Holodeck 1. Its back online, remember? Me and my engineering team are having a limbo contest.

Senseless - Alright how much longer until the weapons are back online?

Garell - How the fk should I know?

Senseless - Arent you paying attention to this stuff?

Garell - Hang on, its my turn now. Garell out.

Senseless - Damn it! Senseless to Ensign Center.

Center - Yes sir?

Senseless - Whats the status of the Cardassian ship?

Center - Still broken, but theyre close to getting their weapons online.

Senseless - Alright call everyone to a meeting in the briefing room in five minutes. Senseless out.

Righteous - Briefing?

Senseless - We need to buy some time.

The senior staff peoples leave sickbay.

Righteous - What do you mean by Abuy? Because I cashed in all my carma chips with the Klingons for that super orb-experience stuff which turned out to be illegal on most Federation worlds...

Scene 6 - Briefing room. All senior staff are present.

Senseless - So, some of the crew have the belief that the Cardassians are going to try to take our ship. Personally I have to say I believe that kind of. So, what can we do?

Genocide - Kill them all while we still have the chance?

Righteous - Good idea. Suit up! To battle!

Senseless - No sir we cant do that. We dont want another war with the cardassians.

Baque - Even though wed kick theyre sorry asses and they know it.

Righteous - Well if were trying to eradicate them I say third times the charm.

Puker - Eradicate? Well if youre trying to commit genocide we might as well use a bio-weapon. I can cook up a nasty little virus that would slowly and painfully shut down their vital organs.

Senseless - DOCTOR!

Puker - What?! Id do it in my spare time, it wouldnt affect my duties at all, I swear.

Genocide - I like it!

Puker - I thought you might.

Senseless - Some days I wonder why I allow this perpetual torment to continue...

Righteous - Is it because you like us all so much?

Senseless - Yes, that _must_ be it...

Bios - Maybe we should just sabotage their ship so the station takes longer to repair them than us.

Senseless - See, this is the kind of thinking you people SHOULD be doing!

Center - If we could overload their weapons array, the damage should buy us enough time.

Righteous - Would it kill any cardassians?

Center - Not if we do it right, sir.

Righteous - Then I dont like it. Doctor Puker, your plan is a goB

Senseless - Bios, Garell, and Tener: I want you to sneak aboard and find a way to keep us alive today.

Garell - Why me!?

Senseless - Because you havent done any work today!

Garell - You said I didnt have to!

Senseless - Noone ever said that!

Garell - Computer, play back dialogue recordings from Main Engineering master systems display console one at time index 12:09.

Computer - Beep!

(From computer speakers)

Garell - Wait if this works, does it mean me and my engineering crew will finally get a break?

Righteous - You bet.

Garell - Im so happy I could cry...

Computer - No further dialogue was written down.

Senseless - Alright, you dont have to go. Wait a minute, didnt you say the main computer was offline back then?

Garell - Hello? Mr. Scotts Guide To Miracle Working? Didnt ANY of you besides the eagerly annoying Ensign Center here take that course?

Genocide - I took the Malcolm Reeds Blowing Things Up 101 course, does that count?

Senseless - Might I remind you that every minute we waste here is another minute the Cardassians could be plotting to destroy us?

Blavik - How do we know they even intend this? It could have just been an overly egotistical claim from one of their men brought on by the emotional outburst resulting from the fight. If it is true, it still goes to show the cardassians are emotionally handicapped like most races.

Genocide - This coming from the most emotional vulcan Ive ever met?

Blavik puts her face in her hands and starts sobbing.

Blavik - _YOU DONT HAVE TO RUB IT IN!!!!_

Senseless - DISMISSED!!! ALL OF YOU!!! OUT! NOW!

The senior staff scramble to get out of their chairs and out the door before Commander Senseless flips out.

Senseless - COMPUTER! Replicate an extra strength aspirin and a glass of water! AND DONT YOU DARE ASK ME WHAT TEMPERATURE I WANT IT!

Scene 7 - Genocide walks down a corridor and opens a door. He looks inside his quarters, which are tidy and neat, completely repaired and shiny.

Genocide - (Sigh) Well this just isnt right.

He pulls a photon grenade out of his pocket and presses the trigger. He steps to the side of the door outside the room and tosses the grenade inside. The doors close and then thud outward. Genocide opens the doors again and looks inside his quarters. Everything is completely destroyed and the walls and ceiling and carpet are burnt to a crisp.

Genocide - Ah home sweet home.

He goes in and starts toward the replicator.

Voice - Was that truly necessary?

Genocide - You know me.

Genocide turns toward the voice but the person is still hidden in the shadows which are present due to the destroyed lights.

Voice - If I didnt know better Id almost think you were hoping to catch me in here one of these days when you do that.

Genocide - If theres one thing Ive learned above all else about you its that you seem to have a natural ability to avoid death.

Shadowy Guy - Comes in handy in my line of work.

Genocide - I bet. Now why are you here?

Shadowy Guy - I have an assignment for you.

Genocide - I told you I dont work for you. Especially not when Ive had days like this. There was a fight on the station and I MISSED it!

Shadowy Guy - I need you to take this data rod and give it to someone on the Cardassian ship.

Shadowy Guy holds out a cylindrical glass rod. Genocide takes it and looks at it.

Genocide - Why?

Shadowy Guy - Theres an Obsidian Order agent onboard who knows to meet you. I just need you to get it to him.

Genocide - Why dont you do it yourself?

Shadowy Guy - Me? I dont exist, remember?

Genocide looks down at the rod and studies it carefully.

Genocide - Whats so important about this rod that you want me to risk my afternoon to wander around a stinky cardassian warship?

He looks up but the guy is gone.

Genocide - Damn. Not again. Oh well...

He pockets the data rod and leaves his quarters obliterated quarters.

Scene 8 - Bios and Tener are sneaking around on the Cardassian ship.

Bios - Do you know where youre going?

Tener - I thought you did!

Bios - Crap. Which way to the nearest control centre?

Tener - How would I know?

Bios - Dont you have the schematics?

Tener - Oh, right. This way!

They continue walking down a corridor.

Tener - Ive finally realized something.

Bios - Whats that?

Tener - All our missions go the same way, week after week. We go on a mission, get the crap beat out of us, go get repaired, go on another mission, get the crap beat out of us, repair, on and on. No wonder Admiral Spot wouldnt let us use the shipyard again. Shes probably fed up filling out the same work orders day after day. You know, Im getting bored of it too. Im starting to think I should quit Starfleet.

Bios - And do what? All you know how to do is be a security guard.

Tener - Maybe I could go into private security somewhere.

Bios - Have you forgotten that the Federation is communist? The only form of any kind of security is Starfleet!

Tener - Damn it!

They round a corner and literally walk into Genocide who was looking behind him for Cardassians.

Genocide, Bios, Tener - AHH!

Bios - Sir! What are you doing here?

Genocide - I could ask you the same question, Lieutenants.

Tener - The commander told us to sabotage the Cardassians weapons.

Genocide - Oh yeah, it slipped my mind. Well, Ill just be off then...

Genocide strolls down the hallway whistling the Pinky and The Brain theme song.

Bios - What do you suppose that was all about?

Tener - With him I usually try not to suppose things. Oh, here it is!

They duck into a small room with consoles inside.

Tener - Funny how weve never come across any Cardassian security guards. I wonder where they all are?

Camera goes to the repair stations recreation room where most of hte Cardassian crew are all getting piss drunk on Kanar and singing Klingon drinking songs poorly. Camera goes back to Bios who is trying to dismantle a console.

Bios - Now, all we need to do is bypass the alarm systems and send the weapons array into an unstoppable power loop which will fry the circuits and blow every fuse on the ship.

Tener - Woah, hang on, ships have fuses?

Bios - Well, DUH!

Tener - THEN WHY DO CONSOLES EXPLODE EVERY TIME THERES A POWER SURGE!!???!!!

Bios - Where do you think they PUT those fuses? I know its stupid but it helps with the over population problem...

Camera goes to a press conference on Earth, where journalists are questioning the Federation President.

Journalist - Mr. President, what is the Federation council doing to help the over population crises in the Federation?

President - Thats, uh, classified.

Journalist #2 - Still?

President - What?

Scene 9 - Cardassian briefing room. Gul Upchuck and his senior staff are having a meeting.

Upchuck - Are you sure you heard correctly?

Injured Cardassian - Yes, sir, I distinctly remember one of the Starfleet officers saying that they were going to seize our ship and imprison us, and if we attempt to escape they would destroy our ship.

Upchuck - Their captain is a Bajoran, so Im not surprised. Whats the status of their weapons?

Cardassian #2 - Still offline but at this point the station could repair them at any moment.

Upchuck - Drat. We have to ensure that we can get out of here before they do. Its bad enough they probably suspect us of spying on them. Im still not buying that a simple ion storm could throw us hundreds of lightyears in a matter of hours.

Undercover Obsidian Order Agent - Yes, seems...strange, doesnt it?

Cardassian #3 - Maybe we deserve to be imprisoned. I mean, first we occupy Bajor and almost commit genocide, then we get into a war with the Federation, then we get into a cold war with the Federation, then we join the Dominion, then we get into another war, then we switch sides, and now were back to cold war again more or less.

Upchuck - Lets pretend to not care. Now, get our weapons back online ASAP! I dont want them outgunning us when push comes to shove. Also, get our crew back aboard, for Cardassias sake!

Scene 10 - Genocide stumbles into a dark room aboard the Cardassian ship. The undercover Obsidian Order agent is already there.

Undercover Obsidian Order Agent - Do you have it?

Genocide gives him the data rod.

Genocide - Any idea what it is?

Obsidian Order Agent - Not a clue. You?

Genocide - I seem to be on a need to know basis.

Obsidian Order Agent - Listen, we know your crew is planning on seizing our ship, is there any way you could prevent that?

Genocide - What? We think YOU are going to attack US!

Obsidian Order Agent - Huh? One of your no-names told one of our no-names that you were planning to imprison us.

Genocide - One of your no-names told one of our no-names something similar!

Obsidian Order Agent - Well, I guess it still proves no-names are still incompetent.

Genocide - Sheesh...well, some of my crew have sabotaged your weapons.

Obsidian Order Agent - Um...what kind of sabotage?

Genocide - Im not sure, all I know is our science officer tampered with your weapons control systems. Knowing her, the second your turn them on your entire ship will explode in a ball of fire.

Obsidian Order Agent - I dont need to tell you how important it is to both our governments that the Cardassian Union gets this data rod.

Genocide - Alright Ill see what I can do, but I cant call attention to my workings with Section 31. If I do, theyll kick me out and stop sending me the annual pie I always look forward to.

Genocide leaves the room, stumbling over the raised floor under the doors.

Genocide - God damn it who would build these dumb things!?

Scene 11 - Briefing room of the Celestial. All senior staff are present.

Senseless - Alright Lieutenant-Commander Greaser, how long until were fully repaired?

Garell - Im not Greaser anymore, remember?

Senseless - Well its annoying to remember that.

Garell - Hey, its pissing me off far more than you. I have to change everything now! All my name tags, all my log entries, my passwords, the thing that lets you set up a two way communication between commbadges...

Blavik - I know what you mean. But at least I got the t-shirt.

Garell - T-shirt?

Blavik pulls off her tunic revealing a Starfleet standard issue t-shirt imprinted with the words AI had a crappy name so the writer decided to confuse everyone by changing it and all I got was the replicator pattern to this lousy t-shirt.

Garell - ...Email that replicator pattern to me when you get the chance.

Righteous - We still use email in the 24th century?

Baque - (sarcastically) No Captain, we just put all our letters in little shuttles and send them in every direction at warp 9.

Righteous - Yeah, thats exactly what I thought! Email...what a load of crap...

Senseless - So back to my earlier question?

Graell - Yes, our shields are back online, and the station has started working on the phaser emitters. We should have weapons within the hour.

Genocide - And then we can high-tail it back to Trill so the Cardassians dont try anything.

Everyone looks at him like he just said something in Breen.

Genocide - What?

Tener - In all the years Ive pretended to know you Ive never once heard you say you want to run away from a possible battle.

Genocide - Well, maybe Im just all battled out from our near death experience.

Center - Normally that makes you even more bloodthirsty, sir.

Puker - Are you feeling alright, Commander? Maybe I should go a full brain scan on you just to make sure.

Genocide - Im fine! I just...um...would rather not get yelled at by Admiral Nelix for starting an interstellar incident...again.

Senseless - Im actually in agreement here. Were peaceful explorers, after all, despite the fact that every week people die and stuff explodes, and we havent done any exploring in months. Lets just high-tail it back to Trill and let THEM stop the Cardassians if they come looking for a fight.

Garell - Here, here, Id rather not have to fix this ship after the station worked so long and hard on it.

Baque - And going really fast is a lot more fun when youre not being chased by Sector Patrol, or Breen, or Zombies, or deranged cats, or deranged cats with high ranks, or bio-ships, or whatever else has chased us over the last two years.

Righteous - You guys are missing the point here! Those are CARDASSIANS! Theyve illegally entered Federation space and...THEYRE CARDASSIANS! NO! We stay, we fight, we win, or die and go to the Celestial Temple. Either way is fine by me, but Im the captain so what I say goes!

Others - (Groan)

Genocide - NOW he gets a backbone...

Righteous - Hey, my species had a backbone long before yours did. And possibly a trunk, but thats off topic.

Senseless - Fine...Bios, Tener, did you manage to sabotage the Cardassian ship?

Bios - I think so.

Senseless - You think so?

Bios - Hey, everything was in Cardassian, and I broke my universal translator.

NoName # 4 - Bridge to Captain Righteous, the repair station has taken our payment. It beamed 14 bioneural gel packs off the ship.

Out the window, the docking clamps and the automated repair arms start to retract.

Puker - That was a really quick hour.

Graell - I said within the hour, remember?

Righteous - TO THE BRIDGE! ALL HANDS, BATTLE STATIONS!

Everyone goes onto the bridge and takes their stations.

Puker - You know, its occurred to me that there is no medical station on this bridge...

Blavik - Our battle station is sickbay, Doctor.

Puker - Oh thats why. Bye guys, try to keep yourselves out of my sickbay!

Baque - My goal in life...

Center - The Cardassian ship is moving away from the station, theyve been fully repaired also.

Righteous - Lock our weapons on their weapons.

Camera goes to the bridge of the Cardassian Ship.

Gul Upchuck - Target their weapons! Prepare to return fire!

Camera goes to the Celestials bridge.

Center - Theyre targeting our weapons.

Camera goes to other bridge.

Cardassian #1 - Theyre targeting our weapons!

Camera gets tired of flipping back and fourth and just splits the screen two ways, one bridge on each half.

Righteous, Upchuck - FIRE!

Nothing happens. Both captains spin in their chairs.

Righteous - Genocide, I said fire!

Upchuck - Weapons officer, I gave you an order!

Genocide, Weapons Officer (who happens to be Undercover Obsidian Order Agent) - IM TRYING!

Genocide - Wait, I think I got it!

Agent - There! Firing!

Camera watches as pitiful dim beams of light fly slowly out of the phaser emitters of both ships, and totally dissipate as they cross the several kilometre divide between the two ships.

Righteous - What just happened?

Genocide - The bastards sabotaged our weapons array!

Camera goes back to...ah screw it.

Agent - Somethings wrong with our weapons systems! I think theyve been sabotaged!

Camera goes...you get the idea.

Senseless - Get them back online before they do!

Bios - The morons installed Windows Vista onto our main computer! Its using up so much memory and processor power just to keep itself running that weve lost our weapons systems to compensate!

Tener - Why havent they fired yet?

Bios - ...Because I did the same thing to their computers...

Awkward Pause.

Center - Were being hailed.

Righteous - On screen.

Gul Upchuck appears on the main viewer.

Upchuck - It seems weve reached in impasse...We may not be able to fight back but weve prevented you from destroying us!

Righteous - As if. It is us who have prevented you from destroying us...(counts on his fingers)...yeah.

Upchuck - Stop being stupid, we know of your plan to imprison us! We have every right to defend ourselves!

Righteous - Dont be absurd, and stop pretending. We know of your plan to destroy our ship! Bios, reformat the hard drives or whatever you people do and get our weapons back!

Senseless - Uh, captain?

Upchuck - Yeah, Im sure youre superiors will buy that story, but we wont! We know you just want to imprison us for the hell of it!

Righteous - Thats exactly what a guilty person would say! We know youll just destroy us and then tell everyone it was in self defence!

Senseless - Um, Lee?

Upchuck - I will not let you illegally imprison my crew! Ill ram you if I have to but you will not take us!

Righteous - Ram us? Not if we ram you first! Helm, FULL IMPULSE!

Upchuck - HELM! FULL SPEED AHEAD!

The two ships start heading for each other at full speed.

Senseless - THATS IT! BAQUE, FULL STOP! GUY WHOS PILOTING THE CARDASSIAN SHIP, DO THE SAME!

Just the tone of his voice causes both officers to slam on the brakes.

Senseless - This is getting ridiculous! Were no longer at war, we need to stop this Apreemptive strike bull crap. Neither of us wants to destroy the other, its just mutual mistrust that has caused our idiotic no-name crews to hear things as they got bopped on the heat with a bar stool. Were going to all go back to our respective areas of the galaxy and leave each other alone? Ka-peesh? Lieutenant Baque, set a course for Trill, warp 7. Engage!

Upchuck - ...Uh, set course for Cardassia, warp 6.

The channel cuts as both ships jump to warp.

Genocide - Is now a good time to tell you I got the weapons working?

Bios - HOW?

Genocide - I just gave administrative access to the targeting systems.

Garell - Well I think that went well. So, whats to fix? Blown EPS conduits? Hull breaches?

Center - Nope, youll be happy to know that were in perfect condition. The ship is as good as new and everything is working smoothly. Theres nothing for you to do.

Garell - But...Im obliged to work now...surely theres something?

Center - Nope. Nothing. Just relax and enjoy the down time.

Pause.

Garell - God damn it now Im bored!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

ADefend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around.


	9. Celestial 29

Alright, before we get started I'm going to rant about something that's been pissing me off since I signed up here: Why the HELL can't I use asterisks, underscores, and stuff like that!?!?!?! If a staff member is reading this, I WANT AN ANSWER!!! If anyone else knows, please let me know in a review or something. Thanks. Without further angst, I give you my latest creation...

Star Trek: Celestial #29 - Resident Idiocy

By Swordtail

Started April 5, 2007  
Finished April 15, 2007

Scene 1 - Ensign Skippy is walking down a corridor, humming Broadway show tunes and thanking the Lords of Kobal that he's still alive. Out of nowhere, another NoName yellow-shirt frantically runs by.

NoName #1 - AHHHHHHH!!!!!

Ensign Skippy - What's the matter?

NoName #1 - LIEUTENANT-COMMANDER GENOCIDE IS SLEEPWALKING AGAIN!!!

Sure enough, as soon as he says it, Genocide stumbles around the corner, wearing pajamas and blindly wielding a phaser rifle. His eyes are closed and he's mumbling something about killing everything in sight.

Skippy - Oh crap.

BZZZZT!!!!

Ensign Skippy is vaporised as NoName #1 runs away. He rounds a corner and spots the turbolift where Doctor Puker is waiting for the car, carefully carrying several vials of unknown glowing yellow liquids.

NoName #1 - DOCTOR!!!

Puker - What now?

BZZZT! A phaser blast flies by his head and blows a huge hole in the turbolift shaft doors.

Puker - Crap!

He starts to move sideways but NoName #1 collides with him and they both fall to the floor. The vials Puker was carrying go flying through the hole in the tubrolift and bounce off the wall of the shaft. Puker and NoName #1 look through and watch as the vials all fall a good six decks and shatter at the bottom of deck 20.

NoName #1 - What was in those?

Puker - Oh just some nano–

BZZZZZT! NoName #1 is vaporised and the heat sets Puker's tunic sleeve on fire.

Puker - AH! BURNING!

He runs up and starts smacking his burning arm against Genocide, who promptly wakes up.

Genocide - What the hell?

Puker - FIRE!

Genocide - AH!!! Get away from me!

The fire suppression system finally kicks in and a forcefield forms around Puker's burning arm as he runs in circles, stopping him instantly and causing him to slump back against the field.

Puker - Oof!

The fire extinguishes and the forcefield disengages, and Puker falls to the floor. Genocide trips over him and smacks his head against the wall. Both officers end up losing consciousness. At that moment, Commander Senseless rounds the corner. He looks that the hole in the turbolift doors, then at a patch of burnt carpet which used to be NoName #1, then at the smoke filling the air near the unconscious forms of Doctor Puker and Lieutenant Commander Genocide.

Senseless - Screw it. I'm going back to bed.

He turns around and heads back the way he came.

Opening credits, the only part of the show that's in HD...because the network is cheap.

Scene 2 - Camera is watching the smashed remains of the odd vials as the liquids of two of them slowly mix together. Steam starts to rise from the contact point and suddenly, the entire mixture turns dark green and begins obviously moving toward the wall of the turbolift shaft. It seeps into an air vent and disappears. Camera goes to the briefing room, where the entire senior staff except Senseless, Genocide, Tener, and Puker are sitting around doing very little as usual.

Righteous - So to recap, it's stardate 435974.9 and we've been ordered to deliver some dylithium to a remote Federation colony on the edge of Federation space and then go explore something. Any questions?

Baque - Yeah, why are we three people short?

Then Tener runs in.

Baque - Er, I mean four.

Tener - What did I miss?

Garell - Apparently nothing. We were just discussing the same thing we discussed yesterday.

Righteous - So anything interesting happen? Come on people, we need gossip!

Blavik - The Doctor was working on an experimental treatment for assimilated patients. Does that count as interesting?

Righteous - No that's boring. Did anyone watch Hello Kitty yesterday?

Center - I did sir!

Righteous - Oh good so I'm NOT the only one! Someone owes me money!

NoName #3 (over comm) - Sir, there's an incoming holocommunication from Admiral Nelix.

Righteous - Route him here.

The glowing holographic form of Admiral Nelix appears in the centre of the table.

Nelix - Report! Are you done your delivery yet?

Righteous - Nope, but we're almost there sir. Another few hours.

Nelix - What? You were supposed to be done by now! How fast are you going?

Righteous - You said cruising speed so I looked it up and it says cruising speed is "generally warp six" so that's what I told the helmsman to fly at.

Nelix - I meant the Celestial's cruising speed! Get your asses up to warp 8 to make up the time.

Garell - Oh great that means another week of repairing worn out parts...

Nelix - Shut it Lieutenant-Commander, I'm in a pissy mood.

Baque - (muttering to himself) There's something new.

Nelix - I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you, Lieutenant. Someone turn up the gain on the microphone, and turn up the speakers while you're at it!

Lieutenant Bios starts to open the control panel under the briefing room table.

Nelix - No I didn't mean you!

Too late. Bios accidentally jabs a pointy metal tool into the wrong place and the holoemitters short out.

Bios - Oops.

Nelix (voice only) - I should have known...Alright just get your asses moving faster and get this mission done...God I can't believe I put up with this kind of sht! Nelix out!

Righteous - I think he doesn't like us as much as he used to ever since we helped Chester break out of prison.

Baque - Nah I'm sure he's fine. Now, someone tell me where Genocide, Puker, and Senseless are?

Blavik - I'll go look for them.

She stands up but a NoName over the comm interrupts her.

NoName #4 - NoName #4 to Captain Righteous, I've found Lieutenant Commander Genocide and Doctor Puker unconscious on deck 14. What should I do?

Righteous - Good question. Ensign Blavik?

Blavik - Take them to sickbay, crewman.

NoName #4 - Oh wait, Genocide is waking up. OH SHT! GENOCIDE IS WAKING UP! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Genocide (faintly) - GAH! ASSASSIN!

BZZZZZZZZZZZT!! The channel cuts.

Tener - Why doesn't our ship detect phaser fire?

Bios - Um...sorry.

Righteous - Alright, Chief engineer, get that fixed on the double. Helm boy, speed us up to warp whatever-Nelix-said. Naive Vulcan underling, take the good Doctor and our trigger happy weapons officer to sickbay and tend to their injuries. The rest of you find something productive to do. I'll be in my quarters writing some renewal scrolls and burning them all at once. Any questions?

Baque - Do we have to?

Righteous - Yes.

Baque - Are you sure? Can't we just say we delivered the dylithium and go on our merry way?

Righteous - Hmmm...I'll look into it. In the meantime just do what I told you. Dismissed.

Scene 3 - Camera watches as a pool of dark green liquid moves purposefully toward the glowing blue form of a bioneural gel pack. The liquid crawls up the side of the gel pack and touches the connections at the top. Sparks fly and the gel pack turns bright green and tubules sprout out of it and fly into various sockets around the data-junction. Camera goes to sickbay. Senseless, Blavik and Tener are standing around while Genocide rubs his head and Puker lays still unconscious on a biobed.

Senseless - So, what's the prognosis?

Blavik - When the forcefield engaged around his arm, it send an electrical feedback into his central nervous system. He is lucky to still be alive. He'll be in a coma for a while though.

Senseless turns to Genocide.

Senseless - And YOU! No more playing violent holodeck games right before bed. I'm getting sick and tired of seeing holes blown through the ship and missing persons reports.

Genocide - ...I said I was sorry...gees...

Senseless - Well hopefully no major harm was done. Still, from now on, you are going to be put into restraints every night.

Scene 4 - Main engineering. The engineering crew are running around trying to keep the ship working while more and more power is being requested from the engines to keep up the higher than normal speeds.

Garell - Check that intermix ratio again, it cant be right or those lights would be pulsing in sync. You, keep and eye on the reaction frequencies, I've had a bad feeling about their closeness to the resonance frequency of the dylithium crystal we put in there yesterday. And someone find out why it's so damn hot in here!

NoName #5 - I'm one it, ma'am.

Camera follows the unsuspecting NoName #5 as he checks some console displays.

NoName #5 - There's a power drop happening on Deck 19, near the gel packs that control environmental conditions for the stardrive. I'll check it on.

Garell - OK make it quick.

NoName #5 hops over to a turbolift and goes down to deck 19, where he enters a jefferies tube and crawls over to where he can see a green glow coming from behind an access panel.

NoName #5 - What the hell...

Camera is on his face as he pulls open the panel and nearly shts himself.

NoName #5 - HOLY FU–

An assimilation tubule shoots out of the junction and puts a hole right through his forehead. He drops to the floor dead as a...no-name redshirt from the original series. More tubules start snaking out of the junction and crawl all over the unfortunate officer's lifeless corpse.

Scene 5 - Bios and Tener are walking down a corridor heading for the messhall when the lights start flickering.

Bios - Huh? Something's broken and I'm not somehow related? I'm not trying hard enough apparently.

Tener - Must be a glitch. This is what we get for not testing out that auxiliary warp core at high speeds before using it.

Bios - The warp core doesn't power the lights...weird...

Suddenly the ship jolts to a stop and everyone flies forward. Bios and Tener are thrown a good five metres down the corridor and crash to the floor.

Tener - WHAT THE HELL!?!

The red alert klaxons go off.

Senseless - Senior officers report to the bridge.

Tener - This better be good.

Moments later, everyone except Blavik and obviously Puker are on the bridge.

Righteous - Someone want to tell me why my renewal ceremony exploded in my face and went flying into the wall?

Garell - I can't explain it. One moment all the energy being produced in the warp core was being channelled into the nacelles, and the next it was redirected to secondary systems.

Senseless - How is that possible? Did someone hit the wrong button?

Garell - If they did it wouldn't surprise me. The temperature on decks 13 through 20 has gone up to 39.1 degrees celsius and humidity has shot up to 92. It's practically ready to rain in Main Engineering. Half my staff have gone home with heat exhaustion...

Blavik - They wouldn't have it if you didn't work them so hard.

Garell - Hey, let me run my engine room my way, and I'll let you run your sickbay your way, alright?

Genocide - 39.1...92...where have I heard those numbers before?

Garell - You know, I sent NoName #5 down to find out why the atmospheric controls were screwing up and he hasn't reported back.

Senseless - Oh great, another one bites the dust.

Center - Let's not jump to conclusions, maybe he's just playing a practical joke by bumping the temperature, humidity, and pressure up to levels that are only ever seen on–

Genocide - BORG SHIPS!

Bios - Borg? WHAT?

Baque - Ensign, didn't you say something about the doctor working on a treatment for assimilated patients? How was he testing it?

Blavik - He was injecting nanoprobes into tissue samples and then experimenting on various ways to shut them down. He had been taking vials of nanoprobes to the science lab on deck 14 last night but they were deactivated and didn't pose any threat.

Senseless - Is it possible he reactivated them while working down there last night?

Blavik - Not likely but even so there wasn't any material in the vials for them to use to replicate he only had a dozen or so with him. Unless...

Bios - Ah oh.

Blavik - He was also working with some tissue samples from the radioactive mutant zombie no-names from a planet near Cardassia...if the two samples had mixed the radiation in the zombie tissue samples might have been enough to power up the nano-probes...and provide them with material with which to replicate...

Tener - ARE YOU SAYING THERE COULD BE RADIOACTIVE MUTANT ZOMBIE NO-NAME BORG DRONES WANDERING THE SHIP IN SEARCH OF BRAINS TO ASSIMILATE?????

Blavik - ...It's possible...but unlikely.

Genocide - James, let's go.

Center - We've just lost sensors on deck 19!

Genocide - Suit up! To battle!

Senseless - Garell, Bios, lock out all command functions and start emitting a warning on all frequencies for ships to avoid us.

The bridge lights start flickering.

Senseless - And for God's sake do it quickly.

Scene 6 - Deck 19. Genocide, Tener, and several security guards are walking down the dimly lit corridors carrying nasty looking phaser compression rifles, TR-116 projectile weapons, the works. They spy movement from a nearby junction. They round the corner and see a weird looking Borg drone working on a plasma junction.

Genocide - I see we've found our missing crewman. Get him, boys.

The group opens fire with their weapons. The phaser blasts have absolutely no effect but the TR-116's manage to blow holes through the drone and he falls to the floor, dead.

Tener - Hopefully that was all of them.

The drone starts making weird noises and gets back up.

Tener - Oh son of a bi–

BZZZZT!!!! The security force changes settings and opens fire with everything them have. Eventually the heat from the phasers and the holes blown in various components by the TR-116's cause the drone to explode.

Genocide - Damn that was a lot harder than it should have been. Is everyone OK?

Genocide turns around and sees a black cable coming out of the floor and up right behind one of the NoNames.

Genocide - LOOK OUT!

Too late again. The no-name spins around and the cable slams him to the floor and pumps him full of an unknown liquid.

NoName #6 - OH GOD WHY ME!?!?

Tener - Sir? What do we do?

Genocide puts his TR-116 to NoName #6's head and pulls the trigger. The NoName's head explodes.

Tener - For the best I suppose.

NoName #7 - Jesus Christ! Borg technology doesn't do that!

They all turn at a sound and see Borg technology reconstructing the dead no-name's skull.

Genocide - Oh you got to be kidding me...

NoName #6 jumps to his assimilated feet and punches Tener in the chest, sending him flying into a wall.

NoName #6 - ARRRG!!!!

Genocide - Why!

BANG!

Genocide - Won't!

BANG!

Genocide - You!

BANG!

Genocide - DIE!

BANG!

Even with a bunch of holes blown through his body, the assimilated zombiefied form of NoName #6 advances toward the officers. More cables start punching through the floor and slam the other no-names into the floor or walls or ceiling and pump them full of the zombie virus nano-probes.

Genocide - Lieutenant, I think it's time we took our leave.

They drop their weapons and break into a run as cables and zombies fly at them.

Tener, Genocide - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

They run through a door into the turbolift and punch the emergency close buttons. Tener works the controls and the turbolift starts to rise.

Genocide - That was close...

CLUNK! The turbolift stops rising and starts slowly moving down again. The floor starts to buckle downward. Camera watches as the Borg cables that have latched onto the bottom of the turbolift car tug it down.

Genocide - Genocide to Transporter room 1, we need an emergency site to site transport! Anywhere but where we are now!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzt! They are beamed away seconds before the cables break the floor off and shoot up into the car.

Scene 7 - Briefing room. Everyone except Puker is present. Lights are still flickering.

Senseless - So you're telling me that we now have radioactive mutant zombie BORG no-names running around the ship?

Genocide - Worse. The ship itself is being assimilated and is aiding the zombies in infecting more people.

Tener - The damn things are nearly impossible to kill too! If you shoot off limbs or even their heads the nano-probes in their bodies just build a one.

Senseless - ...I knew I shouldn't have gotten up at all today...Alright we're going to do the thing that we should have done when the zombies originally tried to take over our ship back in Season 1. Evacuate everyone to the forward section and prepare for starship separation. We'll move to a save distance, raise shields, target the warp core, and then hope to God we don't have to beg Starfleet to come get us. Ensign Center, contact Admiral Nelix and advise him of the situation. Genocide, Tener, I want you prepped to go with the largest amount of firepower you can find. No chances this time. And take more qualified no-names with you! Actually on second thought just go alone. Alright, dismissed.

Righteous - What are our odds of living through this?

Senseless - Bad.

The lights flicker more.

Senseless - GO! NOW!

Everyone runs to their stations on the bridge.

Senseless - All hands, evacuate the stardrive and prepare for starship separation.

Dumb klaxons go off and the camera watches as no-names frantically try to remember which way to go. Camera goes back to the bridge.

Center - Why am I considered a senior officer if I'm still an ensign?

Baque - Excellent question. Let's kick him off the bridge and replace him with a no-name!

Center - ...That plan backfired...

Bios - All stations report complete evacuation. We're ready.

Righteous - Ooh I always love this part!

Baque - Initiating starship separation.

Loud clunking sounds can be heard as the mag-locks disengage and the ship splits in two. The– OK that's it, I'm tired of calling it the "forward section." That just sounds too boring. From now on I'm calling it the command module, or CM for short. Any complaints? Excellent.

Camera watches as the "command module" flies a few kilometres away from the stardrive.

Senseless - Lieutenant Bios, scramble the stardrive's computer core.

Bios - Uploading the MyDoom virus now.

Senseless - Genocide, Tener, you have a go.

Tener - Righto.

Genocide and Tener enter the turbolift.

Genocide - Deck 4.

The turbolift doors close. The remaining bridge crew sort of look at each other.

Baque - I'll just be the first to say what we're all thinking here: How much money do you think we could make if we bet on their survival odds?

Garell - Put me down for 60/40 in the zombie's favour.

Scene 8 - Genocide and Tener are walking down a dimly lit and partially assimilated corridor carrying compression phaser rifles and covered in power packs and body armour. Out of nowhere, a shadowy figure starts walking with them. As soon as he speaks we recognize him from the previous episode as that Section 31 agent.

Agent - So what do you think? Can you beat them?

Tener nearly kills the guy, firing a powerful phaser blast just above the guy's shoulder.

Tener - JESUS! Don't DO that! Wait, who are you?

Genocide - It's no one, Lieutenant, you saw nothing. Now, what the HELL are you doing here?

Agent - I've had more time to analyse these nano-probes than your unconscious doctor has. Both borg nano-probes and the zombie virus have one purpose: To replicate themselves and infect more people. Somehow they've decided to team up and make a kind of cybernetic undead hybrid thing.

Tener - Who are you!?!

Agent - I don't need to tell you these things pose a serious threat to the Federation. If you can't stop them, and to be honest I doubt you will, you need to destroy this entire area of space.

Tener and Genocide stop dead in their tracks and look at the shadowy guy.

Genocide - What? How is destroying the stardrive not good enough?

Agent - An antimatter explosion has the heat to destroy organic materials and the electromagnetic intensity to render cybernetic machinery inoperative, but the hybrid cells are immune to both effects. Plus, they'll probably abandon ship as soon as they realize what's happening.

Tener - What, so you're saying blowing up our ship isn't good enough?

Genocide - How do you propose we destroy them then? There aren't any stars in lightyears and even if there were Starfleet wouldn't let us have any trilithium onboard after what happened last time...

Agent - A level 12 shockwave would only spread them across the entire sector. Only one thing has the ability to break them down at the subatomic level and ensure there is no way any surviving materials could escape the blast wave.

Tener - Oh this outta be good. Who the HELL ARE YOU!?!?!?!

Agent - I've unlocked a file on your main computers that contains the steps necessary to synthesise an Omega particle.

Tener - WHAT!?!??! No one has been able to stabilize an omega particle!

Genocide and the Agent turn toward him.

Agent - How do you know about omega particles?

Tener - Mythbusters. I didn't know they were real until you mentioned them.

Genocide - The Federation once managed to synthesise a particle but it exploded, destroying a huge area of space down to the subspace level. It's now an area of the galaxy where warp travel is impossible. You've probably heard of it.

Agent - You'll be able to synthesize one with readily available materials. However, you'll be destroyed unless you can get the existing drones and virus storehouses off the stardrive in time.

Tener - This is insane! Who is this guy?

Genocide - He's just–

The faint sound of a transporter beam is heard and the guy vanishes.

Tener - Damn. Well, so back to our original plan?

Genocide - Chew bubblegum and kick ass? You betcha.

Genocide and Tener raise their phaser rifles and round a corner, spying two Borg zombies working on a plasma relay.

Genocide - Zombify this!

They open fire with their phasers on full power and blow holes through the zombie's chests. The zombies fall over but then one starts to get up again.

Genocide - I said!

He presses the trigger on a photon grenade and tosses it around the corner. He and Tener duck as fire and debris flies out of the corridor and the whole ship shakes violently. They look around and see nothing but a three deck high hole in the ship where the injured zombie stood.

Tener - WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT SET TO!?!?!

Genocide - Maximum. I don't screw around with these things. That's why right now the command module is targeting Main Engineering with a tricobalt torpedo set to maximum yield.

Tener - Why don't we tell the zombies that then?

Genocide - Hey...yeah, so then they can tap into our weapons systems and fire at the Celestial's aft torpedo launcher, blowing up the primed torpedo while it's still in the tube. That's brilliant!

Genocide smacks Tener on the back of the head.

Genocide - PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER SOLDIER! WE'VE GOT A JOB TO DO!

Zombies - Urggg! Resistance is Urgg!!

Tener and Genocide whip around and blow holes in the bulkhead behind the zombies, resulting in hull breaches which suck the zombies out into space. Tener and Genocide hold onto the "anti-get-sucked-out-of-hull-breaches handles" Starfleet finally got around to installing until the emergency force fields engage. As they catch their breath two more zombies round the corner and meander toward them.

Tener - Say, sir, do you remember those buttons the older ships used to have which when pressed caused plasma conduits to overload at various locations and kill people standing next to them?

Genocide - Yeah, what about them?

Tener - I know it took forever for Starfleet to uninstall them, but right about now I wish they hadn't.

The two officers open fire and blow holes in the zombie's bodies. They keep firing until the zombies finally fall to the floor, then shoot them a few more times for good measure.

Bios (comm) - Lieutenant Bios to away team.

Genocide - Go ahead lieutenant.

Bios - Sir, we think we know a way to neutralize the virus-nano probe hybrid...things, but it's gonna take both of you working independently to do it.

Genocide and Tener start running as the presumed dead zombies start to get back up.

Tener - We're all ears!

Bios (comm) - OK, one of you is going to have to flood all the decks with plasma coolant and the other is going to have to use the warp core to release an enormous electromagnetic pulse. Our tests on the samples stuck to your clothes from your first encounter have showed that the combined effect destroys the...things in the zombie's...bodies...Commander? What are we calling them?

Senseless (comm) - Nano-viroids? Does that work?

Righteous (comm) - I like it! Make it so!

Tener - So you want us to kill ourselves doing this or what?

Bios (comm) - Well, we'll pull you out with the transporter just in time.

Genocide - OK we're on our way. Oh, in the mean time, search the computer for new files recently added. You'll find a set of instructions that will let you synthesize an omega particle.

Camera goes to the main bridge, then at the confused faces of everyone.

Senseless - A what? What's an omega particle?

Righteous - Oh there's something I'm supposed to remember about those...hey aren't those the things that go boom and make space non-warpy like?

Genocide (over comm now) - Yes sir. I can't tell you why but we need to detonate one in this area of space to ensure the zombie nano-probes never escape. If they manage to infect a planet, there will be no stopping them. Not even a level 12 shockwave for those of you thinking of using one.

Senseless - Woah, I haven't heard anything about Omega whatchamacallits!

Righteous - Right, only captains and above get to know about them, so don't go around telling people.

Baque - Blow up subspace? How would we get out in time without warp?

Tener (also over comm) - Apparently we need to reintegrate the ship and jump to at least warp 8 within three seconds in order to outrun the blast wave as it moves through subspace.

Bios - Commander, I've found the file.

Genocide (still over comm) - Good. Garell, load the indicated device onto an escape pod or something and get ready to deploy it. At least two zombies made it into space, and we don't know what they'll do when we preform this little plan of yours. Oh, and Ensign Center?

Center - Yes sir?

Genocide - You fk this transporter last-second beam out thing up and I'll kick your ass so hard you'll think an omega particle detonated right behind you!

Scene 9 - Camera watches as Genocide shoots some zombies, reloads his compression rifle, and then goes back to working on the warp core control panel.

Genocide - Genocide to Tener, ready yet?

Camera goes to Tener, who is messing around with the coolant controls in lower engineering.

Tener - Sir, I'm right below you, no need to use the comm!

Genocide - Whatever. Ready?

Tener - Ready as I'll ever be. Who knew there was enough of this stuff to flood the entire ship?

Genocide - Release the coolant!

Camera watches as Tener pushes a button, then goes to various locations around the stardrive as warp coolant vents out of the walls and disintegrates all organic material it comes in contact with. As it passes over a group of zombies, the gas clears and the camera watches as the metallic skeletons of them continue to advance toward main engineering. Suddenly, they stop and break apart into millions of tiny pieces. Camera goes to Genocide who is about to push the button which will activate the EM pulse.

Bios - Bios to Lieutenant-Commander Genocide, the surviving zombies have left the ship! They're coming together into a small vessel just off the port bow!

Genocide looks up and sees a cloud of warp coolant heading his way.

Genocide - Beam us out! NOW!

He pushes the button and is transported away milliseconds before the warp core flashes and a blue, implausible field flies through the ship, causing nano-probes to spark and stop working as they try to leave the ship. Camera goes to the bridge. Genocide and Tener come in and take stations.

Senseless - We got most of them, but the ones that got off the ship have constructed a small craft the size of a shuttle.

Garell - They're building warp engines! That thing is going to get away if we don't stop it soon.

Baque - Reintegrating the ship is almost complete, but I honestly don't think we can jump to warp 8 that fast when we've lost so much coolant. The engines will overheat.

Righteous - Is that a bad thing?

Bios - The zombie ship just jumped to warp 5!

Garell - The escape pod has already been launched! If they get any further away the shockwave won't reach them in time.

Righteous - Ensign, open a channel to the zombie ship.

Center - Channel open sir.

Righteous - Hey, we have something you might be interested in. Omega particles! What's not to like?

Senseless - Sir?

Baque - They're turning around, heading our way at warp 7.

Righteous - Like ants to honey...Read it in a classified book once. Ready helmboy?

Baque turns back to his station.

Baque - (muttering) Stupid son of a...(louder) Yes sir, I'm ready.

Bios - They're in range! They've locked a tractor beam on the pod!

Senseless - Everyone, NOW!

Genocide, Garell, and Baque all push buttons simultaneously. In that instant, a tricobalt torpedo fires out of the back of the ship and heads for the Borg zombie ship's engines. The Celestial's warp nacelles light up like a Christmas tree as the ship prepares to rip the sht out of itself. Also, the escape pod explodes in a blinding white light. Camera goes several hundred million kilometres away where the subspace ripples created by the omega particle detonation allow the light to be seen. As the shockwave rips through the space time continuum, the Celestial warps past, its nacelles red hot. Camera goes to the bridge.

Baque - HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

Camera watches as everyone is pushed back against their chairs as the bridge explodes around them.

Garell - The reaction chamber is half a million degrees right now! If we don't stop it'll explode!

Bios - NOT YET!

Garell - 750 thousand Kelvin! We have to stop!

Baque - We stop now and that subspace shockwave will overtake us. We'll be trapped here for years without warp speed!

Garell - Better that then dead!

Bios - The wave is dissipating! Just a few more seconds!

Garell - Lieutenant, we're out of time!

Camera goes to main engineering. A few no-names are running in and taking stations. The warp core's reaction chamber is glowing white hot and consoles around the room are exploding.

NoName #7 - Oh son of a –

BOOM! A jet of super hot plasma bursts from the port plasma conduit and vaporises the unfortunate crewman. Camera goes back to the bridge.

Bios - Almost there...

Baque - Warp coils are burning out!

Garell - CORE BREACH IN PROGRESS!

Senseless - EJECT THE CORE!

The camera watches as the white hot warp core drops out of the bottom of the ship and promptly explodes. Camera goes to the bridge where the explosion is throwing everyone around the room.

Baque - GAH! We're dropping out of warp!

The viewscreen shows the subspace barrier being crossed as the Celestial comes to a dead stop and sort of floats around.

Righteous - What a ride! We should do it again some time!

Senseless - Lieutenant?

Bios - We've cleared the subspace shockwave.

Everyone lets out a sigh of relief.

Garell - Either way we're fresh out of warp cores and the nearest discount store is really far away so someone better get on the phone to Mom and Dad and ask them for a ride home.

Righteous - OK. We're going to have to draw lots. Ensign, replicate some straws. The person who gets the short one has to tell Admiral Spot what we did.

Senseless - I'm pretty sure that it's your job, Captain.

Righteous - My job is to delegate tasks to others.

Puker (comm) - Doctor Puker to bridge, what's going on?

Senseless - We'll fill you in later, doctor. Glad to see you're awake.

Puker - OK but could engineering send down a repair team? Someone's going to have to pry a few of my medical staff out of the ceiling. Haven't you people ever heard of inertial dampeners?

Scene 10 - All the senior staff are on the bridge and are drawing straws. Blavik gets the short one.

Blavik - Most illogical. Very well, hail Starfleet Command.

Center - Fleet Admiral Spot is responding.

The high ranking feline appears on the viewscreen.

Spot - Why are you guys bothering me? Bug Admiral Nelix, he's your fleet commander.

Righteous - According to directives we're supposed to tell the head of Starfleet about this.

Spot - About what?

Senseless - Ensign?

Blavik pulls a small container labelled "Terellium-D" out of her pocket, snorts a little, and faces the viewscreen.

Blavik - We detonated an omega particle to stop a race of zombie-borg hybrids from escaping and assimilating/infecting the galaxy.

Spot stares at them all for several seconds.

Spot - HAHAHAHA! You had me going there for a minute! Good one!

No one on the bridge even smiles and suddenly Admiral Spot gets very solemn.

Spot - Are you serious? You detonated an omega particle?

Senseless - Yes ma'am. We really didn't have a choice.

Spot - ...And where did you get the information necessary to synthesize one?

Righteous - It magically appeared in our computers, ma'am.

Spot - ...If you'll all excuse me for a minute...

The channel cuts.

Righteous - What do you suppose that was all about?

Bios - Think she's mad?

Baque - Considering she didn't even ask for details I'm guessing yes.

The ship starts to shake. The shaking gets worse and suddenly the crew can hear a very loud sound.

Spot - FK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spot appears on the main viewer again.

Spot - OK I'm better now. So, um, yeah I guess just get to the nearest starbase and get repaired or whatever.

Senseless - Actually we need a ship sent to tow us back.

Spot - Sure, sure, it'll be there in a few hours. As soon as you're all feeling up to it, I want you to get back out into space and shove your noses where they don't belong and explore something. Spot out.

The screen goes back to showing space.

Genocide - Did THAT just happen?

Tener - Why is she being so nice?

Senseless - Because her anger has become so intense it's gone around the universe and come back to where it was from the opposite direction, thus appearing to us as if she is pleased. I doubt we've seen the full fall out from this little mishap of ours...only time will tell...

Scene 11 - Admiral Spot is in her office in San Francisco. A bunch of important looking admirals are milling around and Spot is giving them orders.

Spot - Alright and lastly, I want you to rename the new region of untraversable space as "Lee's Blunder." Dismissed.

The admirals leave the room and Spot looks down at the 30 kilo-quad report she has to fill out.

Spot - (sigh) - God damn it, Righteous...

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	10. Celestial 30

Star Trek: Celestial #30 - Dude, Where's my Starship?

By Swordtail

Started April 19, 2007

Finished May 7, 2007

Scene 1 - Camera watches the USS Celestial fly past at warp speed.

Righteous - Captain's log, stardate 435988.6 or whatever. We're back to exploring again, after several episodes of nothing but explosions and repairs. Starfleet has sent us to explore a region of space just outside the Federation, which hasn't been explored before now because of some kind of stupid energy barrier which apparently bears some resemblance to the one surrounding our galaxy which was encountered in the first episode of The Original Series and never mentioned again. End log.

Camera goes to the bridge. All the senior staff are looking at Righteous and clapping.

Senseless - Congratulations sir, you've recorded your first log entry. Command will be pleased.

Righteous - Wow I didn't know it was as easy and talking into a microphone!

Baque - So this energy barrier that surrounds our galaxy...what's up with that?

Bios - Starfleet has only encountered it twice, and since it's so far from the Federation it's not like we're going to have to deal with it for a while. Anyway, most scientists say it's just a myth Kirk made up to impress everyone back home and get more women to like him, but some think it's actually due to the magnetic field produced by the black hole in the centre of the galaxy.

Center - I thought there was a planet in the centre of the galaxy, something called Shakaree or Eden or something?

Bios - Actually that was about 30 thousand lightyears closer to the Federation...no one had the heart to tell Sybok he was in the wrong place...and no one really cared. That movie was so terrible people just kind of shut off their brains during it.

Garell - Well how thick is this barrier we're going to be passing through?

Genocide - And would blowing it up help us any?

Senseless - HQ thinks it's only a few thousand kilometres thick, but it extends from the top of the galactic plane to the bottom.

Baque - I guess we'll find out in a few seconds. Approaching the barrier.

Righteous - Turn on the flashing red lights, please.

Garell - All damage teams standing by.

Genocide - Aren't you on one of those teams?

Garell - Well, um, I'll fix the bridge then.

Genocide - Whatever...Shields are at maximum. Weapons too.

Senseless - Why do we need weapons to be at maximum?

Genocide - Because "Weapons at maximum" sounds cool.

Baque - Warp field is destabilizing. Dropping to impulse power. Here we go...

The ship starts to shake as the ship enters the barrier.

Genocide - Shields at 99 and holding.

BOOM, ship rocks. A bolt of lightening implausabily strikes the ship.

Genocide - Make that 80 and holding.

Baque - We're entering the bad part. Everyone hang on.

The shaking gets worse. Righteous's coffee mug falls to the floor and shatters. He gets really mad and stands up.

Righteous - OK, that's it! Lieutenant-Commander Garell, first thing you do when we get out of here is install a cup holder in the captain's chair! Got it?

Senseless - Sir sit down before–

Boom, ship rocks, sparks. Righteous gets thrown across the bridge.

Senseless - (sigh) Never mind...

Genocide - Shields at 74.

Baque - We're passing through the thermobaric layer.

Bios - Sensors are down!

Garell - Inertial dampeners are failing.

Ship shakes some more.

Center - Causalities being reported. Nothing serious so far. Just some dead no-names.

Boom, lights flicker, ship rocks, consoles spark.

Baque - Almost through.

The viewscreen goes all fuzzy and looks like someone pulled the cable out of the wall.

Righteous (getting to his chair) - Ah man it was just getting interesting.

Senseless - Lieutenants!

BOOM! Master Systems Display panel at the back of the bridge starts spazing out and red blobs appear all over it indicating failing systems.

Garell - Warp drive is offline!

Baque - Hang on I think we're through!

Sure enough the shaking stops.

Bios - Sensors are coming back online.

Center - Sir, there's someone out there. We're being hailed. Audio only.

Senseless - Let's hear it.

Alien Voice - Identify yourselves!

Senseless - This is the Starship Celestial, we're here representing the United Federation of Planets.

Bios - Three ships. Off our port bow.

Alien Voice - Federation scum! Prepare to be destroyed!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks!

Genocide - They've opened fire!

Righteous - Prophets damn it how come every one in the galaxy hates us!?!?!

Opening credits, and pie. Don't forget the pie.

Scene 2 - Camera watches as the three unidentified ships continue to besiege the Celestial. On the bridge...

Senseless - Ensign, hail them again!

Center - No response, sir.

Genocide - Commander our shields are failing.

Senseless - Alright, target the lead ship's weapons array. ONLY their weapons! I want them disabled, not destroyed!

Genocide - Fine...firing phasers.

Center - Their weapons are offline.

Righteous - Try hailing them again.

Center - They're responding. The other two ships are holding position and still targeting us.

A being that looks like a cross between a tellerite and a klingon appears on screen.

Alien Captain - What do you want!

Senseless - We want to know why you're firing on us.

Alien Captain - Because you said you were from the Federation! The last time you invaded our space you killed thousands of our people!

Righteous - I think there's been a misunderstanding. We just got here.

Alien Captain - Lies! The only reason we've stopped firing is because it furthers the plot...and we have nothing to fire with...

Senseless - Why don't we all power down our weapons and talk this over.

Alien Captain - That's what your last ship said! Then as soon as we lowered our shields to beam our diplomatic party aboard you destroyed our ships!

Righteous - Nope, that doesn't sound like us. You must have heard them wrong. Federation starships are always the ones getting tricked and fired upon, not the other way around.

Senseless - Why don't we talk this over. We'll lower our shields and you can keep yours up if you want.

Alien Captain - How do I know this isn't another trick?

Senseless - The other option is we keep shooting at each other. If you didn't notice, we took out your weapons with a single shot.

Alien Captain - Fine! But my other two ships will maintain their weapons lock. If I'm captured or killed, you'll be destroyed.

Righteous - Sounds fair.

Senseless - Genocide, lower shields.

Genocide - Alright...shields down.

Alien Captain - I'm sending transport coordinates. You may beam us aboard.

Senseless - Ok. Celestial out.

The viewscreen goes back to looking at the three ships.

Senseless - All senior staff report to the briefing room in 15 minutes. (Looks at bridge crew) Let's get to the bottom of this before we have to spend a week repairing ourselves...again.

Scene 3 - All the senior staff are in the briefing room when two security guards lead in the alien captain and an alien no-name.

Alien Captain - I am Captain Crell of the Barenian starship Alcohol.

The no-name yellow-shirts snicker.

Senseless - You two, get out!

The snickering no-names leave the room and the doors close.

Crell - This is my nameless assistant. We've brought the proof you wanted.

Senseless - Lieutenant Bios, if you please?

Bios gets up and uploads the "proof" onto the wall monitor. An image of an Excelsior class starship firing phasers and torpedoes appears on the screen. After a few seconds, the screen goes blank.

Crell - That's the last transmission we got from our greeting party.

Righteous - Did the ship say who they were?

Crell - The only thing they said was that they were from the United Federation of Planets.

Baque - When did this take place?

Nameless Assistant - Almost a month ago. Ever since, we've had ships go missing and then turn up in a cloud of debris. The latest attack happened only a few days ago. Since the first encounter, we haven't been able to even get within visual range of the ship. Your engines are far superior to ours.

Senseless - This doesn't make sense. We haven't sent a ship out this far before. It was considered too dangerous to cross the barrier. That's why Starfleet sent us, because no one really cares if we get destroyed.

Crell - Well one of your ships obviously did get through.

Senseless - We recently came out of a war with the Breen. We lost hundreds of ships, and some vanished without a trace.

Genocide - Think maybe this could have been one of those unknown disappearances? Like the Valiant?

Righteous - The what?

Puker - Even so, I doubt the crew would try to start another war. Besides, a month ago the war was well over. This barrier is also quite a way from Breen space.

Blavik - Perhaps it is another ship simply masquerading as one of ours.

Bios is studying the sensor data with Garell.

Bios - Nope. It's ours. The power signature matches perfectly. So do the weapons signatures. Everything says it's an Excelsior class ship, probably a fairly new one.

Garell - And these life sign readings are human, vulcan, bolion, you name it. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Tener - So one of our ships is giving the Federation a bad name and doesn't care?

Crell - Worse than that. Our government is considering this an act of war. Even though you say you have nothing to do with this, our people want revenge. We've been gaining allies and are preparing to invade Federation space.

Baque - Just what we need, ANOTHER war...

Senseless - Not if we can help it. Captain Crell, with your permission, we'd like to track down this rogue ship of ours and stop it from causing any more harm. If you'd like, you can come with us.

Crell - I'll have to contact my superiors, but I think they'll agree. Either that or they'll send a taskforce to destroy you. But either way, you'll have time to chase down this ship or yours. I'll volunteer to remain aboard your ship so the network doesn't have to pay more actors.

Senseles - Agreed. Ensign Center will arrange some quarters for you. We'll be in the seldom-used astrometrics lab mapping the area in an attempt to find our ship. Dismissed.

Everyone gets up and starts to leave.

Baque - I wonder if we're actually going to do anything this episode or just spend our time setting stuff up?

Garell - Meh.

Scene 4 - Astrometrics lab. Senseless walks in to find Bios and Center playing Mortal Combat on the big screen.

Computer - FATALITY!!!!!

Bios - HA! In your face!

Center - No fair you broke my controller!

Bios - You were doing fine there for a good three seconds at the start, so don't blame it on the controller!

Senseless - REPORT!

Both lower-ranking officers jump in their seats and toss the Sega Genesis across the room.

Bios - We found their warp trail, but it's really old..ish.

Center - The entire crew probably went crazy. We didn't because the Celestial is outfitted with multi-phasic shields. Frankly that's the only explanation I bothered to think of. Most modern ships are outfitted with such shields but who knows.

Senseless - Do you have proof?

Center - No sir but I'm working on it.

Senseless - Well let me know when you're–

Blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrb! The red alert klaxons go off and everyone jumps.

Senseless - Jesus! Why are those so loud?

NoName #1 - All senior staff report to the bridge.

Scene 5 - All the bridge officers run onto the bridge.

Righteous - What's the emergency?

NoName #1 - There isn't one. I just wanted to turn on the flashing red lights.

Senseless - Crewman, unless there's a real emergency, don't use the red alert lights and klaxons to piss everyone off!

Genocide - Permission to kill him, sir?

Senseless - Later. Right now, someone tell me why this moron over here wanted us to come to the bridge.

Bios - Ooh, sensors have located a Federation warp signature.

Senseless - Set a course, warp 9!

Camera watches as the Celestial does a 180 degree turn, flips over, does a complete barrel roll in the opposite direction, and jumps to warp. Camera goes to the bridge, where half the no-names are puking their guts up all over the carpet.

Senseless - (ick) That manoeuver was a little excessive, don't you think, Lieutenant?

Baque - Nowhere in the manual does it say I can't do that.

Bios - The ship is in range of our short range sensors.

Righteous - Put it up on the viewey thingy please.

An Excelsior Class ship appears on screen.

Baque - They've seen us and are heading this way.

Senseless - Hail them, ensign.

Center - Aye, sir...I'm getting a response.

Righteous - Let's see it.

Beep! The viewscreen turns a light shade of blue and happy faces appear in the corners. The words "Please hold, your hail IS important to us!" scroll around the screen and jazzy music can be heard playing. Puker enters the bridge just in time to see the words before they change to "All of our communications officers are currently busy, but will help you as soon as they are able. Please stay on the line."

Senseless - Why aren't you in sickbay?

Puker - Because this episode has absolutely no point to it! It's a waste of my time! What kind of plot are we dealing with here? We're chasing a ship that's attacking a bunch of aliens we've just met, after crossing through a dumb energy barrier into an uncharted part of the galaxy? No offense to anyone here but we're ripping off about five different episodes of TOS, TNG, and probably DS9! I'm getting sick of these dumb filler episodes that the writer makes just to keep himself from going crazy with boredom! I refuse to do any work until we get a plot!

Genocide - Doctor, you spent the last episode unconscious, and you haven't done any medical work in a good month. I'll say what we're all thinking here: Get your ass back down to sickbay and stop complaining about things!

Puker - ...Damn it people I'm a doctor not a stage prop!

Bios - What does that have to do with anything?

Before he can answer, the screen changes to showing a Starfleet ensign who looks like he's either really drunk or really stoned. Probably both.

Ensign - (in stereotypical hippy-like voice) Yo, dude, like how's it going, and stuff?

Senseless - Ensign I want to talk to your commanding officer.

Ensign (looking around) - Sorry man, she's like, not here, or something...

Senseless - Well could you go get her for us, please?

Ensign - Well, alright, but it's gonna like take a while. This ship is reeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyy big, you know? Just stay right there I'll be back in a jiffy!

Senseless - Wait–!

Beep! The hold screen comes back on and the jazzy music starts to play again.

Righteous - He seemed really nice. I hope they promote him soon.

Center - (muttering) I wouldn't doubt it...

Puker - Judging by the bloodshot eyes and apparent inability to comprehend his surroundings, I'd have to say our contact was high as a kite.

Baque - That's your expert medical opinion?

Puker - Just fly the damn ship.

Baque - Ooh pissy mood today...

Senseless - Doctor, find Lieutenant Tener and Ensign Blavik and meet me in transporter room 2 in five minutes.

Righteous - Are you going on an away mission?

Senseless - Someone has to figure out what's going on and I doubt talking to them will tell us anything.

Righteous - I want to go! I'm the captain so–

Senseless - Starfleet regulations say you have to stay here. Look it up if you want.

Righteous - I will! Girl who breaks stuff a lot, bring me the Starfleet manual!

Bios (finding manual on computer) - I wonder, does he spend time to figure out names for us all or do they just pop into his demented head?

Scene 6 - Senseless, Tener, Puker, Blavik, and a two no-name yellow shirts, all wearing environmental suits, materialize in the Excelsior's transporter room.

Senseless - Alright, Blavik, NoName's # 2 and 3, go to Engineering and try to reroute systems to the bridge, in case we need to. Tener, Puker, and I will try to find the captain.

Blavik - Understood sir.

The two no-names look at each other.

NoName #2 - We're dead, aren't we?

NoName #3 - Death is part of the job, buddy.

Blavik - Come on you two. Stop being illogical and hurry up. We don't have all day.

The three low-ranking officers leave down one corridor. The higher ranking officers leave down another. Camera goes with them.

Senseless - Doctor, anything in the air we shouldn't be breathing?

Puker - You mean besides the artificially produced oxygen and nitrogen molecules?

Senseless - Yes, besides those.

Puker - I'm picking up large amounts of an air-born form of tetra-9-hydro-cannabinol.

Tener - In English, please?

Puker - Incinerated marijuana. It explains the weird behaviour of the crew. Simply put, they're higher than Ozzy Osborne on a bad day.

Senseless - Send these scans to Lieutenant Bios, maybe she can figure out a cure.

Tener - Shouldn't we just try curing it with Canadian beer?

Puker - Nah, we don't have enough, and frankly I don't feel like sharing it with these bozo's. We should try to find the source of the highness and shut it down.

Senseless - That would probably be in their environmental control section, wherever that is. I'm not familiar with the layout of Excelsior class ships.

Tener - Didn't you work on the USS Citadal for a while, sir?

Senseless - I also worked in a Starfleet run insane asylum for a few months but you don't see anyone remembering that now do you?

They walk over to a wall monitor.

Tener - We can use this to find out the name of the ship.

Senseless - Good, because for some reason no one thought of just looking at the hull lettering or identifying the transponder signals.

Tener turns on the flickering monitor and presses a few buttons.

Tener - No, that's impossible...

Senseless - USS Citadel? But she was destroyed! It crashed into the Lunar colony over a year ago! How could it be out here?

Puker - Would anyone have actually told us if that ship had been repaired?

Senseless - I doubt it...Wait...did the USS Citadel even have a captain? I don't remember ever seeing him or her around.

A goofy-acting woman in her mid thirties bounces past, joints in hand, wearing the rank pins indicating she's a captain.

Citadel's Captain - WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! THIS IS FUN!!!!

SMACK! She runs into a wall and falls down.

Puker, Senseless, Tener (at each other) - Found her.

Puker goes over and pulls a can of Alexander Keith's out of his toolkit. He opens it an gives it to the captain who is stoned out of her mind.

Senseless - Doctor, is that can of beer standard issue now in medical kits?

Puker - Ever since the Enterprise first shoved weed into a warp core, cans such as these are kept on hand for just such emergencies.

Tener - You were right, this episode has pretty much no plot to it.

Puker - You think? Ok she's coming around.

Senseless - Hi. I'm Commander Jack Senseless of the USS Celestial. Do you know where you are?

Citadel's Captain - Yes...I'm on the Citadel. I think.

Puker starts scanning her.

Puker - The super-weed is still in her system. It could take some time to purge but I expect she'll make a full recovery.

Senseless - What's your name captain?

Citadel's Captain - I don't have a name...

Puker's tricorder starts frantically beeping. He lowers it and a sombre expression crosses his face.

Puker - I'm sorry sir, there's nothing I can do. Injured no-names just can't be saved...

Senseless - Damn it doctor, we need answers and this woman is the only person who can give them to us! Senseless to Celestial.

Center (over comm) - Ensign Center here, sir.

Senseless - We've found the captain of the USS Citadel, that's the ship by the way, but she has no name. I want you all to get on finding out what her name is before she dies and we lose all hope for finding out what happened here. And before you ask the obvious question, the main computer seems damaged. Come on guys, hurry, the doctor's tricorder is saying she's about to flatline!!!

Camera goes to the Celestial's bridge. All the no-names, recognizing a kindred spirit, start frantically accessing the main computer and trying to find out what the screwed no-name captain's name actually is. Camera goes back to the Citadel, where the captain of the Excelsior-class ship is quickly slipping into a coma.

Puker - Commander we don't have much time!

Center (over comm) - Got it! Starfleet records that the USS Citadel is commanded by a Captain Amy Castanea!

Puker's tricorder stops frantically beeping and Captain Castanea opens her eyes.

Puker - She's stabilizing. Good work Ensign.

Center (still over the god damned comm system) - Glad to help, sir. Celestial out.

Senseless - Alright, now, Amy is it? Who cares. Captain, could you tell us what happened here? Why is the Citadel attacking ships in this region of space. Better yet, why are you even in this region of space?

Castanea - First, do you have any more of that beer...?

Scene 7 - Briefing room of the USS Celestial. Righteous, Genocide, Baque, Garell, Center, Blavik, and Bios are sitting around looking bored as Senseless, Puker, and Tener come in.

Blavik - NoName's 2 and 3 are dead for your information. But I don't remember how or why they died.

Righteous - Now who ordered a briefing and didn't tell me why!

Baque - Say isn't it prayer time, sir?

Righteous - Har, har, for your information I've been attending RFA, or Religious Fanatics Anonymous and I'm now able to go more than an hour without praying to the Prophets...slightly more than an hour...OK I prayed before I came here, happy now?

Senseless - Well...remember those nice people we met when we first got here?

Genocide - Vaguely. What about them?

Senseless - Well, according to the good Captain Castanea, the Citadel was sent in here by Admiral Nelix a month ago, mainly because Admiral Nelix hates them almost as much as he hates us.

Tener - Typical.

Senseless - So anyway, I guess the paperwork just didn't get through to me and we all continued to think the Citidal was still a pile of scrap metal on the face of the moon.

Righteous - I helped with the paperwork!

Senseless - Right...So they came in here, and were greeted by our friends, who quickly discovered the Federation had far superior weaponry and they wanted it. They offered the Citadel a token of their "good will" and gave them super-weed, which incapacitated the entire crew. Unfortunately, the plan backfired and they ended up being attacked by the high Citadel.

Garell - It also increased their warp core efficiency by about 30, thus ensuring the Barenians never caught them.

Senseless - What the Barenians didn't count on was our ability to counter the super-weed. We've shut down the Citadel's primary environmental systems and have stopped the influx of new cannabis sativa vapour, now it's just a matter of curing the entire crew.

Puker - We don't have enough Canadian beer and it's too volatile to replicate en mass! We'll have to send them to the nearest Starbase and let someone else deal with them.

Senseless - True, and the Barenians have gone to Plan B, which is gain political support for a war on the Federation. With the outside help they have they could easily conquer several planets and have plenty of technology at their disposal to really eff up the Prime Directive.

Blavik - But how can we stop the Barenians from seizing the Excelsior if we disable it and tow it home?

Righteous - Well my naive vulcan underling, it just so happens that I have a plan...

Baque - Does it involve us NOT going to live with the Prophets?

Righteous - Oh right, you guys fear death...I forget these things.

Center - Isn't super-weed fatal in long term doses?

Puker - Check the life sign count on the Citadel. You'll find it's down 75.

Senseless - Alright, think people, we need a _good _plan...

Scene 8 - San Francisco, Starfleet HQ. Admiral Nelix is moving some papers around on his desk, singing various tunes.

Nelix - It's a lovely day in the neighbourhood, a lovely day in the something something, something somethign, something something...

Beep! His laptop starts telling him there's an incoming transmission.

Nelix - Computer, display message.

Fleet Admiral Spot appears on the screen. And she doesn't look happy.

Spot - _Admiral!_ Did you order the USS Celestial into that area of space bordered by a high-discharge thermobaric cloud?

Nelix - Um...yes...

Spot - After you sent the USS Citadel in there a month ago and it hasn't been heard from since?

Nelix - Uh...

Spot - I owe you a glass of milk! Spot out!

Beep! Screen goes off.

Nelix - ...Cool!

Scene 9 - Camera is on some random planet in a random building. A Barenian guy who looks important is addressing a bunch of other people who look like a bunch of humanoid Star Wars rejects.

Barenian - ...And not only has the Federation ship failed to _destroy_ the marauder, it is now actively helping to repair it! This is an outrage and proves once and for all that the Federation means to conquer us, like they have with over 150 other worlds! I have no choice but to order a preemptive strike on the Federation. Our forces are ready to cross the energy barrier and destroy all that oppose us on the other side! You have seen the evidence for yourself, now who's with us??

Everyone in the room starts cheering "Death to the Federation" and stuff like that.

Barenian - Excellent...

The Linux penguin waddles by. Everyone stops cheering and sort of looks at it until it goes out of sight.

Barenian - Uh...DEATH TO THE FEDERATION!

Scene 10 - "Gothic Power" by X-Ray Dog plays as a massive alien armada of thousands of ships drops out of warp (yeah the flash would probably be blinding) and approaches the energy barrier. Camera zooms toward the barrier and sees the USS Celestial and Citadel parked right in front of the hostile fleet. Camera goes to the Celestial's bridge. All senior staff except Greaser and Puker are present.

Senseless - Celestial to Captain Castanea...

Baque - Try saying that three times fast.

Castanea (over comm) - Citadel here. Go ahead, Commander.

Senseless - Are you ready?

Castanea (comm) - The probes are in place. I doubt they'll last more than a few seconds though. You won't be able to use them.

Senseless - Just get your part of the plan done, and we'll do our part.

Castanea (comm) - My part would be a lot easier if someone would send over some more Canadian beer...hint, hint, nudge, nudge.

Righteous - Will Bajoran Springwine work?

Blavik - No, sir. Stop suggesting it please.

Castanea - It was worth a try. Citadel out. God I can't believe I have to deal with these bastards...

Camera goes to the bridge of the Citadel.

Castanea - Helm, prepare to jump to warp 9 as soon as the hole opens.

NoName #4 - Hey ma'am, like chill out. You need a little something to calm down. I think I have one somewhere around here.

NoName #4 starts looking for a joint when the angry captain comes over and swats him out of his chair.

Castanea - I have to do everything myself...Thankfully the Celestial routed all ship's functions to the bridge.

NoName #4 - Whatever you say, cap'n...Oh god this is good sht...duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

BZZZT!! Castanea gets fed up and stuns the annoying helmsman with a phaser. She then pushes some buttons and five probes placed at the energy barrier light up like a Christmas tree and fire some kind of energy beam into the barrier, forcing open a hole of clear space. The Citadel quickly jumps to high warp and the probes burn out and the hole closes. Camera goes to the Celestial's bridge.

Righteous - So go over this plan again? Don't we need the Citadel to help us destroy these sinners? And didn't we need that hole to get through? Didn't you say those were our only multiphasic probes? I don't get it!

Genocide - We went over the plan like 5 times! Do we have to go over it again.

Senseless - Sir, just think of it as a TV show. Sit back, eat some pop-corn, and don't do anything to interfere with us.

Center - Sir, the ships are closing on our position. Looks like they're trying to trap us.

Bios - Just as we planned. Just a few more seconds and they'll all be in visual range.

Tener - Let's just hope this works.

Bios - Trust me, I can hack a few communications systems no problem. The hardest part will be convincing them we're telling the truth.

Genocide - If they don't believe us, this will be a short battle - The worst kind. I personally prefer long bloody battles with lots of explosions.

Senseless - Personally I prefer not getting the crap kicked out of us like we always do.

Center - Five seconds to weapons range.

Senseless - Lieutenant, open channel.

Bios - Channel open sir, all ships are hearing us wether they like it or not.

Senseless - This is Commander Senseless of the Federation starship Celestial. We have reason to believe that the Barenians are misleading you all into a war with us. I should inform you this is a war you can not win. Moments ago, the USS Citadel returned to Federation space and has informed Starfleet, our military body, of your plans. By the time you reach our nearest world, you will be met with a massive Federation armada, which you can't hope to defeat. This is a needless war brought on by greed. Stand down or be embarrassed.

Genocide - Well I'll be. They're holding fire.

Senseless (continuing) - The Barenians are attempting to goad you all into helping them to acquire advanced Federation technology. This technology could possibly be used to attack you all. The USS Citadel's crew were poisoned by a compound that we have banned for centuries - Super weed. It resulted in the crew getting high and thinking they saw Borg everywhere, thus resulting in the destruction of all your ships. Side effects include death.

Center - We're being hailed. I'm also detecting a flurry of comm activity between all ships.

Senseless - On screen.

Captain Crell appears on the screen and he looks pissed off.

Crell - How dare you spout these lies to our allies! For this you should be destroyed! Stand down and prepare to be boarded!

Senseless - Um...no. Bios, reopen that channel to all ships.

Bios - You're on.

Senseless - We're transmitting sensor and communications logs from the Citadel which show the Barenians giving the Citadel the super-weed. Of course you have no reason to trust that they're real, but ask yourself one question: Knowing the Barenians, is this kinda like something they'd do? And if you say yes to that, ask yourself another question: Do you feel lucky?

Genocide - All ships are powering down their weapons...wait...the Barenians aren't. They're closing in. 230 ships!

Senseless - Close channel. Shields to maximum. Ready all weapons!

Genocide - Way ahead of you, sir.

Baque - Taking evasive action.

Center - All the other ships are powering their weapons up too.

Righteous - I thought this was over! I'm out of pop-corn!

Senseless - Doesn't look like they bought it.

Genocide - The Barenians are opening fire.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - Shields at 95. Wait...all the other ships are opening fire!

Senseless - Brace yourselves!

Center - They're not firing at us!

Camera watches as the Barenian ships get the crap kicked out of them by all the other ships. The Barenian's quickly jump to warp, and half the other ships go in pursuit. Camera goes back to the Celestial's bridge, where everyone is cheering.

Senseless - That went well!

Center - Incoming transmission from one of the ships, they say they're sorry to have caused us any inconvenience and they wish us well.

Righteous - I like this movie!

Scene 11 - The Celestial pulls up to a Starbase somewhere. The Citadel can be seen nearby.

Righteous - Captains log, stardate 435997.3. Someone said today was Canada Day, whatever that means. Anyway, we've pulled into Starbase 115 for reassignment, and to check up on the Citadel. Admiral Nelix apparently nearly fainted when we both emerged from that energy barrier. The crew decided to have a small get-together in the observation lounge at the rear end of the ship. I'm doing this log entry to kill time since it takes so long to get back there...stupid observation lounge...

Righteous walks into the Celestial's observation lounge, out of breath, at the very back of the stardrive section. All senior staff, some no-names, and Captain Castanea are inside drinking and having fun.

Puker - Well, I must say, for an episode that started out with absolutely no plot or storyline to think of, we did pretty well this week, and all's well that ends well, as I commonly say.

Tener - And I think we all learned a valuable lesson today.

Center - What would that be, sir?

Baque - Ooh, I know this, it's don't trust goofy forehead aliens?

Garell - Don't accept gifts from strangers?

Genocide - Don't cross energy barriers?

Blavik - All of the above?

Tener - I was going to say "Don't follow Admiral Nelix's orders" but those are all valid points.

Righteous - How about "Don't stick your nose where it doesn't belong?"

Castanea - Shut up Righteous, no one likes you.

Righteous - Get off my ship!

Castanea - I can't, mine's being cleaned and most of my crew is dead.

Righteous - Well...don't be mean.

Baque - I like this woman, I wanna transfer now. Anyone who openly mocks our idiotic captain and gets away with it is gold as far as I'm concerned.

Senseless - So...where is the Citadel off to next?

Castanea - Beats me. I just usually pick a random direction and fly off until an adventure finds us.

Baque - Same here.

Garell - Why don't we try standing still for a while?

Senseless - Because that's not what we get paid for.

Garell - We don't get paid, commander, and I'm not letting it go until that changes.

Pause...

Righteous - Doesn't normally something bad happen that causes someone to yell out, "god damn it?"

Pause...

Righteous - This episode sucked.

Scene 12 - Earth, San Francisco. Admiral Nelix is walking along a hallway at Starfleet Headquarters.

Nelix - ...This better be good, fing fleet redeployment? What's that all about...

He enters an office where Admiral Ross is holding a PADD.

Ross - Guess which two ships magically reappeared after being sent through an energy barrier never to be seen again?

He throws the PADD at the floor and Admiral Nelix reads it.

Nelix - Great there goes my afternoon. DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	11. Celestial 31

Star Trek: Celestial #31 - Rapid Decent, Part I

By Swordtail

Started May 8, 2007

Finished May 16, 2007

Previously on Star Trek: Celestial...

You can either re-read the various episodes or just kind of follow along:

Celestial 5 - Chester the cat becomes head of the Orion Syndicate

Celestial 11 - It's revealed that the Orion Syndicate has some dealing with the Gorn.

Celestial 14 - A warp signature is found on a moon in a pre-warp system. Before the crew can investiagte, the Cardassians show up just to piss everyone off. The pre-warp planet then explodes in an antimatter blast from an unknown source. Nothing gets figured out...until now...haha just kidding!

Scene 1 - Camera pans around a planet and spies a sign that says "Federation minimum security prison." A guard signs some papers as Vulcan Guy aka Logic Man exits the prison.

Guard - Now, we're letting you out a few years early, because self-sentencing because of a theme song is now illegal in the Federation. Now get out.

Logic Man - I fail to see the logic in that determination, but I will do my best to follow it. So long, Fred.

Logic Man, now dressed in his white robes and wearing the white mask, walks out into the bright sun of whatever planet the prison is on. He walks down the streets of the city he's in and happens to glance upward, then back down. He stops when out of the top of his eye he spies a really bright flash. Everyone on the street stops what they're doing and looks up, to see a huge explosion coming from something in orbit. Debris from some kind of station starts to rain down on the planet, lighting up the sky. Someone obviously knows their astronomy and says:

Random Person - Oh my god! The starbase has been destroyed!

Other Person - But who would do such a thing? Why? Oh the humanoidity!

A siren goes off and Starfleet security personal beam in from somewhere and start moving people indoors. Logic Man goes up to one of them.

Logic Man - Excuse me, would you be so kind as to tell me what's going on?

NoName #1 - Don't know. The Starbase frantically rang in they had found a bomb and then a second later the whole facility exploded. Starfleet Command is sending in a Starship to help with the investigation. They'll be here in a few hours.

Logic Man - A bomb? As in _sabotage?_

NoName #1 - Uh...most bombs usually mean sabotages, yes.

Logic Man - This looks like a job for...

He sticks his arm up in the air and looks important.

Logic Man - LOGIC MAN!!!!!!

Dun dun dun...A temporal portal opens an a targ wearing a matching set of robes and mask plops down next to the vulcan.

Binky - Whee!

Logic Man - And his sidekick, Binky the Mistreated Targ!!!

Opening Credits...sort of. They've been slightly changed...Instead of showing the ship flying around it shows Logic Man and Binky the Mistreated Targ fighting illogic and crime and stuff like that...this is the theme song, which is set to a gutted version of the Spiderman theme song...

Logic Man, Logic Man!

Does whatever a Vulcan can!

Wears a corny logical disguise!

Fights illogic, before your eyes!

Look out, here comes the logic man!

Is he smart? Listen up

He's got standard green Vulcan blood

The IDIC's mightier that the sword

Logic is, it's own reward!

Look out, here comes the Logic Man!

The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few

And that's the philosophy he'll stick too

Nothing will stop him from his mission,

Except an illegal gas emission.

Look out, here comes the Logic Man!

Here comes the logic man!

Here comes the logic maaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!

(By Swordtail...ahem)

Scene 2 - Earth, Spacedock. Fleet Admiral Spot is in her office, typing on her computer and barking orders at the other admirals who are milling around, all looking serious.

Spot - I don't care what you think you've found, go over every starbase with a fine toothed comb again. I want every starship out into clear space five minutes ago. Admiral Spot to Ops.

NoName #2 (comm) - Ops here, go ahead ma'am.

Spot - How it going with the evacuation?

NoName #2 - 50 are already down on the surface. It'll take another hour to get the rest out of here. I suggest you go now, ma'am.

Spot - No, I need to coordinate fleet operations and this is the best place to do it. I'll go with the last batch. Keep me informed. Spot out.

Admiral Ross walks up to her.

Admiral Ross - Ma'am, we've sent ships to all the bombing sites. Most are arriving as we speak.

Spot - Any problems?

Ross - Uh...we had to send the USS Celestial to the one near Sigmus 5.

Spot - Oh brilliant. See, it's stuff like _that_ that makes my tail flick. I'll contact them.

Spot hops over to her desk communicator and presses a button.

Spot - Fleet Admiral Spot calling USS Celestial, come in Commander Senseless.

Pause...

Senseless (comm) - Celestial here. Go ahead ma'am.

Spot - OK I know you've never done sht like this before but this is really serious. Alright? Don't f this up! I mean it!

Senseless - You can count on us...OK you can count on me, ma'am...and Lieutenant Tener says he'll do his best too...

Spot - Alright just make sure–hang on, I've got Picard on the other line. Spot out.

She clicks a button.

Picard (comm) - Admiral...

Spot - Damn it Picard, I told you, it HAS to be the Enterprise that picks up bread and milk on the way home, you're the only ship in the sector!

(Sorry to whomever made up that line but it was too funny to leave out).

Scene 3 - Camera is on the Celestial as it drops out of warp and approaches a cloud of debris surrounding a planet.

Senseless - First officer's log, stardate 436063.6. We have arrived at Sigmus 5, the site of the late Starbase 231, which was destroyed only a few hours ago by some sort of bomb. It is one of twenty three Starfleet starbases throughout the Federation which have been either destroyed or heavily damaged by similar explosives. Starfleet has asked us to lead the investigation at this particular site, and to gather as much information as we can to help the main taskforce heading this investigation. End log.

Camera goes to the bridge. All senior staff are present and looking at the wreckage on the viewscreen.

Genocide - (whistles)...Impressive. Off the top of my head I can only think of a few devices that would make that big of an explosion.

Righteous - Woah...It's a good thing nobody got hurt by that.

Everyone turns to look at him.

Baque - Are you fing retarded?

Bios - Over 1000 people were killed on this station alone!

Righteous - Sucks to be them. So why are we here.

Senseless - Computer replay my log recording from time index 16:54–

Righteous - Computer belay that. I want the abridged version.

Garell - We're here to find out why someone would bomb a starbase.

Righteous - Oh bombing? Well, that rules out Prophetic involvement. Noone who prescribes to follow the path to enlightenment would blow up something.

Senseless - Exactly sir. Exactly...Lieutenant Tener, Lieutenant Bios, you'll lead the investigation. You're authorized to take the Captain's Yacht–

Righteous - That's my yacht!

Baque - You never use it.

Genocide - I armed it with phasers.

Senseless - Get back on track. Alright, Lieutenant-Commander Garell, go with them.

Garell - Oh, sure, send the blue person out into a bomb zone...

Puker - If you're tired being blue, I could alter your skin pigment chemically. You could be whatever colour you wanted to be.

Garell (looking at him with one eye opened further than the other) - Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmm...no.

Puker - Suit yourself.

Blavik - With your permission, sir, I'll head down to the planet. A starship was hit by the explosion and suffered casualties. I should go help treat them.

Senseless - Good idea. Doctor, go with her.

Puker - What!? I don't think so! You can't make me!

Blavik does the vulcan neck pinch on him and drags him by the foot into the turbolift.

Scene 4 - Scene is on a dark street. It's night and raining. Logic Man, now dressed as Vulcan Guy (aka Plorik) in a trench coat and one of those trench coat hats, is walking down the street.

Logic Man (voiceover/narration) - The mood throughout the Federation, and especially here on Sigmus 5, was sombre. Everyone feels saddened by the recent events. I of course feel nothing. While my trusty sidekick Binky stays and guards the motel room, I thought I'd pay a visit to the city's hospital, and interview some of the survivors of the starship that had been caught in the blast wave as it was leaving the station. Perhaps they detected something that might help me.

Plorik/Logic Man/Vulcan Guy/ah screw it enters a building marked "Hospital" in several languages. He walks through the crowded hallways and enters a large room. He starts looking for victims that can still talk and spies Blavik and a groggy Puker treating some of them. Plorik freaks out when he recognizes them.

Plorik - Logic damn it! What are _they_ doing here? Well, it's a good thing I have a secret identity..

He goes up to the two Celestial officers and pulls out his Federation Security badge and shows it to them.

Plorik - I'm detective Plorik, a private investigator working on the case of the exploding starbases. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions.

Blavik - Not at all.

Puker - You look familiar.

Plorik - I can assure we've never–

Puker - But then again all vulcans look the same to me. Hell, I've been serving with Ensign Blavik here for nearly three years and I still mix her up with every other vulcan on the ship, and she's the only one in the medical department.

Both vulcans raise their eyebrows.

Plorik - Fascinating...Alright perhaps you can tell me the nature of the injuries you've seen so far?

Puker - Standard plasma burns, some broken bones from where the inertial dampeners couldn't compensate. The usual. Why?

Plorik - I understand the ship was hit from the back. Is there anything unusual about the injuries received in that portion of the ship?

Blavik - Well there were very few survivors from those sections.

Plorik - Where are the bodies being kept?

Blavik - I'll show you.

Blavik and Plorik go into an adjoining room where all the cots are covered from head to toe with a blanket. Plorik pulls the blanket back on one, revealing a dead yellow-shirt who's face is saying his last thoughts were "I CAN'T BELIEVE I JOINED STARFLEET FOR THIS SHT!!!"

Plorik - Medical tricorder?

Blavik hands it to him and he does some quick scans.

Plorik - Fascinating...

Blavik - What is it?

Plorik closes the tricorder and pockets it.

Plorik - I'll have to conduct further investigation before I can form a hypothesis, and I have a friend who will want to see this.

Blavik - Who?

Plorik - Logic Man. He's doing his own investigation.

Blavik - Oh not him again...

Plorik pretends to ignore her and leaves the room. One out of earshot, he pulls out a communicator of some sort and taps it.

Plorik - Logic Man to Binky. Come in Binky.

Binky (comm) - Whee?

Plorik - Prep the Logicmobile. I have a hunch...I mean a hypothesis that warrants further study...yeah.

The IDIC symbol zooms in then out as funky colours swirl in the background and corny music plays as the scene changes.

Scene 5 - Tener, Garell, and Bios are in the Captain's Yacht scanning the wreckage of the station.

Bios - Tritanium, duranium, dylithium, deuterium, whatever did this certainly left nothing intact.

Garell - Judging by the radiation I'd say the explosion was caused by antimatter, but the starbase wasn't holding any.

Tener - Don't starbases have warp cores?

Garell - No. Just big honking fusion reactors.

Tener - And big honking space guns!

Bios - This doesn't make any sense at all! How could there be this many free neutrons!

Garell - How could you know?

Bios - This thing is incredibly accurate. There are too many free neutrons for this to have been done by anti-hydrogen. I think we're looking at antimatter that's higher up on the periodic table than anti-hydrogen.

Tener - Wait, doesn't it become progressively harder to produce antimatter the bigger the anti-element is?

Garell - Yeah...why would someone go through that much trouble if they're just going to blow it up? Is that thing picking up anything else?

Bios - Mesons...which is odd but I can't see how it's linked. Oh wait a minute...that's impossible. Mesons have a lifetime of only about 2 microseconds. There shouldn't be any here, not after this much time.

Garell - Can we assume the readers don't know the first thing about particle physics?

Tener - Hope so, because the author doesn't know jack either. Mesons having longer than a 2 microsecond lifetime? Please...

Bios - Well this is Star Trek, nothing makes sense. Just accept the fact that this dohicky thingy attached to the yacht's sensors are picking up long lasting mesons.

Beep beep beep! Beep beep beep! Beep beep beep!

Tener - There's a ship approaching. It's...um...Onscreen.

The viewscreen on the yacht changes to show a pearl white ship which looks like the Raven (you know, that one from ST: Voyager that changed size between episodes) but with IDIC symbols on it and probably armed to the teeth.

Garell - What...

Bios - The...

Tener - Hell?

Garell - Um..hailing it.

Logic Man and Binky the Mistreated Targ appear on the screen.

Garell, Bios, Tener - Oh not him again...

Logic Man - Live long and prosper. I assume you've come to scan the wreckage for radiation.

Garell - Yes...and we found mesons! Ha!

Logic Man - But did you also know there were free quarks in the shockwave? I...err...a friend of mine detected them in the bodies of the dead crew of that ship that got hit by the shockwave. Perhaps we should combine our efforts and come to a conclusion faster.

Binky has his eyes closed and is shaking his head in disgust.

Garell - I'm pretty sure the rest of the Federation already figured this out, we're just here to clean up the mess; we just haven't been told yet.

Logic Man (as confused as a vulcan can look) - I've been monitoring the official channels. So far no one has detected mesons. Their sensors aren't calibrated to look for them in such low quantities.

Bios - Then how come it comes standard on this thing?

Tener - Because our dear captain is a moron and probably had everything reconfigured at random.

Righteous appears on a side monitor.

Righteous (comm...ish) - Ensign Center says you found mesons. That crewman that said reconfiguring the sensors to look for small amounts of mesons was a bad idea owes me money! Prophets: 1. Dumb crewman: 0! Go Prophets!

Tener - Let me guess sir, the Prophets told you to reconfigure the sensors in this thing.

Righteous - Yep. In a dream a few weeks ago. They told me it was necessary to determine what kind of device was going to be used to blow something up.

Everyone, including Logic Man and Binky look at Righteous on the monitor with their jaws open.

Garell - ...WHAT!?!

Righteous - Oops, Barney and Friends is on. Got to go!

Beep! Screen goes off.

Logic Man - Is that the same Captain Righteous Lee who was barely able to walk the last time I saw him?

Bios - ...Yes...

Logic Man - You guys have issues. I can't stand the illogic you guys insist on living with. But I will take your information and get back to you with my results.

The screen goes back to showing broken metal.

Tener - Did I hear correctly? Did our jerk of a captain have a precognitive vision?

Garell - I'm more inclined to believe in the Prophets than that. I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation...

Logic Man appears on the main viewer again.

Logic Man - Did someone say they need some help with logic?

Tener, Garell, Bios - NO! GET A LIFE!

Binky presses a button on the Logicmobile's console and the transmission cuts.

Bios - Sheesh...

Scene 6 - A motel room on Sigmus 5. Logic Man, now disguised as Detective Plorik, is pacing back and forth while Binky the Mistreated Targ, now disguised as Binky the Mistreated Targ sans robes and mask, munches down on some food that looks like crap.

Plorik - So, logically, we have mesons detected in the wreckage, free quarks in the shockwave, and a high concentration of free high energy neutrons. The energy released suggests an antimatter explosion, but everything else suggests a form of antimatter more massive than anti-hydrogen was used. Where could one obtain something bigger than anti-hydrogen?

Binky - Whee!

Plorik - Of course! You can't obtain it! The Klingons, Romulans, Cardassians, Breen, Dominion, and virtually every other race we've come across don't have anything that can create anything above anti-lithium in mass quantities...

Binky - Whee!

Plorik - Yes, I think it's time to meet our friend...

The IDIC symbol zooms in and out while funky colours...just watch Batman. Scene changes to a dark alley somewhere. Plorik, once again in his trenchcoat, walks with a purpose and nearly trips over a homeless person.

Homeless Person - Hey! Society owes me! Don't you walk away from me!

Plorik - Illogical. You've done nothing for society.

Homeless Person - And your mother was a swamp beetle!

Section 31 Agent - You've seen too much.

Pzzzt! The same shadowy figure Genocide has been seen talking with several times vapourizes the homeless guy with a phaser, then sort of turns to talk to Logic Man.

Agent - You wanted to meet with me?

Plorik - I require information regarding possible threats to the Federation.

Agent - Can I assume this has something to do with the recent "starbases go boom" headlines?

Plorik - The USS Celestial's captain had the captain's yacht reconfigured to look for small amounts of meson particles. He said the Prophets told him to do it.

Agent - We're looking into that. As for threats to the Federation, I can think of several. Be more specific.

Plorik - Who has the ability to convert normal matter into anti-matter?

Agent - ...You've got me there. The only incidence I know of was merely a side note last year when a pre-warp society destroyed their entire planet using such technology. The Cardassians were involved but I doubt they have such technology.

Plorik - Fascinating...

Agent - Could you please tell me what it is with that word and vulcans?

Plorik - In our language we have over 100 different words that mean "Fascinating."

Agent - Clearly.

Plorik - Of the races you know of who might possess this technology, which ones hate the Federation, or Starfleet?

Agent - Perhaps you didn't understand me: Section 31 doesn't know of any. And if we don't know of any, no one does.

Plorik - Well aren't we full of ourselves. Most illogical to believe such a thing.

Agent - Well...this has been a huge waste of time. Good bye.

The agent vanishes and Plorik starts walking back down the alley.

Logic Man (voice over) - I was familiar with the incident he described. However, that system is hundreds of lightyears away and the Logicmobile has a top speed of warp 6. We'd never be able to get there in time to stop another such attack, and logic dictates more attacks are coming. That leaves me with but one choice, something I would abhor otherwise, but desperate times call for desperate measures...

Scene 7 - Bridge of the Celestial. Senseless, Righteous, Center, and Genocide are present and doing nothing. Center's console beeps.

Center - Captain, we're receiving a small text message from somewhere. It says we should check out a system in sector 553 where a device was used to convert normal matter into antimatter because the starbase was destroyed using a similar means.

Bios - What?

Center - We're receiving a small text message–

Bios - No, how can normal matter be converted into antimatter without the use of a particle accelerator?

Righteous - I don't know what that is so I'm going to say "maybe!"

Senseless - If there's one thing I've learned from living on this ship its that none of the stuff that happens to us is designed to make any sense at all. Lieutenant Baque, set a course for whatever planet we went to all those months ago, maximum warp.

Camera goes outside the ship and pans around to the landing strip like thingy behind the shuttlebay, where Logic Man and Binky the Mistreated Targ are standing there wearing spacesuits.

Logic Man - Alright, so now we just need to find a way inside.

The two super (hah) hero's walk over to what looks like a vent of some sort, just big enough to crawl inside. Logic Man tries to open it but even his super-vulcan powers are insufficient.

Logic Man - Fascinating. Binky, come here.

Binky magnetically trots up and looks up at Logic Man. The vulcan picks him up by the tail and raises him over his head.

Binky - Whee (Translation: I know where this is going.)

WHAM!

The hatch opens and a content Logic Man and a dizzy Binky slip inside just as the Celestial goes to maximum warp.

Scene 8 - Celestial's bridge, several hours later. All senior staff except Tener, Puker and Blavik are present.

Baque - Since the dawn of time no one has been able to tell me exactly how the warp scale works. For example, our maximum warp is warp 9.936, which is just over 3000 times the speed of light. How come we're able to traverse hundreds of lightyears in a few hours?

Righteous - I thank the Prophets!

Genocide - I think Starfleet lies to us and the universe is a lot smaller than we think it is.

Senseless (rubbing his forehead) - How much longer until we get there?

Baque - Relax sir, we're here.

Senseless sits up and puts his coffee back in the cup holder.

Senseless - Finally. Drop to impulse. Lieutenant Bios, start scanning for anything that could potentially kill us.

Bios - Nothing on sensors.

Genocide - Should I raise shields anyway?

Righteous - No, why would you raise shields?

Genocide - Because no matter how this turns out we are gonna get the crap kicked out of us today.

Righteous - Who cares, the sooner we find these terrorists the sooner we can all go home.

Garell- Sir, these weren't terrorist attacks.

Righteous - Ha, could have fooled me.

Garell - These were attacks on military installations. That's an act of war, not terrorism.

Righteous - Well excuuuuuuuseeee me if the Cardassians said those two things were the same.

Bios - Hold the phone everyone. I'm picking up lots of free neutrons and mesons, just like at the starbase wreckage site.

Righteous - What's a phone?

Senseless - Um, Lieutenant, what's the status of the planet's moon which we discovered a warp signature on?

Bios hits some buttons and the viewscreen changes to show a shattered looking moon at great distance.

Bios - It was nearly destroyed, but it's intact. Less than a billion kilometres away orbiting the sun in a highly oblique orbit.

Center's console starts frantically beeping.

Center - Sir! Someone is trying to steal a shuttlecraft!

Senseless - Close the doors!

Camera watches as the shuttlebay doors open and an ARGO type shuttlecraft flies out. Camera goes back to the bridge, where the viewscreen is showing the shuttle heading for the rogue moon. (Do those qualify as planets? Pluto? What's the verdict?)

Senseless - Tractor beam.

Bios - Offline.

Garell - Well we never used it, I didn't think it was a repair priority!

Righteous - Pursuit course, maximum speed!

Genocide - Locking target.

Senseless - Wait, open hailing frequencies.

Center - Channel open.

Senseless - This is the starship Celestial, identify yourself!

Logic Man and Binky appear on the screen.

Logic Man - In the name of logic I have commandeered this vessel to assist me in my investigation. Don't worry, I'll give it back. After all, I'll need you to take me back to Sigmus 5.

The channel cuts.

Senseless - Damn it, put us over that moon. Scan the surface.

Center - What about Logic Man, sir?

Senseless - He's more of an annoyance than a threat. I believe him. Anything on sensors, Lieutenant?

Bios - Believe it or not, there's a metal structure down there. I'm not reading any atmosphere or biosigns though.

Senseless - Captain, I'll take–

FLASH! Righteous finds himself on the glowing bridge of the Celestial. It's empty at first. Various Prophets come into view.

Senseless Prophet - Your presence is needed on that moon.

Righteous - Prophets!

Garell Prophet - Yes...now, go to the moon.

Righteous - Take me with you!

Sisko - Sorry, you participate well but FAIL TO FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS!

Poof! Righteous appears back on the real bridge.

Righteous - Those make less and less sense.

Senseless - What?

Righteous - Prophets want me to go to the moon. Blue woman, girl who breaks stuff a lot, go find guy who I promoted for no reason whatsoever and get some loyal under-underlings and meet me in the beamy thingy room in a few minutes.

Senseless (practically quoting) - Sir, Starfleet regulations require you to stay on the ship and send your first officer–

Righteous - Can it, Commander, I'm going down to that moon. You have your orders everyone!

Righteous leaves the bridge. Everyone kind of stands there stunned at the sudden assertiveness that their dumb bajoran captain just showed.

Scene 9 - Righteous, Garell, Bios, Tener, and three no-name security guards materialize inside a lab of some sort wearing environmental suits

Garell - Bios, get to work on the computer systems. I'll try to restore power.

Tener - You two, patrol the area and see if you can find any trace of anything dangerous.

NoName #3 - You can count on us sir!

NoName #4 - You're new here aren't you?

The two no-names wander off. Lieutenant-Commander Garell flicks some switches and the lights come on.

Garell - We're in business.

Righteous - What do we sell again?

Tener - Discount cans of whoop-ass.

Bios (accessing the computers) - Seems that's what we usually buy, at high prices.

Suddenly, all the monitors come alive showing an old Bajoran guy dressed in typical Bajoran clothing and wearing the dumb earing.

Guy - Research log, Katrell Eden, stardate 189065.8 This will be my last log at this station! That's right, I've perfected the inversion beam and am getting the fire caves off this rock and back to Bajor.

Beep! The screens change to showing a bunch of status displays that mean nothing to anyone.

Righteous - Yay! Bajorans!

Garell - There's no way that translated correctly. If I heard him correct, that stardate was over 200 years ago!

Tener - Um...let's see...2135? Does that sound right?

Bios - July 26, 2135 to be exact...

NoName #4 (wandering by) - Cool, that's today's date.

Everyone stops.

Garell - He's right, that's 247 years ago, to the day.

Righteous - What does that mean?

Bios - Nothing! Just a dumb coincidence! I've found something more interesting!

Garell - You found out what he was working on?

Logic Man walks in, also wearing an environmental suit.

Logic Man - What have you found?

Tener - We found out that exactly 247 years ago some bajoran scientist by the name of Katrell Eden finished up some work he'd been wasting his life on.

Bios - Not wasting. He was experimenting with a way to invert the electric charge on matter using meson pulses!

Righteous - In modern bajoran, please?

Bios - He was researching a way to convert normal matter into antimatter! Holy Pentium fives, Logic Man!

Logic Man - What?

Bios - Oh nothing, I'd just always wanted to say that.

Garell - Can you access the rest of the main computer?

Bios - Nah, just that last log entry and a few minor details. I can't access anything else, it's all been encrypted.

Garell (points to some weird control on the console) - This looks like some kind of biometric sensor.

Righteous - Ooh I love those, if you stick your hand on them they tell you your fortune!

Righteous places his hand on the control and suddenly the entire database is open for them.

Bios - Well, who would have thunk it? Good thing your volunteered to come on this mission, sir. Looks like it was designed to respond only to Bajoran DNA.

Tener - Access the logs, see if it says anything about what happened last year.

Bios - I'm on it.

NoName #3 (comm) - NoName #3 to Captain Righteous, you guys better get down here. I've found something.

Scene 10 - Astrometrics Lab on the Celestial. Center, Senseless, and Genocide are looking at the big screen, which is displaying a schematic of the Federation.

Senseless - Alright, you said you found something disturbing?

Center - YOU GUYS ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS!

Genocide - Hey, quiet down, we're right next to you.

Camera has it's back to the screen. Center, shaking and wide eyed, hits some buttons and then looks up at the screen. Senseless's and Genocide's eyes go as wide as Center's.

Scene 11 - Briefing room, all senior staff and Logic Man and Binky are present.

Puker - Why is everyone all freaked out?

Senseless - I don't even know where to start, doctor.

Logic Man - Allow me, Commander.

Everyone looks at him. Logic Man gets up and walks over to the wall monitor. He hits some buttons, and a picture of the inside of the research facility they had just been at appears, showing an empty room with lots of what look like holding racks for devices of some sort, wires protruding from the ceiling.

Logic Man - Ketrell Eden was a brilliant bajoran scientist who lived almost 250 Earth years ago. He was the leading mind on antimatter at the time when Earth and Vulcan were still bickering with each other.

Righteous - Go us!

Logic Man - He travelled across the quadrant searching for new ways to produce antimatter. He stumbled across this system, which possesses a rare mineral which can concentrate mesons and energize them to the point where they have a very long life span, nearly a billion years. Using this, he was able to devise a way to convert ordinary matter into pure antimatter using a beam of such mesons. His devices had the power to destroy entire planets, although he only ever intended to use them to make lightweight and easy to use hair care products.

Garell - That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Binky taps some buttons and a schematic of the Federation with red blobs all clustered in one area near the border with the Gorn.

Logic Man - All these red blobs indicate a starbase that was destroyed with these devices. There were 23, and Katrell made 30 inversion bombs. One was used on the planet in this system nearly a year ago. That leaves six unaccounted for. That means where are six planets that are in grave danger.

Blavik - How do you know that?

Senseless - OK, now you've lost me.

Logic Man - Simple logic, ensign. You see, all of these starbases bordered on the Gorn's space. They acted as fleet supply lines and communications outposts. Also, the threat of more bombings has prompted Starfleet to nearly evacuate all it's other starbases throughout Federation space. With minimal crew, they pose no threat to the invasion fleet.

Genocide - Oh this outta be good. Who is invading us this time?

Logic Man - You certainly remember the Orion Syndicate, and perhaps you remember that they enlisted the help of the Gorn at one point. Also, they now have the support of several rogue Breen factions. I would hazard to guess, logically of course, that they are preparing to make their move.

Baque - And what move would that be?

Logic Man gets all serious like and looks them all in the eye one at a time.

Logic Man - Checkmate...

Pause...

Righteous - I wanna rematch! They cheated!

Scene 12 - Spacedock, orbiting Earth. Fleet Admiral Spot, Admiral Nelix, and Admiral Ross are standing around.

Spot - Where the hell is the Celestial? They were supposed to send in a report of their investigation findings! How hard is it to scan some debris and send us a list of the stuff they picked up!?

Nelix - I think you overestimate the intelligence of the people you're talking about.

Admiral Ross - I agree. We should assume they never even went to Sigmus 5.

NoName #5 - Ops to Admiral Spot.

Spot - Spot here. Go ahead.

NoName #5 - We're picking up a transmission, it's being broadcasted all over the quadrant as far as I can tell.

Spot - Route it down here.

Chester, the cat who used to run the Orion Syndicate (and also lived with O'brien for a while) appears on the screen.

Chester - By now most of you should be aware that twenty three Federation starbases have been destroyed. This was done by using antimatter inversion bombs, which convert normal matter into antimatter, and well, you know the rest. We have six of these devices. We have planted them on Earth, Romulus, Quo'nos, Cardassia Prime, Bajor, and an un-named and loosely populated colony somewhere in Federation space. To show you the destructive power, I shall now blow up that nameless colony simply because I'm evil.

The screen goes to showing a picture of a nameless colony, which promptly explodes in a giant fireball. Chester comes back on the screen.

Chester - We will detonate them unless the Klingon Empire, the Romulan Star Empire, the United Federation of Planets, and the Cardassian Union surrender to us unconditionally. Long live the Syndicate! Meow!

The screen goes blank. There is a deafening silence in the room.

Spot - Fat chance! I really hate that furball...

Nelix - Me too ma'am, but I doubt anyone will listen to him.

NoName #5 - Admiral, we're picking up a broadcast being transmitted from Earth.

The Federation president (a different one than before because they change like every week) appears on the screen.

President - On behalf of the people of the Federation, I surrender.

Spot - God damn it...

TO BE CONTINUED...


	12. Celestial 32

Star Trek: Celestial #32 - Rapid Decent, Part II

By Swordtail

Started May 17, 2007

Finished May 23, 2007

Previously, on the worst Star Trek series since Enterprise:

Read "Rapid Decent, Part I"

And now:

Scene 1 - Camera is moving through San Francisco, Earth, as Gorn and Breen troops march down the streets and Gorn destroyers fly overhead. Civilians just shrug and move indoors, by now used to the ever changing government. Chester, surrounded by a bunch of Breen thugs, marches proudly into the Federation council chamber and hops up on the President's desk.

Chester - Ah...the sweet taste of victory.

Henchman #1 - I wouldn't call it a total victory, my lord. The Klingons still haven't surrendered and our sources say they might never cave in. Also, tens of thousands of Federation, Romulan, and Cardassian starships have failed to stand down as ordered, and most have simply vanished.

Chester - Oh don't be a spoilsport. Now, send in the good Fleet Admiral Spot so I can gloat some more.

Henchman #2 - At once, your furriness.

Henchman #2, a Gorn, goes out and comes in dragging Spot by a leash.

Spot - HISS!!! RELEASE ME YOU OVERGROWN IGUANA!

Chester - Now madam, that's no way to treat your new superiors, is it? VICTORY IS MINE!

Spot - Oh, go,--

Chester - Enough, throw her into the cell. I have work to attend to.

A biting and scratching Spot is dragged from the room while Chester laughs evilly.

Scene 2 - Camera watches as the USS Celestial, USS Saratoga, USS Citadel, and USS Litterbox all dock at a small and very old looking station in a nebula somewhere.

Righteous - Captain's log, stardate 436073.1. It's been almost three days since that annoying cat took over the Federation, without so much as firing a shot–

Genocide - I call the destruction of twenty three starbases and a planet a "shot"--

Righteous - --And already we've formed a resistance. Our first concern is saving Bajor, of course, but we also need to save Earth, Romulus, Cardassia, and whatever planet the Klingons call home these days. End log.

Camera goes to the station. Captain Castanea of the Citadel and her no-name second in command, Captain Farfetched and Commander Shelby of the Saratoga, and Captain Righteous and Commander Senseless of the Celestial all enter a room.

Senseless - So we all know why we're here.

Farfetched - Because we hate that jackass of a feline that took over our beloved society!

Righteous - And they threatened Bajor!

NoName Commander - Well we cant exactly do anything without risking Earth.

Righteous - Or Bajor!

Shelby - Commander Senseless, you mentioned you had discovered the location the weapons were built at?

Senseless - Right. Turns out the Orion Syndicate didn't make them; they just stole them. We've left Lieutenant Bios, Lieutenant-Commander Garell, Ensign Blavik, and Logic Man--

Shelby - Oh, not him again...

Senseless - --in sector 553 or wherever it was to try to find a way to neutralize these devices. Then we can mount an all out attack on–

Captain Spot Jr, another cat, materializes in the room.

Spot Jr. - Sorry I'm late! What did I miss?

Senseless - Nothing important. Now, we believe the destruction of Bajor by an inversion beam would destabilise the wormhole, preventing the Dominion from coming in and ruining Chester's little party.

Righteous - Therefore, we will go to Bajor and disable the device there.

Senseless - If we're successful, we'll relay the instructions on a highly encrypted emergency band which Chester and the Syndicate aren't likely to know about. If we're not successful, at least you'll know what not to do when you try again.

Righteous - Yeah...hey wait a minute!

Farfetched - We can all agree that in the likely event one or more of us is captured, this meeting never took place, right?

Castanea - Gotcha. Now, while the Celestial is busy using Bajor as a lab rat, I'll take the Citadel and run interference around the Gorn border. If it's one thing we're good at it's being marauders. After all, we were doing it for almost a month. And, it's pretty much the only noteworthy thing we've done in two years.

Farfetched - Weren't you jackasses also high on super-weed at the time?

Castanea - Yes...but that's not the point.

Farfetched - How could you possibly remember what you did?

Castanea - We'll wing it.

Farfetched - Fair enough. We'll take the Saratoga and go protect your team in sector 553, Jack.

Senseless - OK, but try not to make it too obvious what you're doing there.

Farfetched - Don't worry, I have a plan...it involves hiding.

Spot Jr. - Well...I suppose I should do something too...How about I go around with the Litterbox and try to round up some ships for the final assault?

Righteous - Whatever works. Now, commander, to Bajor!

Senseless - This is going to be a long trip...good luck everyone.

Everyone leaves.

NoName Commander - What was the point of this meeting? If we already have a secure communications line, why did we need to meet in person?

Castanea - Shut up, it's not polite to question the writer's many plot holes.

Opening credits. Better late than never I suppose...I can't speak for everyone but I always go and get food whenever they come on. Yay bagels! It's like eating six slices of bread with only a third of the work involved!

Scene 3 - Katrell Eden's research laboratory. Ensign Blavik, Logic Man, Lieutenant-Commander Garell, Lieutenant Bios, and a no-name security guard are standing around trying to figure out how to defuse the antimatter inversion bombs. (OK it's a stupid name but I was pressed for time!)

Garell - ...I'm going to ask the question which has been bugging me for hours: Ensign, why are you here?

Blavik - Commander Senseless felt it best to leave a Vulcan officer as an intermediator between your irrational behaviour and Logic Man's logical professionalism. He felt it was best for all concerned if I did damage control.

Logic Man - Most logical.

Garell - Do you actually _do_ anything or do you just bug other people while they do stuff?

Logic Man - Well, as we speak Binky the Mistreated Targ is doing reconnaissance to determine the strength of the enemy forces.

Garell (muttering) - Should have killed that targ when we had the chance...

Blavik - We've had the chance plenty of times, and we've tried. That targ seems invincible.

Logic Man - Why do you think I hired him?

Garell - Bios, for the love of the Alpha Quadrant, I'm really bored. Please tell me you've found something in that database?

Bios - Look, there wasn't exactly a Bajoran version of Google back then! I'm having to sift through all the gigaquads of data manually and it's going to take time! It would take less time if you HELPED ME!

Garell - Good work, carry on Lieutenant.

Bios - Damn you, ma'am.

NoName #1 - Who wants to play checkers?

They look over and see that NoName #1 has carved a checker board into the floor with his phaser and made game pieces out of ration packaging.

Pause...

Garell - I call first game.

Scene 4 - The USS Celestial drops out of warp near Bajor.

Righteous - Captain log, supplemental. What does "supplemental" mean? I'll have to remember to check on that later. In the mean time, we've arrived in my home system–

Senseless - Sir, you didn't grow up here. You lived on Magellis III

Righteous - Only until I was five! Now, as I was saying, it's good to be home and I can't wait to see the green seas of Bajor again–

Senseless - Captain, we're here to save Bajor and the rest of the Federation, not go sightseeing.

Righteous - Computer, end log. Commander, it's rude to interrupt me while I make my log entries.

Camera goes to the briefing room where all the senior staff except Garell, Bios, and Blavik are looking bored.

Genocide - You're supposed to record those dumb logs on your own time!

Righteous - Hey, I have much better things to be doing on my own time. I have to reach enlightenment before I die after all, and by the looks of things I don't have much time left.

Baque - So, no more brilliant insights from the Prophets then?

Center - Hey don't be sarcastic, Lieutenant. Those "brilliant insights" probably saved us all.

Baque - That remains to be seen.

Senseless - Get back on topic people. Ensign Center, I want you to hack into the planetary logs and try to find out when and where the inversion bomb was planted. Genocide, I'll regret this later, but I want you to get the ship's weapons ready for anything. You have authorization to replicate whatever you need.

Genocide (all smiles) - Trust me, you WON'T regret this, Commander.

Senseless - We're too late for that. Now, Lieutenant Tener, assist Genocide. Doctor Puker, find something productive to do.

Puker throws his hands into the air and gets up to leave.

Puker - You dragged me out of bed for this?

Baque - It's the middle of the afternoon!

Puker - I was up all night operating on some dead no-name.

Baque - I don't want to know.

Senseless - Lieutenant Baque, since Garell is gone you're in charge of yelling at the engineering crew. Make sure they have the warp engines in top shape. We'll need them when we head for Earth.

Righteous - Why can't we stay here?

Senseless - Because we can't.

Righteous - Good enough. I'll be in my quarters.

Righteous leaves.

Senseless - Well then. Dismissed.

Scene 5 - The research facility. Logic Man and Garell are playing checkers.

Logic Man - Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump.

Pause...

Garell - Is that legal?

Bios - Yes, ma'am, every move he's done has been legal.

Garell - I hate this game. Tell me you've found something?

Blavik - Excellent. My turn.

Garell gets up and walks over to Bios's work station while Blavik sits down and starts playing checkers.

NoName #1 - I'm bored, ma'am. This looked a lot more fun when I made it.

Garell - Lieutenant, I'll ask again. TELL ME YOU'VE FOUND SOMETHING!

Bios - Relax! Yes! I found something! Every device was constructed with a fail-safe built right in. During the charge-up phase, the devices emit a subspace beacon. That's how so many starbases knew they had a bomb.

Garell - How does that help us? That's like practically saying "If you can see this, you're about to die." That line sounds oddly familiar but I can't place it.

Bios - It's similar to what they write on the side of antimatter transport trucks.

Garell - Right, another reference from early in the first season. Answer my question.

Bios - Well, if we destroy the device fast enough, it won't release the mesons and it will be essentially defused.

Garell - Wait are you telling me that brute force might actually save us this time?

Bios - Actually...yeah. But remember, we have to get it quickly. My research shows that Katrell gave them all a forty seven second delay during which they transmit the locator signal. After that:

Bios imitates an explosion with her hands.

Garell - So our part of the job is done?

Bios - Pretty much.

Garell - So now what?

Bios - Now I'll send a coded message to the Celestial telling them what to do and if it works on Bajor then we'll get picked up and all head for Earth.

Garell - So nothing to do until then?

Bios (sending the message) - Nope.

NoName #1 - Hey look what I found!

NoName #1 shows them about a hundred small data discs which come in five different colours. Garell, Bios, Blavik, and Logic Man look at him confused.

NoName #1 - And it's a good thing I brought these then!

He pulls out a deck of cards.

Bios - I wanna deal first!

Scene 6 - Bridge of the Celestial. Ensign Center's console starts spazing out.

Center - Captain, we're receiving a coded message from our away team. They say that during the forty seven seconds it takes to charge the weapon up, it emits a subspace locator beacon. If we destroy it during that time frame, we can prevent it from converting matter into antimatter!

Righteous - Spare me your incessant techno-babble and get to the point.

Genocide - If someone activates it, and we blow it up, nothing bad will happen! Score ONE for brute force!

Senseless - So now all we need to do is provoke Chester into detonating Bajor's device.

Righteous - Yeah...hey, wait a minute! Isn't that what we DON'T want to do?

Senseless - Genocide, find Tener and I want both of you in shuttles on the other side of the planet. Ensign, prepare for starship separation. Let's cover as much area as possible. We'll probably only have one shot at this.

Righteous - WAIT A MINUTE!! IF YOU SCREW THIS UP, BAJOR WILL BE DESTROYED!

Baque - Exactly, so just let us do our jobs and don't get in the way for once!

Scene changes to show Chester sitting on a huge throne chair thing in the Federation Council Chamber, counting strips of latinum. Out of absolutely nowhere, a no-name henchman runs in frantically.

Henchman #3 - My lord, we're received word that the Dominion is preparing to invade! From the Gamma Quadrant!

Chester - Haha, it's a good thing I thought of this. I am so diabolically brilliant I scare even myself. Detonate Bajor's inversion bomb at once.

Henchman #3 - Yes my lord, excellent plan. Nothing can go wrong.

Chester - Hmm...why do I get the feeling that those will be his famous last words?

Scene changes back to showing the planet Bajor. Camera pans around the area to show Genocide in the Captain's Yacht, Tener in the ARGO shuttle, Baque in the Celestial's stardrive, and Senseless, Righteous, and Center in the Command Module. Camera goes to the Command Module's bridge (aka main bridge...)

Center - It worked, sir! I'm detecting a faint beacon. Triangulating now.

Righteous - Yay! We're saved!

Senseless - Patch the coordinates into the tactical array and relay them to the other ships. Someone fire when ready.

NoName #2 - It's right beneath us!

Senseless - FIRE! Hit it with everything we have!

NoName #2 - Firing phasers.

Center - It's too deep underground! We can't hit it!

Righteous - COMMANDER! WE'RE SCREWED! WE HAVE 15 SECONDS!!!

Center - Captain!

They turn toward the viewscreen in time to see the stardrive drop out of warp right in front of them and fire a tricobalt torpedo. A few seconds later, a blinding flash appears on the surface of Bajor.

Center - The beacon has stopped. Lieutenant Baque is hailing us.

Senseless - On screen.

Baque - Thought you might need a hand.

Righteous - REMIND ME TO PROMOTE YOU THE FIRST CHANCE I GET!

Baque - Whatever. So it worked, now what?

Senseless - Reintegrate the ship. We have to get to Earth before news of this gets there.

Center - I'll forward this information to the Klingons, Romulans, and Cardassians.

Senseless - Good. Unlike the Federation, they actually keep Starships in range of their homeworlds.

Camera watches as a bunch of things happen at once: The Captain's Yacht locks into place underneath the command module, which docks with the stardrive, which has just received the ARGO shuttle. The ship then does a quick turn and jumps to warp. Camera flies a few billion kilometres and goes inside Deep Space Nine's Ops place.

NoName #3 - Ma'am, someone just destroyed half of Dahkur province on Bajor.

Kira - ...Strangely, no one cares, do they?

Scene 7 - Research facility. Bios, Garell, Blavik, Logic Man, and NoName #1 are all playing poker.

Garell - I raise a hundred.

Blavik - I fold.

Bios - You know something I don't?

Logic Man - Royal flush. I win. Again.

Garell - Shit, how does he do that?

Logic Man - With my super vulcan powers, which include telepathy and clairvoyance.

NoName #1 - Hey do you guys hear something?

Bios - Nope.

NoName #1 - I'm gonna go check out the foyer. I'll be right back.

NoName #1 gets up and leaves the room.

Bios - He's dead isn't he?

Garell - Yep.

Sure enough, a blood curdling screen echos through the hallways.

Garell - Alright, here we go...

The four get up and pull out phasers. A half dozen Breen, Gorn, and human henchmen bust through the corridor and enter the lab. The four Federation citizens open fire and cut them down. As soon as they're all dead, Bios goes over and checks the computers.

Bios - There's a Gorn destroyer hovering over us. I'm picking up more biosigns entering the station.

Garell - Time to make a hasty retreat.

Logic Man - You go, I'll handle this.

Blavik - Is that logical?

Logic Man - Most.

Garell - I'm getting a headache, everyone just do what he says.

More Gorn thugs beam into the room as the three Starfleet officers make a hasty retreat into another corridor. Logic Man proceeds to beat the henchmen to a bloody pulp using his mad Suss Mahn skills. More henchmen pour into the room and try to attack Logic Man one at a time, all being defeated easily. Finally, no more come in. Camera goes to the Gorn destroyer's bridge, where Henchman #4 was watching this unfold on the main viewer.

High Ranking Henchman #4 - Sheesh, this will be the death of me...alright, plan B. Destroy the facility.

NoName Henchman #1 - At once, High Ranking Henchman #4.

However, before he can fire the weapons, the bulkhead at the back of the bridge explodes and the entire ship goes up in flames. Camera moves to watch the USS Saratoga fly through the rubble and then warp away. Camera goes to the Saratoga's transporter room, where Logic Man, Garell, Bios, and Blavik materialize and are greeted by Commander Shelby.

Shelby - Welcome to the Saratoga.

Garell - Great timing.

Shelby - You don't know the half of it: You all were about to be turned into a cloud of vapour.

Bios - Where are we going now?

Shelby - Earth. The Celestial was successful and now we're moving to recapture our beloved planet.

She realizes that all four of her visitors are non-human.

Shelby - Err...nevermind. Let's just go save the Federation.

Scene 8 - Bridge of the Celestial, several days later. All senior staff except Puker, Blavik, and Tener are present.

Baque - Alright, we've reached the Sol system. How did we just cross 300 lightyears in a mere five days?

Garell - You're the helmsman, you tell us.

Baque - It's not possible with our current warp technology.

Bios - Steller drift.

Baque - There's no way the stars could move that much, that fast–

Bios - _Stellar drift!!!_

Senseless - As amusing as it is to try to figure this out–

Baque - Even at maximum warp it should have taken a month!

Senseless - --We have better things to worry about–

Baque - At a cruising speed of warp 7 it should have taken half a year!!!

Senseless - SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! GOD DAMN IT!

Baque - Yes sir.

Senseless - Lieutenant-Commander Genocide, red alert. Tell everyone to get their asses to battlestations.

Genocide - With pleasure, Commander.

Righteous - And like a thousand other commanders on a thousand other battlefields, I wait–

Senseless - Captain, don't rip off lines from other trek movies. It's just sad.

Righteous - ...But we do it all the time!

Senseless - Fine, have your fun.

Righteous - Thank you. I wait for the dawn.

In that instant, Earth's moon moves out of the way and the sun shines in through the viewscreen.

Righteous - Ow. My eyes. That's bright.

Center - Are we certain Chester won't detonate the bomb on Earth as soon as he sees he's gonna lose?

Garell - Chester's a pussy...cat. What I'm trying to say is he is a coward if there ever was one. We'll have ample time to defuse the weapon.

Senseless - Genocide, are all hands at battle-stations?

Genocide - Oh, sorry, I was getting carried away arming all the weapons.

Senseless - If you please?

Genocide - OK. All hands, LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!

Bluuuuuuuuurb! The red alert klaxons go off and the lights dim slightly. Camera goes outside the ship and watches as the Celestial pulls up alongside the USS Litterbox. Camera pans back and we see dozens of other Starfleet ships, including the USS Saratoga, the USS Citadel, USS Enterprise, USS Scratchingpost (Admiral Nelix's ship he stole from Chester last season), and various other Galaxy, Sovereign, Prometheus, Defiant, and other classes of ships, along with the Logicmobile. They all form up and start moving toward Earth while suspenseful music plays in the background.

Scene 9 - Earth, Chester's new lair. Henchmen are running around frantically as everyone freaks out at the mass of ships approaching Earth.

Chester - NO! THIS IS NOT COOL! Launch all ships! Stop them! Save me!

Henchman #5 - Yes, my lord...

Chester - Ah, blind obedience...gotta love it.

Camera goes to the space above Earth. Dozens of Breen and Gorn ships move past the darkened Spacedock and engage the Federation assault Fleet. Phaser beams and torpedoes fly wild and ships go every which way as the battle ensues. A large chunk of Breen ship slams into the top of the Enterprise and bounces off the shields. Camera goes to said ship's bridge.

Picard (getting off the floor) - Number One, I thought Starfleet was going to install seatbelts on these ships!

Riker - I'm sure they're working on it, sir.

B4 - Pretty lights!

Worf - I need sleep! Kahless damn it!

Troi - I'm sensing much distress from the crew, Jean-Luc

Picard - Wait a minute...Will, if you're here, and if Worf is there, and if Counsellor Troi is right here, then who's on the Titan or the Defiant?

They turn back to the viewscreen in time to watch the Titan and Defiant collide and explode.

Worf - Damn it not again!

Riker - Oh well there goes my Captain's pips.

Camera goes back to space, and goes over to where the Celestial is getting the crap kicked out of it by the Gorn who seem to realize that they should focus their attention on the main ship of the series. The Litterbox comes out of nowhere and saves the day. Camera goes to the Celestial's bridge.

Center - Captain Spot Jr. says we owe him a quart of milk, 2307 or finer vintage.

Righteous - Ooh pretty lights!

Genocide - Let's just keep firing.

Camera goes and watches as the Logicmobile darts in between exploding ships and shoots the occasional torpedo at a Gorn frigate. Onboard, Logic Man, Binky the Mistreated Targ, Lieutenant Tener, and a squad of heavily armed no-name security guards are holding on to the railings.

Tener - Doesn't this thing have inertial dampeners?

Logicman - I sacrificed them for better engines. It seemed logical at the time...

The Logicmobile punches through the fight and heads for Earth at breakneck speeds.

NoName #4 - Why are we letting the targ drive?

Binky - WHEEE!

Logicman - It's the logical thing to do.

NoName #5 - All this logic talk is giving me a fucking headache.

Tener - Oh don't worry, you'll soon be dead.

NoName #5 - What was that, sir?

Tener - Oh, don't worry, it's all in your head.

NoName #5 - Well...okay...

Camera watches as the Logicmobile soars through the atmosphere and drops into San Francisco. A few small Gorn ships pull up behind it and open fire.

Tener - Where the hell did they come from?

Logic Man - They're targeting our engines. Prepare for landing.

Camera watches as the Logicmobile's port impulse engine gets hit and goes off line, sending the ship spiralling downward in a haze of smoke and fire.

Logic Man - We're descending rapidly. Brace for impact!

Binky - WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

SMASH! The ship hits a building and flies out the other side, then drops a few hundred metres and slams into the pavement. It comes to a halt after sliding a few dozen metres and crashing into an ice cream shop, upside down. Inside, Logic Man, Binky, Tener, and his banged up security force get up and open the hatch.

Tener - That's what we get for letting targ drive.

Binky - Whee?

Tener - Yeah, that's right, your heard me. How far are we from the Council Chambers?

NoName #6 - Only about a kilometre.

Tener - Then let's move out!

Scene 10 - The battle is still going on up in space but it's moved closer to Earth. Currently, the Celestial is chasing a Breen destroyer around the spacedock in circles.

Senseless - I'm pretty sure this is the third time we've circled, can't you get a weapons lock yet?

Genocide - The damn thing keeps darting underneath the station and back up through, blah, blah, long story short: No! Stop asking!

Baque - Relax, I have a plan.

Righteous - Well I hope it doesn't involve taking the inertial dampeners off–

As he says it, Baque his a button and the inertial dampeners are taken offline. With better manoeuvring ability, he swings the ship around in a quick 180 and hits the anti-matter. Everyone is pushed back into their seats. Camera goes to a random deck where streams of no-names are thrown against the wall violently, killing several and mortally wounding the rest. Camera goes back to the bridge.

Righteous - I think I swallowed my tongue! Lieutenant!

Genocide - No time! Pressing buttons!

The Breen destroyer is caught off guard as the Celestial rams it hard, destroying the Breen ship and throwing everyone but Baque out of their seats.

Senseless - LIEUTENANT TURN ON THE INERTIAL DAMPENERS!!! NOW!!!

Baque - Oh it was just a bit of fun.

Garell - Say that to our damaged secondary deflector.

Bios - Ha! Not my fault this time!

Center - We should go help the Citadel, they're taking a pounding.

The viewscreen changes to show the USS Citadel being assaulted by two small Gorn ships, which keep ramming it and bouncing off it's shields.

Senseless - If this all weren't so serious that would almost be funny.

Scene 11 - Federation Council Chamber. Chester is freaking out as he looks at the carnage happening in orbit.

Chester - That's it, we're leaving. Someone prepare my ship!

Several henchmen quickly leave the room, only to be thrown back in with phaser burns on their chests. Logic Man, Binky, Tener, and a solitary no-name burst in.

Logic Man - In the name of logic, you are under arrest!

Chester - Try it and I'll detonate the weapon!

Tener - No, you won't.

Chester - Just try me, mister.

Senseless (comm) - Celestial to away team, we've neutralized Chester's forces and have taken up positions around the globe. We're ready if he tries to blow us to kingdom come.

Chester - Damn it! God damn it!

Tener - The jig is up. Put your paws where we can see them.

Chester - NEVER!

He pulls out a little kitty phaser and shoots NoName #4. Tener, Logic Man, and Binky take cover and return fire. Chester darts away when his undersized phaser runs out of power.

Chester - Curses!

Logic Man - Binky, apprehend him.

Binky takes off snarling and coughing as he runs after the cat. Tener and Logic Man stand up.

Logic Man - Yes, I'd like to think I've made a difference here today.

Tener just rolls his eyes.

Tener - Come on, let's go, that targ is incompetent.

Logic Man - On the contrary, he's just mistreated.

Tener - He's a TARG!

Logic Man - We exist in a universe where cats can talk, no-names drop dead left, right, and centre on a regular basis and no one cares, and warp drive speeds are measured on an inconsistent scale. We use a stardate system that actually makes some sense, mixing marijuana and warp plasma makes highly dangerous and addictive super-weed, we ignore plot holes like pot holes, and moronic Bajoran vedeks can somehow achieve the rank of captain. You live on a ship that only ever existed in a book, and even then it was set 20 years in the future.

Tener - Yes but–

Logic Man - This is Star Trek: It isn't designed to make sense. With a lack of scientific fact and no common sense, we are forced to simply accept our surroundings and adjust our lives accordingly.

Tener - Yes, I agree, but I don't think you've known that targ as long as I have.

Chester runs by, carrying a device of some kind. Binky runs in chasing him. Chester stops and aims the device at Binky.

Chester - Eat tachyons, garbage brain!

Chester pushes a button on the device and a temporal portal opens beneath Binky, sucking him off into another episode.

Binky - WHHHHHHHHHhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...!

Logic Man - Surak damn it!

Chester, quite proud of himself, turns to see Logic Man and Tener raise their phasers.

Chester - Ah oh.

PZZZZZT!!! Tener opens fire and singes Chester's tail.

Chester - HISS!!!

Chester jumps and latches onto Tener's face, scratching madly. Logic Man tries to aim at Chester but he can't get him without shooting Tener.

Logic Man - I can't get a clear shot, Lieutenant!

Tener - AHH! STUN US BOTH!!!

However, just as he fires his phaser, Chester jumps away and only Tener loses consciousness.

Logic Man - Phooey.

Logic Man gives chase, leaving the room filled with a dead no-name, an unconscious Tener, and a hole in the floor where a temporal portal sucked up Binky.

Scene 12 - Spacedock. All the lights come on as Spot enters her office, followed closely by Admiral Ross.

Spot - Ah home sweet home away from home. My home is actually a smouldering crater, did you know that? The Celestial had something to do with it.

Ross - Whatever their history, they sure came through today for us.

Spot - Meh, they had help. I'm not ready to pin any medals on their tunics just yet.

The room shakes slightly as a small yet fast Orion ship flies past the window.

Spot - What!!? Who's on that ship!?!

Ross - One guess...

Camera goes to the Orion ship, where Chester is piloting away from Earth as fast as he can go.

Chester - Ha! By the time Logic Dork realizes I'm missing, I'll be half way back to Farias Prime! Ha ha ha! I am so diabolically brilliant, scrambling my warp signature so no one can detect me! Ha ha ha!

Chester opens his eyes in time to see that the USS Celestial has drifted into his path.

Chester - Oh shi—

BOOM! The Orion ship slams into the bottom of the Celestial and explodes. Camera goes to the Celestial's bridge, where the crew are celebrating with beer and wine. All of a sudden, the room shakes.

Garell - What the hell was that?

Puker - Must have been mild dizziness brought on by alcohol consumption.

Blavik - It sounded like something hit us.

Center - She's right, a small ship impacted with our shields and was destroyed.

Logic Man materializes on the bridge in a flash of Vulcan transporter beam light.

Logic Man - Did you see Chester fly by this way?

Bios - No, but something crashed into our shields and was destroyed.

Center - The sensor logs show there was a cat onboard.

Logic Man - Then my work here is done.

Baque - Work? You practically didn't do anything!

Logic Man - I saved the day, no need to thank me, I was just doing my job.

Everyone just groans and heads for the turbolifts. Logic Man is left on the empty bridge.

Logic Man - Logically, their thanks is all the reward I require!

The IDIC symbol zooms in then out and blah, blah, funky colours, blah, blah, LSD, blah, blah. You know the drill.

Scene 13 - Later, in the Celestial's messhall, Captain Righteous, Commander Senseless, Lieutenant-Commander Genocide, Lieutenant-Commander Garell, Doctor Puker, Lieutenant Tener, Lieutenant Baque, Lieutenant Bios, Ensign Blavik, Ensign Center, Captain Farfetched, Commander Shelby, Lieutenant-Commander Garsh, Lieutenant Scratcher, Captain Castanea, Fleet Admiral Spot, Admiral Nelix, Admiral Ross, and Logic Man are all having some drinks and chatting about the day's events.

Righteous - Commander, the next time we need to test a theory that might end up destroying a planet, we're using EARTH! Not BAJOR!

Senseless - Whatever you say, Captain.

Righteous - Good...now, a log entry.

Everyone rolls their eyes and walks away, leaving Righteous standing in the centre of the room.

Righteous - Captain's log, stardate 436079.8. We have successfully saved Bajor and the rest of the Alpha Quadrant from destruction. The invading Gorn and Breen forces have been pushed back into their own space, and Chester is dead. However, considering cats live nine lives, I doubt we've seen the last of him...KITTY!

Spot - Lee, how come I've never received any of your Captain's logs in your monthly reports to Starfleet?

Righteous - I'm supposed to keep them around? I thought I was supposed to delete them every month!

Spot - You're an idiot, Captain.

Righteous - Thank you, ma'am.

Camera moves over to where Blavik, Baque, Garell, Puker, and Logic Man are talking. Well, Logic Man is doing the talking.

Logic Man - Then, using my super-vulcan powers, I enhanced the transporters and beamed myself to the Celestial. However, you had already killed Chester.

Blavik - If I were you, I'd put more effort into your day job, Investigator Plorik.

Logic Man - _How did you find out?!_

Puker - Oh please, the only difference is the dumb mask.

Logic Man - Curses! Foiled again!

Garell - Get your own series.

Baque - Yeah, leave ours alone.

Logic Man - Never fear, where ever evil rears it's illogical head, you'll find, LOGIC MAN!

Blavik (looking quite irked) - It's stuff like this that makes me sometimes wish I wasn't a Vulcan...

Puker (tapping his fingers together and wearing an evil smile) - That can be arranged.

Blavik - No, that won't be necessary, doctor.

Camera goes over to where Senseless, Castanea, and Farfetched are talking with Spot and Nelix.

Farfetched - We jackasses did good today, didn't we, ma'am?

Spot - I still refuse to let it slide that you guys managed to let Chester out of jail in the first place.

Senseless - So can we get some time off, ma'am?

Spot - Ha ha ha, not a chance, Commander.

Senseless - Damn it.

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	13. Celestial 33

Star Trek: Celestial #33 – The Fast and the Furry

By Swordtail

Started May 25, 2007

Finished May 31, 2007

Scene 1 – Camera is in the Celestial's briefing room, where everyone except Righteous and Senseless are cursing having to get up so early on a Sunday.

Garell – What do you suppose this is all about?

Puker – Got me but I have a 9 o'clock surgery that I probably should have scheduled for ten weeks ago.

Genocide – Maybe there's another war...I hope. I haven't gotten to shoot anything in the longest time.

Baque – You got to shoot up a whole fleet of Breen ships just yesterday!

Genocide – True...but I still want to shoot something.

Senseless and Righteous enter the room and sit down.

Center – What's this about, sir?

Righteous – Good news, everyone!

Everyone except Senseless and Center groan.

Blavik – Well, I think we can logically assume this week is going to be the proverbial ninth circle of hell.

Righteous – Does anyone remember a certain episode of TNG where the Enterprise went into a mock battle with another Federation ship?

Tener – I remember it sucked.

Righteous – Well, apparently there's some confusion in Starfleet as to what is the fastest Starship ever built. Now we're going to settle this dispute once and for all, or at least until another, faster ship gets built.

Genocide – How are we gonna settle this? Destroy every ship that comes close to our speed in a mock battle with real weapons?

Senseless – Nope, we're going to have a race.

Baque stands up and sort of looks off into space at nothing in particular, tears starting to fill his eyes.

Baque – This...is...the happiest day of my life!

Garell slams her fist down on the table hard enough to crack it.

Garell – DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IT WILL BE TO MAINTAIN THOSE SPEEDS LONG ENOUGH TO WIN A RACE!?! I'LL BE UP TO MY BLUE EARS IN WORK FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS FIXING ALL THE BURNT OUT SYSTEMS!

Bios – When is this race?

Tener – This is going to be a dumb episode, I just know it. We're talking zombie-level dumbness here, people!

Senseless – We've got two days to get ready.

Garell and Baque – TWO DAYS!?!?!?

Baque – I can't wait that long!

Garell – I can't have everything ready by then!

Bios – I could help.

Center – Me too, ma'am.

Senseless – Well, Lieutenant, since you haven't really broken anything in a while I guess it's OK. Both of you can help.

Bios and Center – Yay!

Tener - You're way too cheerful for eight o'clock in the morning.

Garell – How come the USS Litterbox gets to be the Federation's flagship?

Senseless – What does that have to do with anything?

Garell – Oh nothing, I'm just trying to take my mind of the fact that I'm FUCKED!

She gets up and storms out of the room.

Bios – We...should, probably...you know.

Bios and Center get up and quickly follow.

Righteous – Any questions anyone?

Baque – What ship are we racing against?

Senseless – Well Picard is being a whiner again, complaining he's always the only ship in the sector, so he's out. We'll be racing against the USS Avenger, a Prometheus Class ship.

Baque – The USS Avenger, eh?

Righteous – Yep-er-ee

Baque – Now it's personal...

He storms out of the room.

Senseless – We really need to crack down on regulations around here.

Opening credits...new ship! Yay! (Sort of...hey, if the producers of TNG can change the Enterprise-D model half way through the series, so can I!)

Scene 2 - Camera is watching as a Prometheus Class starship approaches the USS Celestial. The USS Litterbox can be seen sort of off in the distance, dropping buoys of some kind.

Righteous - Captain's log, stardate 436084.9. Since Admiral Spot hasn't gotten around to assigning us new orders, Starfleet has curtailed to the incessant requests by the public to race starships on interstellar live TV. However, they've enforced a seven second delay on the tape so they can bleep out various words the crew are likely to say. The Ferengi are running a betting pool and word has it we're not doing well. Looks like we're gonna make some people really rich because I for one intend to win. That is why I've been on my knees for the last four hours scoring browny points from the Prophets.

Camera goes to the Litterbox's transporter room, which is large and well furnished and looks like Starfleet actually put some effort into it. Righteous, Senseless, Genocide, Garell, and Baque materialize and are met by Admiral Spot, Captain Spot Jr. and several no-name high ranking officers: Two human males and a vulcan female.

Righteous - Kitties!

Spot Jr. - You say that every time you see one of us don't you?

Senseless - One would think the novelty would wear off but we are talking about Lee.

Baque's eyes narrow as he looks over the officers from the Avenger.

Spot - Righteous, Senseless, Genocide, Garell, Baque, please meet Captain Jones of the Avenger. This is his chief engineer Lieutenant-Commander Sa'lol, and their helmsman Lieutenant-Commander Edward Wong.

Wong - Well, well, well, that you, Toc?

Baque - It's been a long time, Ed...

Senseless - You two know each other?

Baque - You could say that, sir.

Jones - Excellent, then that should help matters. Well, It's been a pleasure meeting all of you, and I'll see you in, um, 44 hours. I hope you'll have enough time to get your ship up and running.

Wong - If you want my advice, don't bother. It will save you time and energy.

Captain Jones and Lieutenant-Commander Wong step onto the transporter pad.

Jones - Energize.

Bzzzzzzzzt! Senseless, Righteous, Genocide, and Baque walk away, Baque practically foaming at the mouth.

Righteous - That was rude of them.

Senseless - Oh it's just a little friendly competition banter.

Baque - It was more than a little friendly competition banter and Wong knows it...tell me we're gonna kick their asses, commander?

Senseless - They won't know what hit them.

Genocide - We're using weapons?

Senseless (shaking his head) - I try, I try...

Camera goes over to Garell and Sa'lol who are shaking hands out of courtesy.

Sa'lol - It's agreeable to meet you, Lieutenant-Commander. I am eager to trade notes. I imagine you have much experience in the field of quantum slipstream technology that I would be interested in hearing.

Garell - We're not allowed to use anything but warp engines in this race.

Sa'lol - I know that. On that note, I would be willing to help you increase your engine efficiency. I should be able to increase your top speed to a point where you won't lose too badly.

Garell's eyes narrow.

Garell - ...I don't like you!

She stalks off and follows the rest of her colleagues. Sa'lol simply stands in the middle of the transporter room and raises and eyebrow. Camera moves to the Celestial crew who have been joined by Admiral Nelix.

Nelix - So...think you can beat them?

Genocide - Nope. They're the fastest class of ship in Starfleet. Four nacelles is always better than two.

Garell - Oh we'll see about that. Their chief engineer is a total ass. I could see the arrogance under all that logic, she's not hiding anything!

Baque - ...I...nevermind.

Nelix - Well, in case you didn't know, the USS Avenger is from the 5th fleet. Know Fleet Admiral Nechayev?

Senseless - That hard-assed Fleet Admiral that pissed Picard off for years?

Nelix - That's the one.

Righteous - Hey, if she's the same rank as Admiral Spot, how come Admiral Spot gets to tell her what to do?

Nelix - Superiority by species and position. That, and the author doesn't know of any rank higher than Fleet Admiral to promote Spot to.

Genocide - How come you're not a Fleet Admiral, sir?

Nelix - Because the ninth fleet only consists of 47 ships. I can name most of them on one paw...Celestial, Saratoga, Citadel, Enterprise...um...Scratchingpost...um...no that's it I guess. Anyway, I've made a HUGE bet with her that you guys will pull this off. Don't ask me why, I can't remember. We were both totally wasted at some bar for Admirals and I wasn't thinking clearly when I said you guys could actually do something that requires competence. Now, don't screw this up.

Baque - We'll beat them or die trying, sir!

Nelix - Good, I love win-win situations. Oh, here's my stop.

He trots over to a turbolift and gets in.

Nelix - Deck 36.

The doors close and the Celestial officers continue on their way.

Righteous - Hey, helmboy, what's the deal with you and the guy with the generic name?

Baque - You really want to know?

Genocide - No, but you'll probably tell us anyway.

Baque - Years ago, that snide fucker and I were big rivals for the position of top piolet in our class at the academy. After we graduated, it continued until one day we pulled up at an intersection at the same time. Anyway, long story short, the last words he said to me were "I don't have to outrun the cop hovercar, I just have to outrun you." That's how I ended up in prison for nearly six months, and he gets a promotion to Lieutenant-Commander several weeks later! I just wanna wipe that smug expression off his face for once and prove I'm a better piolet!

Genocide - Wow...that's incredible...did we just have a character-building moment?

Garell - If I didn't know better I'd say yes.

Righteous - Well, so you wanna beat their helmsman, and blue woman here doesn't like their chief engineer. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship between our two ships. Isn't it nice when everyone gets along?

Spot Jr. walks past just in time to catch that last paragraph.

Spot Jr. - Captain Jones released a paper a while ago saying he believed the Prophets and the Pah Wraiths were essentially the same.

Righteous (raising a fist) - It's on...

Spot Jr. (Walking out of view) - My work is done.

Scene 3 - In the Celestial's astrometrics lab, Bios is going over the race course when Senseless comes in.

Senseless - You wanted to see me?

Bios - Yeah, take a look at this course.

Senseless - What should I be looking for?

Bios - Here, a group of subspace anomalies that would collapse our warp field and burn out the warp core if hit. Here, a class seven supergiant star at the final stage of it's life. The course requires us to practically fly through its coronosphere. Here, a black hole. Here, a dense asteroid field. And that's just the beginning. We've got "turn hard to port or smack into a planet" and "fly blind through this nebula" and "one ship at a time" narrow subspace corridors. Who in the name of all that is binary choose this course?

Senseless - Admiral Spot, Admiral Nelix, and Captain Spot. Jr. led a team on the Litterbox to come up with this...

Bios - I think the cats are out to get us.

Senseless - I'll look into it. In the meantime, go over this course with Baque and Garell. I want them prepared.

Bios - Ooookay...

Senseless leaves the room.

Scene 4 - Senseless walks into a room aboard the USS Litterbox. Everywhere, cats are working consoles or setting up machinery, or just lounging around chatting in cat talk. Senseless searches through the dozens of furry uniform wearing quadrupeds till he finds Fleet Admiral Spot.

Senseless - Ma'am, can I have a word with you?

Spot - Sure (turning to a lieutenant cat). Just amplify it with another power cell. (Turning back to Senseless) What can I do for you, Commander?

Senseless - First of all, why are there so many cats involved with this race?

Spot - You don't know? Cats run practically every race and always have, albeit sometimes undercover.

Senseless - What?

Spot - NASCAR, F-1, the early shuttle races...felines have influenced them all. Our involvement goes back as far as the Roman chariot races and even further to ancient Egypt.

Senseless - Um...why?

Spot - Racing is in our blood. Ever wondered why cats sort of run for no reason and dart after things they have no intention of eating?

Senseless - Actually I tend to see cats as creatures that sleep 16 hours a day and generally don't do anything in the way of physical activity unless they have to.

Spot - I'll let that slip due to your tiny human brain.

Senseless - Right, ma'am. Second question: What is up with the course? Isn't it kind of...dangerous?

Spot - You clearly have no knowledge of the principals involved with getting high ratings.

Senseless - This could easily kill us!

Spot - No knowledge...Commander, doom and gloom is what people want to see! It makes them happy knowing that their miserable lives could always be a lot worse. Why do you think people watch the news? And don't pull the "because they care what's happening around the quadrant" line, I've heard it a million times before.

Senseless - Why do I get the feeling this has more to do with than just figuring out what ship is the fastest?

Spot - Good deduction, Sherlock. If this pulls as many viewers as we hope it will, we'll launch it full swing! Imagine, every week, massive starships race each other around dangerous courses while billions of screaming fans watch. _Think about the advertising implications!_

Senseless - But the Federation doesn't use money!

Spot - True, but we do use resources, and Starfleet could REALLY use some good resources. There are plenty of external factions who would love to cough over some metal and dylithium for a little screen time. We've already signed a deal with the Ferengi for this race.

Senseless - This is ridiculous, ma'am. We could easily die.

Spot puts her paw to her forehead and shakes her head.

Spot (sigh) - Commander, I didn't get to be the head of Starfleet by not thinking things through. Starfleet needs external funding because the Federation is broke. That's what you get for being communist and letting in races with absolutely no resources to speak of...coughBajorcough. Now, we've done a lot of work on this and we've all come to the conclusion that it is no less safe than NASCAR or practically every other race we've done. As long as you stick to your wits you'll be fine...and if you DO die, hey, look on the bright side!

Senseless - There's a bright side?

Spot - At least you'll go up in flames and it'll be seen by hundreds of billions of people! Now go, I'm busy.

Senseless, shocked and with his mouth hanging open, leaves the room in a daze.

Scene 5 - Camera is watching the Celestial and the Avenger line up between some flashing buoys. The words "two days later" flash across the screen. Hundreds of non-Starfleet ships are lining the course and a mobile Starbase has been moved in, with huge transceiver antennas on the top. Camera goes to said Station, where the entire crew of the Celestial, Captain Jones, Lieutenant-Commander's Wong and Sa'lol, and Admiral's Spot, Nelix, Nechayev, and Captain Spot Jr. are chatting away.

Baque - Ed, you're ass if toast, you hear me?

Wong - Bring it, bitch!

Genocide and a no-name restrain Baque and Wong before they can rip the stuffing out of each other.

Genocide - Toc, there will be plenty of time for this after we win.

A very, very large orange tabby cat walks in, a scar across his left eye and missing part of his right ear.

Spot - Ah, you're here. Everyone, I'd like you to meet Mittens.

Puker - _Mittens?!?_

Mittens (deep voice) - It's a pleasure to meet you all. I will be announcing this race.

Righteous - ...What does that mean, Jack?

Senseless - It means when we explode in a ball of fire he'll be the one saying "oh what a spectacle!" and getting paid a lot.

Mittens - Hopefully that won't happen...at least not until near the end of the race.

Camera goes over to a corner where Garell is talking quietly to Blavik.

Garell - Alright ensign...

Blavik - Yes, ma'am?

Garell - Did you complete the mission?

Blavik - I have found nothing that would evoke the emotion of total humiliation from her. I'm afraid you're on your own, ma'am.

Garell - Damn it there must be some way to screw with her head and make her mess up on the job.

Blavik - Why did you ask me to do it?

Garell - Because I don't know the first thing about vulcan psychology. Damn. Alright, now, here's what I want you to do:

Blavik - I'm sorry, ma'am, but I refuse to take part in this. You'll have to manage without me.

Blavik walks away.

Garell - Ah who needs you.

Garell hops over to Sa'lol.

Garell - My warp engines are gonna kick your's in the ventral exhaust port!

Sa'lol - We have three warp cores.

Garell - Ours is bigger than yours put together!

Sa'lol - Must you be so illogical? This is simply a friendly competition.

Garell - Yeah, you keep on saying that but I can see it: This race means the galaxy to you! You can't stand the thought of losing to a ship full of emotional non-vulcans!

Sa'lol - There are several dozen vulcans serving on the Celestial. I can assure you–

Garell - OUR SHIP IS GONNA SHOW YOU WHO'S THE SUPERIOR SPECIES!

Tener - Ma'am, I don't think I've ever seen you so confident in the performance of the Celestial.

Garell - I've been up for 50 hours straight! I've drank so much coffee that I would say anything just to hear myself talk! MY GOD THERE'S A STAIN ON THE CARPET!

Garell runs screaming from the room. Everyone looks at her. While everyone has their back to her, Sa'lol gives the "up yours" signal to Garell.

Righteous - What in the Celestial Temple was that all about?

Senseless - Best not to worry about it.

Mittens - Wow look at the time. Get to your ships everyone!

Senseless - Senseless to Celestial, eleven to transport.

The Celestial's senior staff plus Admiral Nelix are transported to the Celestial. They leave the transporter room and head for the bridge.

Righteous - Stations, everyone!

Garell - Let's take names and kick ass!

Baque - There's only one name I'm taking, and only one ass I really want to kick. Structural integrity to maximum, weapons at standby, shields to half power! All available power to the engines! Prepare for maximum warp.

Senseless - Yellow alert.

Tener - Hey, guess what? This is the first time we've gone to yellow alert that I can remember!

Bios - Shouldn't you be at your station?

Tener - My station is wandering around the ship. Today I feel like patrolling the bridge. Bite me.

Bios - Alright, calm down.

The intercom activates and Mittens and Spot can be heard talking as music plays in the background.

Mittens - Good afternoon, race fans! It's a beautiful day on Risa at least, I can't speak for the rest of the 200 some Federation worlds out there! We're here with Fleet Admiral Spot, head of Starfleet, who has graciously allowed us to race two of Starfleet's fastest starships in the most dangerous course every devised! There will be explosions, there will be mayhem, there will be lots and lots of NOISE! And! We're catching it all on LIVE camera, fed directly to a subspace relay near you!

At that, five camera-men materialize on the bridge and start setting up tri-pods or turning on head-cams.

Righteous - Yay! We're on TV!

Cameraman #1 - Actually this is mostly for status displays and the explosions that are bound to happen.

Senseless - In other words, Captain, keep your mouth shut.

Nelix - Couldn't have said it better myself.

Genocide - I hope I get to shoot something.

Back on the station...

Mittens - So, tell us Admiral, what _is_ the top speed of these ships?

Spot - No one's quite sure. The Celestial had a manufactured maximum speed of warp 9.936, but I know for a fact they've gone faster on occasion. They just need the right motivation. Threatening them helps. The Avenger is, by design, faster, but they've never managed to churn out more than a few hundredths of a warp factor more than their top speed.

Mittens - That's incredible. So, for those of you watching back home, these vessels will be moving at over 1 billion kilometres per second! That's fast!

Camera goes to Senseless, who rolls his eyes.

Senseless - You'd think by the way this guy is talking that half the viewers are uneducated rednecks. I pity the scholars who choose to watch this crap.

Bios - If people are still reading these episodes, they've probably been desensitized to the crappy writing by now.

Righteous - Now, helm boy, rev the engine please.

Baque - We're in space, what good would that do?

Righteous - Oh you're no fun.

Mittens - Piolets, start your engines!

Baque - Already on, now hurry up!

Mittens - And...

The lights hanging just outside the starting place and in between the two ships start count down through red, then yellow, then–

Mittens - GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baque hits the antimatter and the ship jumps to maximum warp. Everyone is thrown to the back of their seats as the Celestial undergoes extreme acceleration.

Tener (holding onto the railing behind the command chairs) - THIS EPISODE SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Righteous - THIS IS REALLY FUNNNNN!!!

Baque - I need more power!

Garell - You're crazy!

The Avenger can be seen pulling ahead on the viewscreen.

Garell - Oh...ok more power coming up.

Camera watches as the two ships approach a field of spacial anomalies.

Bios - Baque, adjust course, bearing 4 mark 0.

Baque - Got it.

The Celesial narrowly misses a spacial anomaly.

Bios - We're flying a two million metric tonne hunk of metal at a billion kilometres per second: What could go wrong?

Center - HA! The Avenger grazed an anomaly! They're losing speed!

Senseless - Punch it!

Baque - Punching it, sir!

The Celestial puts in a burst of speed and takes the lead.

Scene 6 - The Celestial is still in the lead as both ships fly through a nebula.

Righteous - Captain's log, stardate 436090.8. I'm bored.

Camera goes to the Celestial's bridge. Baque and Garell are looking incredibly stressed out, while Righteous slouches in his chair looking very bored.

Righteous - How much longer!?!

Center - Probably another forty five minutes, sir.

Righteous - Prophets damn it how can anyone stand this crap? I've got a perfect seat and I'm still bored out of my skull.

Baque - Would you mind shutting up, I'm trying to drive!

Bios - I wish the sensors were working. I have a feeling we're going the wrong way.

Baque - Yeah well as long as the Avenger keep following us, emphasis on follow, we're fine.

Center - We're leaving the nebula. Sensors are coming back online.

Bios - Finally. Triangulating our position. Amazing, we're right where we're supposed to be. The black hole is next.

Genocide - We've had bad experiences with black holes if I recall.

Nelix - Admiral Spot says it's safe.

Senseless - Didn't Admiral Spot used to hate you?

Nelix - Oh she still does. She's just better at hiding it.

Senseless - Doesn't seem like she hates you at all.

Nelix - Trust me, if Admiral Spot liked me you guys wouldn't be part of the ninth fleet.

Senseless - Makes sense. Garell, how are the engines holding out?

Garell - You don't wanna know.

Camera goes to engineering where the warp core is glowing red hot and the no-names are sweating like pigs.

NoName #1 - Boy is it just me or is it getting hot in here?

The no-name behind him suddenly bursts into flames and vaporises. Camera goes back to the bridge.

Senseless - Can we keep up our speed?

Garell - Probably not, but I have an idea.

Righteous - Oh do tell, I could use some amusement.

Garell - Well, if we swing around that black hole, which we should do anyway, we could gain quite a bit of speed.

Bios - Correct me if I'm wrong, but couldn't that also slingshot us backwards in time?

Garell - Exactly! We'll end up on the other side of the black hole but several minutes or seconds earlier! It'll throw us ahead of them.

Senseless - If you're wrong, we'll end up hundreds of years in the past.

Garell - Don't worry I've calculated this out. Besides, I doubt a ship this big can travel more than a few minutes back in time, and the event horizon of the black hole will probably prevent time travel anyway, but its worth a shot.

Righteous - Sounds fun. Do it.

Bios - Fine. Calculating now.

Baque - ...Got it. Hang on.

Bridge of the Avenger.

Wong - What the hell?

Jones - Why are we detecting two Celestial's?

Bridge of the Celestial. Everyone is being pushed back into their chairs.

Garell - It's working! We've gone back five, six, ten seconds!

Baque - We're leaving the gravity well.

Garell - Yeah! We're way ahead of them! As long as we keep up our speed they won't stand a chance!

Foom!!!!!! The lights flicker.

Genocide - You HAD to open your mouth, didn't you?

Garell - We're losing speed! I can't figure it out! I'd better get to Engineering.

She leaves the bridge.

Camera goes to the Avenger's bridge.

NoName #1 (at Ops) - SIR! Look out!

Too late. The Avenger's warp field collides with the Celestial's fluctuating warp field and things explode on both ships, killing NoName #1. In the end, both vessels drop to impulse and start drifting. Camera goes to the station.

Mittens - Ladies and gentlemen, and transgendered species, there seems to be some kind of difficulty involving the ships. They've both dropped to impulse. Scratch that, they've both stopped moving altogether. I think now would be a great time to go to a commercial break.

Spot - Knowing them, make it a long one...

Scene 7 - Messhall. Tener is sitting amidst the fires and debris sipping a cup of coffee. Garell comes in.

Garell - Hey! Shouldn't you be helping to repair the engines before the Avenger does?

Tener - Nope. I'm taking this episode off.

Garell - Dare I ask why?

Tener - Because the plot sucks. It's been done before a million different times and I'm getting sick of it. I read ahead in the author's mind and I get to have next episode practically to myself, which means work, work, and more work. So with all due respect, ma'am, fuck off.

Garell backs out of the room.

Garell - Sadly, he has a point.

Scene 8 - Garell walks onto the bridge to find Baque still trying to get the ship to move and Senseless barking orders at no-names. Righteous is fast asleep, snoring loudly.

Garell - Good news and bad news.

Baque - Give me both at the same time.

Garell - Good news is we've got warp drive back online. Bad news is that we've been pulled so far into the gravitational pull of the black hole that we can't break free. We'll need a stronger warp field and it'll take a long time to manage that with our damaged engines.

Center - Commander, the Avenger is hailing.

Senseless - On screen.

Captain Jones appears on the screen.

Jones - Do you have the same problem we have? Warp field not strong enough?

Senseless - Yes. I don't think we're in any danger, but we're stuck here until we can get a stronger warp field, and that could take hours to achieve.

Jones - If we work together, we can both break free in time to finish the race.

Baque - Uh, uh, no way in HELL I'm working with _him_!

Wong - Same here! We'll find our own way out, Captain.

Jones - We don't have a choice. Commander, why is your captain asleep?

Senseless - He got bored. How can we work together?

Jones - If we bring our ships really close and merge our warp fields, we can produce a strong enough one to break free of the black hole's gravity.

Senseless - OK let's do it. Lieutenant Baque, work with their helmsman.

Tener walks onto the bridge.

Tener - I'd like to point out to those still paying attention that this was so utterly inevitable I threw up half an hour ago when I realized it. That is the reason I'm not puking my guts up all over the carpet right now. God I hate these dumb character building scenes.

Garell - I thought you were taking the day off?

Tener - I am.

Tener hops over to Bios' station and sits on the console, much to her annoyance.

Tener - Can you get HBO on this thing?

Bios - Leave me alone, I'm trying to pretend to work...and yes, here's the remote.

Senseless - Baque, just get us out of here.

Wong and Baque glare at each other but go ahead and move the ships so that the Celestial is right beneath the Avenger.

Garell - The warp field is stabilizing.

Senseless - Go to maximum warp!

Camera watches as both ships jump to warp with only a few metres between them, leading to a double flash. Camera goes to the announcing station.

Mittens - Ladies and gentlemen and transgendered species, the contestants are moving again! Our ratings are saved.

Spot - It's stuff like this that makes me gain faith in Righteous, but then something usually happens to destroy it all again.

Camera goes back to the Celestial's bridge.

Jones (screen) - Good work everyone. Now, let's come to a stop and then start up again–

Baque - EAT MY IONS, ASSHOLES!

The camera watches as the Celestial veers away from the Avenger, separating the warp fields and nearly crushing both ships. On the bridge, everyone gets back in their chairs.

Righteous - Prophets damn it! Who woke me up!?

Baque - Garell, any more bright ideas, because they're gaining on us again.

Garell - Sorry, we're fresh out of time travel devices and our engines are still overheating.

Center - Um, they're almost ahead of us.

Genocide - Shall I destroy them, sir?

Senseless - I thought you had left.

Genocide - Nope I wouldn't miss us getting our butts kicked for the world.

Baque looks at his console and realizes the Avenger is right next to them.

Baque - Oh no you don't!

He veers slightly to port and slams into the Avenger, throwing it off course momentarily. It comes back and slams into the Celestial even harder. Everyone on both bridges gets thrown around, except the helmsmen.

Senseless - Holy shit! Watch it, Toc!

Baque - Mess off commander, I'm not losing to this bastard again! Garell! I need EVERYTHING you have in the way of power!

Garell - You're gonna get us all killed!

Nelix - Excellent...hey, I'm still on the ship! OH CRAP!

Baque - Feel free to leave.

He hops over to the briefing room and is about to open the escape pod when he spies the Avenger broadside the Celestial again and decides against it. Nexli goes back to the bridge.

Baque - Enough of this. Computer, activate the manual steering assembly.

His console pulls away and spins into the floor. It is replaced by two joysticks, one which controls pitch, yaw, and roll and the other which controls the x and y axis thrusters. Two pedals controlling forward and reverse or z axis engines raise up from the floor. Baque grabs both joysticks and puts his feet on the pedals.

Baque - Computer, activate multi-directional viewing monitor.

A device similar to the portable viewscreen's the Dominion uses materializes on his face and activates.

Baque - That's better!

Genocide - When the hell did you install that!?!

Baque - Shut up, I'm trying to drive.

He pulls the yaw and x axis controls to port and rams into the Avenger again, but doesn't bounce off this time. Camera watches as the warp fields of both ships fizzle wildly, and lights flicker in the windows. Camera goes to the station.

Mittens - They're neck and neck, grating against one another, heading for the finish line. They're on the final stretch, it's gonna be close!!

Spot - They're entering the no-warp area. How did either of those piolets manage to get past ground school?

Both ships drop out of warp. Without the warp fields, they slam into each other's shields. Camera goes to a freaked out Genocide.

Genocide - Shields are falling fast!

Baque - I can taste the finish line.

Righteous - Oh I sure hope the Prophets aren't all on vacation...

Camera goes to Spot and Mittens who are peering through the window on the station at the two ships approaching at a quarter the speed of light, still crashing against each other.

Mittens - Everyone, it's gonna be a photo finish! I can't watch!

Spot - They're heading right for us!!!

Sure enough, both ships barrel through the finish line, so close it's impossible to see who won with the eye. They finally bounce off each other. The Avenger plows right into the station, sending it spinning wildly. The Celestial, being larger and heavier and less inclined to stop, plows right into an array of civilian ships which are parked by the starting line. One is a tellerite freighter, the same freighter which has been seen in numerous episodes, always getting damaged.

Tellerite #1 - Oh not again!

SMASH! The Celestial finally comes to a stop after nearly destroying said freighter. Camera goes to the bridge. Everyone has been tossed from their seats.

Garell - Congratulations, the warp core is offline.

Baque - Did we win?

Genocide - Shields are down. Hull breaches on decks 6, 10, and 19.

Center - The station is hailing us.

Righteous - On the seeing thing, please.

Admiral Spot, bouncing around the room as the station spins, yells at them.

Spot - CONGRATULATIONS! YOU WON! BY A NANOMETRE!

Baque - We won!?!

Garell - Barely...

Baque - A nanometre or a lightyear, it's still a win! Excuse me Admiral, I have to gloat.

The screen splits and Captain Jones and Lieutenant-Commander Wong appear on half of the screen.

Baque - IN YOUR FACE, ED! TAKE THAT!

Wong - You cheated! You rammed us! Your ship was bigger, you had the advantage!

Baque - Oh this is rich! He's pouting! Bios, record this conversation, I'm gonna replay it over and over for the next couple decades!

Wong - This isn't over, Toc, I'm still a better piolet!

Baque - The large trophy we're getting would say otherwise. I don't think a person could be more happy than I am right–

Nelix - NECHAYEV OWES ME MONEY! OH YES! OH YES! SCORE A MILLION FOR THE FURRY PEOPLE! I TOLD HER CATS WERE NATURALS AT PICKING THE WINNING TEAM! NOTHING COULD RUIN THIS DAY!

Spot - Admiral, the USS Scratchingpost is on important Federation business right now. Ride back to Earth with the Celestial.

Nelix - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

Tener - Worst...episode...ever...I think we've set a new low.

Nelix - SON OF A BITCH! DAMN IT!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	14. Celestial 34

Star Trek: Celestial #34 - Over the Ion Storm

By Swordtail

Started June 1, 2007

Finished June 8, 2007

I feel like ripping off something today. Here we go!

Scene 1 - A shuttle flies through space at warp speed.

Righteous - Captain's log, stardate 436095.4. The Celestial's engines were damaged and Admiral Nelix got impatient so we're flying back to Earth in a shuttle. End log.

Camera goes inside the shuttle, where Captain Righteous, Commander Senseless, and Lieutenant's Baque, Bios, and Tener, along with Admiral Nelix are cramped in and looking bored...again.

Senseless - Captain, try to remember to transfer that log entry to the Celestial's main computer when we get back.

Righteous - I'm gonna do what in the where now?

Nelix - You're gonna keep your mouth shut for the entire trip.

Righteous - Well I'll try.

Bios - Why am I coming again?

Senseless - In case we need to repair something.

Bios - Look, I know nothing has broken in a while due to me, but I still don't think that's such a good idea.

The shuttle starts to shake.

Baque - Woah...level 2 ion storm approaching. Wait...this isn't right. I'm picking up massive subspace fluctuations within. I have no idea what will happen if we get too close.

Senseless - Steer us clear of it, Lieutenant.

Baque - Aye sir...uh oh.

Righteous - Uh oh?

Baque - It's pulling us in and I can't break free.

Nelix - Divert power to the engines.

Baque - Trying, sir.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Baque - We're being pulled in faster.

Bios - It's our engines! Shut them down!

Baque - I'm trying! They're not responding! It looks like the ODN lines are malfunctioning!

Bios - I just replaced them this morning!

Everyone looks at her.

Senseless - God damn it, Bios.

Bios - I told you it wasn't a good idea to bring me!

Baque - Structural integrity is failing! This thing is attracted to our engines like ants to wet honey-nut cheerios!

Senseless - Will escape pods survive the storm?

Bios - I think so, they don't have warp engines and they're much smaller which means the ion flux will be a lot less. Yes, I think we'd be fine.

Righteous - I don't know exactly what you said but ABANDON SHIP!!!

Senseless - We only have three escape pods, everyone double up.

Baque and Bios climb into one escape pod and start prepare to eject.

Baque - Don't touch ANYTHING, OK?

Senseless and Righteous get into another.

Senseless - Same to you, captain.

Righteoua - Awww...

Tener and Nelix climb into the last pod and close the hatch just as the front window on the shuttle breaks and all the air gets sucked out. Keep in mind this is larger than your average shuttlecraft. Camera goes out to watch the three pods eject just as the shuttle explodes in a ball of fire. One pod gets damaged by the explosion and starts to drift with the storm. Inside...

Tener - Ah!

Nelix - HISS!

Camera watches as the pod is thrown around and then disappears with a flash. It reappears right over a planet and proceeds to fall through the atmosphere.

Nelix - What's happening!?

Tener - I DON'T KNOW! PLEASE REMOVE YOUR CLAWS FROM MY ARM, SIR!

Opening credits, followed by several minutes of commercials, or several hours if this is being shown on TBS.

Scene 2 - On a random planet in a random part of the galaxy (but not too far from Federation space for plot purposes), A mean looking guy in a pointy hat is barking orders at mean looking henchmen, who are oppressing the native population of goofy forehead aliens, making them mine naquadah and killing those who complain about wanting to eat. Then, out of nowhere, a Federation escape pod comes crashing through the air in a ball of fire, and crashes into the ground a good hundred metres behind the mean looking important guy. It slides along the ground, killing dozens of henchmen, and finally stops after running over the important bad guy. The hatch blows off and a coughing Tener and Nelix climb out.

Tener - What the..

All around them, the natives stop digging in the mud and start cheering. A couple of them come up and pick up Tener and Nelix and start parading them around the village.

Tener - I don't think we're in Federation space anymore, Admiral.

Nelix - No, whatever gave you that impression?

Tener - Excuse me! Hello!? Hey, over here! Could one of you tell us where we are?

NoName #1 - Why, you're on Munchkinia Prime!

Nelix - Never heard of it.

Tener - What a dumb name for a planet.

NoName #1 - You have saved us from the evil warlord of the Western Hemisphere! You are our heros!

Nelix - Well that's all nice and good, but we'll just be getting some parts to fix our escape pod and be on our way.

With the camera on their faces, and their backs to the pod, it explodes in a ball of fire. Without even turning around, both just let their faces drop.

Tener - It exploded, didn't it.

Nelix - Yep.

Tener - I don't suppose you people have warp technology?

NoName #2 - What a silly name for a technology, of course we don't!

Nelix - It figures.

Then, out of nowhere, a Overly Attractive Female, wearing typical Overly Attractive Female clothing, approaches them.

Overly Attractive Female - Excuse me, I'm not important enough to have a name. But, if you're looking for advanced technology, you could try asking the powerful magician who live in the capital city to the North. His name is Q.

Tener - Wait a minute...this is getting really familiar somehow.

Nelix - Sounds like as good a plan as any. How do we get to this city?

Overly Attractive Female - Why, you just follow this road made of yellow concrete.

Tener - OK, if this gets any more familiar without me figuring out where I've heard of it before, I'm going to have a hernia.

They look and see that said road goes off for several hundred or thousand kilometres in the distance, swerving and winding, often turning back on itself.

Nelix - Haven't you people ever heard of "as the crow flies?"

NoName #1 - The paver was retarded. We didn't think it would be a problem to give him a easy job...

So Tener and Admiral Nelix start out walking down the yellow road as the villagers wave after them, oblivious to the smouldering remains of the escape pod.

NoName #1 - They're not coming back from this are they?

Overly Attractive Female - Nope.

Scene 3 - In a dark lair somewhere, Chester, the cat that just won't die (...but the cat came back, the very next day, the cat came back, they thought he was a goner but...sorry) is looking into a monitor at Tener and Nelix as they leave the village.

Chester - Curses! How did they get here!?!

Henchman #1 - Shall we destroy them?

Chester - Yes, let's go. Everyone get your jet-pack's on.

Scene 4 - On the USS Celestial, Lieutenant-Commander's Genocide and Garell, Doctor Puker, and Ensign's Blavik and Center are standing around the bridge with nothing to do.

Garell - Who knew the engines from that tellerite freighter would work with ours? Think we should go look for them and speed up their return to Earth so they don't have to deal with Admiral Nelix any longer?

Pause...

Everyone except Center - NAH!

Beep, beep, beep!

Center - I'm picking up a Starfleet distress signal! It's coming from a point ten lightyears from here.

Genocide - (sigh) Well we'd better check it out. Lay in a course.

Blavik - Aye sir.

Genocide - YOU'RE flying?

Blavik - Is that a problem, sir?

Genocide - You're a nurse, not a piolet!

Blavik - Would you rather a no-name flies the ship?

Genocide - Just get us there in one piece, ok?

Puker - Ensign, you once told me you weren't old enough to have a piolet's license. How come you know how to fly a ship?

Blavik - I turned 32 a few weeks ago. I took the necessary courses through the holodeck and preformed the final test shortly before we entered that race the other day.

Puker - How come I wasn't informed?!?

Blavik - Because you would have insisted on throwing a party.

Garell - I thought you told me you always wanted to indulge in the human custom of "partying till you lose consciousness from being drunk"?

Blavik - You obviously haven't spent enough time around Doctor Puker to understand the kind of party he is likely to throw. Now, which one of these buttons does the "Engage" thing?

Camera watches the Celestial shakily go to warp.

Scene 5 - Tener and Nelix are still walking down the yellow paved road when they spy a Pakled poking a low electric fence over and over.

Pakled - Ow.

ZZZZT!

Pakled - Ow.

Tener - What the hell are you doing?

Pakled - I'm trying to get past this fence.

Nelix - Why don't you just climb over it?

Pakled - Wow! That's brilliant!

He climbs clumsily over the fence and joins the two Starfleet officers on the road.

Pakled - It's so hard to figure stuff out with no brain.

Nelix - You have no brain?

Pakled - Nope. I look for things to help me think.

Nelix - Well why don't you come with us. We're going to see a Q. I'm sure he would be able to make you smarter.

Paklet - OK! Which way?

Tener - Here comes the hernia...

Nelix - Shut up, Lieutenant. Come, this way.

They all continue walking, but soon stop when they spy a cloud of black objects moving toward them from the east.

Tener - Oh what now...

Hordes of goofy forehead aliens wearing jet-packs, led by Chester, also wearing a jet-pack, descend toward them.

Chester - HALT! Don't move or I'll kill you!

Tener - Don't you ever give up?

Nelix - What do you want, Chester!? Are we here because of your doing?

Chester - Not at all, but I must thank you. Since you killed the warlord of the western hemisphere, I now have total control of this planet! Ha ha ha!

Tener - Well you're welcome. Now we're leaving.

He starts to walk but a phaser beam hits the ground just in front of him.

Chester - You're coming with me to be my hostages in case your comrades come knocking! Flying henchmen, get them!

Tener - Oh please...

Tener, being a security guard and prone to carrying weapons at all times, whips out a phaser and starts shooting at the jet-pack wearing aliens. They all fall back and retreat. Tener starts trying to hit Chester, who also flees.

Chester - THIS ISN'T OVER...!

Nelix - Well this is getting dumb.

Pakled - If I had brain, I could help!

Tener - Just shut up...man I wish I had gotten one of those jet-packs, it would really help us right now.

Nelix - No sense complaining. Keep moving.

Tener - I'm sure I've heard of this kind of thing before...I'm sure!

Scene 6 - The Celestial drops out of warp and approaches two escape pods.

Righteous - Captain's log, supplemental. We're saved!

Camera goes to the transporter room, where Senseless, Righteous, Baque, and Bios materialize on the platform and are met by Puker and Genocide.

Puker - Where's Tener and Admiral Nelix?

Righteous - They weren't with us?

Genocide - No there was no sign of them. No wreckage or anything within a billion kilometre radius.

Senseless - What about shuttle wreckage?

Genocide - Not a piece.

Senseless - (sigh) Well we'd better go find them...

Scene 7 - On Munchkinia Prime, Tener is following the Pakled and Admiral Nelix who are now humming various Broadway show tunes and skipping down the yellow paved road. Suddenly, the come across a meditating Vulcan.

Vulcan - Greetings. Live long and prosper.

Tener - Wait, we MUST be in Federation space! How did you and this Pakled guy get here otherwise?

They both ignore him.

Nelix - So what's your story?

Vulcan - I require a heart, to better interact with emotional species.

Tener just rolls his eyes.

Nelix - Why don't you come with us to visit the Q in the capital city? I'm sure he can just give you emotions with a snap of the fingers.

Vulcan - It seems logical. I shall join you.

So, the trio becomes four and they all continue skipping along the road on their way to the capital city, Tener muttering under his breath as he follows at a brisk walk.

Scene 8 - On the Celestial's bridge, everyone is looking for Admiral Nelix, and finding Tener would be an added bonus.

Senseless - Anything?

Bios - There's residual subspace damage, but even if they were sucked into subspace, it doesn't explain the lack of escape pod debris.

Garell - I've maxed out sensor resolution. If we're not detecting them, they're not out there.

Righteous - Maybe the Prophets moved them somewhere.

Baque - That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Ensign, can I have the helm back _now!?!_

Blavik - Sorry sir, I'm having too much fun.

Baque - I thought vulcans didn't have fun?

Blavik - We make exceptions when we're flying million metric tonne warships at high speeds.

Baque - Commmmmmmmmaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnndeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr!!!!

Senseless - Oh fine, Ensign, give the whining lieutenant his seat back.

Blavik - As you wish, sir.

Baque - Woo hoo!

Puker - It just goes to show that when the going gets tough we can count on more than just no-names to preform bridge tasks.

Bios - My console is covered in blood!

Puker - Well I couldn't preform that surgery AND keep an eye on the sensors from sickbay, now could I?

Bios - Yes you could have! Ever heard of rerouting controls?

Righteous - I'm leaning toward the Prophets taking the angry cat and the guy I promoted for no good reason.

Senseless - Oh please, sir, just give it a rest.

Bios - Actually...the Captain might be onto something, commander.

Senseless - What?

Righteous - Yay!

Bios - Wormholes! They've been known to traverse small distances before. Remember Star Trek: The Motion Picture?

Genocide - No, we're trying very hard to forget about it, and you'd be wise never to mention it again, Lieutenant. Because as soon as we start talking about ST 1 we get into this big philosophical discussion about the origins of the Borg and the Q.

The Q everyone knows appears on the bridge.

Q - Did someone say my name?

Everyone - No! Go away!

Q - Picard tolerated me! I'll go bother him!

Q disappears in a flash of white light.

Senseless - Anyway...You think they were pulled into a wormhole?

Bios - Well it's just a theory, but a good of one as any. We'd have better data if we could recover the shuttle's flight recorder.

Genocide - Well, if you see it, let me know.

Bios - I'm just saying...

Senseless - Well, start scanning for wormholes, subspace fissures, anything that moves things around. Maybe we can hold off calling Admiral Spot for just a little while longer.

Scene 9 - Tener, still muttering to himself, is following Nelix, Pakled, and Vulcan as they skip down the yellow paved road. Suddenly, a Klingon jumps out of the bushes and runs at them with a bat'leth.

Klingon - PREPARE FOR BATTLE!

Tener - Oh please...

Tener whips out his trusty phaser and aims at the Klingon.

Klingon - AH!!!

The Klingon stops dead in his tracks and starts running back the way he came. Tener rolls his eyes and shoots him. The klingon falls flat on his back, nearly unconscious. The four others go up to him.

Nelix - Afraid of a particle weapon? What kind of Klingon is afraid of a weapon?

Klingon - One that doesn't have any courage!

Pakled - You look for things to help you fight?

Vulcan - Perhaps you should accompany us to the capital city. We are going to visit the Q who lives there. He may be able to grant us our requests. I'm sure he could give you courage.

Tener - And then there were five...

Nelix - Yes! Come with us to the capital city!

Klingon - OK!

Pakled, Vulcan, and Klingon join hands and start skipping down the road again, with Nelix hopping after them and Tener still wondering why he bothered getting out of bed this morning.

Scene 10 - Chester is in his lair overseeing the construction of a large catapult.

Chester - I'm so diabolically brilliant I frighten myself most of the time.

Henchman #2 - The catapult is ready, my lord.

Chester - Excellent. Aim it at our guests.

Henchman #3 - Catapult is aimed, my lord.

Chester - Fire!

The string is cut and the catapult fires a large rock out over the top of the lair and way over to where Tener, Nelix, and their gang of annoying misfits are still moving toward the capital city.

Tener - Hey, do you guys hear something?

They look up as the large rock falls toward them.

Nelix - Incoming!

They all dodge as the rock crashes down and puts a crater in the road.

Pakled - My road!

Tener - _YOU_ built this?!!?

Nelix - More rocks!

They start running as fast as they can go along the road as boulder after boulder comes crashing down toward them. Finally, they enter a forest and the rocks stop. Camera goes to Chester's lair.

(OK so I'm not entirely sure this was in the movie, but I didn't exactly watch it that far!)

Chester - Damn it I told you to get more rocks!

Henchman #2 - Sorry, sire.

BZZZT! Chester vapourizes Henchman #2.

Chester - I love being evil...

Scene 11 - Some corridor on the Celestial. Bios, Senseless, and Garell are walking along it for no apparent reason (maybe they want exercise, who knows).

Senseless - Well I tried to speak with Admiral Spot but she wasn't available. That's sort of a mixed blessing I guess.

Bios - I don't get it. No wormholes, no subspace fissures, it's almost like they just disappeared into subspace without a trace.

Garell - On the bright side, full warp capabilities are now restored. We're as good as new, if you consider this ship when it was new a good thing.

Senseless - Better than the last one.

Garell - You're welcome.

Senseless - I still don't forgive you for the Halfass and that time travel incident.

Garell - _Shut up commander! _Admiral Spot thinks a warp eddy destabilized the core and that's exactly what she needs to think.

Bios - OF COURSE!

Garell and Senseless cringe and lean away from her.

Garell - Not so loud, Lieutenant!

Bios - A warp eddy! They could have been tossed into high warp and thrown across the sector!

Senseless - Would they have survived? Without a deflector field?

Garell - If the ion storm charged their hull enough, maybe.

Bios - We should start checking every habitable world within a few dozen lightyears.

Senseless - Do it.

They suddenly realize they've walked into the messhall.

Senseless - Is it my imagination or does every corridor on this ship, regardless of what deck its on, end up at the messhall?

Scene 12 - Bridge. Senseless, and Bios walk on.

Righteous - The Prophets sent me another vision. It involved pink trees and polar bears from Andor.

Genocide - A.k.a., he fell asleep again.

Senseless - Mr. Center, what's the nearest habitable planet?

Center - Munchkinia Prime, just under ten lightyears from here.

Senseless - Lay in a course, warp 7.

Baque - What a dumb name for a planet...

Camera watches as the Celestial turns slightly and jumps to warp. Camera goes back to the bridge.

NoName #3 - NoName #3 to Lieutenant-Commander Genocide.

Genocide - What do you want?

NoName #3 - Could you please come down to the starboard aft torpedo tube? The targeting array is acting up.

Genocide - Get Lieutenant-Commander Garell to fix it.

NoName #3 - She told me to ask you.

Genocide (rolls his eyes) - Fine, I'll be there in a minute.

Genocide gets into the turbolift.

Genocide - Deck 13, section 12.

The turbolift starts to move and elevator music starts to play. Suddenly, that Section 31 guy from several previous episodes materializes in a Federation transporter beam.

Agent - Long time no see.

Genocide - Not long enough. Leave me alone.

Agent - Don't think so. After our failure to decrypt Chester's plans, and the near fall of the Alpha Quadrant, we're stepping up our operations. You're being drafted again.

Genocide - Damn it I want nothing to do with you people. All that "in the dark" stuff is so annoying.

Agent - I want that cat vapourized. I don't want a single DNA fragment of him to survive this time. He's as big a threat to the Federation as the Romulans, Cardassians, Dominion or even the Borg.

Genocide - He's just an annoying recurring bad guy. He's harmless when you think about it...wait, the Dominion? What do you know?

Agent - That's highly classified. You're better off not knowing. However, if you agree to reinstate your membership, we'll fill you in.

Genocide thinks it over.

Genocide - Nope. Don't care. Bye!

The turbolift stops and the doors open. Genocide walks away. He turns a few corners and enters a room labelled "Starboard Aft Torpedo Control Room" and walks up to NoName #3.

Genocide - Well?

NoName #3 - Oh...sorry sir, I fixed it myself while you were on your way. I guess it wasn't as much of a problem as I thought.

Genocide looks annoyed, then takes his phaser and kills NoName #3.

Genocide - Not in the mood...

Scene 13 - On the dumb planet, Tener is nearly to the point of wanting to kill himself. They've finally reached the capital city, which is, of course, overly ornate and really contrived.

Tener - Who puts this much effort into building a city? Seriously! The walls are probably a good metre thick made of pure gold pressed latinum or something similar. What is to latinum as pyrite is to gold? Anyone? No? Drat...

Nelix - Do you ever stop complaining about things, Lieutenant?

Tener - No sir, I don't.

Vulcan - The logical thing to do would be to enter.

Klingon - What if they have weapons?

Pakled - I like biscuits.

Nelix - So do I, Pakled, so do I. Let's go.

They push open the big doors and walk into a large building. Inside, at the far end of the hallway, is yet another door.

Nelix - Oh I can see where this is doing...I've seen enough of your away mission reports to know that we're going to get absolutely nowhere fast.

Suddenly, Chester and several of his more competent minions materialize between the group and the far door.

Chester - So, we meet again.

Nelix - Stop getting in our way!

Chester - There's still a position for you available. If you want to join me again–

Tener - HAH! I KNEW IT! YOU WERE WORKING FOR THE ORION SYNDICATE!

Nelix - Shut up Lieutenant, if Fleet Admiral Spot, the Commander, Starfleet, finds out, I'll be hanging by the scruff of my neck till pigs evolve wings.

Tener - Oh this is rich! Woo hoo! Blackmail!

Nelix - Blackmail? You wanna play that game? Well, I happen to know a few things about your ship that you would rather not be made public. Care to make a trade?

Tener - Damn it!

Chester - Enough! Minions, attack!

Vulcan assumes a typical martial arts stance, Klingon simply runs back and hides in a corner, and Pakled runs in circles screaming in rage and waving his arms. The minions stop for a second and shake their heads then continue. Nelix runs past them and attacks Chester.

Tener - Cat fight!

Everyone stops what they're doing and watches the two cats beat the crap out of each other.

Tener - I'm sure this is illegal on most planets.

Hissing, meowing, scratching, biting and general disarray fill the room as the two felines tear the fur off of each other.

Scene 14 - Bridge of the Celestial.

Center - Sir, we've reached the planet.

Righteous - All stop. Found our people yet, Ms. Bios?

Bios - No sir, we just got here. I'll let you know in a few minutes.

Senseless - Genocide, any ships in orbit we should be keeping an eye on and/or communicating with?

Genocide - Not that I can detect, but I'm picking up an anti-matter reactor somewhere on the eastern continent...shit it's massive!

Garell - (whistles) Whatever it is it could probably power a Galaxy class starship with energy to spare.

Senseless - Take us to yellow alert. We have no idea what to expect.

Genocide - Oh yes we do. We've not been kicked between the nacelles for weeks. We're in for it. I can feel it.

Baque - You have such a low opinion of your own defensive capabilities.

Genocide - What? Hey, shut up!

Bios - Woah...I'm detecting two human biosigns on the planet...and they're pretty spread out.

Center - There's a small tritanium signature near one of them, and several different biosigns near the other.

Righteous - That tells me nothing.

Bios - That tritanium signature matches the hull of a Federation escape pod. I'm having trouble getting a clear reading on the other biosign.

Senseless - Beam the human nearest the pod to the bridge.

Bzzzzzt! Overly Attractive Female materializes on the bridge.

Overly Attractive Female - Thank you! You have rescued me! My name is–

Bzzzzzt! Overly Attractive Female is beamed away.

Bios - Sorry sir, I guess the other one must be Lieutenant Tener.

Center - There's a massive energy field surrounding the area he's in. I can't beam him out.

Bios - I've identified the other biosigns. One is Vulcan, another Klingon, another Pakled, several are inconsequential, and two are feline.

Righteous - Two? Is that why Admiral Spot wouldn't return my calls?

Baque - Oh I think there's a better reason than that...

Senseless - Admiral Spot was in a meeting with the President when I called her. One of those cats must be Admiral Nelix, but the other...

Garell - Frankly could be anyone, Commander.

Genocide - Knowing our luck?

Senseless - Battlestations!

Scene 15 - The cat fight has come to a pathetic close as both cats are now sleeping. Tener, Klingon, Pakled, and Vulcan are struggling with the various minions of Chester's army.

Tener - Admiral!

Clang! Slash! Punch! Kick! Captain Kirk fighting moves!

Tener - ADMIRAL!

Nelix - Huh! What?!

Tener - A little help!

Nelix - Oh sorry, let's get through this door.

With Chester still asleep, and the minions beaten back, the five beings burst through the door and close it behind them. They turn around and see one of those three headed glowy serpent ball things that Q once appeared as on the Enterprise-D.

Aldebaran Serpent - WHO GOES THERE!?!

Nelix - We seek things!

Pakled - I want a brain!

Vulcan - I require a heart!

Klingon - I demand courage!

Tener - WAIT A MINUTE!

Everyone looks at him.

Tener - THIS IS THE WIZARD OF OZ! GOD... DAMN IT!

Nelix jumps up and smacks him on the back of the head about as hard as a cat can.

Nelix - You idiot! You're supposed to wish us home!

Tener - YOU KNEW ALL ALONG, DIDN'T YOU!

Nelix - DUH!!

Aldebaran Serpent - NO! THE THINGS YOU WANT YOU CAN NOT HAVE! THAT IS BECAUSE I–

The building shakes and the serpent flickers, obviously a hologram.

Nelix - What the...

Aldebaran Serpent - I AM NOT IN A GIVING MOOD, I–

Nelix trots over to a door labelled "Employees only" and opens it, revealing one of the natives speaking into a microphone.

Native - Oh dear...

Nelix - If you can't get us home, then who can?

Native - Oh...I'm afraid that's impossible.

Tener - Aren't you going to tell me to tap my heels together three times and say "There's no place like home"? Because in my case I can think of a lot of places I'd rather be.

Native - Oh, sorry, I'm afraid it's impossible to leave this planet due to a localized energy dampening field.

Everyone just stares at him.

PLUNK! Everyone turns around to find that Nelix has fainted and fallen on his side.

Tener - Oh for the love of.

He picks up a glass of cold water, which was just sitting next to the native guy, and throws it at Admiral Nelix's face. He wakes up without so much as a hiss.

Nelix - I...followed the story...to the letter...I...hummed Broadway showtunes and SKIPPED! All for NOTHING!

Chester - Not quite nothing.

Everyone turns around and sees him standing in the doorway, several henchmen standing around him.

Chester - Thanks to your disappearance, your precious fleet has come to me, saving me a lot of trouble. The Celestial is in orbit and the USS Citadel is on it's way. Time to show off my new toy. Oh, do stay here, will you? But, if you want a first row seat to the destruction of everything you hold dear–

Nelix (under breath) - The Ninth Fleet? Boy do you have a lot to learn about me...

Chester - ...Then you can feel free to beam up to the Celestial.

Tener - Can do.

Chester - Lord Chester to OSS Hairball, beam us up.

Chester and his friends disappear in a Romulan transporter beam.

Tener - Right...Tener to Celestial.

Center - Celestial here. Are you alright, sir?

Tener - I'm fine–

Center - I meant Admiral Nelix, but it's good to know you're alright too sir.

Nelix - Beam us up lieutenant.

Center - I'm an ensign, sir.

Nelix - Really? I thought ops officers on ships that size were supposed to be lieutenants and above?

Center - ...Energizing...

Scene 16 - Bridge. It's getting blown to pieces.

Senseless - WHERE THE HELL DID THAT SHIP COME FROM!?!

Garell - Remember that antimatter reactor we detected? Turns out it was a ship.

The viewscreen shows a heavily modified Sovereign class starship attacking the Celestial, blowing chunks off the hull with every hit.

Genocide - Shields are still at 0! We have to get out of here!

Garell - We're running out of time!

Senseless - The warp core is about to go offline?

Garell - No, we're running out of pages.

Admiral Nelix and Lieutenant Tener and Doctor Puker and Ensign Blavik enter the bridge.

Puker - Well, all's well that ends well. We've rescued our fleet commander, got back our security chief, and got to see how much the author doesn't know about the Wizard of Oz.

He says as a beam falls from the ceiling and kills some no-names in the back.

Righteous - Enough! I'm bored! Mr. Genocide, target their warp nacelles and hit them with everything we've got. Then get us out of here, flyboy.

Genocide, Baque - Aye sir.

Camera watches as the Celestial phasers and torpedoes the OSS Hairball's port warp nacelle, blowing it open and sending plasma streaming into space. The Celestial then turns and jumps to warp, leaving more than a few hull fragments and paint chips behind. Camera goes to the bridge, where Blavik is tending to Admiral Nelix's scratch and bite marks.

Nelix - This episode sucked.

Righteous - I don't know I think it went quite well.

Baque - We'll reach the Citadel in an hour.

Tener - Someone please tell me I'm dreaming all this and any second I'm going to wake up in sickbay! I just want this day to END!

Center - Uh, sir?

SMACK! A piece of debris falls from the ceiling and hits Tener square in the head, knocking him out. The scene fades to black.

Scene 17 - Tener wakes up in sickbay. Ensign Blavik is using some weird medical device on his head and Doctor Puker is reading from a PADD.

Puker - You alright?

Tener - What happened?

Puker - We found your escape pod drifting in the middle of space. You were unconscious. Banged your head apparently.

Tener - Oh I was having the strangest dream. And Doctor, you were there–

Points to Blavik.

Tener - And you were there–

Points to Admiral Nelix who's standing on another bio-bed with a no-name using a furral regenerator (it's like a dermal regenerator, but for fur) on him.

Tener - And you were there...But I'm glad it was just a dream.

Nelix - Sounds like you had quite an adventure but it's probably nothing to worry about–

He tries to suppress it but starts smiling, which prompts Doctor Puker to start smiling and in a moment both are laughing their asses off on the floor.

Nelix - AH HA HA HA Sorry Lieutenant we couldn't help but screw with your head. No, it all happened.

Tener - GOD DAMN IT!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	15. Celestial 35

Star Trek: Celestial #35 - Improper Tense

By Swordtail

Started June 9, 2007

Finished June 16, 2007

The makers of this episode in every possible way endorse, condone, and encourage the online distribution of copyrighted music. Screw the music industry. The greedy fuckers make millions of dollars every day from concerts, merchandise, and radio stations. Whatever happened to bands who played music because they liked playing music?

(You can try to sue me, but I have no money so HAHA!)

Scene 1 - Camera pans around an unfamiliar part of space. It pans by a weird looking ship, which looks quite similar to the Monarch Class (Enterprise-J), but with a two pronged hull similar to the Celestial. In other words it's a really flat Opaka Class...if that's possible. It appears to have been in many battles recently, with massive hull damage and only a few windows are lit. The ship's captain can be heard making a log entry.

Captain - Colonel's log, stardate 549950.7. That's the year 2496 for those of you that are keeping track. The FSS Celestial is en route to investigate the anomaly that has appeared in sector 43. I didn't think it was a good idea to send only one ship but Federate Command, in their infinite wisdom, ordered only us to check it out. They think that if the Confederation hears of an entire fleet converging on a single location, they'll send an entire assault force there to seize it.

Camera goes inside the ship to it's bridge. The captain, a Bajoran, walks on and goes over to his Cardassian first officer. He glances at several other bridge officers and nods to each of them. The uniforms are similar to Starfleet uniforms but mostly black with only a few strips of colour indicating what department they're in.

Cardassian - Ah, Colonel Alman, you're up.

Colonel Alman - How much longer till we get there, Major Basat?

Basat - A few minutes. NoName #1 at ops, any sign of Confederation ships in the area?

NoName #1 (a Bolian) - No, sir. Nothing on long range sensors.

Camera watches the ship approach a vortex in the middle of space. Oddly, it looks awfully familiar to the one encountered by the USS Halfass over a hundred years before. Camera zooms over the front of the ship, where the lettering and numbering is written in Bajoran so no one can figure out what exactly it says. Camera goes into the bridge.

NoName #2 (A Vulcan at the science station) - Colonel, something's happening in the vortex. Verteron emissions are off the scale, sir.

NoName #1 - Uh...and we have another problem...five Confederation ships on an intercept course.

Alman - Prophets damn it...

Opening credits...woot. No seriously, that rant about copyrighted music was just a joke, don't sue me.

Scene 2 - The words "present day...aka 2382" flash across the screen as the Opaka class USS Celestial flies by at impulse speed.

Righteous - Captain's log, stardate 436106.8. We're flying around looking for adventure because we're bored and Admiral Spot STILL won't return my calls. Apparently she's been meeting with the President and congress for the past four days straight. You'd almost think something important was going on.

Camera goes to the captain's ready room, where Righteous is spinning in his chair really fast.

Righteous - WOOOOOOO!!!

Fwoosh! He flies out of the chair and crashes into the couch. The door chimes.

Righteous - Enter!

Senseless walks in.

Senseless - Since when do you use this office?

Righteous - It says on the door it's the "Captain's Ready Room" so I figured I'd come here to get ready for the day...not sure what I have to do though.

Senseless - Lieutenant Bios says she's found a weird verteron signature in this area of space. We're trying to localize it now.

Righteous - Sounds fun. Let's go, Commander!

He gets off the couch and starts to walk to the door, following Senseless out onto the bridge. Halfway there, he suddenly grimaces in pain and grabs his head.

Righteous - Ow, that hurts!

Senseless turns around.

Senseless - You alright, sir?

Righteous - Yeah I think so, I must have eaten something that didn't agree with me.

He continues walking toward the door but suddenly doubles over in pain and falls to the floor.

Senseless - Senseless to Sickbay, medical emergency in the Ready Room!

Puker - On my way.

Senseless checks the Captain's pulse as the other bridge officers crowd around the door.

Genocide - Normally I'd be happy about this but it probably means we're all about to get our butts kicked.

Then, out of nowhere, the ship lurches violently to port and everyone is thrown across the room.

Senseless - REPORT!

Baque - I DON'T KNOW! We're being pulled into some kind of energy vortex.

Bios - Um...I think we found our verteron source...

Everyone looks at the viewscreen and sees a vortex very similar to the one encountered last scene out in space, getting closer by the second.

Baque - Trying to break us free.

Bios - Verteron emissions are off the scale!

Senseless - Hail Starfleet! Send out a distress call! Something! I don't wanna have to deal with alternate timelines again!

Center - Message sent, sir!

Righteous - Owwwwwwww...

Puker and Blavik run onto the bridge. They go over to check on Righteous.

Puker - There's nothing wrong with him that I can detect.

Baque - We're entering the vortex!

Bios - Chroniton particles! It's definitely temporal anomaly!

Senseless - Oh that's just great...

FLASH! The ship is sucked into the vortex and reappears on the other side, right in front of the Monarch Class rip-off future Celestial. Camera goes to said ship's bridge.

NoName #1 - SIR!

NoName #3 (an Andorian at helm) - Taking evasive action!

Camera watches as the future-Celestial is grazed by the present Celestial. Both ships bounce off each other and fly off in random directions, spinning wildly. Camera goes to the present-Celestial's bridge.

Senseless - What was that!?!

Baque - We hit something. Trying to triangulate our position.

Genocide - There's another ship out there.

Center - The stars are in the wrong place...

Bios - (sigh) When are we?

Center - ...sometime in 2496.

Righteous - Does anyone care that I'm feeling better now?

Center - Yes sir.

Baque - No sir.

Righteous - Well then...

Genocide - Sensors are coming back online. There's a ship just off our port bow and five more approaching at...very, very high warp. They'll be here in one minute.

Center - The nearest ship is hailing us.

Senseless - Onscreen.

Colonel Alman appears onscreen.

Alman - I am Colonel Alman Jekar of the Federate starship Celestial. Identify yourselves and your affiliation!

Everyone on the bridge raises an eyebrow.

Righteous - Uh...I'm Captain Righteous Lee of the Federation starship Celestial...

Colonel Alman looks to his Cardassian first officer then back at Righteous.

Alman - Celestial?

Senseless - Yes...we're from the year 2382. Are you responsible for us being here?

Basat - No, we were just as perplexed as you are.

Righteous - Mr. Alman, why is there a Cardassian on your ship?

Bios - Commander?

Senseless walks over to her.

Bios (whispering) - I'm not detecting a single human lifesign on that ship. Dozens of other Federation species but no humans.

Senseless - Perhaps we should meet face to face.

Alman - I'm afraid there's no time for that.

Genocide - Those five ships are dropping out of...warp...

Senseless - Onscreen. Stand by, Celestial.

Four Defiant and one Prometheus class starships appear on the screen, assuming an attack formation.

Genocide - They're opening fire!

BOOM! Ship lurches violently, stuff explodes.

Genocide - Shields are at 50! Those aren't normal phasers they're using!

Bios - We're over a hundred years in the future, I doubt we'd last ten seconds in a fight with those ships.

Center - The FSS Celestial is hailing again.

Colonel Alman appears on screen, his bridge shaking around him.

Alman - We have to get out of here! What's your top speed?

Senseless - Warp 9.936.

Alman - That's about warp 12 on our scale. That's nowhere near the top speed of those ships. We'll have to tow you. Standby.

The screen goes back to showing the stars flying by in various directions as Baque tries to stay out of harms way. Then, the ship jolts to a halt and starts moving.

Genocide - They have us in a tractor beam. Should I try to break free?

Senseless - Let's give them the benefit of the doubt seeing as they haven't yet blown a hole in us.

Camera goes into space and watches the larger future-Celestial, towing the other one, jump into very high warp.

Scene 3 - Briefing room. Lieutenant-Commander Garell finishes installing a replicator and turns it on.

Garell - Coffee, really strong.

Zzzzzt! She takes the coffee and goes over and sits down at her place at the briefing room table. Everyone else, including Colonel Alman and Major Basat are present.

Righteous - You done?

Garell - Yes. Proceed.

Senseless - So...I'll assume you know our logs, care to fill us in?

Alman - Certainly.

He and Basat get up and go over to the monitor. It activates showing a schematic of the timeline.

Alman - Everything was as you know it right up until your ship disappeared on stardate 436106.8.

Lieutenant Baque - I see you still use that weird stardate system that actually makes a little sense.

Alman - We do. After you disappeared, Starfleet Command quickly gave up the search.

Ensign Blavik - Highly illogical.

Doctor Puker - Highly unsurprising.

Alman - All they had was your distress call saying you'd encountered a temporal anomaly...again. They assumed you had been pulled into the past or the future and just left a communications buoy in place in case you reappeared.

Puker - Oh...well that's not so bad then.

Basat - Everything was going alright until a few months after you vanished. Something happened that no one is really sure of. Long story short, without any explanation, the Celestial Temple simply sealed itself.

Bios - You mean the wormhole? Looked fine the last time we were in there.

Basat - I said no one was sure why. Oh, I almost forgot. Most of the Federation fleet was in the Gamma Quadrant fighting the Dominion at the time, trying to drive them back into their own space and leave the wormhole clear so exploration could resume. Thus, when the wormhole sealed itself, almost 80 of Starfleet was cut off from the rest of the Federation.

Genocide - The Dominion attacked again...really...

Alman - After that, the Federation started to fall apart. So few ships were left that the council couldn't decide which planets were important enough to be protected. To top it all off, the Breen attacked again. The Federation Council, in it's infinite wisdom, pulled every starship back to protect the Sol system. Half the Federation worlds broke away that very day, and the rest followed suit within the next few weeks. Without Starfleet to protect them, most decided to form their own little cliques with their neighbours.

Basat - Earth, on it's own and vastly screwed, would have surrendered if not for the Romulans and the Klingons. After the Breen were wiped out, Earth decided to–

Tener - Woah, woah, woah, the Breen were wiped out?

Alman - Earth, Quo'nos, and Romulas decided they posed too much of a threat.

Basat - Earth and the Klingons and Romulans formed an alliance which called themselves the Confederation. They also weren't too happy about the fact that the Federation had abandoned them.

Alman - They started turning a blind eye to hit and run attacks their own people were preforming on trading routes within the break-away planets. Eventually they started annexing entire worlds, citing them as "threats to Confederation security."

No one notices but Genocide looks shocked at that last sentence.

Senseless - This still doesn't explain where you came from.

Basat - In response to the attacks, the other worlds joined together to form the Federate Alliance, loosely based on the original United Federation of Planets. They managed to sway the Cardassian Union and the Tholion Assembly to join.

Righteous - What! Bajor would NEVER join hands with Cardassia!

Basat and Alman shake hands to prove him wrong.

Righteous - Prophets damn it!

Senseless - So, you're telling us that Earth is now the bad guys? That doesn't sound like the Earth we left. Everyone there was lazy, unmotivated, and really couldn't care less about stuff.

Basat - We think that Section 31 launched a coup and took over the council, at least in the background.

Genocide - That's impossible!

Alman - Is it?

Genocide - Well...I don't know anymore.

Center - How do you know our disappearance made all the difference?

Alman - Well...we don't...but everything was sort of going OK until you left. Then it went down the proverbial crapper.

Center - Well we have to get back to 2382 and warn everyone!

Basat - That...could be a problem.

Senseless puts his head in his hands.

Senseless - There's _always_ a problem...

Basat - We're travelling at what we call warp factor 14. That's about three times your top speed. Also, over a dozen Confederation ships have arrived at the site of the temporal anomaly. Even if you wanted to go back, Federate Command can't afford to lose another ship and it would take you weeks to get there at warp 7.

Baque - Ah man, our speed limits have never stopped us from getting around quickly before...

Alman - Nor did it for people in Pirates of the Carribbean 3...

Tener - That was a good movie.

Senseless - Get back on track, people. I think the obvious choice is to preform a time warp manoeuver and get back to our proper point in time.

Bios - Ooh...

Senseless - (groan) Now what!?

Bios - I already thought about that, sir. At the inertial speeds we'd need to obtain, the ship would rip itself apart. We're a little bigger than a Sabre class ship, remember.

Righteous - Is that a bad thing?

Bios - Very, sir. We can't use the time warp manoeuver.

Righteous - So we'll just go back and fly through the triple apricot.

Baque - Oh here we go again...weren't you paying attention!?!

Alman - Well we'll pull you to our nearest space station and get you repaired. We'll even install some advanced technology, including weapons–

Genocide (throwing his arms in the air) - WOO HOO!

Alman - And engines.

Garell - Great, more that will break down.

Basat - We should tell you that you'll probably get a lot of attention there. The NCC-80164 is somewhat of an icon to us. You represented a force that had the best interests of the Federation, not just Earth, in mind.

Righteous - Never thought I'd see the day a Cardassian was sucking up to me.

Scene 4 - Camera zooms in on Earth, goes down into San Francisco, and into the Federation Council Chamber, after narrowly dodging a few hovercars and rabid birds. It flies along the main hallway and then cuts toward a door which says "Chief of Defence Staff." The camera breaks open the door and flies inside. Sitting on a ornate wooden desk is Fleet Admiral Spot, filling out paper work. The camera jiggles a little then looks down past the cameraman's feet, watching Admiral Nelix trot past and hop up on the desk to meet with Spot.

Nelix - Getting settled in, ma'am?

Spot - Go away, Admiral, I'm busy. Who knew this would be so much work?

Nelix - The Celestial has encountered another temporal anomaly. This time they sent out a distress signal.

Spot's face goes blank.

Spot - It just doesn't end, does it? I get promoted to Chief of Starfleet Operations or Commander in Chief of Starfleet or whatever it's called today and I _still_ have to deal with Righteous!

Nelix - Needless to say they went through it.

Spot - Of course, of course...well, send a ship to investigate it. Hey, why did you come to me in the first place? There's a half a dozen other admirals who should have taken care of it by now. What gives?

Nelix - Besides the fact that they're all no-names and are incompetent?

Spot - Yeah.

Nelix - It's the same temporal anomaly that they encountered last time.

Spot - Impossible, I saw that one get destroyed. Something to do with targs.

Nelix - Well it's back. Verteron flux matches the last one exactly.

Spot - Do you think it poses any danger to the Federation?

Nelix - No, but I'll bet a million bars of gold pressed latinum that the Celestial poses a danger. For all we know they've already changed the timeline.

Spot - Well, nothing we can really do about it. Send the Saratoga to drop a communications buoy near the anomaly and we'll just have to wait for them.

Scene 5 - In the Celestial's messhall (the present-ship, not the future one. Not enough money to make more sets) Lieutenant Baque is reading some PADD's and eating some pumpkin pie. Lieutenant-Commander Garell comes in and plops herself down across from him, looking worn out.

Garell - I have spent the last four hours trying to make sense of this advanced warp engine technology. Our counterpart, the Celestial-B, brought over one of their power converters which _should_ boost our top speed to about warp 9.9995, or warp 15 by their standards.

Baque - Sounds fun. What's the problem?

Garell - It doesn't work. No change in our power flow.

Baque - Bummer.

Garell - I give up. We're not getting any advanced technology this time by the looks of it.

Baque - Genocide won't be happy. He was looking forward to some of those weapons.

Bios walks in and sits down.

Bios - This sucks. I've spent the last six hours trying to figure out a way back without using that damn temporal anomaly and IT'S NOT WORKING!

Garell - Join the club.

Bios - I don't understand how the Constitution class Enterprise could have done it without flying itself apart.

The room shakes slightly and a Confederation starship flies by the window, firing phasers wildly. The red alert klaxons go off.

NoName #4 - All senior staff report to the bridge.

Baque - Grr. Here we go again...

Scene 6 - Camera watches as a large Confederation starship, which closely resembles a Prometheus class ship, splits into 3 and attacks the Celestial-B, putting a few more holes in it. Just goes to show that every ship of that name is destined to get the crap kicked out of it on a regular basis. Camera goes to the Celestial's bridge.

Righteous - Prophets help us!

Senseless - Divert all power to the shields, prepare to return fire!

Genocide - So far they're leaving us alone. Should we give the other Celestial a hand?

Baque - Our counterpart has locked on a tractor beam and is preparing to go to warp.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Center - The Confederation ship has destroyed the Celestial-B's tractor emitter.

Senseless - Then what was that jolt we felt?

Center - ...Plot device.

Jolt...again.

Senseless - Now what!?

Center - The Confederation ship has locked a tractor beam on us. They're turning us away from the other Celestial.

Senseless - Lock weapons on their tractor emitter. Fire!

Genocide - Firing...no effect. It looks like they have independent shielding around their tractor emitter.

Bios - Why didn't our Starfleet ever think of that?

Baque - Our besieged friends have jumped into warp.

Righteous - Eager to leave, aren't they?

Center - We're receiving a transmission.

Some Romulan appears on the screen.

Romulan - Please do not resist. You will not be harmed in any way.

Righteous - Release us! I hate tractor beams! What is the meaning of this!?!

Romulan - Everything the Federate Alliance has told you is a lie.

Senseless - Oh for crying out loud...

Scene 7 - Celestial's briefing room...again. All senior staff and the Romulan captain are present.

Puker - All this running around is wearing me out. Can someone please set up a schedule for events?

Righteous - Mr. Romulan, please begin.

Romulan - My name is Captain Talor of the Confederation starship USS Litterbox.

Tener looks like he's gaging. Everyone else just rolls their eyes.

Talor - You've been told that Earth betrayed the rest of the Federation. That is a lie. The Breen wanted to destroy Earth, and would have annihilated anything that got in their way. Instead of standing with us, the rest of the Federation threw us out and left us fend for ourselves. They were snatched up by the Cardassians and the Tholions and formed the Federate Alliance to protect themselves from the Breen and the Dominion in case the wormhole ever reopened.

Righteous - I knew it! The Cardassians can't be trusted!

Talor - The Klingons beat the Breen back to their homeworld and have managed to contain them ever since, preventing them from building any more ships. The alliance the Romulans and Klingons forged with us to fight the Breen and the Dominion led to the Confederation. Then, for no apparent reason, the Federate Alliance declared war on us.

Senseless - OK well we really don't care, we're just trying to get back to our time.

Talor - We intend to help. We believe that if the Celestial had not disappeared a century ago, the Breen wouldn't have attacked and the Federation wouldn't have broken apart.

Baque - I think you're overestimating our importance just a little...

Talor - We'll install a cloaking device onboard and take you back to the temporal anomaly.

Righteous - You better make sure it's still there. It is temporal after all.

Captain Talor just looks at him, blinking. Genocide gets up and whispers into his ear.

Genocide (whispering) - That's idiot talk for "make it so."

Scene 8 - Messhall. Baque sits down, licks his lips, and dives back into that same piece of pie he had been eating earlier. Garell comes in and plops down in the other chair again. Out the window the USS Litterbox, probably with a dumb letter attached to it's registry number, is towing the Celestial at very high warp. Several other ships can also be seen holding formation nearby.

Garell - Why does nothing work today? Stupid cloaking device won't interface with our deflector field properly. I can cloak all of Main Engineering but nothing else.

Baque - Mmmgh mmff mmmeee mmoof.

Garell - What?

Baque swallows.

Baque - Sorry. I said I couldn't care less. I was eating pie in case you hadn't noticed.

Garell is about so say something when the red alert klaxons go off...again.

NoName #4 - All senior staff report to the bridge...again.

Baque, still not finished his pie, curses and gets up and leaves the room with Garell and everyone else. As they enter the bridge, Baque grabs a phaser from a nearby console and points it at NoName #4.

Baque - Stop interrupting my snack!

Pzzzzt! The no-name red-shirt is vapourized.

Garell - Aren't those supposed to be set on stun?

Baque - It was...

All the other officers run onto the bridge from various doors.

Puker - What is the meaning of this! Why was I called up here! Is there a medical emergency? Because if not, why call _all_ senior staff to the bridge!?! For crying out loud.

Blavik - Exercise is good for you, sir.

Puker - Christ you sound like a fricking doctor.

Blavik just shakes her head as the two go to stand behind the command chairs where they usually wile away their bridge time.

Righteous - Prophets damn it what now?!

Senseless - Ensign?

Center - Long range sensors have picked up a Federate Alliance fleet guarding the temporal anomaly. Several more Confederation ships are moving in from another direction.

Righteous - Why is everyone so hyped about the timely archipelago?

Bios - Probably because whoever sends us back will get on our good books and we might change history in their favour.

Center - I'm picking up a transmission between the Celestial-B and the Litterbox-A.

Righteous - Hey, what happened to the Celestial-A?

Puker - Wasn't that an Ares class ship with lots of weapons?

Genocide - That was all a big holodeck simulation.

Puker - Or was it?

Genocide - Whatever...raising shields just to be on the safe side.

Righteous - Is there anyway we can get to the two-timing arch-angel?

Baque - Not without ramming someone Captain...is it my imagination or are your word slip-ups getting worse each time?

Righteous - You mean every time I say twenty apes?

Senseless - Put that transmission onscreen, ensign.

Captain Talor and Colonel Alman appear on their own sides of the screen, bickering at each other.

Alman - --have no right to seize that ship! Hand it over or we'll destroy you!

Talor - Our ships out gun yours!

Alman - Our ships out number yours!

Senseless - That's it. Lieutenant Bios, can you shove us into this?

Bios - Yep...you're on.

Senseless - BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!

Alman - Whatever he told you about us is a lie! We didn't declare war on them, they declared war on us!

Talor - After a series of unprovoked attacks!

Alman - They were preemptive strikes!

Talor - They were unjustified massacres of our people!

Alman - You were cloaking your ships!

Talor - We had every right to! Romulas and Earth are now allies!

Senseless - SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU! MR. GENOCIDE, FIRE AT BOTH SHIPS!

Genocide - Firing.

On the screen, both bridges shake slightly, enough to drag each commanding officer's attention away from each other and onto Commander Senseless.

Senseless - We don't care about your petty war, or your petty timeline, or the Dominion, or the Breen, or what ship got what name or who did what to whom, all we care about is going home. So, if you don't mind, we'll be heading through the temporal anomaly and you guys can fight it out amongst yourselves as you disappear from the timeline.

Alman - Ah ha! I knew it! You're trying to wipe us out! Tactical, target their flagship and open fire!

Talor - And this proves you were trying the same thing! Weapons officer, fire at will!

Boom, ships rock, sparks and stuff...For once it isn't the Celestial getting pounded on.

Talor - Celestial, go through the temporal anomaly, we'll protect you as long as we can!

Alman - No! Don't listen to them, _we'll_ protect you! Go!

Senseless is just shaking his head and Righteous is looking back and forth trying to follow the conversation.

Righteous - So...which are the good guys?

Sensleess - Neither, sir.

Alman - Bajor is on our side! The Prophets are smiling down on us! Go!

Talor - In the name of all that you hold dear as a civilization, don't listen to them! Think of Earth!

Righteous - Gah...Federation oath or common sense?

BOOM! The bridge explodes around them.

Genocide - Lieutenant Baque, please kindly move us out of the cross fire!

Baque - Oh, sorry!

Camera watches the Celestial fly away from the battle and park itself a good million clicks away.

Senseless - Let's just let them fight it out for a while.

Center - Isn't that unethical?

Senseless - Not according to the Prime Directive. Go to yellow alert and keep the shields up. I'll be in the gym.

Baque - I'll be in the messhall.

Genocide - I'll be in the holodeck.

Garell - And I'll be in various locations around the ship fixing the shit you bastards let break.

Scene 9 - A corridor on some random deck. Genocide is walking along, humming to himself. Out of nowhere, the Section 31 agent starts walking with him.

Agent - How've ya been?

Genocide jumps and reaches for his phaser.

Genocide - How did you get here!?!

Agent - Relax. I have my ways. For one, that temporal anomaly is still open. It forms a linear temporal alignment pattern with the time frame you left. In other words, if you were to cross back now, you'd arrive several hours later then when you left. And by several hours I mean the time that has passed for you since you got here.

Genocide - That still doesn't answer my question.

Agent - I transported through the anomaly using a subspace transporter.

Genocide - Aren't those really energy intensive?

Agent - There's very little we can't do.

Genocide - I'm beginning to see that. Is it true you're planning to take over the government?

Agent - We are the government.

Genocide - Right...so...what brings you to this neck of the space-time continuum?

Agent - I've reviewed all the sensor logs and log entries, so I'm up to speed. I suppose you want to know about the Dominion now?

Genocide - Could help. I thought they weren't planning on attacking us again. Weyoun told us so himself.

Agent - Our intelligence points to the threat coming from a radical sect within the Great Link itself. It seems that not all the changelings wanted to listen to Odo. Some broke away and re-formed the Dominion as we know it: Ruthless, corny, and really contrived.

Genocide - One good thing came from all this fuss. We got to see how things could go seriously wrong if we didn't exist.

Agent - Then you think your crew can intervene somehow and stop all this?

Genocide - I think you're putting a little too much faith in Captain Righteous but I'm sure the rest of us will do our best...or close enough.

Agent - In the meantime I'll start forwarding our intelligence reports to you. I trust you won't reveal them to your captain?

Genocide - Even if I did he wouldn't be able to understand him. Sometimes I get the feeling he never learned English.

Agent - Good, then I'll let the Chief of Defence Staff know to expect you shortly.

Genocide - ...Who?

Agent - Your good friend Fleet Admiral Spot went up another notch. She's now in charge of all Federation defence and exploration operations...everywhere. Not just Starfleet, but the Navel Command, the marines, the guys who run around and look important at the back of Starfleet Headquarters, etc, etc. She reports directly to the President.

Genocide - Who died to let her get to that position?

Agent - Who cares?

Genocide - Right you are.

Genocide enters the holodeck and pulls out his phaser.

Genocide - Play time.

Scene 10 - Messhall. Baque sits back at that same chair and takes another bite of the same piece of pumpkin pie, which by now is probably room temperature. Just as he swallows his first bite, the red alert klaxons go off again. Baque gets up and storms out of the room.

Baque - Mother fucking son of a bitch!

On the bridge, Righteous is intently watching the viewscreen for signs of who might win. Everyone else enters, Genocide looking like he's been in a middle of a war zone for months.

Righteous - Ah you're all here.

Puker - God damn it!

Senseless - What's going on, sir?

Righteous - I've gotten bored with our predicament. We're going home.

Baque - Finally...

Righteous - All power to the shields. Standby phasers and quantum torpedoes. Set a course for the temp...temper...temple almighty at full impulse.

Garell - And he was so close too...

Righteous - I've been practising that line for nearly an hour. Is it right?

Senseless - Close enough, Captain. Mr. Baque, engage.

Baque - Here we go.

Senseless - Open a channel to the Celestial-B and the Litterbox-A.

Center - Channel open.

Senseless - Whomever protects us the best will get in our good books.

On the viewscreen, every ship suddenly stops firing at each other and turns toward the Celestial.

Tener - Uh...that doesn't look good.

Colonel Alman and Captain Talor appear on the screen on their respective halves.

Talor - We've decided that the only way to prevent you from altering the timeline in favour of the Federate Alliance is to destroy you.

Alman - And we've come to the same conclusion.

Genocide - Oh perfect.

Righteous - Gentlemen, can't we talk this over?

Beep! The communication cuts and the ships open fire. The bridge explodes around everyone.

Puker - And off to sickbay we go.

Blavik - Why we weren't there in the first place is beyond me.

They leave.

Tener - Um...I'll go somewhere safe.

Garell - And I'll get to engineering and start fixing crap.

Righteous - Both of you just stay put.

Garell, Tener - Ah come on!

BOOM! Ship lurches, consoles explode, no-names die.

Baque - Twenty seconds to the anomaly.

Bios - The ships are targeting the anomaly with anti-chroniton beams! They're trying to close it!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - SHIELDS ARE DOWN! WEAPONS ARE OFFLINE!

Center - Hull breaches on decks 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8–

BOOM!

Center - Ah...1, 2, 3

BOOM!

Center - Screw it. There isn't a hull breach on decks 12, 15, and 19.

BOOM!

Center - God damn it!

Garell - Warp core is offline!

Baque - I'm losing power! We're slowing down!

Garell - I'm diverting life support to the engines, try it now!

Baque - Hang on!

FLASH! Camera watches as the Celestial enters the anomaly, which promptly seals behind them. On the other side, the USS Saratoga is dropping a buoy. On the bridge...

Captain Farfetched (reading a console) - You jackass, you put it in the wrong place...AGAIN!

NoName #5 (helm girl) - Damn it not according to this!

Commander Shelby - It's close enough, Leon.

Farfetched - Gah you're right. Let's go.

Lieutenant Scratcher - SIR! THERE IS A CHRONITON SURGE IN THE TEMPORAL ANOMALY! IT IS BEGINNING TO COLLAPSE!

Farfetched - Oh perfect I bet we put this thing here for nothing then.

FLASH! The light from the viewscreen nearly blinds them all but when it clears they see the USS Celestial, pock-marked with holes and streaming plasma from both nacelles, barrelling toward them.

Farfetched - Oh son of a jack–

BAM! Everyone is thrown around the bridge. Camera goes to space and sees the Celestial sticking out of the Saratoga's stardrive section as the mass of metal that used to be the two ships spins through space together.

Scratcher - THEY ARE HAILING US, SIR!

Farfetched - Put those jackasses onscreen.

Beep! Righteous appears onscreen, plasma conduits and ceiling tiles and duranium beams littering the bridge behind him.

Righteous - Hi, sorry bout that!

Farfetched just closes his eyes and rubs his forehead.

Scene 11 - Astrometrics lab onboard the Celestial. A few no-names are cleaning up in the back as Bios works the controls of the flickering screen. Senseless comes on.

Senseless - Your call sounded urgent.

Bios - Well not really. I'm just really surprised, that's all. I was wondering about where this temporal anomaly came from in the first place so I compared it to the last one. The verteron flux is identical.

Senseless - You think they're related?

Bios - I think it's the same phenomenon. Why it went into the future this time is beyond me.

Senseless - Wait...we closed the last one.

Bios - I didn't say it made sense. But that's not what surprised me. I noticed something about the verteron flux patterns that looked familiar so I searched the database for anything similar.

Senseless - And?

Bios presses some buttons and the screen stops showing the anomaly and shows space, numbers near the top indicate that it's some kind of recording, and one of DS9's upper docking pylon's can be seen. A few seconds later the wormhole opens and then closes. Senseless lets his jaw drop.

Senseless - Are you saying..?

Bios - Yep. The verteron flux in this anomaly is nearly identical to the verteron flux in the Bajoran wormhole.

Senseless - Oh...my...God...Righteous won't shut up about this for the next twenty years.

Scene 12 - Messhall. Baque walks in, rubbing his hands together and licking his lips. He goes over to his table and finds a no-name wiping her mouth with a napkin.

Baque - Hey, where's my pie?

NoName #6 - Oh, sorry, was that yours?

Baque - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	16. Celestial 36

Star Trek: Celestial #36 - FUBARed

By Swordtail

Started June 16, 2007

Finished June 23, 2007

Scene 1 - Camera pans into a solar system and goes to one of the planets, a blue-green ball of land and water.

Genocide - Second Officer's log, stardate 436115.5. Captain Righteous and Commander Senseless went to Starbase 342 with the USS Saratoga to be debriefed by Starfleet Command about our trip to the future. In the meantime, Lieutenant-Commander Garell has finally convinced me that the ship needs to be repaired and the quickest way to do that is to set down on a planet to eliminate the need for bulky environmental suits.

Camera flies through the clouds and spies the USS Celestial parked in a valley, standing on it's eight landing struts. In case you're wondering, four come out of the stardrive and four are normally folded up on the underside of the command section. Yes, I know that totally blows Episode 3's credibility but oh well. Camera zooms in and sees Lieutenant Baque and Lieutenant-Commander Garell standing in the little indentation on the top of the primary hull that houses the secondary deflector. Garell is using a PADD and Baque is scanning with a tricorder.

Garell - OK that should just about do it. I'm going to test the alignment protocols.

She presses a button and...

FOOMP! The massive deflector dish moves outward about a half metre really quickly and creates an air compression that sends both officers flying backwards, nearly throwing them off of the hull.

Baque - Ow! What the hell was that?!?

Garell - Oh I didn't think about that. I guess with an atmosphere you have to be careful with it.

Baque - It moves in and out?

Garell - Yeah it's magnetically controlled. It's used to align the deflector beam emitters but I guess it also makes a good air-bazooka. Anyway, I'm done here.

She gives Baque the PADD and walks over to a hatch. Once she's out of sight, Baque grabs hold of a hand hold on the hull and presses two buttons in rapid succession, which causes the dish to quickly move in and then out. Baque stands back up and raises an eyebrow, thinks for a moment, and then lets a smile cross his face.

Camera is watching a serene forest as the credits roll. Then, out of nowhere, "Pump It" by Black Eyed Peas starts playing, really, really, REALLY loud. On that third vocal note, right as the bass takes off, all the large trees explode into splinters, and the small trees get blown nearly to the ground, and then just sort of oscillate with the music. Birds and other wildlife go flying, and not under their own power. Boulders starts falling from the mountains and even the clouds begin to dissipate. Camera pans over to see the Celestial rocking on it's landing gear, the main and secondary deflectors moving in and out rapidly, acting as giant speakers. Camera goes to watch Baque who is grinning ear to ear and standing a good kilometre away, holding the controlling PADD.

Baque - ...Brilliant...

Scene 2 - With the corridor vibrating around him, Lieutenant-Commander Genocide runs past, trying to figure out what's going on. He nearly runs into Garell.

Genocide - What's happening!? Are we under attack?!?

Garell - No...I mistakenly told Toc that the deflector dishes could be used as speakers. He's pretty much levelled the entire forest.

Genocide - Is the deflector in any danger?

Garell - Not unless he turns the volume up to maximum.

Genocide - THIS ISN'T MAXIMUM!?!

Garell - All I can say is thank the gods that Starfleet sound-proofed the ship.

Genocide - Computer, locate Lieutenant Baque.

Computer - Lieutenant Baque is not aboard the ship. He transported to a location approximately one kilometre south of this location.

Genocide - Transport me there.

Bzzzzzzt! Genocide materializes next to Baque.

Genocide - LIEUTENANT! TURN THAT OFF!!!

Baque - WHAT!?!

Genocide - TURN! THAT! OFF!!

Baque - _WHAT?!?!!_

Baque presses the "Pause" button on his modified PADD and the music stops.

Genocide - _I SAID TURN THAT OFF!_

Baque - OW! Not so loud!

Genocide - Sorry, my ears are still ringing. What the hell were you thinking!?!

Baque - I've turned the Celestial into the Federation's largest sound system!

Genocide - Do you have any idea how stupid that was!?!

Baque - You're just mad because you didn't think of it first.

Genocide - ...OK yeah it's brilliant...but still...pick a better song! And turn down the volume! You've clear cut the entire valley.

Baque presses some buttons and "Session" by Linkin Park (theme song) starts playing at a much lower volume.

Baque - So...when does the Commander get back?

Genocide - Any minute. Think he'd be mad if we kept using the ship for this?

Baque - Nah I doubt it. We get away with murder on this ship...literally.

Scene 3 - A runabout flies through space at warp speed. Camera goes into the cabin where Ensign Blavik is piloting the ship and Senseless and Righteous are sitting in other chairs.

Righteous - So the Vedek says, "I'll have a bottle of spring wine," and the Kai says "OK, but It wasn't made in spring."

Blank stares.

Righteous - Ah you guys suck.

Blavik - We're approaching the rendevous coordinates.

Senseless - Take us out of warp and bring us into the atmosphere.

Blavik - Aye sir...wait a minute...

Righteous - The ship isn't there?

Blavik - No not that...there's a variance in the warp field.

Senseless - It could be because we're so close to a gravity well.

Blavik - Dropping to impulse.

The sound of de-warping fills the cabin.

Blavik - The variance is still there, but now it's in our deflector field.

Righteous - Meh, just ignore it and it'll go away, like cancer.

Blavik - We're approaching the Celestial.

Through the window, the clouds part and the back of the ship comes into view. It's shaking slightly.

Senseless - What the hell have they done now!?!?

Faintly, some random heavy metal song can be heard.

Righteous - Ooh they made a big boom-box!

Senseless simply rubs his head.

Senseless - Every time I leave...

The runabout slowly flies into the shuttlebay and stops.

Blavik - Powering down.

Senseless - What about that variance.

Blavik - Whatever it was it's gone now.

The hatch opens and the three officers exit. Lieutenant Tener walks by and stops when he sees them.

Tener - Ah you're back.

Senseless - Why is the floor vibrating?

Tener - Lieutenant Baque got bored.

Righteous - I should promote that man. Why haven't I promoted anyone in over a year?

Blavik - I'm still an ensign, sir.

Righteous - I know that, naive vulcan underling.

Blavik - So...?

Righteous - So what?

Blavik - I've been an ensign for nearly 5 years, hold a medical degree, a science degree, and can now piolet a starship. Don't you think maybe...I don't know...promotion is in order?

Senseless - She has a point, sir.

Righteous - Well I'll look into it. And by look into it, I mean I'll completely forget about it and never speak of it again.

Tener - Yet another dream crushed by stupidity.

Blavik - Vulcans don't have hopes and dreams, sir...thankfully.

Senseless - Let's just get to the bridge.

Scene 4 - Bridge. Genocide is tapping away on his tactical console and Ensign Center is pulling wires out of the back of his station. Bios walks in.

Bios - Hey I just fixed that stuff, what are you doing!?

Center - It shorted out when I turned on my console.

Bios - Damn it I spent nearly six hours fixing it, I checked, rechecked, rah diagnostics, and even poked it with sharp pointy metal objects to see if I got electrocuted! It should work!

Center - Well it doesn't, ma'am.

Bios - Damn it!

Senseless and Righteous walk in.

Senseless - Secure all hatches and stand by engines.

Baque - We're leaving? So soon?

Righteous - Yep. Fleet Admiral Spot wants us to patrol the Bajoran sector, particularly near the Celestial Temple.

Baque - Oh perfect, so we're looking at a three day journey.

Senseless - Activate the antigravity thrusters.

Baque - Do we have to?

Senseless - Yes.

Baque - Fine...antigravity thrusters online. Altitude increasing.

Center - Retracting landing gear.

On the viewscreen, the flattened valley gets smaller and smaller until the screen is showing space.

Baque - Laying in a course for the Bajoran system.

Righteous - Warp 7. Engage.

Baque - Engaging...wait a minute...there's a variance in the–

BOOM! The ship lurches around violently and all power on the bridge goes out, leaving it in pitch black. A second later, the red alert lights come on and illuminate the wreckage on the bridge. Everyone who was thrown to the floor gets back up and goes over to their chairs.

Righteous - What in the name of the Prophets happened?

Senseless - Ensign?

Center - I don't know, my console won't work.

Bios - Mine either.

Baque - Nothing works here.

Genocide - All tactical systems aren't responding.

Senseless - Bridge to engineering.

Nothing.

Senseless - Lieutenant-Commander Garell, respond.

Center - It looks like the COMM system is offline.

Baque - No, I bet it's just playing a practical joke on us...(mutters) moron...

Senseless - Alright, Genocide, come with me. Lieutenant Baque, Lieutenant Bios, find a way to reactivate the COMM system. We'll be in Engineering.

Senseless and Genocide enter the turbolift and the door closes...no one remembers that the power is supposed to be out...but then they remember.

Senseless - Why did that door close?

Genocide - That's a good question. A better question: Why is this keypad lit?

He starts fiddling with it and pushing buttons.

Genocide - It looks like the entire turbolift system is offline except for the route between decks 1 and 2.

Senseless - Then by all means, take us to deck 2.

The turbolift barely has time to start up before it stops again. The door opens and the two officers let their jaws drop, for before them is clearly a Borg corridor. Several drones are in their alcoves.

Senseless - Well...this explains a lot. But why didn't they transmit their usual "we are the Borg" greeting before they started assimilating us?

Genocide - Uh, sir? This didn't happen in the last hour. It looks like it's been this way for months.

They walk along the corridor, and the drones seem to ignore them. As they pass a junction, they look over and see what can only be described as the inside of a Borg cube.

Senseless - My god...we're not on the Celestial anymore are we?

Genocide looks around and sees something that makes him tap the Commander on the shoulder.

Senseless - What?

He looks over and sees a Federation wall panel nearly hidden behind tubes and conduits.

Senseless - That leads to jefferies tube 2A! We're defiantly on the Celestial.

Genocide - Well it looks like it's a Borg cube now.

Senseless - This isn't right. We need to get to Engineering...or at least a data terminal.

They continue walking and round a corner. They see a sight that confuses them even more. A few metres down the new corridor there is a sudden shift in decor. Beyond the Borg technology lies standard Starfleet brightly lit hallways.

Genocide - Da hell?

They walk across the threshold. They hear something and turn around to find several drones approaching them.

Genocide - Ah oh...

They back down the corridor, but the drones disappear as soon as they cross the threshold between Borg-Celestial and normal-Celestial.

Genocide - Well...you don't see that every day.

Senseless - Let's find a tricorder.

The go to an equipment locker. Senseless opens it and takes out a tricorder. Genocide grabs a backpack, fills it with power packs, hand phasers, and photon grenades, shoulders a compression rifle, and slips a knife into his belt. Senseless just looks at him.

Genocide - What? It never hurts to be prepared.

Senseless shakes his head and they walk down the corridor, eventually arriving at a jefferies tube junction.

Senseless - Jefferies tube 2B. We need to go down 9 decks, and then down another 3.

Genocide - Climbing down 12 decks...I can't wait.

They start climbing...obviously.

Scene 5 - Lieutenant-Commander Garell is walking down a corridor, looking around at the names written on the door. She runs into Ensign Blavik.

Blavik - Commander, why aren't you in engineering?

Garell - I'd like to know the same thing. The turbolift I was in stopped on deck 12 and wouldn't go any further. I'm trying to find my way to a jefferies tube.

Blavik - Why are you reading the doors?

Garell - For as long as I've lived here, I've never seen names put on no-name crewmen's doors.

Blavik - Nor have I...perhaps they started to do it? After all, the no-names rarely inform us of their plans.

Garell - Speaking of no-names, have you seen any?

Blavik - Now that you mention it, ma'am, no, I haven't. In fact I haven't seen anyone on this deck yet.

Garell - Me neither. We'd better stick together...mainly because we need a reason for dialogue.

Blavik - Agreed.

They suddenly see a high ranking Starfleet officer walking down the corridor.

Blavik - Captain Competant!?!

Captain Competant - Ensign! What are you doing here? This deck was evacuated!

Garell - What...the..?

Scene 6 - Bridge. Bios has her head shoved into a gutted console while Center and Baque look on.

Bios - Yep, here's the problem alright.

Baque - What is?

Bios - The power generators aren't working. Theyre totally offline. It seems like every conduit leading to the bridge has been severed.

Baque - So...no fixing it?

Bios - Not from here. Let's go, we should try to get to the battlebridge.

Righteous - Can I come too?

Baque - ...Why are you asking us, you are the captain.

Righteous - And don't you ever forget it. Let's go.

He walks over and pulls open a jefferies tube and crawls in. The other three officers look at each other and then follow.

Scene 7 - On another random deck, where the lights are flickering, the wall panels have all been cracked and broken, and the carpet is covered in unknown liquids, Doctor Puker and Lieutenant Tener are walking along.

Tener - Now, I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure deck 7 wasn't like this a few hours ago.

Puker - It sure wasn't. Here, sickbay's down this corridor.

They turn the corner and see several radioactive mutant zombie no-names from a planet near Cardassia chewing on a no-name yellowshirt.

Tener - IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE–

SMACK! Puker hits him across the face.

Puker - Enough already! It was funny the first time but it got old really fast!

The zombies look up and then start moving toward the two officers.

Tener - Now would be a good time to run.

Puker - Yes it would.

They do a 180 and start running.

Puker - I (huff) thought (huff) I (huff) killed (huff) them (huff)!

Tener - Me too! Wait, up there!

They spy a break in the mess where the corridor suddenly becomes normally lit again.

Tener - There's a weapons locker there!

They cross the threshold and try to open the weapons locker as the zombies close the gap.

Tener - My access code isn't working!

Puker - Forget it then, lets just get off this deck!

They start running down the new corridor but are stopped by a forcefield.

Puker - Damn it!

They turn around in time to see the zombies reach the threshold and simply disappear.

Tener - Well...you dont see that every day.

Puker - Lets try to get back to sickbay.

They walk back into the damaged corridor and continue on their way. A second later, they hear a noise and turn around to see that the zombies have reappeared at the threshold and are now moving toward them again.

Puker - Son of a...

They run at full speed until they reach sickbay. Inside, unbeknownst to them, they cross another threshold and the door closes.

Tener - Doctor?

Puker turns to see another version of himself standing in the room looking dumbfounded.

Other Puker - Who the hell are you?

Puker - I was about to ask you the same question.

Tener - Before I forget...

He shoots the other Puker and knocks him unconscious.

Puker - What the hell was that for!?!

Tener - Just to be on the safe side. Find me a tricorder.

Tener grabs him a medical tricorder. Puker scans his counterpart.

Puker - Uh huh...

Tener - What?

Puker - That explains it. We're in another reality. Take a look at this quantum signature. That's from our friend here. Now this is ours. They're different.

Tener - So...what?

Puker - So it means we're in the wrong reality...wait a minute...where are the zombies?

He cautiously walks to the door and opens it, walks out, and starts scanning the yellow-shirt corpse that the zombies had been chewing on.

Puker - The quantum signature in this guy's RNA is different than ours, and different than the other me in there.

Tener - So...I'm still not understanding this.

Puker scans over to the door way.

Puker - The tricorder is having trouble scanning beyond the door...there's some kind of subspace threshold in place...with an oscillating quantum signature...We need to find the others.

Puker and Tener leave Sickbay and head for the nearest jefferies tube.

Scene 8 - Bridge. On one side of the room a hatch pops open and Senseless and Genocide crawl out. In from the Ready Room Tener and Puker come in with Garell and Blavik. Then, in from another hatch comes Bios, Center, Baque and Righteous, all soaking wet.

Righteous - Ah you're all here. Now, someone replicate me a towel.

Garell - All power to deck 1 is offline.

Righteous - Then we'll just have to air dry. So, SIT-REP: Battlebridge is slightly flooded. We must have crashed on a water planet.

Genocide - Not quite. Everything below this deck has been totally assimilated. We're part of a Borg cube now.

Garell - We just ran across Captain Competant, who says he's been in command of this ship for months.

Tener - Yeah...funny story.

Puker - Everything you think has happened is true. It's just not true in this universe.

Righteous - My head hurts.

Puker - The ship has been fractured into various quantum realities. Remember that episode of Voyager and the other one in TNG?

Senseless - Wait...the author is so pressed for ideas he's started combining Star Trek episodes to make whole new ones?

Swordtail - Damn it you guys, I don't pay you to question my writing style!

Center - Uh...OK so what exactly does that mean, quantum realities?

Bios - For every action, there are an infinite number of possible outcomes that can and do happen in other realities. At the most basic level, quantum fluctuations are random, but each outcome produces a quantum reality. Some are very similar to ours, and some are very different. But why has the ship been fractured into such large pieces?

Righteous - Rounding.

Senseless - What?

Righteous - You know, when the preceding decimal is below five you round down, and when it's above five you round up. Rounding.

Bios - Um...for lack of a better explanation, we'll just accept that.

Righteous - Woo hoo!

Bios - If the doctor is right, various sections of the ship will have been occupied by other quantum realities, with the thresholds acting as gateways between each. They seem to form near forcefield emitters, probably due to the large electromagnetic charge built up in them.

Senseless - So how do we fix it?

Garell - We could try to create a subspace implosion wave using the warp core.

Genocide - That doesn't sound safe.

Garell - No it doesn't.

Pause...crickets.

Senseless - Just do it.

Garell - Ensign, with me.

Center - Aye, ma'am.

Garell - Lieutenant, I could use your help too.

Bios - OK.

Garell, Bios, and Center leave the bridge through a jefferies tube.

Righteous - What should we do?

Senseless - I'm going to try to reach the astrometrics lab. Ensign, James, come with me.

Tener - You're going to run through a screwed up ship, dodging god knows what, and then go look at a screen?

Senseless - Listen, everything we've seen so far _could_ have happened in our past. Remember that Borg tactical cube? What if it had assimilated us? And what if we had crashed on a water planet and never gotten off? I can name a few instances where such a thing could have happened. As for Captain Competant, frankly it's a miracle Admiral Spot let us get the ship back even after he was killed. What if he hadn't died? We need to know more information. Now, think of the number of times we _could_ have been destroyed?

Blavik - Are you implying that sections of the ship may no longer exist?

Senseless - Remember that we're not on the same ship that encountered the Borg?

Blavik - I fail to see how that's possible.

Senseless - Which means it isn't. Starfleet must have finished constructing this ship using parts of the old one.

Tener - That explains the structural problems. Starfleet Command must have skimped out and just recycled the debris from the first ship.

Righteous - That sounds like a stupid idea! I wanna talk with Admiral Nelix! Open a channel to Starfleet Headquarters!

Baque - Have you forgotten that all power to the bridge is offline?

Righteous looks around at the darkness, pierced only by the red alert lights.

Righteous - The power's out?

Senseless shakes his head.

Senseless - Come on you two.

Senseless, Blavik and Tener leave the bridge.

Righteous - Hmmm...we should be doing something now shouldn't we?

Puker - Uh...

Righteous - I know! Let's just wait here!

Baque - I like that idea.

Genocide - How about we get the communications system online? Now that we know what's happening, we should be able to cut through the interference and talk to each other.

Righteous - It's prayer time, everyone either join me or shut up. Where are those candles?

Scene 9 - A jefferies tube. Garell is crawling along with Bios following her and Center bringing up the rear.

Bios - So I was thinking about it, and the more I thought about it, the more it had to make sense. We can traverse the quantum thresholds because we're on the ship that they were formed on. In the other realities, it would look like a strange anomaly with a weird quantum signature just opened up on some random deck. If we walk through one, it would look to anyone in those realities like we just appeared out of thin air. We can see through the thresholds and not past them because photons in our reality can traverse the thresholds and reach our eyes.

Center - Then how can light from another reality come through the threshold?

Bios - I...haven't figured that out yet.

Garell - It's probably something similar to how when people are out of phase they don't fall through the floor and can still breath normally.

Bios - Yeah. Exactly. So, if we generate a subspace implosion wave with OUR precise quantum signature in it's resonance frequency, we should dissipate the thresholds and the other quantum realities should go away.

Center - And will the parts of the ship that they inhabit come back?

Bios - Theoretically. I hope...yeah probably.

Garell - OK down this way guys.

A crackally noise comes from their combadges.

Baque - (white noise) Come in– (white noise)

Garell - What was that?

Baque (clear) - Can you hear me now?

Garell - Loud and clear.

Baque (comm) - Good. The COMM system is back online. Stand by.

Silence, they continue crawling.

Baque (comm) - OK we've accounted for just over twenty crewmembers. Looks like the rest are stuck in...wherever the replaced sections of the ship went. Or they fell victim to another reality.

Camera goes to Senseless, Blavik, and Tener, who appear to have joined the conversation. They too are in a jefferies tube.

Senseless - Any luck with the sensors?

Genocide (comm) - No sir, the consoles still don't have power.

Senseless pushes off a hatch and crawls out into a corridor which is poorly lit and really dirty.

Senseless - We've almost reached the astrometrics lab. Even if it's in another reality we should be able to map some of the ship if we know what to look for.

As they turn down the corridor, they hear noises coming from behind them.

Senseless - Stand by.

They pull up close against a wall as the noises get louder. Suddenly, several Cardassian soldiers round the corner and spy the three officers. They stop, confused.

Tener - Hi, we were just on our way back to our quantum reality and we must have taken a wrong turn at the Breen-infested version of the ship. Could you point us in the right direction?

PZZZT! The Cardassians whip out phasers and start blasting as Senseless, Blavik, and Tener take off running.

Tener - That's a no.

The run into the astrometrics lab and the Cardassians follow, only to disappear as they cross the doorway.

Blavik - Most fortunate.

Senseless activates the viewscreen and hits some more buttons. A schematic of the Celestial appears onscreen, with dozens of coloured blobs indicating different quantum realities.

Senseless - Oh...not good. There's a lot more than I thought. Looks like there's at least 70 distinct realities and some repeat in places.

Suddenly the door opens and a guy wearing a PACMAN suit runs in out of thin air.

PACMAN - OH GOD NO!!! HELP! OH GOD!!!

Then, a guy wearing a ghost costume runs in out of nothingness as well, chasing the PACMAN guy.

Ghost - Woka woka woka woka woka woka woka woka woka...

PACMAN - OH JESUS CHRIST, SOMEONE HELP ME!!!

Ghost - Woka woka woka.

Both run out of the room and disappear. The three officers just sort of raise eyebrows.

Tener - Did...that just happen?

Senseless - I...don't even want to know what could have gone different to cause that.

Blavik - It appears as if some of these realities are beginning to collapse, and are taking the rest of the ship in with them.

Senseless - What?!?

Blavik - Look here. These two thresholds on deck 11 have moved close together, but the adjoining quantum realities haven't changed size. The ship is slowly being imploded.

Tener - How long until structural collapse?

Blavik - Not long. A few minutes at most.

Senseless - Let's just hope Lieutenant-Commander Garell can get to Engineering in time.

Garell (comm) - Garell to everyone else.

Righteous (comm) - Go ahead.

Garell (comm) - We have a slight problem...

Camera goes to Garell, Bios, and Center who are standing right in front of a forcefield. Beyond them is about a metre more of lit corridor, then nothing. Stars can be seen past that, with several lit corridors appearing out of nowhere at several places.

Garell - Engineering doesn't exist.

Scene 10 - Bridge. The intercom is still working.

Righteous - Are you sure it's gone? Maybe if you look closer?

Garell (comm) - Yes sir, it's gone. Our whole plan is shot.

Senseless (comm) - We've got five minutes until half the ship rips itself apart.

Genocide - Any more bright ideas.

Bios (comm) - The only other option would be maybe to use the warp core in the runabout but we'd need to channel the implosion pulse through the deflector dish and the deflector controls are crawling with radioactive mutant zombie Borg no-names from the bottom of deck 20.

Camera goes to the astrometrics lab.

Senseless - We're already on deck 8. We can probably get to the deflector controls fairly easily. We'll just have to fight our way through to them if necessary.

Garell (comm) - We can probably get to the shuttlebay, assuming it's still in one piece.

Senseless - We're in luck. The shuttlebay is painted the same colour as the bridge on this thing.

Baque (comm) - I have something you might need. I'll meet you on deck 12.

Senseless - Four minutes. Let's go, everyone!

Senseless, Blavik, and Tener run out the door. Each pulls out a phaser and starts shooting Cardassians as they come into view until they leave that reality. Meanwhile, Garell, Bios, and Center are crawling through jefferies tubes. Camera goes back to Senseless, Blavik, and Tener who have gotten onto deck 12 and are surrounded by slimy assimilated corridor, running for their lives from several Borg zombies.

Senseless - Probably should have thought through this first.

They spy the door to the Main Deflector Control room. Tener, leading them, runs through. However, a tubule shoots out of the wall and hits Senseless in the leg, throwing him against the wall and pumping him full of nano-viroid things or whatever I decided to call them.

Tener - Commander!

Senseless - GO! Leave me!

Blavik stops and grabs him by the arm.

Blavik - Come on sir.

Senseless - Damn it, Ensign, if there was ever a time to be logical now is it. We have less than a minute left!

As he says that, the corridor rips open and the air starts to be sucked into glowing white light.

Tener - Ensign I can't do this on my own!

Senseless - Logic says you leave me! Don't be sentimental, for God's sake!

Blavik - Actually sir, logic dictates that you must live. Captain Righteous would destroy us without you to control him.

She throws him into the Deflector Control room, crossing a threshold and making the nano-viroids in his body go away, leaving him with nothing but a few ruptured cells and a leg wound. Blavik follows just as more tubules shoot at her.

Garell (comm) - Garell to Senseless. We're ready!

Blavik - I can't align the deflector from here!

Garell (comm) - We're out of time, I'm activating the pulse!

Baque - COMMANDER!

The three officers turn around and see Lieutenant Baque standing at the other end of the corridor, holding a PADD. The corridor continues to rip itself apart.

Baque - Catch!

He throws the PADD as hard as he can and it somehow makes it across the corridor and into Tener's waiting hands. He passes it to Blavik just as the ship starts to shake.

Blavik - Channelling implosion wave, now!

She presses a button on the PADD and an implausible blue wave moves throughout the ship. The camera moves to and watches as various sections revert to normal as the wave passes, leaving a bunch of very confused no-names standing around. Camera goes to the bridge, where the lights suddenly come on and all consoles regain power.

Righteous - I'm guessing it worked.

Puker - Obviously.

Genocide - Alright...the variance in the warp field is gone. Yet another crappy episode comes to a close with a whimper.

Scene 11 - Bridge. Everyone is present.

Bios - What I don't understand is why none of the senior staff were trapped in over-written sections of the ship like the rest of the crew.

Puker - Plot purposes. Well, all's well that ends well. We got to watch the Celestial used as giant boom-box, got to revisit some of our more disturbing episodes, and didn't manage to destroy a runabout.

Garell - Not quite, anyway.

Righteous - So naive Vulcan underling, Commander Senseless tells me that you saved his life.

Senseless - She disobeyed direct orders and could have gotten herself killed. If that had happened, no one would have been able to work the deflector. If anything, I should put her on report.

Righteous - Well luckily you don't run this ship.

Genocide - Could have fooled me...

Righteous reaches in his pocket and pulls out a rank pip.

Righteous - I think it's about time you got promoted. Congratulations, Lieutenant, Junior Grade, Blavik.

Everyone claps.

Center - I don't suppose you have any more pips in your pocket, sir?

Righteous - As a matter of fact, Ensign, I do.

Center - Woo hoo!

Righteous pulls out a pip and goes over to Baque.

Righteous - I went over an old log entry and apparently I was supposed to be reminded to promote you. Here you go, Lieutenant-Commander.

Baque, stunned, takes the pip and just looks at it.

Baque - Wait...you were actually serious about that?

Righteous - Apparently. Now, helm boy, set a course for...wherever it was that Admiral Spot wanted us to go. Engage.

Center - Are there any more promotions, sir?

Righteous - Why would there be?

Center - God damn it...

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	17. Celestial 37

Star Trek: Celestial #37 - Revelations

By Swordtail

Started June 24, 2007

Finished July 1, 2007

Scene 1 - The camera watches as the USS Celestial pulls up to one of Deep Space 9's upper docking pylons.

Righteous (voiceover) - Captain's log, stardate 436136.2. That five digit stardate system can just bite me. I like this one better and so does Admiral Spot. Now all ships have to use it. Go me! Anyway, after a week of travelling, we've finally reached Bajor. Fleet Admiral Spot, our boss's, boss's, boss's boss, wants us to patrol the Celestial Temple to make sure the Dominion renegades which may or may not exist don't try anything stupid...and if they do, I think Admiral Nelix wants us to stop them. Go us!

Camera goes to a docking port, you know those round gear things that spin sideways. A bunch of Starfleet officers walk out, followed by Lieutenant-Commander's Garell, Baque, and Genocide. I should point out that Bajor is now part of the Federation and the Bajoran Militia are now enlisted Starfleet officers...so no more crappy Bajoran pajamas.

Garell (yawning) - I still think you could have slowed us down enough so we arrived around ten oclock instead of five in the morning.

Baque - I wasn't flying the ship. You can blame our new night shift helm person.

Genocide - Damn vulcans and their damn efficiency.

Garell - Let's go to Quark's. I have that gambling itch again.

Baque - That's probably because you didn't wash your hands after handling his Dabo wheel the last time.

They walk out of range and Captain Righteous walks into the room, looks around happily, and let's out a sigh. Commander Senseless follows him.

Righteous - Ahhhh...smell that sweet Bajoran air.

Senseless - This is a Cardassian space station, now under Federation administration.

Righteous - But lots and lots of Bajorans live here. I'm going to the temple. Don't wait up.

Senseless - I'll just go do your job then.

Righteous (waving at him) - Thank you Commander!

Senseless rolls his eyes and walks away.

Opening credits...(hamburger falls on it). Woot, they're not on YouTube! Go me!

Scene 2 - Commander Senseless walks into Ops. Ezri Dax, Kira Nerys, Julian Bashir, and Captain Sisko are already present. I'm too lazy to go and try to figure out their ranks from books and stuff like that.

Sisko - Ah, Commander. Good to see you again. Please, come in.

They two of them go into Sisko's office. Sisko orders a Raktijino from the replicator.

Senseless - I'll just have a black coffee. Does Captain Righteous know you're back onboard?

Sisko - No, he doesn't, and I'd like to keep it that way. The Prophets erased most of my memory of the future but I still remember the past and I distinctly remember that Righteous Lee was a bit...annoying.

Senseless - He can be. He thinks the Prophets are guiding his life. He even told me once that he re-joined Starfleet under their guidance.

Sisko flinches.

Sisko - Um...there may be more truth in that then you think...(mutters) He wasn't supposed to remember that...

Senseless - What?

Sisko - You'll find out soon enough. Best not to worry about it.

Senseless - Yes sir. So...where' the Defiant?

Sisko - It had an unfortunate run in with a Bolian transport...we're waiting on another one.

Senseless - How many is that now?

Sisko - I've lost count. So, Admiral Nelix tells me you're to patrol the wormhole for any sign of Dominion activity?

Senseless - Yeah. Now that the Breen were able to find a way to temporarily incapacitate the Prophets, we need to be more careful. Actually there's talk of building a Spacedock type space station to replace DS9. But I doubt it will happen for a few years.

Sisko - So, what's it like travelling on a Celestial Class ship? I hear you cruise at warp 7?

Senseless - Celestial Class? I think it's actually Opaka Class.

Sisko - Well we can't go around naming warships after a woman of peace now can we? Besides, the only two ships of that class ever created were named "Celestial."

Senseless - I guess you're right, but I doubt Lee will stop calling it an Opaka Class ship either way. It was never a warship in his mind.

Sisko - Take it from me, Righteous Lee is one of the dumbest and luckiest people I've ever known. He's not a bad captain once you get used to him.

Senseless - If you say so sir...If you say so.

Scene 3 - Quark's bar. Garell has won a load of latinum, much to Quark's dismay.

Dabo Girl - DABO!!!

Garell - Heh heh heh.

Quark - OK! That's enough! Every time your ship comes here I end up losing profit. Get out!

Odo walks in.

Odo - QUARK! I thought there was a rule of acquisition that says you should honour your customers.

Quark - Not when they're taking all your money!

Genocide - Constable, we need to chat.

Odo - OK, in my office.

Genocide and Odo go to the security office while Garell and Baque clean out Quark some more.

Genocide - Alright, so you came back from the Great Link last year, right?

Odo - That's correct.

Genocide - Were there any murmurs of dissent then?

Odo - Not really.

Genocide - Starfleet Intelligence has found out that a radical sect in the Great Link has broken away and more or less reformed the Dominion.

Odo - Really? How come I wasn't given these reports?

Genocide - Uh...that's classified. Anyway, this Angry Mean Dominion poses a threat to the Federation like no other. You think the Dominion's Alpha Quadrant forces were powerful? Imagine what they've built up in the Gamma Quadrant in the past couple years.

Odo - The Angry Mean Dominion? A colourful name. What's the one I helped create called, the Happy Fun Dominion?

Genocide points his finger at him.

Genocide - Don't make cross-parody references. It's bad enough we steal jokes from them sometimes.

(Maybe...I can't think of a single incident but I'd better cover my ass :p)

Odo - Well I'll look into this Dominion threat. Still, it's odd how you came across this information without Starfleet Intelligence telling me first.

Genocide - Best not to worry about it. I'll be in touch.

Genocide leaves the security office and, not looking where he's going, trips on the raised doorway, making a loud crashing sound.

Scene 4 - Ops. A no-name gets a confused look and stares at his console.

NoName #1 - Uh...Commander Kira? Something is coming through the wormhole.

Kira - Onscreen.

The oval viewscreen activates and shows the wormhole open and a Jem'Hadar battleship come out and head straight for the station.

Kira - Hail them.

Boom, station rocks, sparks. Camera watches as the battleship fires a few shots at the docking ring then heads away from the station. The camera goes back to ops where everything is at red alert. Senseless and Sisko run out of the office.

Sisko, Senseless - REPORT!

They look at each other.

Kira - A Jem'hadar battleship just came out of the wormhole, fired a few shots at us, and left.

Sisko - Are they in weapons range?

Kira - No sir, and they're not responding to our hails.

Senseless - Contact the Celestial crew and tell them to get back to the ship.

Senseless and a no-name get into the turbolift.

Senseless - Celestial.

NoName #2 - Quick! To the idiotmobile!

Scene 4 - The Celestial pulls away from DS9 and jumps to warp. On the bridge...most people are present...sort of.

Righteous - What's the big deal? All they did was blast a few vacant sections and then leave.

NoName #2 (at helm) - They're on a course bearing 214 mark 115: Deep into Federation space.

Senseless - I want to know every system along their path.

Bios - Never mind. There's only one. The Talos system.

Tener - Isn't that system off-limits?

Senseless - Yes it is...do these Jem'hadar think they can hide from us there?

Righteous - Let's prove them wrong. Pursuit course, maximum warp!

Center - Captain, it's forbidden to enter the Talos system.

Righteous rolls his eyes.

Righteous - Priority one communication with Admiral Nelix, please?

A few seconds later, Admiral Nelix appears on the screen, reading a PADD and lapping at some milk.

Nelix - What now? I'm busy.

Righteous - Can we follow a Dominion ship into the Talos system?

Nelix chokes on his milk, rolls over, and falls off the table. Everyone on the bridge looks at each other. A moment later, a distraught looking Nelix climbs back onto the table and into the view of the camera.

Nelix - YOU WANT TO DO WHAT?!?!?! AND WHY!?!

Senseless - A Jem'hadar battleship came through the wormhole, fired on the station, and is now en route for the Talos system.

Nelix - Do you know how much crap I'd get in if I let you go there!?!

Righteous - A little?

Nelix - Alright, get that ship before it enters the system, but DO NOT enter the Talos system or you're officially a renegade ship and I'll disavow all knowledge of you.

Righteous - Gotcha. Helm crewman, maximum warp!!!

Camera watches as the ship jumps to warp 9.936 or 9.94 or whatever the top speed ended up as.

Scene 5 - A turbolift stops at the top of Upper Pylon 1 and opens. Lieutenant-Commander Garell, Baque, and Genocide get out and look out the airlock into space.

Genocide - I don't believe it. They've left without us!

Baque - Damn it, I knew that obstinate, cynical, good-for-nothing Vulcan wanted my job!

Then, the turbolift doors open again and Puker and Blavik walk out.

Puker - Damn it they left without us?!?!

Baque - Wait, Lieutenant Blavik, if you're here, who is piloting the ship?

Genocide - A better question, who is manning tactical? James?

The turbolift doors open and Tener walks out.

Tener - Hey, where's the ship?

Garell - Perfect, who else is going to show up?

Blavik - Computer, how many officers of the USS Celestial are onboard the station?

Computer - There are six USS Celestial officers onboard the station.

Garell - Commander Senseless and the Captain have gone after a Dominion ship with a barge full of no-names and Ensign Center and Lieutenant Bios.

Puker - They're about the worst combination you can make. Get those two and a monitor together and their productivity drops to less than zero.

Genocide - Well no use complaining about it.

Baque - Yes there is, I enjoy complaining about things.

Puker - Me too! Like this one time when this crewman came in bleeding all over the carpet, I complained and complained and eventually he stopped bleeding and I could get back to work. Complaining has its uses.

Odo (comm) - Lieutenant-Commander Genocide, please report to my office.

Genocide - On my way. The rest of you guys, figure out what's the nearest ship in the area and have them come to DS9. I have a feeling that ship came through to lure the Celestial away from the station.

Scene 6 - Odo's office. Genocide walks in but Odo is nowhere in sight.

Genocide - Hello—AH!

A hand comes out of nowhere and throws him against the wall. Camera pans around and sees that it is the Section 31 agent that is always being vague and setting things up for future episodes and stuff like that.

Genocide - WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!?!

Agent - I COULD ASK YOU THE SAME QUESTION!

Genocide - Let go of me!

The agent tightens his grip on Genocide's throat.

Agent - You're going to find a way to get the Celestial back or I swear to God I'll destroy your precious ship!

Genocide (gagging) - What?

Agent - If that ship enters the Talos system, it will never make it out.

Genocide (turning purple) - But...they're...chasing...a...Dominion...ship!

Agent - Don't worry about that ship, it won't get far. For that matter, a thousand of them wouldn't get far.

Genocide's eyes widen, and not because he's about to lose consciousness.

Genocide (now turning various shades of blue and gray) - You have a fleet in there!

The Agent releases him.

Agent - I see you're smarter than we give you credit for. Yes, we have a fleet of Starfleet ships being built in the Talos system. A very large fleet, and it's nearly finished.

Genocide - You're going to do what the Obsidian Order and the Tal Shiar tried to do!

Agent - Only we're going to succeed. Reasons, you ask? One, we've been very secretive about this. Not even Fleet Admiral Spot or the President knows about it. We've been getting all our raw materials from the Gorn and the Orion Syndicate.

Genocide - You're working with Chester? What's he getting in return?

Agent - Ships and weapons. How do you think he got his hands on those inversion bombs?

Genocide - You gave him antimatter inversion bombs?!?!

Agent - Relax, they were never armed. He just thought they were. Even that colony he thought he blew up was simply a massive holographic projection and false sensor data. The colony is fine. We've been letting him run around and reek havoc throughout the quadrant to distract everyone.

Genocide - Oh my god I should have seen it all along. You've been lying to me from the start haven't you?

Agent - You, Logic Man, neither of you could be fully trusted.

Genocide - Oh not him again...

Agent - Since Dominion ships can't come through the wormhole–

Genocide - Ah, actually they can. The Breen made sure of that.

Agent - For a while, but then the wormhole fixed itself. They're stuck back there now. Do you honestly think the Breen could have pulled off something like that without the Prophets involving themselves?

Genocide - So you're little speech about Chester being a threat to the Federation was...?

Agent - Chester is a mild nuisance, nothing we can't control. I just have to blink a certain way and he wakes up dead the next morning. Don't look so surprised, where did you think he got that Sovereign class starship he is so fond of nowadays?

Genocide - So when Admiral Nelix was working for Chester, he was actually working for you?

Agent - Ironic, isn't it? He never really betrayed the Federation but everyone thinks he did. Anyway, we're telling you this because there's no way the Dominion can stop us. We've acquired some of those perfect cloaking devices the Remans developed. The Dominion won't know what hit them. We won't decloak until we're sure we've found the Changeling homeworld. Then we intend to hunt down every ketrecell white facility in the Gamma Quadrant and destroy those as well. Within a month, the Dominion will only be an unpleasant memory. To answer your next question, we've installed ablative armour emitters and transphasic torpedo technology in all of our ships. There's no way the Jem'hadar can stop us.

Genocide - I could expose you, and then every major power on this side of the galaxy will attack your base.

Agent - Let them. That will just weaken them some more. The Romulans, Cardassians, and Klingons won't pose a threat for another decade at least. Besides, half our fleet is online already.

Genocide - So what did you do with the inhabitants of Talos IV?

Agent - Killed 'em. Sent in computer controlled ships and bombarded the planet from orbit. There's nothing left of it except a cloud of gravel.

The Section 31 agent hits some buttons on Odo's console.

Agent - Here. Tell your comrades to turn around.

Genocide - Fine.

Captain Righteous and Commander Senseless appear onscreen.

Genocide - Sir and sir, you have to turn around. Don't follow that ship.

Righteous - Why?

Genocide - Because they're just leading you away from the station.

Senseless - We already got Admiral Nelix to divert the USS Solaris to protect the station. They should be arriving shortly.

Genocide - Commander, I really think the Celestial should come back...now.

Genocide gives Senseless a weird look, which Senseless obviously understands.

Senseless - Understood, we'll turn around in a minute. Celestial out.

The channel cuts. Genocide turns back to his mysterious friend.

Genocide - I have a few questions. First, if the Prophets aren't letting Dominion ships through the wormhole, how did that one get through? Secondly, if there's "no way they can pose a threat to your plans," why are you so intent on keeping the Celestial out of that system?

Agent - Need to know basis. We'll be watching you.

Genocide is about to reply with a snarky remark but the Agent vanishes in a transporter beam.

Scene 7 - Celestial's bridge. The holographic form of Admiral Spot is watching the Celestial's viewscreen, which is showing Genocide's recorded transmission.

Spot - ...Well?

Senseless - That's the "Keep going but also come back" look he sometimes gets. Bios, configure a remote operated shuttlecraft to emit our warp signature and then find a way to mask ours.

Bios - I'll get right on it, sir.

Spot - What could be so important in that system that the Dominion is risking total war just to go there? I want you guys to find out. General Order 7 is temporarily rescinded. Spot out.

Spot fizzles out.

Bios - The shuttle is ready.

Righteous - Send it already...sheesh. Helm, resume course as soon as it's away.

NoName #2 - Woo hoo! Road trip!!!

Senseless - We're gonna regret not waiting another few minutes before leaving the station.

Camera watches as the Celestial jumps to warp just as a shuttle does the same heading the other way.

Righteous - How long will this take?

NoName #4 - About three hours.

Righteous - ...If anyone wants me I'll be in my quarters.

Scene 8 - Some random room on DS9. Genocide, Garell, Baque, Blavik, Tener, and Puker are sitting in a circle.

Tener - So...you used to work for Section 31, but then you quit, and now they're telling you this stuff...why?

Genocide - Beats me. All I know is that if they succeed, they'll probably start another war, one which we might not win.

Garell - They certainly picked a good solar system to build their fleet in. No one even goes within a dozen lightyears of that place if they have any common sense.

Baque - We sit here and complain about their methods and illegal activities, but what if they're right? What if the Dominion HAS split into factions and one of those factions wants to eliminate us?

Genocide - According to my contact, the wormhole is no longer allowing Dominion ships through...again. But the Breen were able to open it once, so it stands to reason the Dominion could do it again.

Kira - Ops to Genocide.

Genocide - Go ahead.

Kira - You wanted to be told when the Solaris arrived. Well, they're here.

Genocide - Thanks, Genocide out. Alright guys, I have a plan.

Blavik - Does it involve taking the USS Solaris into the Gamma Quadrant to spy on the Dominion?

Puker - Oh god no...

Garell - No, Genocide, Baque, and I will go. The rest of you stay here and inform the Captain and Commander of what we've been talking about as soon as they get back.

Genocide - They're not coming back. They're continuing on to the Talos system. But you didn't hear that. You all think they're coming back. Got it?

Puker - Ah, I get it...intrigue! Mystery! Suspense! Low ratings?

Blavik - What?

Puker - Sorry, I got carried away there for a moment.

Scene 9 - An Ares Class starship (think "Side Effects Include Hallucinations") , the USS Solaris, NCC-81470, pulls into Lower Pylon 1, 2, or 3, I can't keep track of them anymore. Genocide, Garell, and Baque walk onto the ship literally just as the airlock opens and a Bajoran captain and his Trill first officer are about to walk out.

Captain Ketrell - Woah, what's the rush?

Genocide - No time to talk, we need to take your ship into the Gamma Quadrant and poke the Dominion with a pointy stick to see if they're in a biting mood.

Commander Ren - And who the hell are you people?

Genocide - Oh, sorry, I'm Lieutenant-Commander Genocide, the Celestial's tactical officer, this is Garell and Baque, the chief engineer and helmsman.

Ren - Nice to meet you, now get out of my way!

Ketrell - You'll have to excuse her, she's in a pissy mood.

Ren - You try waking up to battle drills three days in a row!

Ketrell - Have you cleared this idea with Starfleet Command?

Genocide - Yes, the Chief of Defence Staff, Fleet Admiral Spot gave us permission.

Baque - She did?

Garell elbows him in the ribs.

Baque - Oof, I mean, she did.

Captain Ketrell gives them a suspicious look but steps aside.

Ketrell - Who am I to argue with the Chief of Defence Staff, but you better have a good reason.

As they enter the ship, they realize it looks very similar to the one Chester made them all imagine being on a few episodes back.

Garell - This is a nice ship.

Ren - Fresh out of the shipyard. Newest ship in the Ninth Fleet.

Garell - Oh you got stuck in the same fleet as Righteous, Shields, Picard, Farfetched, and Castanea. Sucks to be us all.

Ketrell - Not my first choice...

They enter the bridge. A bolian helmswoman, a Vulcan science officer, a Tiburonian operations officer, and a human tactical officer all look up from what they're doing, then go back to work without so much as a smile.

Ketrell - OK, so scheduling a battle drill every morning at 0500 probably wasn't that good of an idea.

Ren - Ya think?

Ketrell - Lieutenant Frell, take us into the wormhole, full impulse.

Frell - Aye sir.

Lieutenant Teverin (ops) - Sir, DS9 is asking why we're leaving.

Ren - Tell them to fuck off and leave us alone.

Ketrell - Yes, but word it a bit more diplomatic.

Teverin - I'll just tell them we're going to test out the engines some more.

Sa'lol (science) - Captain, the station is powering all it's weapons.

Ketrell - Open a channel!

Lieutenant-Commander Adair (tactical) - Raising shields!

Teverin - Channel open.

Ketrell - This is Captain Ketrell Valen of the USS Solaris, stand down weapons!

Sisko appears on the screen.

Sisko - Captain, what's going on? Our weapons just activated on their own.

Teverin - Incoming quantum torpedos!

Ren - Get us through the wormhole, NOW!

The ship puts on a burst of speed and flies through the wormhole just as a blue torpedo detonates right behind them. They come out the other side and come to a halt next to the relay station.

Genocide - What the hell was that all about!?!

Garell and Baque look at him.

Baque - You tell us.

Genocide - Uh...well we got lucky.

Ketrell points an angry finger at him.

Ketrell - You...nearly got our new ship damaged...

Sa'lol - Captain, sensor sweeps are done. There's one shit load of Dominion ships in the Idran system, about 4.7 lightyears from here.

Ren - How many ships constitutes a "shit load?"

Sa'lol - About five thousand. Oh damn they've seen us...we're fucked.

Frell - Might I advise getting the heck out of here before they come to investigate?

Genocide - Not quite yet. We need to check something. Set a course for the Founders homeworld. Keep our weapons offline. Besides, I doubt they'll get too close to the wormhole or face the wrath of the Prophets. Lay in the course.

Ketrell - Are you insane!?!

Baque - A valid question...Commander?

Genocide - I need to gather some intelligence for Section 31.

Adair nearly throws himself out of his chair.

Adair - What!?!?

Genocide - They have built a massive fleet of Starfleet ships and intend to vaporise the Changelings. I need to know which faction is left on that world. If they vaporise the wrong Founders, we could be in for a much bigger fight than they're expecting.

Ren - This isn't exactly how I anticipated our first mission to go.

Ketrell - Fine, set a course and keep the weapons powered down, but also keep a very close eye on those five thousand ships parked in the Idran System.

Camera watches as the Solaris jumps to high warp.

Scene 10 - Bridge of the Celestial.

Center - The Dominion ship has entered the Talos system. They've dropped to impulse.

Senseless - Red alert. Take us in. Activate the multiphasic shields, maybe they'll stop some of the native's telepathic powers.

NoName #3 (tactical) - Shields up.

Righteous - So why don't se stay at warp and drop right in front of them?

NoName #2 - Oh! Great idea! Wheeeee!

The camera watches as the Celestial drops out of warp just in front of the Jem'hadar battleship, probably scaring the crap out of them.

Senseless - Lock target on their engines and fire!

NoName #3 - They're engines are offline...but I'm not sure it was us that did it.

Center - They're hailing us.

Righteous - Put it up.

A female changeling appears onscreen, being flanked by a Vorta and the Jem'hadar First.

Changeling - We're sorry for the inconvenience, but we had to make sure you were going to follow us.

Senseless - What are you doing here?

Changeling - Our intelligence suggested that the Federation was building up a massive fleet in the Talos system. We had to find out if it were true or not.

Righteous - That's ridiculous. The Federation has better things to do than build lots of ships.

Bios - Uh, captain?

Righteous - Not now, girl who breaks stuff a lot. I'm busy. Ms. Changeling, you know that by firing on a Federation space station you've committed an act of aggression and we don't like it. At all. Not in the least.

Vorta - The attack was mild, there was no damage to your space station. We could have done far worse.

The Jem'hadar first whispers something to the Changeling.

Changeling - It appears that our fears were justified. We'll be leaving now.

Center - They're engines are back online and they've jumped to warp.

The channel cuts.

Center - They're heading back to the wormhole.

Bios - Captain! Commander! You really ought to see this.

Senseless - See what?

Bios hits some buttons and the viewscreen changes to show an aft view. In the distance, the outlines of dozens of ships can be seen, and they're getting bigger.

Righteous - My Prophets...

Senseless - What are they?

Center - According to the transponder signals, they're Starfleet ships...lots of them...I'm counting over 500 ships.

Bios - Sovereigns, Galaxy's, Akira's, Prometheus', Defiants, Ambassador's...hundreds of them.

Senseless - That fleet probably has enough firepower to take on any major power in any quadrant...

The camera watches as the hundreds of massive ships slowly pass the Celestial, causing so much subspace turbulence in their impulse wakes that it causes the ship to shake slightly.

Senseless - Who built them? Starfleet couldn't have, or Spot would have known about it.

Bios - Uh, there's more. Twelve more ships coming out of the system...Flourish class.

Righteous - Isn't that the class of ship the USS Litterbox is?

NoName #3 - Just one of those ships has enough firepower to obliterate an entire planet...

NoName #2 - The ships have gone into warp.

Bios - They're heading will take them...to Bajor. The sheer number of ships is preventing them from going any faster than warp 5.

Center - At that rate it'll take them a good week to get there.

Senseless - Helm, set a course for DS9, maximum warp! Ensign, get me Starfleet Command...Admiral Spot and I need to have a chat.

Scene 11 - The USS Solaris drops out of warp near the Founder's planet. It enters orbit. On the bridge...

Frell - Standard orbit achieved, sir.

Baque - You're far too cheerful for that job. I give you a year and you'll be as cynical and distraught as myself.

Ketrell - Commander, prepare an away team. I'll be leading it.

Ren - Works for me.

Genocide - Shouldn't you be telling him to stay behind?

Ren - I honestly couldn't care less.

Ketrell, Adair, Genocide, and Garell leave the room. Once they're gone, Baque casually walks over to the helm.

Baque - So...think I could take her for a spin?

Frell - Over my dead blue body.

Scene 12 - The four officers materialize on that small rock in the middle of the Great Link. Garell is carrying a bag of stuff.

Ketrell - HELLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! WE'RE HERE TO TALK!!!

A Changeling clumps together and turns solid. She approaches the Starfleet officers.

Changeling - Hello. Why are you here?

Genocide - We need to know your opinion of the Federation and the Alpha Quadrant in general.

Changeling - We have no quarrel with the Federation at this time.

Garell - Well we don't feel like taking your word for it, so we brought a friend.

At that, the bag she was carrying turns into Odo.

Odo - Sorry to barge in.

Ketrell and Adair's eyes go wide, and Odo steps into the Great Link and liquefies.

Adair - Why didn't you tell us he was coming along?

Garell - We wanted to, but Odo likes to make entrances. I think he likes being the Dues Ex Machina of DS9.

A second later, Odo resolidifies and walks out of the Link.

Odo - She's telling the truth. These are the good guys.

Changeling - I suppose you want to know where the others went?

Genocide - If it's not too much trouble.

Changeling - We will not betray our brethren, not matter how our views differ.

Genocide - Would you three excuse us for a moment?

Ketrell - Are you sure?

Genocide - Yes. I'll beam up in a minute.

Garell, Ketrell, and Adair beam back to the ship. Genocide turns to Odo and the other Changeling.

Genocide - Now you listen and listen carefully. Ever heard of Section 31? They infected your people with a potent virus. Anyway, they don't like failing. They still consider the Changelings a threat. They've built an enormous fleet of ships and are going to do to you what the Obsidian Order and the Tal Shiar failed to do. They're going to wipe you out. I need to know where your lesser halves have gone. If I can convince them to attack the bad guys, you might just have a chance.

Changeling - We know about the fleet, and what it's telling us is that the Federation is preparing to declare war on us.

Odo - Section 31 doesn't exactly represent the interests of the Federation...they just do their dirty work.

Genocide - That fleet can't be stopped. It doesn't answer to anyone. I don't know how they got so many people into Section 31, or how they managed to do this all in secret. For all I know they've been working on this since the war. But if you don't give me something, they'll wipe you out. All of you. I'm asking you to save your race. Take the fight to someone else. If Section 31 no longer considers you a threat, you'll be safe. So unless you have a better idea...

Both shape shifters give him a thoughtful look...

Scene 13 - Genocide walks onto the Solaris' bridge.

Genocide - Take us back to the wormhole.

Ren - Did you figure out who controls those ships in the Idran system?

Genocide - Yes. And it's not our friends down there on that planet. We need to get back and tell the Alpha Quadrant to prepare for the fight of their lives.

Sa'lol - Oh to be a Klingon right now...

Scene 14 - The USS Celestial pulls back into DS9. The airlock opens before Baque, Blavik, Puker, and Tener. NoName #2 runs out practically jumping with joy.

NoName #2 - OH YEAH! I GOT TO PIOLET A STARSHIP! MY FRIENDS ARE GONNA BE SOOO JEALOUS!

He trips on a raised floor thing and hits the wall with enough force to break his neck, killing him instantly. The other four officers turn their gaze back to the airlock where Senseless and Righteous come out. They all start talking at once.

Puker - Fleet! Talos system!

Tener - Section 31 is going to attempt to destroy the Dominion!

Blavik - They can not be allowed to succeed.

Baque - You idiots left without us!

Righteous, Senseless - We know already!

Baque - You do?

Senseless - We ran into that fleet on it's way here. It'll reach Bajor in just over a week.

Tener - Oh...Lieutenant-Commander Genocide didn't tell us that part.

Scene 15 - The camera pans around the station. Several Federation starships are in the vicinity, including the Celestial and Solaris. The camera goes to some random room, where Genocide enters. The Section 31 Agent is already there.

Agent (clapping slowly) - Good work, Nick.

Genocide - Fuck you, you fucking son of a bitch!

Agent - I assume you were told by your peers about our fleet now being in operation.

Genocide - Yes, but you're going after the wrong planet. You have to stop those ships before they enter the Gamma Quadrant. If you piss off the wrong Founders, you'll start a war we can't win. Where do you think all _their_ forces will go once you kill them?

Agent - You still don't get it do you?

Genocide - I get it better than you think. This has nothing to do with "protecting the Federation." This is about manifest destiny. You people think the Federation is God's gift to the Universe. You believe we're the ONLY way to live, that the Romulans, Klingons, Cardassians, and the Dominion are inherently evil because they're not one with us. Well you're wrong. Diversity is a good thing! You want to become like the Borg, don't you? That's what you're doing. By wiping out everything that is a "threat to the Federation," you're just turning the entire galaxy into a single entity, with no separate ideas, philosophies, and ways of life. And in some ways, that's a good thing. There will be no war, no strife, no disease or hardship. But what happens when a race from another galaxy comes and finds the United Federation of Planets, ripe with complacency? What will they be able to do to us, having evolved through hardship for centuries, while we wallowed in our own self-pride? Your way of saving the Federation may only doom us. We don't need to be the top dog to survive.

(And if that doesn't drive the point home for you, you're either really dense, I suck at writing, or you're a right wing super-patriotic...member of a certain Norther American nation which shall go unnamed.)

Agent - Very touching. But it's every society's right to fight to be the best. If the Romulans, Dominion and Klingons can't come up with the stuff we're doing, then they deserve to die. Survival of the sickest.

Genocide - We'll agree to disagree then. Now, let's make a deal: I'll give you the coordinates of the bad Dominion's home system if you stand down all those ships and turn them over to Starfleet Command.

The agent pulls a PADD out from behind him and waves it in the air.

Agent - Too late. You really think we would have just let you go into the Gamma Quadrant if we didn't want you there? Had we wanted to, those weapons would have blown you out of the sky before you even left the station. Thanks to you we now have the coordinates of BOTH Changeling worlds. You fell for our trap, hook, line and sinker.

The Agent gets up and leaves the room, leaving Genocide foaming at the mouth and shuddering in rage.

Genocide - I...don't...like...being...used. God DAMN it!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	18. Celestial 38

Star Trek: Celestial #38: Degraded

By Swordtail

Started July 2, 2007

Finished July 7, 2007

Computer - Previously, on Star Trek: Celestial:

Shot of the Dominion fleet in the Idran system, in the Gamma Quadrant.

Shot of the Section 31 fleet at warp 5.

Shot of DS9 with the Celestial and the Solaris there.

Shot of Chester playing with a ball of yarn.

Shot of a happy face balloon.

Computer - And now...

Scene 1 - The camera watches as a Bajoran transport ship docks with DS9. Camera goes to the airlock, where an important looking Bajoran guy walks out carrying a briefcase. He is met by Captain Righteous, Commander Senseless, and Lieutenant-Commander Garell.

Bajoran - I am Doctor Jelor.

Righteous - I'm Captain Righteous, this is Commander Senseless and this is–

Jelor (waving him down) - I know who you are. Now, where's my ship.

Garell - _You're_ ship?

Jelor - I designed the Celestial Class, after all.

Righteous - Celestial Class? What? I've been calling it the Opaka Class for years!!!

Senseless - Well...Sisko was right.

Righteous - Sisko? You were talking to him?

Senseless - Uh...in a manner of speaking...visions, you understand.

Righteous - Only too much.

Senseless - Commander, Doctor Jelor is here to help us upgrade the Celestial. We need all the help we can get to stave off the imminent Dominion invasion.

Garell - OK but let's get one thing straight: It's MY ship now, you're just here to help ME.

Righteous - I thought it was MY ship!?!

Nelix - No, it's my ship, and don't you ever forget it.

Admiral Nelix and Fleet Admiral Spot trot down the corridor and stop to talk with the other people.

Righteous - Kitties!

Spot and Nelix roll their eyes.

Senseless - What are you guys doing here?

Spot - I'll forgive you for not keeping track of every ship that's arriving at DS9 these days. There are a lot of them. Anyway, the Ninth Fleet is beginning to arrive, and the Litterbox just got here a few minutes ago. Admiral Nelix here came with the USS Scratchingpost.

Nelix - I want Chester's new ship, the OSS Hairball.

Spot - I have some news. The Federation council unanimously condemned the actions of Section 31. They're hoping, with no support, they'll turn around and not invade Dominion space.

Garell - Well, let's see, they've violated General Order 7, murdered an entire race, violated the Treaty of Algeron, violated the Temporal Prime Directive, the Prime Directive, the Not So Prime Directive, the wishes of the Federation Council, direct orders from Starfleet Command, and are planning to commit genocide. Yeah, I can sure see them turning around now that people publically don't like them.

Spot - I didn't say it was a good idea.

Senseless - Just out of curiosity, how many Ninth Fleet ships have arrived?

Nelix pulls out a tiny kitty PADD.

Nelix - Let's see...Celestial, Solaris, Borg Buster, Enterprise, Drunk, Weed Plant, Citadel, Saratoga, Avenger...

Garell - The Avenger? NOW I KNOW WHERE I'VE HEARD THAT VULCAN'S NAME BEFORE! Doesn't the Solaris' science officer have the same name as the Avenger's chief engineer?

Spot - Do you know how many Fred's there are on Earth?

Garell - Point taken..but for clarity, they ARE different people, right?

Spot - Yes. So Admiral Nechayev doesn't like losing, and forced the Ninth Fleet to take the USS Avenger.

Righteous - Sounds to me like the author forgot he'd used that name before.

Nelix - Luckily no one cares what you think.

Jelor - AHEM!

Spot - Oh, sorry doctor.

Jelor - So, let's go take a look at the good 'ol NCC-91482...

Garell - Actually...that ship blew up. The one we have is the NCC-80164.

Jelor - PROPHETS DAMN IT!

Opening credits...heh...he said credits.

Scene 2 - Garell and Jelor walk into the Celestial's main engineering. Dozens of no-names are milling around.

Jelor (yelling out) - Ladies and gentlemen, and transgendered species, today...we're gonna pimp your ride.

Garell - Run a diagnostic on everything. Shut down the warp core.

NoName #1 - Yes ma'am.

Jelor - So...let's take a look.

He goes over to a console and starts reviewing status reports. A frown forms on his face.

Jelor - You've gone through at least three warp cores, have had nearly every section of the ship replaced at least once. There are microfractures along the duranium endoskeleton! And they've been there for MONTHS!

Garell - Yeah, I was getting around those.

Jelor - Fixing them? You don't fix a duranium crystal endoskeleton.

Garell - And that's why they never got fixed. You should have thought about repair when you designed the damn thing!

Jelor - If I didn't use a duranium endoskeleton, the ship wouldn't be able to survive ramming another object!

Garell - We've only used that a handful of times and we could barely move after it anyway!

Jelor - You didn't see the damage that happened to the Enterprise after it rammed that Reman ship?

Garell - What exactly are you going to be updating?

Jelor - Weapons, warp drive, shields, sensors, and computer interfaces.

Garell - It took me over a year to fine tune this ship to meet everyone's needs. I'd rather not have to do it again.

Jelor (sigh) - Commander, I respect your engineering competence, but I designed this ship. I know it like the back of my hand. In fact, I doubt you remember me but I was on Utopia Planitia while you were stationed there. I think you were a Lieutenant at that time. You were in charge of testing, weren't you?

Garell - ...Maybe. I don't care if you engineered the universe. On this ship, my word in engineering matters is law, so you'd better clear everything you do with me before you do it...or so help me I'll kill you.

NoName #1 - She'll do it, she's killed dozens of us before!

Jelor swallows loudly.

Scene 3 - The camera pans by the station, where even more Federation, Klingon, Romulan, and Cardassian ships have arrived. Scene jumps to an office onboard the station, where Admiral Spot is meeting with all the other Fleet Admirals that have arrived.

Spot - Now, I know it's not standard procedure to take the top brass into the line of fire, but in this case we might not have a choice. We know the Dominion can scramble transmissions, so we need you guys nearby to give direct orders to your fleets.

One of the admirals raises their hand.

Spot - Yes, Admiral?

Admiral #1 - Do we get cupcakes at this meeting? I was told there would be cupcakes!

Spot (rolling her eyes) - There are no cupcakes.

Another admiral raises her hand.

Admiral #2 - What about ice cream? Can we at least get some ice cream?

Spot - No! No ice cream, no cupcakes, and no more stupid questions!

Several admirals shift uneasily.

Nelix - What about Righteous, Picard, and Shields?

Spot - What about them?

Nelix - They're idiots. I don't think their ships should be put in command of battle squadrons.

Spot - And on that note, back to the matter at hand. All ships larger than 500 crew will be made command ships in the fleet. Orders will be delegated from each of your flagships to each command ship, and they will inturn control the smaller ships and fighters.

Admiral Ross - Can I get a bigger ship?

Spot - No. It's not my fault you like Defiant Class ships.

Ross - Sisko got to control other ships and all he had was a Defiant!

Spot - Sisko was competent.

Ross looks at his boots.

Ross - I used to be competent...

Spot - So did Sisko. Note I said "was." So, battle drills every day from now on until–

Nechayev - Are we planning on engaging the Section 31 fleet that's coming this way?

Spot - We can't afford to. You didn't hear this, but they've got Reman cloaking devices and transphasic torpedoes and ablative armour from the future. We wouldn't stand a chance.

Nechayev - Does the Dominion?

Spot - That remains to be seen...and frankly I couldn't care less.

Scene 4 - Jelor is crawling at full speed through some jeffereies tubes, turning corners without so much as reading the signs on the hatches and stopping to make adjustments to controls and relays along the way. Behind him is a distraught Garell, who is out of breath and trying to keep up.

Garell - What...are...you...doing...now!?

Jelor - Re-calibrating the ODN relays on this deck.

Garell - What? I thought you just did that an hour ago!

Jelor - That was on deck 14. We're on deck 2.

Garell - How can you fly through these tubes so quickly?

Jelor - A strict exercise regiment and a keen mind.

Garell - Whatever. Can we take a break?

Jelor - You're welcome to leave, I don't need your help with most of this.

Garell - Oh no, the Commander told me to keep an eye on you and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Jelor - Alright. Break's over. Time to realign the phaser emitter lateral running strip.

Garell grabs him by the boot to stop him.

Garell - Stop. We're not going anywhere until you tell me how you got so well versed in Federation technology. The Opaka Project was in operation well before Bajor entered the Federation.

Jelor - Well...who said I was on Bajor at the time? For your information, I already had a doctorate degree when the Cardassians employed me. I didn't want to build stupid yellow cardie ships so I annoyed the Cardassians so much with my incessant banter and annoying quirks that they kicked me off the planet. I went to the Federation and started working at the Utopia Planitia shipyards around Sol IV.

Garell - So by being an annoying little pissant, you got lucky and built this pile of crap?

Jelor - Yep! Now, let's go realign some phaser emitters.

Garell just shakes her head and crawls after him.

Scene 5 - Celestial's bridge. Righteous, Senseless, Genocide, Baque, Center, and Bios are present.

Righteous - What's a battle drill?

Genocide - I can't believe this...

Righteous - Seriously, someone please tell me.

Genocide - I vote for me to run the drills.

Senseless - You'll get no argument from me.

Baque - Why did my console just rearrange itself?

Senseless - Explain.

Baque - The "Go" button used to be in the upper right corner. Now it's in the middle left.

Garell (comm) - Garell to bridge, sorry for any inconvenience, but our good Doctor Jelor decided to reinitialize the operating system.

Bios - He's into the computer systems?!?

Garell (comm) - Yes, he is.

Bios - Son of a bitch!

Bios runs for the turbolift.

Bios - Deck 14.

The doors close and the turbolift drops.

Baque - Stupid...bajorans...

Righteous - Bajorans are not stupid! We're all smarter than you guys!

Center - I agree sir.

Righteous - Exactly. See, even one of your own agrees.

Senseless - Captain, the Bajoran temple on the promenade got a new orb in a while ago.

Righteous - ...

Before anyone can say anything else he engages a site to site transport and disappears.

Center - Commander, Captain Ketrell of Solaris is asking to meet with you.

Senseless - Ok...Ketrell, Ketrell...where have I heard that name before?

Genocide - He's probably related to that Ketrell Eden guy who was making those antimatter inversion bombs 247 years ago.

Senseless - Oh yeah...more name recycling.

Baque - Bllllt...Paramount did it all the time.

Scene 6 - A table in a room. Only a single light over the table illuminates the card game that's going on. Commander Jack Senseless, and Captain's Ketrell Valen, Leon Farfetched, Amy Castanea, Spot Jr., Jean-Luc Picard, Benjamin Sisko, and Captain Jones of the Avenger are playing "Cheat".

Picard - One ten.

Sisko - Two jacks.

Castanea - Cheat.

Sisko - Damn it!

Jones - One queen.

Senseless - Two kings.

Ketrell - Three aces.

Castanea - Cheat.

Ketrell - Prophets damn it!

Spot Jr. - What are you, a telepath?

Castanea - Heh, heh, heh. Nope, you guys just have crappy poker faces.

Farfetched - Two two's, you jackasses.

Castanea - Four threes.

Spot Jr, Sisko, Picard, Farfetched - Cheat!

Castanea flips over her cards, revealing four threes. Spot Jr., Sksko, Picard, and Farfetched's eyes go wide. They two turn over a card each, revealing a three.

Senseless - What did you do, bring an identical deck and hide it in your uniform?

Jones - That's cheating!

Castanea - DUH! THE GAME IS CALLED CHEAT!

The door opens and Admiral Nelix walks in.

Nelix - What are you idiots doing!?!

Farfetched - Playing cards, jackass...I mean sir.

Nelix - Half the fleet is out doing battle drills and you're all playing cards?

Senseless - It sure looks that way, sir.

Nelix - Why isn't anyone from the Borg Buster here?

Castanea - Because Captain Shields is an idiot and Commander Homicide would have killed us all by now.

Nelix points toward the door.

Nelix - Battle drills...NOW!

Everyone groans and leaves the room.

Scene 7 - Camera is in space where several dozen ships are flying around some moon. And by several dozen ships I mean the entire Ninth Fleet. Camera goes to the bridge of the Celestial, where the bridge staff is having a grand old time watching imaginary Dominion ships fly across the viewscreen and get destroyed.

Baque - Woo hoo!

Genocide - Take THAT sensor ghost Dominion pieces of crap!

While everyone except Senseless laughs at the made-up carnage, the USS Borg Buster crosses the viewscreen, really close.

Baque - Ah ha ha oh shit!

CRASH!!! The two ships collide, sending everyone bouncing across the room.

Righteous - Oops! Open a channel.

Center - Channel open sir.

Righteous - Sorry, guys!

Homicide's face appears onscreen.

Homicide - Beam over here and say this to my face shit heads!

Shields - Maybe we should remember our anger management exercises. Breath in, and breath out, breath in, and AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Homicide jumps Captain Sheilds and Gunner, Lucky, and Gribble join in the bridge brawl before the screen goes to a sign that says "We are experiencing technical difficulties".

Righteous - Ah yes, it's nice to see everyone getting along so well.

Senseless - Lieutenant-Commander, please try not to crash us into anything else.

SMASH! The Celestial rear-ends the Saratoga and bounces off its shields. CRASH! The Citadel is hit by the Saratoga and goes spinning end over end. WHAM! The spinning citadel hits Solaris, which pitches downward violently and broadsides the Avenger, which slides sideways and scrapes against the Enterprise. Camera goes to DS9 where Admiral Nelix has both his front paws on his forehead and is shaking his head while sighing. He turns to another nameless admiral.

Nelix - Is it too late to request a transfer?

Admiral #3 - I thought that "Knocked Up" was a fairly decent movie and was a worthy summer comedy film.

Nelix - What are you talking about?

Admiral #3 - Oh, sorry, wrong show.

Admiral #3 taps his combadge and is beamed away. Nelix just goes back to shaking his head as he watches his fleet try to get re-arranged.

Scene 8 - Garell is still following Jelor as he makes modifications to systems. The ship is still slightly shaking around them as the Ninth Fleet gets tangled up once again.

Garell - You haven't made any major modifications to the systems yet! All you've done is adjust things slightly and re-calibrate other things a little more.

Jelor - Trust me.

Garell - The last Bajoran that said that to me ruined my life. I think you know him, his name is Righteous Lee.

Jelor - Prior to working on the Celestial, you were scrubbing waste transfer conduits, so frankly this is the best thing that ever happened to you.

Garell - Why are you such a pain in the ass!?!

Jelor - I don't know, I was about to ask you the same question. All you've done since I got here was to question my decisions and make fun of my species.

They realize that they've been standing in front of Lieutenant Tener for the entire conversation.

Tener - Uh...just a thought here, but could it have something to do with the fact that you two are so similar?

Tener walks away. Garell and Jelor look at each other.

Garell - I still hate you.

Jelor - The feeling is mutual.

Scene 9 - In Spot's office, all the fleet admirals are sitting around listening to Spot talk about how screwed they all are.

Spot - ...And the fact is the Dominion could potentially use any method to open that wormhole. We need to be ready. That is why, we're going to use...

She opens a desk drawer with her paw and tries to lift out a book, but it's too big and heavy.

Spot - Hello? A little help here?

Admiral Ross - Huh? Oh, right!

Admiral Ross goes and takes the book out of the drawer and drops it on the desk next to Spot with a loud "thud." On the cover is written "The United Federation of Planets' Big Book of Plans That Didn't Quite Work But Still Could, 2381 Edition." Spot flips to a page.

Spot - This is the same book Section 31 used, by the way. Here, entry six million, three hundred fifty seven thousand, one hundred forty seven: Mining the Bajoran wormhole.

Admiral Janeway - I know I'm not a fleet admiral, but it should be stated that the said plan didn't quite work. And I want to be in this episode.

Spot - Hence the title of the book. It didn't work because Sisko overlooked a tiny flaw in his plan: The mines could be deactivated using something here on the station. We're going to shield every mine from almost every form of radiation.

Nechayev - So who are we going to send to deploy the mines?

Ross - Not the Ninth Fleet, I hope.

Nelix - Yeah...and call it feline intuition, but I have a good feeling about the crew of the USS Solaris...

Camera jumps to the Solaris' bridge, where an Andorian woman wearing Starfleet standard issue pajamas and holding a toothbrush, walks out of the turbolift.

Lieutenant-Commander Dalarsh - Just a heads up, the warp core won't be back online for another few hours...I overslept. Again.

Camera goes back to Spot's office.

Spot - No, I'm going to personally see to this. The USS Litterbox will deploy the mines and some nameless ships from some nameless fleets run by you nameless admirals will protect her.

Admiral #1 - I like it! I have Sovereign class ships in my fleet! Go me!

Admiral #2 - Idiot! We all do! They're like the Galaxy Class of the 80's!

Nelix - I don't have any...well, unless you include the Enterprise...I used to have the USS Asskicker but the Celestial had to go screw that up.

Spot - You were the one who insisted on connecting that half-built Opaka Class ship to your beaten up Sovereign saucer section.

Nelix - It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Spot - Enough chit-chat. The Section 31 fleet will be here in god knows how long. They've cloaked. The bastards. Stupid Remans. God I'm getting irked at this situation. Fucking Founders! Dismissed!

Scene 10 - Quark's bar, Deep Space Nine. Baque, Garell, and Bios walk in. Quark freaks out and rushes over to them.

Quark - Perhaps I could interest you in a holosuite, rather than another boring game of Dabo?

Garell - Relax you stupid Ferengi, we just want a drink that's not full of synthahol.

Quark - Bad day?

Baque - Piss off, no body likes you.

Bios - And for your information, it was a shitty day.

Garell - It put the shitty in shitty day.

Baque - Who knew fighting in a fleet was that hard? I don't remember it ever being this hard before.

Bios - That's because we've never had to deal with this many ships before. Half the Federation fleet is here getting ready for a Dominion invasion which may never come.

Quark - I don't know about you, but it's times like this when I like to remember the 19th rule of acquisition: Satisfaction is not guaranteed.

Baque - What?

Quark - Or was it the #65: Win or lose, there's always Hupyrian beetle snuff.

Baque - How about #59: Free advice is seldom cheap. What do you want?

Quark - Oh...nothing...but, if you happen to know when that rogue Federation fleet is due to arrive at the station...

Garell - No we don't, and even if we did, it would be top secret information which we wouldn't be able to tell you–

Bios - As early as tomorrow.

Quark - ...Tomorrow?

Bios - That's considering a cruising speed of warp 6, assuming they spread out enough to allow it.

Garell - Why did you tell him that?

Quark - You mean as early as tomorrow, we could all be dead?

Garell - Oh cheer up, I'm sure you'll be able to make a tonne of profit before that happens. After all, just think of all the people who will be looking for transport away from the Federation?

Quark - Rule of Acquisition #125, you can't make a deal if you're dead! I have to start packing!

Quark leaves the room.

Garell - Finally...good thing you remembered the "when in doubt, lie" rule, Bios.

Bios - Lie? Who said I was lying?

Baque - Wait...you were serious? They could be here as early as tomorrow?

Bios - Yep. They enter the Gamma Quadrant tomorrow morning, we have another war on our hands by the afternoon. The karmic cycle closes. Kiss you proverbial ass goodbye.

Baque - Rule of Acquisition 25: There's always a way out. Think we'd get in trouble if we went AWOL?

Garell - Commander! I'm shocked at you!

Baque - Oh come on, I know you were contemplating it too!

Garell - No, I'm shocked that you know so many of the Rules of Acquisition. I'm all for going AWOL.

Bios - Then what are we waiting around for? I'm thinking, Nyberrite Alliance?

Scene 11 - Celestial's ready room. Senseless is yelling at Baque, Garell, and Bios.

Senseless - What the hell were you thinking!?! Stealing the St. Lawrence right out of our shuttlebay?!? Where did you think you could get in a runabout!?!

Baque - We were hoping to get to the Nyberrite Alliance.

Senseless - You were trying to run away from the fight?

Garell - It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Bios - They made me do it!

Garell - You suggested our destination, dimwit!

Senseless - We're on the eve of the Federation's most important battle since the Borg invaded. Do you know how cool the fight is going to be? Do you? We're talking finale-level coolness here! The battle to end all battles, until a better one comes along! Look at these specs.

He picks up a PADD.

Senseless - 950 Federation starships, 300 Klingon ships, 200 Romulan, 250 Cardassian ships, we've got the Tholians too.

Baque - And we're still outnumbered almost five to one.

Senseless - Oh lighten up. We all know how crappy Dominion ships are. Just look out that window and still tell me we have no hope in hell of beating them.

The other three officers glance out the ready room window in time to see a Cardassian Galor and a Romulan Valdore class ship collide and both explode.

Bios - I'm suddenly feeling confident.

Senseless - That's the spirit. Now, march out there and set a good example for the nameless extras we keep on hand for stunts.

The other three roll their eyes and leave the room. Senseless calls after them.

Senseless - Oh, and you're not allowed to leave the ship anymore.

Garell - GOD DAMN IT!

Scene 12 - Camera is on the USS Litterbox as it deploys self-replicating, cloaked, shielded mines at the entrance to the wormhole.

Spot - Chief of Defence Staff's log, stardate 436147.9. It's lunch time and I'm hungry.

Scene 13 - The Litterbox is almost done the minefield.

Spot - Chief of Defence Staff's log, supplemental. Lunch was good. I had some bread pudding and a bowl of vitamin enriched milk. We're nearly done the minefield, so maybe the Federation Council will finally get off my back. There is now no way the Dominion can get into the Alpha Quadrant unobstructed...and I've just probably jinxed the whole thing.

Camera goes to a random corridor on DS9. Sisko and Admiral Spot walk up to Odo and some of his security officers. On the wall, in red crayon, is a flaming happy face.

Odo - They call themselves the "Cult of the Pah Wraiths." They've annoying little jerks with nothing better to do. They believe the Pah Wraiths are the "true Prophets" and seek to release them from the fire caves. However, none of them like the cold so they go nowhere near the caves.

Sisko - Tighten security around this section.

Odo - Already done.

Sisko - And try to round up a few of these cultists for questioning.

Odo - Already done.

Sisko - And post more security near the Bajoran temple on the Promenade.

Odo - Already done.

Sisko - And get me a raktajino.

Odo (passing him a cup) - Already done.

Sisko - If you keep this up, I'm going to stop issuing orders.

Spot - Already done.

Sisko - What?

Spot - Just kidding...I couldn't help myself.

Sisko - Didn't the Cult of the Pah Wraiths used to use a different symbol?

Odo - It was too hard to spray paint onto walls so they changed it. Besides, they probably realized the old one looked too much like a Federation starship.

Scene 14 - Bridge of the Celestial. The viewscreen is showing the Ninth Fleet nicely arranged in rows of ships.

Righteous - Congratulations, everyone! We did it! Admiral Nelix will be so pleased.

Senseless - Now we just have to manage to do this same thing in front of the wormhole among over a thousand other ships.

Baque - Sir, I'm picking up a ship heading this way at full impulse. It's a Bajoran transport.

Center - What are they doing here, Bajor is a million kilometres in the other direction.

Bios - It's probably heading for the moon we're orbiting.

Genocide - Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that moon uninhabitable?

Baque - Well, it didn't USED to be!

Genocide - How was I supposed to know a tricobalt torpedo would do so much damage to the atmosphere?

Baque - He's in visual range.

Righteous - Onscreen.

Beep! The Bajoran transport comes onscreen, and flies right between several ships. Captain Picard's face appears on the screen.

Picard - Did you guys see that as well?

Righteous - Sure did! I thought all space traffic was cut off to this region because of the battles we're pretending to fight.

Picard - We should check it out. You all stay here, we'll go after it.

Righteous - Okey dokey.

The camera watches as the Enterprise-E turns away from the rest of the fleet and goes after the transport. Half way to the moon, it turns around and fires at the Enterprise, blowing a hole in the saucer section. Camera goes to the Enterprise's bridge.

Picard - Status report!

B4 - We're in a room; it's shaking.

Laforge - Main power is offline! The power grid on decks 5 through 8 are fused.

Picard - Mother fucker! Why does this always happen to US!?!

Camera goes to the Celestial's bridge. Everyone is freaking out at the damage to the Enterprise.

Senseless - SINCE WHEN ARE BAJORAN TRANSPORTS ARMED!!!

Genocide - SINCE WHEN CAN BAJORAN WEAPONS BLOW HOLES THROUGH FEDERATION STARSHIP HULLS!

Baque - The transport is heading back for the moon.

Senseless - Shields up! Red alert! All hands to battlestations! Mr. Baque, lay in a pursuit course.

Righteous - Shouldn't we bring some backup?

Senseless - Of course, sorry, I'm just so used to us being the only ship in the sector. Tell the Saratoga and the Citadel to form up on our wing and follow us at a close distance.

The Celestial and the Saratoga and Citadel fly toward the Bajoran transport, which turns around and fires at them.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Senseless - Target their weapons, return fire!

Bios - They're using a focussed verteron beam, highly powerful. No known power uses such weapons.

Genocide - They're cultists. Look at the emblem on the side of the ship.

Righteous - Hmm...they've never caused us problems before.

Senseless - You knew they were kicking around out here?

Righteous - Meh, if they want to throw away their lives worshipping false Prophets so be it. But they've never gotten their hands on weapons like this.

Genocide - Why aren't we in weapons range yet!?

Baque - They're moving too fast. I can't catch them...crap...they've entered the planet's atmosphere. We've lost them.

Righteous - Damn it. Well no use crying over spilt spring wine. Let's go back and resume our position in the fleet.

Senseless - Captain? Shouldn't we be worried about this?

Righteous - Mr. Genocide, what's the status of our shields?

Genocide - 99. Looks like that weapon can't go through shields that well.

Righteous - Exactly. Nothing to worry about. Engage.

Senseless - Ooook...

Scene 15 - The camera watches as the entire Federation, Romulan, Klingon, and...I can't think of anything else...yeah all the ships are formed up at the mouth of the wormhole. Camera goes to Fleet Admiral Spot's office, where Spot is talking with the Federation president.

Spot - That's right, Mr. President. We're in position to blow the Jem'Hadar ships out of the sky as they exit the wormhole. Like shooting fish in a barrel.

President - Excellent. So everything is taken care of then? Nothing to worry about.

Spot - Well, not that I see. Our first line of defence, of course, if the Prophets. Frankly I think they're just a bunch of useless wormhole aliens but Captain Sisko seems to like them so they can't be all good. If the Dominion makes it through the wormhole, our next line of defence is the minefield, then the Federation and Klingon fleet. If any ships get past that, they have to deal with the Romulans and the Tholians and the Cardassians. If they get past that, they have to deal with DS9. I don't think we have anything to worry about.

President - Famous last words.

Spot - What?

President - Oh nothing, just seemed like the best thing to say at a time like this.

Scene 16 - Bridge of the Celestial. Everyone is present. Doctor Jelor pulls his head out of a gutted console and puts the cover back on.

Jelor - All done.

Garell - All done?

Tener - Cool. About time.

Bios - So...what exactly did you change?

Jelor - Try it all out.

Baque starts hitting buttons on his console, a smile creeps across his face.

Baque - The helm is at least twice as responsive now! And the engines are showing a 12 increase in power!

Genocide - Weapons systems activate faster, phaser recharge rate is increased slightly,

Bios - Sensor resolution is way better, as is sensor range!

Garell (astonished) - Well...I'm impressed!

Jelor - Thank you, Commander.

Garell - So how exactly did you do all that?

Jelor - Simple. Since the ship was built I've been running simulations and tweaking various systems. I think I've found the best mix of form and function available on this class of vessel.

Senseless - On behalf of the entire crew, we thank you for your time and effort. Let's all celebrate with a bottle of champagne.

Jelor - Your welcome. Oh, one more thing...I had to take the replicators offline, but I'm sure you can get them back before the war breaks out. Also, I'll charge the bill to Starfleet Command, and they'll probably take it out of your ship's latinum reserves. Bye!

Jelor leaves the bridge.

Senseless - God damn it! Why does nothing ever come free anymore!?!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	19. Celestial 39

Star Trek: Celestial #39: Tool of the Prophets, Part I

By Swordtail

Started July 7, 2007

Finished July 9, 2007 (holy crap!)

Computer - Previously, on Star Trek: Celestial...

Shot of the Dominion fleet in the Idran System.

Shot of the Section 31 fleet heading for the Bajoran system.

Shot of the massive Federation, Romulan, Klingon, Cardassian and various other fleets stationed at the mouth of the wormhole.

Shot of a minefield covering the wormhole.

Shot of Righteous activating a powerful weapon and destroying a massive ship in orbit of a planet.

Shot of a temporal anomaly opening and swallowing the Celestial.

Shot of a flaming happy face.

Shot of an orb hitting Commander Righteous in the head (You FanFiction people won't get that one...visit my site!)

Shot of the Breen firing an energy dampening weapon into the wormhole.

Shot of a steaming bowl of oatmeal.

(Ok so that's a little out of order...)

Computer - And now...

Scene 1 - Thousands of ships sit in wait at the mouth of the wormhole. Suddenly, it opens. The camera goes to the bridge of the USS Litterbox, where Fleet Admiral Spot is watching the wormhole open.

Captain Spot Jr. - There it is again. It just opens, and...

The wormhole spits out more light than normal, then closes.

Spot Jr. - Spazes out, and closes.

Spot - Have our scientists figured it out yet?

NoName Cat#1 - No, ma'am. And the Bajoran vedeks can't explain it either.

Spot - Well we have better things to worry about. Does this pose any danger to the minefield?

NoName #1 - Not that I can tell.

NoName Cat #1 - It could be an indication that the Dominion is trying to get through.

Admiral Spot - It could also be the wormhole aliens showing off.

Opening credits...I got nothing this time.

Scene 2 - The camera goes to the bridge of the Celestial, which is at yellow alert. Everyone is present.

Doctor Puker - I just hope you people don't decide to let consoles blow up in your face. There's no excuse for that...at all. You see a build up in the plasma conduits, you get out of your chair. None of this "well it's probably nothing" crap. I swear to god, if I see one of you come in with plasma burns, I'm not going to treat you. God frakking damn it!

Lieutenant Bios - Alright everyone, I'm picking up massive subspace distortions heading this way...here they come.

The camera looks at space as a few hundred armoured Starfleet ships decloak and head into the wormhole. One, a Flourish Class dreadnought (looks like the USS Litterbox) slows down and comes along side the Celestial. On the bridge.

Lieutenant-Commander Baque - What the hell?

Senseless - Hail that ship, maybe it's the leader.

Ensign Center - Opening hailing–

Bzzzzzzzt! They all turn around in time to see Lieutenant-Commander Genocide transported away.

Senseless - RAISE SHIELDS!

A no-name runs to tactical and presses some buttons.

NoName #2 - Shields up, sir!

Righteous - Follow them! They're getting away!

Sure enough, the massive Flourish Class ship can be seen flying away and rejoining the rest of the fleet that's entering the wormhole.

Baque - Course plotted, your highness.

Righteous - Was that sarcasm? I couldn't tell.

Center - Captain, Admiral Spot is ordering us to maintain our position.

Senseless - Did you tell her that ship abducted one of our officers?

Center - Not yet.

Senseless - Then get on it before–

Bios - Captain, the ship just cloaked. We've lost it.

Senseless - Damn! They beamed him straight off our bridge! That's it! I want a dampening field installed before something like this happens again! Mr. Baque, put us back in formation.

Scene 3 - Celestial's bridge. The holographic form of Fleet Admiral Spot is prancing around.

Spot - No, for the last time you can't enter the Gamma Quadrant and rescue your incompetent tactical officer.

Righteous - With all due respect, ma'am, he's more competent than his replacement.

Tener - HEY!

Spot - Fine, if you really want him back that badly, I'll send Solaris to look for him. The Dominion already sort of trusts Captain Ketrell and his band of soap-opera rejects, so they have a better chance of finding him.

Senseless - I'd like to send over some of my crew just for kicks.

Spot - Fair enough, but no one that's going to be needed. Spot out.

Spot fizzles away into nothingness and Senseless turns to Tener.

Senseless - Lieutenant...

Tener - Damn it! God damn it! Why is it always me that has to go on these dumb pointless adventures! I thought I said after that last time with Admiral Nelix I wasn't going to go on any more away missions!

Righteous - Oh don't be a poo poo head. Just grab a shooty thing and get our beloved maniac of a tactical officer back in one piece.

Tener mutters under his breath as he leaves the bridge.

Scene 4 - The USS Solaris leaves it's position near the rest of the Ninth Fleet and heads into the wormhole, which is still spazzing out. On the bridge, all the bridge staff are present.

Lieutenant Frell (helm girl) - Should I point out the major plot hole that we and the Section 31 fleet just got through that wormhole without hitting a single mine?

Commander Ren - Starfleet probably bought the fucking things from the damn Ferengi.

Captain Ketrell - Any sign of the Section 31 fleet?

Lieutenant Sa'lol (science officer) - Not that I can detect...but that massive Dominion fleet is still kicking around the Idran system.

Tener - Think they went to attack them?

Ketrell - I doubt it. They probably intend to kill the Dominion at the head...they'll attack both Founder homeworlds.

Frell - Captain...that fleet is on the move.

Sa'lol - Confirmed. They've set a course bearing 181 mark 010.

Ren - That would take them...where?

Lieutenant Tevarin (ops) - That'll take them straight for the rogue Founder's homeworld.

Ketrell - Think we're too late?

Lieutenant-Commander Adair (tactical) - Gee what a crying shame that would be.

Ketrell - Lay in a pursuit course, and match their speed. Keep them just at the edge of our sensor range.

Tener - What will that do?

Ren - Solaris is a science ship, with advanced sensor systems. Hopefully our active scanning range is longer than theirs. We'll see them but as far as they are concerned we never left the vicinity of the wormhole.

Frell - Course laid in.

Ketrell - Engage.

Solaris' underpowered warp engines sputter to life and the ship jumps to warp.

Scene 5 - Lieutenant-Commander Genocide wakes up in a dark room. A few seconds later, the door opens and he shields his eyes from the bright light. Two no-names wearing a strange variation of the Starfleet uniform walk in and pick up him, dragging him out of the room. They take him somewhere else and plop him down in a chair at a table. The Section 31 agent everyone doesn't know and loves walks in and sits across from him.

Genocide - Care to explain what the HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?!

Agent - Come now, Nick, you know better than that. No yelling on my ship.

Genocide - Your ship? Where are we?

Agent - We're onboard the federation starship S31 Impounder, the flagship of our little fleet here.

Genocide - Why was I brought here?

Agent - Well, I constantly beamed myself around, I saw it only fair that you got to do the same at least once.

Genocide - That's not a good answer.

Agent - We need your tactical expertise. Like it or not you're the best damn weapons officer in the Alpha or Beta quadrants...which says how screwed the Federation is.

Genocide - I won't help you wipe out an entire race.

Agent - Gee, you'd think with a name like yours...

Genocide - Oh shut it.

Agent - I think you'll change your mind once you see what these ships can do. Right now, we're cloaked so perfectly even the Q would have trouble finding us. The Dominion won't know what hit them. Nothing can go wrong.

Genocide - Working under Captain Righteous has taught me at least one thing...something can always go wrong. You could be standing in the middle of a big empty field and reach down to pick up a coin and BAM! Arm falls off.

Agent - Come with me.

They get up and go to the Flourish Class ship's bridge. A dozen or so no-names look up and salute as the agent walks onto deck.

Agent - As you were. Helm, ETA?

NoName #3 - Two hours, sir.

NoName #4 - Sir, long range sensors have detected a massive Jem'Hadar fleet in pursuit.

Agent - Impossible, there's no way they could detect us.

NoName #4 - Maybe they didn't. They might just be coming back to their homeworld.

Agent - No matter, they pose no threat. We'll deal with them as soon as we take care of their precious gooey gods.

Genocide - You are way too confident.

Agent - You would be too if you knew what I know.

Genocide just rolls his eyes.

Scene 6 - Ops, DS9. Sisko walks out of his office and Kira goes up to him.

Kira - Captain, I think we've overlooked something.

Sisko - Oh?

Kira - During some of the battle drills, while no one was paying close attention, I think a ship went through the wormhole.

Sisko - What kind of ship? One of ours?

Kira - It's energy signature says it's a Bajoran transport, but the wave amplitude of the signature is off the scale. That thing probably had a massive warp drive. Bajoran transports don't have warp capability, normally.

Sisko - Hmmm...I'll contact Admiral Spot.

Camera goes to the bridge of the Celestial. Everyone is sitting around, being very bored.

Baque - It's been an hour...we should have heard something.

Bios - What if Solaris got destroyed?

Senseless - Think positive thoughts people.

Righteous - PROPHETS!!! WHEE!!!

Senseless - Sir, the Prophets aren't involved in this.

Righteous - Oh pleeease. Just read the episode title. Any minute, something all religious and holy is going to happen and our lives will be changed forever.

Bzzzzzzzzt! Righteous is beamed away in an unfamiliar transporter beam.

Senseless - SON OF A BITCH!!!! OK! RAISE THE SHIELDS AND DON'T LOWER THEM!! EVER!! WHERE THE HELL IS THAT DAMPENING FIELD!!!

Garell - Uh...sorry. I was getting around to it. I didn't think the author would use the same plot device twice in a single episode.

Scene 7 - Righteous materializes onboard a Bajoran transport which promptly zooms away from the fleet, unnoticed. Righteous tries to make the best of the situation as several cloaked (as in hoods and stuff, not invisible) Bajorans approach him.

Righteous - Hi guys! How's it going? Is this a party? I like parties, just not surprises, but I'll make an exception in this case.

Bajoran #1 - You talk too much.

Punch!

Scene 8 - Celestial's bridge. It's at red alert, and Admiral Spot is again standing on the bridge.

Spot (rubbing her forehead) - So let me get this straight...first your tactical officer is kidnapped, then your commanding officer is kidnapped...and you don't know where he went?

Senseless - That's right ma'am.

Spot - Well with Righteous gone we might just win this battle.

Baque - When is this battle going to happen, anyway? We've been here for a good week now waiting for the fighting to break out.

Spot - I don't remember asking you a damn thing, Lieutenant.

Baque - I'm a lieutenant-commander.

Spot - Whatever. Fine, you can break formation to go look for your idiot captain. BUT GET BACK HERE AS SOON AS YOU CAN! SPOT OUT!

Spot hits an unseen button so hard the holoemitters on the bridge blow out and fall from the ceiling, killing a no-name.

Senseless - Helm, take us toward Bajor.

Baque - Why the hell would I want to do that?

Senseless - Alright, you didn't hear this but there's some kind of link between our moronic captain and the Prophets. I don't know what it is yet, but do you remember that temporal anomaly that threw us into the past and then the future? Do you remember how our stupid captain suffered from a massive headache just before we were tossed into the future? Well, that temporal anomaly had the same verteron flux as the wormhole we're guarding. Coincidence? I think not. Somehow, and for some reason, the wormhole aliens wanted us to go to the past and then the future.

Center - Uh...why?

Senseless - Who knows. Now, the only people who might want to kidnap him would be those Pah Wraith worshippers. Remember that ship that we saw head for that moon? So, I say again, take us toward Bajor, full impulse.

Baque - ...Uh...course laid in...sir.

Scene 9 - Righteous wakes up in a dark and dirty metal room. His hands and feet have been tied together and his combadge has been removed.

Righteous - Oh real mature, you guys! Come in here and face me like a Bajoran!

Two cloaked figures enter the room.

Bajoran #1 - You are Righteous Lee?

Righteous - Last time I checked. But hang on...

He manages to pull an ID card out of his pocket and reads it.

Righteous - Leroy Brown? What the hell? Oh, well I'm pretty sure my name is Righteous Lee.

Bajoran #2 - You serve the false Prophets.

Righteous - The fire caves I do.

Bajoran #1 hits him.

Bajoran #1 - Do not take the Pah Wraith's place of residence as a form of derogatory humour!

Righteous - I did what in the where now?

Bajoran #2 - Felor's Twelfth Prophecy states that "The Tool of the Prophets shall know not what he is, and shall enjoy pie."

Righteous - So? Everyone likes pie. That Prophecy could be referring to anyone...wait...Tool of the Prophets?

Bajoran #2 - I don't like pie.

Righteous - That just means you haven't found a type of pie you like yet. Tool of the Prophets? I've never heard that before.

Bajoran #1 - Felor was a drunken idiot who no one really took seriously. Until now, that is.

Bajoran #2 - Your task, given to you by the False Prophets and their off-world Emissary, was to go around the galaxy and enforce the rule of the false gods occupying the Celestial Temple.

Righteous - Wait...YOU ARE THE GUYS WHO WORSHIP THE PAH WRAITHS!!!

Bajoran #1 and #2 - DUH!!!

Bajoran #1 - We worship the true Prophets of Bajor, and soon, very soon, they will eradicate the pretenders in the Celestial Temple and take their rightful place as rulers of the Alpha Quadrant.

Righteous - Oh please...and pigs can fly.

Bajoran #2 - With a little genetic engineering, anything is possible.

Righteous - So you're going to genetically engineer the Pah Wraiths to be the new Prophets? Good luck with that.

Bajoran #1 - You really are an idiot aren't you?

Righteous - My crew says I am. As does my boss, and my boss's boss...and my boss's boss's boss. And the President. And the Emissary.

Bajoran #2 - We're not going to give the false Prophets the satisfaction of letting you complete your mission. We're going to sacrifice you to the Pah Wraiths.

Righteous - Ooooh goodie!

Bajoran #1 - We're going to kill you.

Righteous - Oh, not goodie.

Bajoran #3 (Comm) - Bajoran #3 to Bajoran #1.

Bajoran #1 - Go ahead, Bajoran #3.

Bajoran #3 - There's a Federation starship approaching this location. It's the Celestial.

Righteous - Ha! You guys are so screwed!

Bajoran #3 - He's right, we're screwed. They've seen us.

Bajoran #1 - Than we can wait no longer. Take us to the fire caves.

Scene 10 - Celestial's bridge. All remaining senior staff are present.

Bios - There it is.

The viewscreen shows a Bajoran transport fly away from the moon and straight for Bajor.

Senseless - Lock a tractor beam on them.

NoName #5 - Tractor beam engaged.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

NoName #5 - They've opened fire. High intensity chroniton beam.

Center - We're losing the tractor beam lock.

Senseless - Target their weapons and fire.

BOOM! Ship lurches, consoles explode, no-names die.

NoName #5 - Tractor beam offline!

Center - Hull breach on deck 17!

Baque - They're getting away!

Senseless - Pursuit course, target weapons and engines!

NoName #5 - I'm trying, but they're shields have been really upgraded.

Bios - Those are Dominion shields they're using.

Senseless - Why would the Dominion be supplying ship parts to Bajorans?

Baque - Oh, maybe it has something to do with the fact that the Cult of the Pah Wraiths has practically allied themselves with anyone who wants to destroy the Federation.

Center - Commander...

Senseless looks at the screen. The transport has turned around and is now heading straight for the Celestial.

Senseless - What the hell?

Bios - I'm not detecting any lifesigns onboard. Looks like they beamed away.

Senseless - So why did they send their ship away?

Baque - They're not going to have a ship if we don't move.

Senseless - Fly us out of the way.

The camera watches as the Celestial edges sideways. However, just as the Bajoran transport begins to pass it, it turns hard to starboard and slams into the Celestial. As their shields contact, the transport explodes, throwing the unsuspecting Federation ship nearly out of orbit. Camera goes to the Celestial's bridge, where everyone is being tossed around like rag dolls as the room explodes around them.

Senseless - What the hell!?!

Baque - Oh SHI–

BOOM! The helm console explodes, throwing Baque across the room. Puker goes over to him and then stops.

Puker - What did I tell you! WHAT DID I ALMOST _JUST _TELL YOU!?

Baque - I WAS TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM IT!

Blavik - Perhaps we should just treat him, doctor.

Puker - Oh no, YOU can treat him, I was very clear about this.

Baque - I hate you, doctor.

Puker - Glad to be of service. Now, does anyone have lacerations? I have a dermal regenerator in my hand and I'd hate to think I got it out for no reason.

Scene 11 - Onboard the S31 Impounder, Genocide is getting quite bored with his predicament.

Genocide - I see you people have nothing against torture.

Agent - Oh calm down, we're here.

Genocide sits up in his chair and looks at the viewscreen. The ship drops out of warp and a planet comes onscreen, surrounded by Dominion ships and stations.

Agent - Marvellous...right where we knew they'd be.

NoName #3 - All ships are in position.

Agent (hits a button) - This is the Impounder to all ships. Drop cloak.

Camera watches as a few hundred ships decloak. The Jem'Hadar ships spaze out and turn toward the invaders.

Agent - Deploy armour!

The armour emitters on every ship in the fleet light up and ablative armour from the future deploys along the hull.

Agent - Lock target on the planet.

NoName #6 - Target locked. Weapons standing by.

Genocide - Damn it you can't do this!

Agent - The longer we wait, the better chance the changelings will turn into a giant fist and smack us out of the sky.

Genocide - Don't do this, they don't pose a threat to us anymore!

Agent - You clearly don't know what you're talking about. Transphasic torpedoes, FIRE!!!

Camera watches as every ship opens fire with orange glowing torpedoes. They impact the planet and blow large chunks out of it.

Genocide let's a smirk cross his face, although no one notices.

NoName #3 - Sir...the lifesign readings on the planet aren't changing!

Genocide - Oh, gee, it looks like the Dominion also has a big book called "The Dominion's Big Book of Things That Worked So Well We Should Do Them Again, 2381 Edition".

Boom, ship rocks, no sparks.

NoName #3 - The Dominion defence force has open fired on us.

Agent (foaming at the mouth) - DESTROY THEM! ALL!

He turns to Genocide, and angry look on his face.

Agent - YOU KNEW, DIDN'T YOU!?

Genocide (smiling) - Well the Founders and I couldn't just let you wipe out a bunch of Changelings, now could we?

Agent - You faked the logs!?!

Genocide - I kill no-names at the drop of a hat, do you think faking the logs would be something I'm against?

Agent - Well, we still have the coordinates of the other Founder homeworld, you couldn't have faked that one.

Genocide - Yep, let's go.

Agent - ...They've evacuated the planet haven't they?

Genocide - You know, for someone who claims to know so much you really don't think, do you?

Agent - Do you know what you've done!?! We were never going to destroy the benign Dominion! We just wanted to erase this threat! The entire Alpha Quadrant is going to be destroyed because of you!

NoName #6 - Sir, the Dominion defence forces have warped away.

Agent - And the stations?

NoName #6 - ...They've disappeared. Probably holographic projections or sensor ghosts.

Agent - And that Dominion fleet chasing us?

NoName #3 - It looks like they've changed course. Only a few ships are at the edge of our sensor range.

Agent - Cloak the fleet and follow them, MAXIMUM WARP!

He turns toward Genocide again.

Agent - Take...HIM...back to his cell!

Genocide - Can we get some food first? I didn't eat breakfast today. Oooh do you guys have those little hash brown cakes with butter on them?

Scene 12 - The Bajoran Fire Caves...it's cold, dark, and contrived. Bajoran #1 and #2 come in dragging Righteous who is in a large bag.

Righteous - Sacrilege! Worshippers of Evil! Sinners! You're all going to burn on that ringworld the humans call hell! And sip martinis!

Bajoran #1 - Shut up!

Kick!

Righteous - Ow! You'll all pay for that! My ship is going to blow you people to pieces!

Bajoran #2 - Stop talking!

Kick!

Righteous - Ow! You people are stupid!

Bajoran #1 - You don't learn do you?

Righteous - Pah Wraiths are dumb! You're dumb for following them.

Kick!

Righteous - STOP THAT!! PROPHETS DAMN IT!

Bajoran #2 - The Prophets aren't gonna help you here. This is the domain of the Pah Wraiths.

Righteous - What? Where are we?

Bajoran #1 - We're here.

They pull the bag off of Righteous, who realizes they've stopped at the edge of a cliff overlooking a bottomless pit.

Bajoran #1 - Now...we wait.

Righteous - For what?

The two other Bajorans say nothing and continue to stare at the bottomless pit.

Righteous - Helllllloooooooooooo?

Scene 13 - Bridge of the Celestial. Senseless, Baque, Garell, Bios, Center, Blavik, and Puker are present. They are talking with some Bajoran Starfleet officer.

Senseless - Are you sure you haven't seen any ships matching that description land anywhere on the planet?

NoName #7 - What am I, a space traffic manager?

Senseless - Uh...yes.

NoName #7 - When the hell did that happen?

Senseless - According to your egotistical speech you made earlier on, 20 years ago.

NoName #7's eyes go wide and he grabs his head in his hands.

NoName #7 - PROPHETS HAVE MERCY! WHAT HAVE I DONE!

He runs screaming from the room. The screen goes to static, then Center shuts it off.

Garell - Well...any more bright ideas?

Baque - Why are all Bajorans so stupid?

Blavik - Their prefrontal cortex is similar in size and composition to most other humanoid species so I think your question is flawed–

Baque - That was a rhetorical question.

Puker - Didn't I install a transponder in him after the last time he disappeared?

Bios - Yes, I think you did. I'll scan for it.

Senseless - Anything?

Bios - Yep. He's somewhere on the far northern continent. Underground in some sort of cave network.

Center - Those are the Fire Caves. According to Bajoran legend the Pah Wraiths are imprisoned there.

Bios - I can't get a transporter lock. Too much verteron interference.

Senseless - So far this all makes some sense. Uh...crap, both of our security officers are gone aren't they? Fine, I'll lead the rescue mission myself. Lieutenant Blavik, you're with me. Garell, you have the bridge.

Senseless and Blavik leave the bridge, leaving an exasperated looking Lieutenant-Commander Garell staring at the turbolift with her mouth wide open.

Garell - The bridge!? It's bad enough in Engineering!

NoName #5 - Commander, as the ranking tactical officer present, I think it's only prudent that I be placed in charge of all security matters in Commander Senseless's absence. I'm sure if he were here he would agree with–

Garell pulls a knife out of somewhere and tosses it through NoName #5's neck.

Garell - I am in a really bad mood today. I have battle damage to look forward to for the next couple weeks.

Bios, Center, and Baque quickly turn back toward their stations as Puker inches his way toward the turbolift.

Scene 14 - The USS Solaris, which I should point out isn't much smaller than a Sovereign class (in length and width anyway) is warping along just out of sensor range of the Dominion fleet. Onboard...

Lieutenant Sa'lol - Captain...one of those warp signatures isn't Jem'Hadar. It's...Bajoran.

Ketrell - Bajoran? What? Are you sure?

Sa'lol - No, but until we get closer we can't rule it out either.

Ren - Oh perfect, another mystery to solve.

Frell - The fleet is speeding up.

Ketrell - Stay with them.

Frell - They've reached warp 9.

Tener - What's Solaris' top speed?

Ketrell - We're about to find out. Bridge to Engineering.

Lieutenant-Commander Dalarsh (comm) - Yeah?

Ketrell - We're gonna be testing the engines to the limit soon. Take us to warp 9.

Dalarsh - Warp 9? Are you kidding? This thing has never gone above warp 8 before! I have no idea what will happen!

Frell - Screw it, I'm taking us to warp 9 whether she likes it or not.

Dalarsh (still on comm) - Alright, but if something explodes down here and I die, I'm so haunting you people! Engineering out!

The ship starts to shake slightly.

Frell - That fleet has gone to 9.5, sir!

Ren - Why are they in such a rush?

Sa'lol - Guys? Major subspace disturbance following them! I think it's the cloaked fleet!

Ketrell - That could explain things. Take us to warp 9.6.

Camera jumps to engineering, where Dalarsh is close to ripping her antenna's out of her head in anxiety as the room shakes and consoles start to short out. Camera goes back to space and watches as Solaris nearly breaks apart from the strain.

Scene 15 - Fire caves. The two Cultists are chanting in Bajoran, while Righteous covers his ears, shuts his eyes, and makes noise.

Righteous - LA LA LA LA LA LA LALALLALALALLALALLALALALLALAL!!!!!!

Suddenly, Senseless and Blavik and some no-names burst in and make some noise. The two cultists stop what they're doing and pull out phasers and fire at the Starfleet officers, killing a no-name. Senseless runs over to Righteous as the others lay down covering fire and the Bajorans retreat into the caves some more, still firing.

Senseless - You alright, sir?

Righteous - LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!!!

Senseless smacks him. Righteous stops.

Righteous - Jack! Good to see you! Did you send those sinners to their deaths!

PZZZZT! A phaser blast hits right beside him and several more fly above his head.

Righteous - That would be a no.

Blavik - Sir! We have to go!

Senseless - Come on, sir, we don't have time to worry about cultists.

Righteous - Okey dokey.

Bajoran #1 - NO! He must not be allowed to leave this area! KILL HIM!

The two Bajorans start firing at Righteous. Several no-names get hit instead. In the end, only Senseless, Righteous, and Blavik make it to the beam out spot.

Senseless - Away team to Celestial, three to beam up.

Bzzzzzzzt!

Moments later, Senseless and Righteous walk onto the Celestial's bridge and take their seats.

Baque - Good to see you back in one piece, sir.

Righteous - Thank you Lieu–

Baque - I meant the commander.

Righteous - Fine! Be that way! Take us back to the fleet, helm boy!

Scene 16 - The Dominion fleet enters a star system and drops out of warp, only to be met by even more Dominion ships. A moment later, the Section 31 fleet, now decloaked because they were blindly obvious anyway, drops out of warp as well and starts blowing the crap out of Dominion ships, who can't even make a dent in their armour. On the S31 Impounder's bridge...

NoName #4 - Sir, that Bajoran transport is heading for the system's sun.

Agent - All ships, destroy that vessel at all costs!

Genocide - Gee, first you want to destroy changelings, then Jem'hadar, and now Bajoran transports...wait...why is a Bajoran transport moving with a Dominion fleet anyway?

Agent - You really don't want to know. Why is that ship still operational?

NoName #6 - The Jem'Hadar ships are blocking our movements. They're ramming some of our ships and disabling them!

Agent - NO! That's it, take us in. Tell the other Flourish Class ships to do the same. Maybe we'll have more luck.

Genocide - Would you care to tell me what's so important about that ship!?!

Agent - No time! Destroy it! NOW! Damn it good help is so hard to find these days.

Scene 17 - Solaris, bridge. It's shaking. So is the rest of the ship. Consoles are sparking around the room.

Frell - WARP 9.9, SIR!

Ren - We're all going to die if we don't stop this!

Ketrell - I have no intention of letting down Admiral Spot. Do you know what she'd do to us? We'd be demoted to working on a garbage scow!

Tevarin - Transporters standing by, sir.

Sa'lol - I've identified the flagship...and I'm detecting Lieutenant-Commander Genocide's DNA signature.

Tener - You can detect DNA from several billion kilometres away?

Ketrell - You're a warship, we're a science ship. There's plenty of things the Celestial can do that we can't.

Sa'lol - That Bajoran ship is heading straight for the star! What the hell are they doing?

Dalarsh (comm) - Engineering to bridge, what the HELL are you people thinking this is? Disney land!?

Adair - Yay Disney land! Should I charge weapons, sir?

Ketrell - No, we'll need all the power for the engines.

Sa'lol that ship has just impacted with the sun!

The camera goes to the star where a small explosion can be seen...then, randomly and suddenly, the star implodes with a large flash and is gone.

Camera jumps to the Fire caves on Bajor where the two bajorans finish reciting something and a huge red plume of energy flies out of the bottomless pit and up through the ceiling. It flies through space until it goes just past the fleet of ships on it's right side and disappears. Camera goes back to the Dominion system, where a huge reddish wormhole opens out of nowhere and spits out a huge plume of energy, which flies across the system until it reaches the Section 31 fleet, then it begins sweeping across the groups of ships, destroying or heavily damaging them as it hits them. The Impounder gets hit and the entire secondary hull is destroyed instantly. On it's bridge...

NoName #3 - ARMOUR OFFLINE!! SHIELDS ARE DOWN!

Agent - NOOOOOOOO!!!!

Genocide - Gah!

The bridge explodes around them, killing NoName #3, 4, and 6. Just as the ceiling collapses, Genocide is beamed away in a Federation transporter beam. The camera watches as Solaris flies quickly past the exploding Flourish class ship and zooms away from the destruction. On Solaris' bridge.

Ketrell - What the hell!?!

Sa'lol - A wormhole has opened where that sun used to be!

Frell - The Dominion ships, well, those that survived Section 31, they've entered the wormhole.

Tener - One guess as to where that wormhole leads to.

Ketrell - One guess as to what worm-hole aliens live in it.

Sa'lol - The verteron flux is very familiar...

Ketrell - We can't waste the time needed to reach the Prophet's wormhole. Flood the ship with chroniton radiation, then proceed into that wormhole...hopefully that'll keep them from stopping us.

Genocide walks onto the bridge.

Genocide - What happened? Did someone set up us the bomb?

Tener - You could say that sir.

Genocide - I think I have a concussion. My head hurts...really badly.

Scene 18 - On the USS Litterbox, which is facing the Celestial Temple like every other ship in the fleet, Fleet Admiral Spot is sitting tense in her chair.

NoName Cat #1 - Here comes a big one! Massive verteron buildup!

The wormhole, which has been open for Prophets knows how long, spits out a massive plume of energy, detonating the entire minefield.

Spot - Ok everyone, if that isn't an indication of the Dominion about to attack, I don't know what is. All ships, shields up, and power to weapons.

NoName #1 - Ma'am! Something's cutting our right flank to pieces! A Romulan Warbird has been destroyed! Another one! IT'S THE DOMINION!

Spot - WHAT! ON SCREEN!

The viewscreen shows a reddish wormhole, as wide open as the blue Celestial Temple, spitting out Dominion ships, which are shooting up the Romulan and Cardassian warships lining the right side of the fleet.

Spot - All ships, alter formation! They're cutting right into us!

Spot lets a frightened look cross her face as the Litterbox goes to red alert and everyone scrambles around.

Spot - Another wormhole!?!? What the crap!?! MEOW, DAMN IT!

_To Be Continued..._


	20. Celestial 40

Star Trek: Celestial #40: Tool of the Prophets, Part II

By Swordtail

Started July 10, 2007

Finished July 13, 2007

Computer - Last time on Star Trek: Celestial...

Someone punches the computer and it makes weird sounds and the tape fast forwards until...

Computer - And now the conclusion...

Scene 1 - Space. The fleet is falling apart because they were totally unprepared for an invasion to come from the side.

Fleet Admiral Spot - Chief of Defence Staff's log, stardate 436151.3. We're fucked.

Camera goes to the bridge of the USS Litterbox, the Federation's flagship, where everyone is freaking out.

NoName #1 (I'm continuing the no-name line from last episode btw) - Another wormhole opened! Dominion ships are pouring out of it!

Captain Spot Jr. - Break formation! Take us to them!

Spot - Alert all other ships: Break formation, we'll have to do this the hard way.

NoName Cat #1 - All ships breaking formation.

NoName #1 - We've lost most of our right flank.

NoName Cat #2 - Ma'am, something else is coming out of the wormhole!

Spot Jr. - Which one?

NoName Cat #2 - ...Both of them.

The camera watches as the Celestial Temple and the Not So Celestial Temple (Pah Wraith's wormhole) fire a massive beam of energy at each other. The beams meet in the middle and proceed to blow one another apart in a ball of more energy. Several unlucky ships get caught in the beams and are destroyed.

Spot - What the hell?

NoName Cat #2 - High intensity chroniton beam.

Spot Jr. - If that were to hit the wormhole...

Spot - It would kill the wormhole aliens living inside! It looks like we're not the only ones having a war here.

A Dominion dreadnought comes onscreen, surrounded by destroyers.

Spot - Alright, activate multi-targeting mode.

Four consoles pop up from behind the main tactical railing behind the command chairs and four no-names go to stand behind each of them. The camera pans by each of them.

NoName #7 - Platform 1, check.

NoName #8 - Platform 2, online.

NoName #9 - Platform 3, peachy.

NoName #10 - Platform 4, READY TO TAKE SOME NAMES AND KICK SOME ASS!

Spot - (sigh) I might as well fill out the certificates of death right now...

Opening credits.

Oh, by the way, the battle is gonna be so intense and stuff that I can't fully explain it with words. So, to eliminate that problem, I made a short movie :P Enjoy! (Note to FanFiction readers: Search YouTube for "STA2 Random Battle Scene.")

Scene 2 - The USS Solaris flies out of the Pah Wraith wormhole and joins the fight, firing with it's phasers and photon launchers as it passes a disabled Sovereign Class ship. Onboard...

Ketrell - We're alive?

Tener - We're alive!

Genocide - Now would someone tell me what's going on?

Ketrell - OK, the Pah Wraiths somehow got the Dominion to open a wormhole for them. Here's why we think so: We know the Celestial Temple is artificial. Many historians believe that the Prophets and the Pah Wraiths evolved on Bajor and developed a high level of technology, which included technology that allowed them to create wormholes. Now, they probably wanted to evolve further and figured living inside a wormhole was the best place, and you know the rest. Maybe, just maybe, the Pah Wraiths left behind a device that makes wormholes from stars, and the cultists got their hands on it. They probably allied themselves with the Dominion and some stuff happened, some things got said, and all hell broke loose.

Frell - Why are the two wormholes firing on each other?

They all look at the screen, which shows the wormholes fighting to eliminate each other's residents. So far, neither seems to be gaining any advantage and the contact point between the two beams is still halfway between them.

Tevarin - I've found the Celestial. Sending it's coordinates to the helm

Ren - Lay in a course...no offence but you guys are bad luck. I'll be glad to have you off the ship.

So, several minutes later, Genocide and Tener walk onto the Celestial's bridge, which is shaking as the ship gets fired upon repeatedly.

Senseless - Glad to see you guys back in one piece.

Genocide - No you're not. Now, what's the SITREP?

Righteous - Admiral Nelix gave us two ships to boss around!

Senseless - Yeah, the USS Challenger and the USS Columbia, both Miranda Class.

Genocide - This does not bode well...

Senseless ignores him and turns back to the viewscreen as Genocide takes the tactical station away from an incompetent no-name.

Senseless - See that battleship?

Baque - Yep.

Senseless - Ensign, tell the Challenger and the Columbia to attack it's aft, we'll go in head on.

Center - Aye sir, both ships report ready.

Senseless - OK...steady...break, NOW!

Camera watches as the impulse engines on both Miranda Class ships light up and the two ships start to move toward the large Dominion battleship. However, a few seconds later, the USS Challenger randomly explodes in a large ball of fire, and a piece of it's hull slams into the USS Columbia, blowing a hole in it and causing it to spin out of control, breaking apart as it does so. Camera goes to the Celestial's bridge where Commander Senseless is shaking his head in disgust.

Senseless - Son...of...a...bitch. Tactical, just destroy that ship as soon as possible.

Genocide - Way ahead of you, sir.

Bios - Um...shouldn't someone be helping the USS Litterbox?

Righteous - Nah, I'm sure they can take care of themselves.

Scene 3 - Sure enough, the USS Litterbox is getting the crap kicked out of it. On the bridge, one by one, the tactical consoles explode, killing NoName's 7, 8, 9 and 10. Spot just shakes her head in disgust.

Spot - Just fire all weapons at the closest ship.

NoName #1 - Ma'am! Shields are failing! The main power couplings are beginning to short out!

Spot Jr. - Then we're screwed.

He says as two massive Dominion ships begin to bombard the Litterbox. Suddenly, a tiny and insignificant Intrepid Class ship begins firing all it's weapons at once and the Dominion dreadnoughts turn their attention to them. On the Litterbox's bridge, everyone is relieved.

Spot - Well...didn't see THAT coming! Get that power coupling back online! What ship is that?

Spot Jr. - That's the USS Weed Plant. They must have shoved super-weed into their warp core again.

Finally, after what was surly a humiliating battle for the Jem'Hadar, the Weed Plant is destroyed, and the Dominion turns its attention back to the Litterbox.

Spot - God damn it where is the rest of the fleet?!?

NoName #1 - They're all busy sir.

Spot - Open a general hail to all Federation, Klingon, Cardassian, and Romulan ships out there: Three bars of latinum to whichever ship gets these Dominion pieces of junk off our backs.

On cue, a few dozen ships of Federation, Romulan, and Cardassian origin fly in and begin helping the Litterbox destroy more Dominion pieces of crap.

Spot Jr. - Mom, you don't pay your soldiers to do their duty!

Spot - You do when they're idiots!

Scene 4 - The Celestial is still flying around shooting at things and being shot at (you know, standard space battle stuff). Onboard...

Center - Captain, Admiral Spot wants us to form up with the Ninth fleet to engage a group of Dominion ships that are trying to get to Bajor by going around one of the system's gas giants.

Righteous - Sounds good to me. Who's still kicking around the Ninth Fleet?

Bios - Admiral Nelix's flagship was destroyed, but he got off in time and is pissing off Picard right now on the Enterprise. There's no sign of the Avenger, but Solaris, the Litterbox, the Halfass, and the Saratoga and Citadel are already in formation.

Baque - I'm taking us in...here come some Dominion destroyers.

Genocide - They've all opened fire on the Litterbox. She can't take much more of a beating.

Righteous - Where is the USS Borg Buster?

Baque - Gee...I wonder...they've either totally forgotten about the battle and have left for Risa or something like that, or maybe...THEY'RE BUSY KICKING SOME GENETICALLY ENGINEERED ASS SOMEWHERE ELSE!?! Think! For ONCE!

Camera jumps to the Borg Buster, which is moving through empty space at warp speed. On the bridge...

Captain Shields - I can't help but wonder if we're forgetting something.

Lucky suddenly snaps to attention.

Lucky - Damn! I left my easy bake oven on in my quarters!

The bridge crew looks at Lucky.

Lucky - Uh...I mean, I forgot to feed my rottweiler...which eats people...I gotta go.

Lucky runs to the turbo lift. Camera goes back to the Celestial.

Genocide - The Litterbox's shields are failing.

Righteous - Let's take some of the heat off of them. Open a channel to the Dominion ships.

Center - Channel open, sir.

Righteous - How many changelings does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. All he has to do is morph into one and screw himself!

BOOM! Ship rocks, stuff explodes, no-names go flying through the air, cats eat brains on Tuesdays, the whole nine yards.

Baque - WELL I THINK YOU GOT THEIR ATTENTION!

Camera goes to space and watches as about a dozen Dominion ships all open fire on the Celestial at once. Camera goes to the Saratoga's bridge.

Farfetched (watching the Celestial get destroyed) - (sigh) I suppose we should help them...

The Galaxy Class Saratoga turns and attacks the ships attacking the Celestial. The Halfass flies in to help, but promptly breaks down and pulls back to make repairs...again. On the Celestial's bridge, everyone pulls themselves back into their seats.

Garell (comm) - Garell to bridge...OMG!?! WTF!?!? STFU!?! I mean, JESUS CHRIST!?! WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED TO THE SHIP!?!

Senseless - You can thank Captain Righteous' excellent diplomatic skills for that one.

Garell - We lost three decks!!!!

Righteous - All I did was insult their gods, gee. By the way they responded you would think I denounced their religion or something...

Garell (comm) - I am sick and tired of fixing crap that breaks around here! Can we PLEASE make it out of this battle in one PIECE!?!

Genocide - Hopefully. Captain, the Enterprise and the Saratoga are taking some the fire off of us.

Righteous - Good, get the shields back up, and someone find those three decks before they're lost forever.

Admiral Spot appears onscreen.

Spot - Way to go, moron!

Righteous - I try, ma'am. You're welcome, by the way.

Spot - We can take care of things here. Go help the Third Fleet with those god damned troop transport ships that are trying to take over Bajor.

Righteous - WHAT?!! LET ME AT 'EM!

Spot - I figured you'd say that. I'm sending Solaris with you. You'll find them trying to locate the Avenger.

Righteous - Which is...where?

Spot (bridge shaking around her) - Look, we were caught by surprise, it's not like we were able to log in every ship that decided to go off and do their own little thing. Litterbox out.

Spot hits her comm-off button and something on the Celestial's bridge breaks and shoots sparks into the chest of an unsuspecting no-name.

Righteous - Helm, set a course for...BAJOR! BWA HA HA HA HA HA! DEATH TO THE DOMINION!

Baque (raising an eyebrow) - Suuuurrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Scene 5 - Near Bajor, the battle isn't going well for the Third Fleet, which is now mostly disabled or destroyed. The Celestial and Solaris fly in and start blowing up Dominion ships, which decide to stop picking on some Sovereign's and go after the newcomers. On the Celestial's bridge...

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - Shields at 47, damage to the secondary phaser coils.

Senseless - Do you see that tight grouping of Dominion destroyers?

Genocide - Yes?

Senseless - Tricobalt torpedo, right in the middle of them.

Genocide (smiling) - Righto, sir.

The Celestial fires one of it's powerful tricobalt devices into the centre of the Dominion ships, where it detonates and destroys all five at once.

Center - Good shot, sir.

Genocide - Stop sucking up and do your job.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - Shit! Weapons are offline!

Righteous - Ok, now we die. Ram the biggest Dominion ship you can find.

Bios - Wait!

Baque - Gladly.

Bios - Multiple warp signatures...coming from...Federation space!

Senseless - Onscreen.

Beep! A heavily modified Sovereign Class starship, surrounded by dozens if not hundreds of Gorn and Breen vessels, moves toward the fleet. Written on its dark hull is "OSS Hairball."

Righteous - Isn't that the fluffy kitty's ship?

Center - Chester is hailing us.

Senseless - Probably came to gloat...ram his ship instead.

Chester appears onscreen.

Chester - Oh, you guys are still running that glorified scrap heap, I see.

Genocide - Sir, a Dominion ship is heading right for us...if it rams...

Senseless - I know, I know, it'll ruin our heroic death...(turning back to the viewscreen) Whatever you're planning, you won't get away with it!

Chester - Oh? No offence, but you don't exactly have a choice in the matter. Weapons officer, FIRE!

Everyone on the Celestial's bridge braces, but the impact never comes.

Bios - Sir...the OSS Hairball just destroyed that Dominion destroyer that was heading for us.

Everyone turns to the viewscreen with their mouths wide open.

Chester - If I can't have the Alpha Quadrant, the Dominion sure as hell won't! Chester to all Orion Syndicate ships, break formation and engage the Jem'Hadar. Looks like you guys owe me one.

Genocide - Why the sudden change of heart? Tired of doing Section 31's dirty work?

Chester - Yes, I know all about that. And yes, I am tired of being used. Hairball out.

The screen goes back to showing the Jem'Hadar ships getting destroyed.

Senseless - Well I'll be damned.

Righteous - I didn't see THAT coming!

WHAM!!! A piece of debris hits the Celestial.

Righteous - Or that.

Admiral Spot appears on the viewscreen, her bridge on fire behind her.

Spot - Why does everyone always go for the biggest ship in the fleet?!?!

Righteous - Or that.

Spot - I don't want to know, it's probably stupid. Now, we need to know how this new wormhole opened. More Dominion ships could come through and if that thing manages to kill the "Prophets" then we could have a two-way invasion on our hands...why is Chester helping us?

Senseless - I honestly don't know, but don't turn your back on him, ma'am.

Spot - I don't intend to...where's Admiral Nelix?

Camera goes to the Enterprise's bridge, where Admiral Nelix is sitting in Picard's chair. Worf, B4, Laforge, Riker, Troi, Crusher, and Barclay are present as well as their annoyed captain.

Picard - Admiral, could I please have my seat back?

Nelix - HISS! Stop whining and get me a bowl of milk!

Picard turns to Barclay.

Picard - Lieutenant, this is your cat, YOU get him out of my chair.

Barclay - Y...ye...yes si...sir.

He goes over to stand in front of Admiral Nelix.

Barclay - Uh...Admiral...give Captain Picard his chair back...and I'll give you some ice cream.

Nelix rolls his eyes.

Nelix - Reg?

Barclay - Ye..yes sir?

Nelix - Borg.

Barclay - Bo...BORG!?!?!? AHHHHHHHH!!!

He runs into a wall and knocks himself unconscious. The rest of the bridge crew simply go back to work. The camera simply goes back to the bridge of the Celestial.

Righteous - I'm sure he'll turn up sooner or later.

Spot - Hopefully he's dead and I can promote someone who won't send ships off on random missions to recover Dominion destroyers, or to get ship schematics from dead people, or to cross energy barriers just for the hell of it.

Righteous - Ma'am, can I go ask the Prophets what it means to be their "tool?"

Spot - Commander Senseless, what the heck is he going on about this time.

Senseless - Loosely translated, he's finally figured out that some of the crap that's been happening to us isn't all random and coincidental.

Spot - Well even so, the answer is still no. We need every ship we have. Are your weapons back online yet?

Genocide - Yep...oh crap I think I just destroyed a Klingon bird of prey.

Spot - WHAT!?!

Genocide - Uh...I said I think I just destroyed a Dominion planetary assault ship?

Spot - Ok, forget it. Go figure out why the wormhole is raining on our parade and try to close that other one before more Dominion ships get here...why aren't the other Founders helping us? God this whole fricking thing is so pointless and contrived. Why do I get the feeling that the powers that be just want the series to leave this season with a bang and couldn't care less about plot? Litterbox out!

Everyone braces themselves, but Spot lightly taps her comm-off switch and nothing bad happens.

Center - That's went well.

BOOM! Ship lurches, consoles explode, no-names light on fire and sing opera in a high pitched voice.

Genocide - Um...might I suggest trying to avoid any further Klingon ships?

Scene 6 - The battered and bruised USS Celestial approaches the wormhole. It and its evil counterpart are still fighting to annihilate each other.

Righteous - Can you piolet us around that big beam thing?

Baque - Do bears shit in the woods?

Center - Bears are extinct on Earth, as are most forests.

Baque - You just have to ruin everything...are you sure you're not a vulcan?

Suddenly Lieutenant Blavik bursts onto the bridge with Doctor Puker.

Blavik - Sir, that was a very racist remark. Not all vulcans are as annoying and disliked as Ensign Center.

Everyone on the bridge bursts out laughing, except Center who mutters to himself and goes back to blindly pushing buttons.

Senseles - Ha ha ha...good one Lieutenant, I didn't know you had a sense of humour.

Blavik - Humour? I was just stating the facts, sir.

Baque - We're in. Now what?

Righteous - Take us to the middle of the wormhole and come to a stop...then we wait.

And wait they do...a long wait...

Scene 7 - Five minutes later, the Celestial is still waiting for the Prophets to do something. Righteous is getting quite irked.

Senseless - We can't stay in here forever. Is there anyway to get their attention?

Bios - We could try leaking some selenium out of our cargo bay...that might work.

Righteous - Or...no, no, it's too stupid.

Senseless - I don't doubt it.

Righteous - No, you're supposed to say "we won't laugh at you, sir, go ahead and tell us your idea" and then I tell you and you like it.

Senseless - (sigh) Just tell us your idea, captain.

Righteous - We could go get one of those orbs and communicate with the Prophets that way.

Baque - Dumbest idea I've ever heard.

Bios - Maybe they will only communicate with small ships. We should drop the Captain in the Captain's Yacht and then go back to the battle before something else happens and we miss it.

Senseless - Alright but we should send someone with him to make sure he comes back in one piece...um...

Tener walks in from the turbolift, sees Commander Senseless in his "who should I volun-tell to go on a mission" stance, and quickly turns around, but not quite quick enough.

Senseless - Lieutenant James Tener, Chief of Security! Go with the captain to wait for the wormhole aliens to grant him an audience.

Tener - WHY ME!?! WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?! ALL I HAD WAS A SPLINTER, AND NOW I'M BEING MADE TO BABYSIT EVERY MORON THAT WE COME INTO CONTACT WITH! SON OF A BITCH!

Tener grabs Righteous by the arm and yanks him into the turbolift.

Tener - Captain's Yacht, god damn it!

The doors close. Camera goes to the bottom of the Command Section of the Celestial and watches as the Captain's Yacht (which in case your wondering is exactly the same design as the Sovereign Class yacht) detaches and flies away from the now turning ship. The Celestial flies out of the wormhole. On the yacht...

Tener - I don't want to be here.

Righteous - Calm down, you once told me you actually were saved by the Prophets.

Tener - Yeah, apparently I got sucked into their garbage disposal unit and they sent me back so Captain Sisko wouldn't have to deal with us all. Not a pleasant experience, getting minced into a trillion pieces by a stolen Borg cutting beam.

FLASH! The two officers find themselves standing in a large white glowing space. The sound of a heart beating can be heard. Suddenly, it stops. Faintly, someone can be heard yelling "CLEAR!" and then it beats loudly, flutters a bit, and resumes it's normal beating rhythm.

Righteous - Hello?!?

A young Bajoran woman wearing glasses and holding a stack of papers walks up to them.

Secretary - Hello. Please take a seat, the Prophets will be with you as soon as possible.

Two chairs appear out of nowhere. Tener takes a seat. A moment later, Sisko comes out of nowhere.

Sisko - Thanks, Lara.

Secretary - No problem, Mr. Sisko.

The Secretary of the Prophets vanishes and Sisko turns to the other two officers.

Sisko - Well, I suppose you all have a lot of questions.

Righteous - What's the Tool of the Prophets?

FLASH!!! They now are aboard the Celestial, except all the consoles are showing the wormhole and it's glowing. The entire senior staff are present.

Senseless Prophet - He is corporeal.

Puker Prophet - He is the Righteous.

Genocide Prophet - He is a moron.

Righteous - Hey! Don't call me that...please.

Tener - You didn't answer his question.

Garell Prophet - He is the one who can be many places.

Baque Prophet - His task is complete. The Game is now in play.

Tener - The game? Are you talking about the other wormhole?

Senseless Prophet - The Game is always in play, but the outcome is no longer known.

Tener - Are you trying to tell me that you don't know if you can beat the other wormhole?

Genocide Prophet - The evil ones are strong. The balance is in jeopardy.

Righteous - How do I fit into all of this?

Sisko - You were chosen to tip the game in our favour.

Righteous - You had me help you cheat!?!

Sisko - No, we just got you to convince most of the fans to cheer for the home team.

Tener - And if they don't win, it'll be a bloody shame, but how does this affect all of us?

Puker Prophet - The Game is always being played. The balance must always be in check.

Tener - Ah. I knew it. The constant struggle between good and evil. Many cultures personify it in different ways. The Klingons view it as the struggle between honour and dishonour. Many human religions see it as the difference between Heaven and Hell, God and the devil. Even nature seems to play this "game" you're talking about. Darkness and light, heat and cold, matter and antimatter. All must be in balance for the universe to function, but there must be a surplus of one for life to exist.

The Prophets look at each other.

Garell Prophet - He is the Tener.

Senseless - His task is not yet complete.

Genocide Prophet - He could be useful to the Game.

Tener - Oh no! You're not dragging me into this! I don't even LIKE baseball!

Righteous - How do I fit into this again?

Sisko - Short term memory loss...apparently. I don't envy you're crew.

Righteous - Look, I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not and that, sir, is an idiot: Explain to me how this works?

FLASH! They find themselves in the Prequel Story, watching an orb of the Prophets fall from the wormhole and hit Righteous on the head. FLASH! The Prophets are warning Righteous about the Breen trying to re-open the wormhole. FLASH! The Halfass is thrown back in time. FLASH! The crew are given another USS Celestial for saving the time-line. FLASH! The OSS Scratchingpost vapourizes the Celestial's warp core and Tener with a Borg Cutting beam near a black hole. FLASH! Admiral Nelix is being visited by three non-corporeal beings and being shown the error of his ways, forcing him to stop working for the Orion Syndicate. FLASH! Evil parasites invade fluidic space and start a war between Species 8472 and the Federation. FLA–

Tener - Woah, woah, woah! Hang on: You guys did that!?! Do you know how many people died?!?

Sisko - Those people weren't worshipping us! Besides, we needed to get you guys back on the Celestial.

Tener - You could have just asked Admiral Spot nicely!

FLASH! The Celestial is able to open a wormhole and accidentally cuts a moon in two–

Sisko - We just thought that was funny, we really had nothing to do with it.

FLASH! Righteous is treated like the Emissary by a group of medieval aliens, and is able to activate a powerful weapon to save them from an invading force. FLASH! Doctor Ketrell Eden makes antimatter inversion devices and Section 31 goes and gives them to Chester.

Senseless Prophet - We found that amusing too.

FLASH! The Celestial is thrown into the future, warning them about the impending Dominion invasion. FLASH! The Cult of the Pah Wraiths manages to open another wormhole with the Dominion's help, giving the Pah Wraiths a place to mount an attack on the Prophets. FLASH! The slide show stops.

Tener - Woah...that was a weird re-cap.

Sisko - So...understand yet.

Righteous - No, not really.

Tener - Sir, the Prophets have been interfering with your life since you were a Commander, freshly kicked out of Starfleet. It's all been leading up to this moment. You're their tool, and they've been using you to help them defeat the Pah Wraiths, in tiny, almost insignificant ways.

Sisko - Like the Dominion, the Prophets have a similar book of plans that worked really well.

Righteous - So what do I do now?

Sisko - You'll know what to do when the time is right.

Tener - No he wo–

FLASH! They're back on the Captain's Yacht.

Righteous - That was confusing, yet enlightening. Take us back to the ship.

Tener - Gladly.

The Captain's Yacht dodges the massive chroniton beam and flies out of the wormhole, only to find most of the Federation, Romulan, Klingon, Cardassian, and Orion Syndicate fleet destroyed.

Tener - Not good. How long were we in there?

Righteous - A few minutes. Where's my ship?

Tener - Near Bajor. I can't believe this...both sides are being destroyed, all because of the Pah Wraiths.

Righteous - I've been TRYING to tell you people for the past three years that they're pure evil but you wouldn't listen to me...

Tener - We have to stop this war. We have to wipe out the Pah Wraiths living in that wormhole.

Righteous - Too bad they all didn't go there, when we could rid the universe of evil once and for all!

Tener - Problem is, that wormhole is as stable as the Celestial Temple. Nothing we have will destroy it.

Righteous - Wrong. See that thing coming out of the Celestial Temple?

Tener - I don't see how they can possibly win, unless...

Righteous - Unless someone flies along that beam, pushing the Pah Wraith beam back into their own wormhole. That would result in their deaths and the wormhole's collapse.

Tener - How do you know that?

Righteous - Remember what the Emissary said?

Tener - Vaguely...but you're an idiot!

Righteous - I know that, I mean, who would be stupid enough to volunteer to be that person piloting the suicide mission.

Tener - Sir, Starfleet regulations prevent me from–

BZZZZZZT!! Righteous hits a button and beams Tener away. He materializes onboard a random ship.

NoName #11 (transporter operator) - Sorry, we don't have any vacancies for a Security Chief.

Bzzzzzt!! Tener is beamed to another ship. The process repeats until he materializes onboard the Celestial, half a solar system away.

NoName #12 - Ah, you're in luck! We recently lost our security chief!

BOOM! Ship rocks, transporter console explodes, killing NoName #12.

Tener - Well it was bound to happen.

Scene 8 - The Captain's Yacht flies toward the contact point between the two chroniton beams.

Righteous - Now...Lieutenant Bios explained this to me once...to activate the multiphasic shields, I have to do...something...

Camera goes to the Celestial's bridge, where Tener walks on.

Senseless - Where's the captain!?!

Tener - He's not coming back. He's going to stop this war.

Genocide - We're screwed.

Tener - Actually I think for once in his demented life he knows what he's doing. It'll all be in my report later. What's going on here?

Baque - We're trying to prevent a Dominion Planetary Assault ship from firing on Bajor.

Camera watches as the Celestial positions itself between the massive ship and Bajor.

Genocide - Why do I get the feeling this is a REALLY bad idea?

Senseless - Ok, here's what I think we should do...

Just as the massive Jem'Hadar ship revs up to fire, the Celestial fires all it's dorsal phaser strips at once, detonating the ship's powerful torpedo inside the launcher, blowing the front of the ship apart and showering the system with debris. On the bridge, everyone is celebrating the destruction of the biggest ship in the Dominion fleet.

Senseless - Way to go people, now, let's go help the Captain before he does something we'll all regret.

In space, the back half of the Dominion ship explodes violently, creating a shockwave which hits the Celestial and knocks it out of orbit. On the bridge, which is exploding, killing practically every no-name in the room...

Baque - ENGINES ARE OFFLINE!

Genocide - SHIELDS, WEAPONS, EVERYTHING!

Lieutenant-Commander Garell stumbles onto the bridge, which is still shaking.

Garell - What just happened!?!

Senseless - A Jem'Hadar ship exploded and we were caught in the shockwave.

Baque - Guys, we're losing altitude! We've entered the atmosphere!

Senseless - Get those engines back online!

Garell (checking readouts) - Everything is fried! It'll take me hours to get even the manoeuvring jets working!

Senseless - Then this outta hurt...brace for impact!

Puker and Blavik stumble onto the bridge.

Puker - What in tarnation!?!

Senseless - Get back to sickbay, Doctor, we're going to have causalities...

Center - Commander, we're descending faster than we've ever fallen before...if we hit the surface at this speed...

Baque - There won't be anyone left alive to treat in sickbay!

Garell - He's right, inertial dampeners and structural integrity fields are pretty much shot.

Senseless - Then...who's around that can help us?

Center - No working ships are within range.

Senseless - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

Scene 9 - Camera watches as the Captain's Yacht enters the beam intersection point, and gets buffeted around. Onboard...

Righteous - Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!!! HEY! I'm still alive! ALRIGHT!

Boom! Ship rocks, sparks!

Righteous - Alright, Pah Wraiths...no...more...mister...dumb...guy...

The yacht starts to move toward the Pah Wraith's wormhole, within the beam. While the energy is still hitting it in the front, behind the ship is clear for energy from the Celestial Temple to follow the ship as it moves toward the other wormhole. Suddenly, several Jem'Hadar ships fly through the Pah Wraith beam and start firing on the yacht.

Righteous - Prophets DAMN it!

Out in space, just as the Dominion bug ships close to point blank range, the USS Solaris and the top third of the USS Avenger (remember it's Prometheus Class) fly in and destroy the Dominion ships from outside the beams.

Righteous - What the?

Ketrell (comm) - Go for it, Captain, we'll cover your back. We'll beam you out at the last second.

Righteous - No can do. For this to work I have to keep my multiphasic shields up the whole time, or at least that's what the computer is telling me to do...just between you and me, I think it likes me.. I'll see you guys...later. Righteous out.

Ketrell (comm) - But–

Beep!

Righteous looks seriously out the front window.

Righteous - I should think of something important to say right now...well I guess I have a few minutes...Let's see...one small step for a Bajoran, one giant leap for the Alpha Quadrant...no that was taken...time's up? No, can't use that...bugger.

Scene 10 - The Celestial is practically nosediving through Bajor's atmosphere. On the bridge, which is still smoking...

Senseless - Can we abandon ship at this speed?

Center - I wouldn't recommend it. The escape pods would probably be thrown back against the hull and destroyed by the wind.

Baque - Alright, I have an idea, but you'll all have to listen very carefully and do what I say.

Senseless - You're asking US to trust YOU?

Genocide - What a novel idea...trust the guy who's job it is to fly the ship!

Senseless - Alright fine, what do we need to do.

Baque - Evacuate everyone to the Command Section and prepare to separate the ship.

Garell - We don't have thrusters! I can release the mag locks but nothing will push us apart!

Baque - I don't need thrusters for this. All I need is something that will adjust our pitch and roll. Is there anything? External ports we could vent atmosphere through, moving metal surfaces?

Garell (hitting buttons) - Wait...the hydraulics in the nacelles...the things we use to alter the geometry of the warp field? If those are still working...Yes! They're working! I'm patching control to the helm

The ship swings sideways and everyone is nearly thrown out of their seats.

Center - Stardrive evacuation almost complete. Um...where are you aiming us for?

On the screen, a beach can be seen beneath the ship, then the Celestial pulls out over the ocean.

Garell - Lieutenant at this speed water will be like concrete! We've be better off coming down on a forest!

Baque - Forest's aren't smooth...

Garell - What the hell are you trying to do!?

Bague - Ever skipped a rock across a pond?

Everyone on the bridge let's their eyes go wide as they realize what Baque is about to do to their ship.

Garell - Oh, no no no no no one wrong move and you'll rip use to pieces!

Baque - What's the alternative?

Senseless - Ok, do what you have to.

Center - fifty kilometres...45...40...35...

Baque - Get ready to release the maglocks.

Center - Stardrive evacuated.

Senseless - All hands, brace for impact!

Garell - Maglock release standing by.

Baque - Alright...please no big waves...

The camera watches as the massive nearly 800 metre long starship pitches up slightly and approaches the water really fast...

Center - ...25...20...15...10...9...8...7..6...5..4..3...

Baque - MAGLOCKS, NOW!

Garell hits a button, and a loud THUMP can be heard from the bowels of the ship, but nothing else happens.

Baque - HANG ON!

The Celestial hits the water in slow motion. As it's Stardrive Section grazes the surface, the two sections separate. The Stardrive, slowed to zero nearly instantly when water hit the deflector dish, flips end over end and finally stops upside down in the water, after moving in ways that would surely kill anyone onboard. The nacelle pylons break off and the nacelles go flying in random directions. As Bajoran beach-goers watch frightened from the shore, the Command Section continues air-born for a few more seconds, then it too hits the water, but bounces back up, comes down a again, bounces, again, again, each time losing some speed...finally, after a good twenty seconds of skimming across the water, the huge chunk of metal comes to a gentle stop and sinks into the water up to about deck 6. On the bridge, everyone who was thrown out of their seats and stuff, gets up. Senseless looks up through the broken glass skylight as a sea-gull like bird perches on the edge and poops on the carpet.

Senseless - Wait a minute...since when do we have a skylight on the bridge!?!

Scene 11 - Righteous' little ship is practically done for, but he's still piloting it toward the Pah Wraith's wormhole, leading a chroniton beam from the Prophets behind him.

Righteous - ...Fortune favours the bold...no! Damn it! Hey, where did the other ships go?

Sure enough, the top third of the Avenger and the still intact Solaris veer off and fly away from the wormhole. On Solaris' bridge...

Ketrell - Prophets' speed, Lee...Helm, take us back to Bajor. We should help the Celestial.

Ren - What about Righteous? What's going to happen to him?

Ketrell - Let's not question the one smart and courageous thing he's done in his entire life...

The camera watches as Righteous' Captain's Yacht enters the wormhole.

Righteous - Hasparat...and pumpkin pie! ONWARD!

The chroniton beam behind him also enters the wormhole, which then promptly collapses and flashes out of existence. The Celestial Temple ceases to fire on it's location and begins blowing Dominion ships out of the sky. On the OSS Hairball, Chester sees this and makes a sound decision.

Chester - Well, time to go. All Orion Syndicate ships, RUN AWAY!

But it's too late for some of the Breen and Gorn ships, which get caught in the beam and are vapourized. Chester, however, manages to warp away.

Scene 12 - Camera is on Bajor, where a bunch of ships are using tractor beams to pick up pieces of the USS Celestial.

Senseless (voiceover) - First Officer's log, stardate 436153.0...wow, our first whole number stardate...While our causalities were light, unfortunately, the Celestial herself is completely salvageable and should be up and flying again in a month or two. I thought about holding a memorial service for Captain Righteous Lee, but I'm not sure anyone would come. Also, I'm not sure he's even dead. Lieutenant Bios tells me that even though this end of the wormhole was destroyed, the other end might have remained open long enough for the captain to get out in time. However, due to the instability, there's no way to know where in the galaxy that end of the wormhole ended up.

Camera goes to space, where small ships are towing larger ones into orbit of Bajor or over to DS9.

Senseless (voiceover) - On the fleet side of things, the devastation was immense. The entire Klingon and Cardassian fleets were destroyed or disabled, and only a handful of Romulan and Federation ships survived intact. The only ships that managed to make it in the Ninth Fleet were the Enterprise, the Borg Buster, wherever they are, the Citadel, the Saratoga, Solaris, the Litterbox, barely, and one third of the Avenger. The Halfass, and Celestial were totally disabled and the USS Scratchingpost was destroyed with all hands except Admiral Nelix who used the only remaining shield power to beam himself to the Enterprise. I've granted shore leave to the entire crew on Deep Space Nine while the Celestial gets repaired.

Camera goes to Quark's Bar, where Garell, Baque, and Tener walk in. Quark sees them and tries to get them away from his Dabo wheel.

Quark - Might I interest you in a holosuite: The Second Battle of Bajor, it's becoming very popular.

Garell - We've had enough of the Second Battle of Bajor for one lifetime, thank you very much.

Quark - I'm still working on it and I'd be willing to pay you all substantial amounts of latinum if you were to help me work out some of the bugs. Your ship, after all, is somewhat of a hero...well, your captain is anyway.

Baque - Nope. We're here to play Dabo while our ship is in the shop. If you've got a problem with that, talk to him.

Tener - Yeah, talk to me.

Tener tries to act all macho and pats his phaser. Quark simply rolls his eyes and walks away. On his way back to the bar, he whispers into the ear of one of the Dabo girls who is about to work the table.

Quark - Rig the game, before I go bankrupt.

Tener - So, you guys read my report?

Baque - Yeah. I always knew Righteous was a tool.

Garell - And who's to say there aren't more people out there like him?

Baque - But I can guarantee Righteous isn't the sharpest tool in the Celestial Temple.

Tener - OK, no more tool jokes.

Baque - If the Dominion sends him back in a box, would that make it a toolbox?

Garell - We never did figure out why he got that headache right before we were thrown into the future.

Lieutenant-Commander Gunner of the USS Borg Buster materializes right next to them.

Gunner - No sense, no sense at all because this is Star Trek!

Bzzzzzt! She disappears again.

Tener - Exactly.

In Captain Sisko's office, Admiral Spot, Admiral Nelix, Commander Righteous, and Captain Ketrell are kicking around drinking some wine.

Nelix - Well, for all his stupidity, I'm sure going to miss your commanding officer, Jack.

Spot - Yes, he had his moments of brilliance...he will not be forgotten easily...but I'll try.

Ketrell - So do you think you're ready to take over as Captain of the USS Celestial, Senseless?

Senseless is about to say something when out the window the wormhole opens and spits out a small flaming object...straight at the station. However, no one notices.

Senseless - I guess so.

Nelix - Well, I'm sure Righteous would be proud of you...I know I'm proud of him...in fact if he were here right now I'd pin a medal on his chest for what he did...Seems like only yesterday I was inspecting your ship...my how time flies...I hope wherever he is, he's still the same old Righteous we all know and love...

SMASH! The small object, which is burnt beyond recognition, slams into the central core of the station and comes to a stop.

Spot - What the cat-nip was that?!?

Kira (comm) - Admiral Spot, we're receiving a transmission from the object that just hit us...they're asking for you!

Spot - Put it on screen.

Kira (comm) - They're requesting a beam in...they've given me all the necessary codes.

Spot - Then by all means.

Captain Righteous Lee materializes in Sisko's office, grinning from ear to ear.

Righteous - Hi guys! Did you miss me!?!

Nelix - I'LL KILL YOU RIGHTEOUS! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH PAPER WORK IT WILL BE TO FIX THE STATION!

Nelix lunges at Righteous and goes for his throat while everyone else just laughs.

Nelix - DAMN IT! I WAS _THIS_ CLOSE TO GETTING RID OF YOU! _**GOD DAMN IT!!!!**_

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."

* * *

_Just a heads up, I've started on season 3...however, I also made a little mini-series that takes place just after this episode and before the beginning of Season 3. Look for "Star Trek: The Solaris Chronicles."_


End file.
